T doesn't like my husband

I love and trust my T. I love and trust my husband. Unfortunately, T thinks that I've married a perpetrator who is preying on my childhood traumas, using his charm to control me and get what he wants from me (money, sex, love). I don't think I'm in an abusive relationship. I'd like him to get his own T and go into therapy, but if it didn't happen, I wouldn't leave him.

Just wondering if anyone else has a T who doesn't like a H, W or SO? How do you handle it? I find myself keeping sessions secret from H so he doesn't know what the T is telling me. That can't be good either. I'm so confused right now.

Why does T think these things about your husband? And there is no way your husband knows what you talk about with your T, but i' m sensing your husband may not like you going to a T at all. Am i right? You dont have to make any decisions now. You have two very influential people in your life giving you conflicting info. It sounds like one, your husband, has an agendan abd one your T, is an objective third party who is looking out for your best interest. Hugs to you if that's ok. Take care, and i wish you safety and happiness and clarity in your future.

If you think your T's view of your H is inaccurate, maybe you could have your H come to one of your sessions so T could get to know him better.

How about not keeping a secret about when you have a session with your T but just not telling him what goes on in the sessions? What happens between therapist and client is private.

Therapy is personal and private. I can't imagine why you would share your sessions with H or anyone.

You say "T thinks..." But what did T actually say?

One possible interpetation (and this is pure fantasy) is that you have subconscious thoughts against your husband, but your conscious mind refuses to acknowledge them. It is easier for you to think of these unwelcome ideas as coming from outside, ie from your T. That way you avoid the internal struggle.

But it is equally possible that your T really has formed an unfavourable opinion of your husband.

I think my T doesn't quite approve of the "lax" way we are raising our daughter, but as a friend told me, that's none of her business.

A previous T invited my wife to a session and it was a disaster. I thought they were ganging up on me!

Conversely, she invited my borther once and that was very healing.

I tell my wife most of what is going on. I just don't like having secrets from her.

That's how I feel. And I feel very torn if they disagree and I have to choose between them. But it does happen and I do have to choose.

I'm so sorry you've lost your smiley, bub. That's really sad.
I'm getting the impression that you wouldn't/couldn't leave your husband under pretty much any condition. Am I right? If so, then I have to wonder why you would stay with a T who thinks you're in an abusive relationship & why you think your husband needs to be in therapy.

likewater asks the obvious question: where did your T get his ideas that you're in an abusive relationship, especially all the details you mentioned?

I'm asking all this because I did have a T who told me my SO was abusive. I ignored him. I finally admitted he was right when SO was arrested.
Roadrunner

Yes, I see it this way too. I don't share the content of my therapy with my H as a rule, although I have once reported something my T said. He doesn't ask, as I think he has a good sense that I wouldn't share it even if he did ask.

I spent the first few months in T b*tching about my husband and sharing his least likeable characteristics and behavior. My T was definitely on my side of the conflict and made several statements that suggested he thought my H was selfish (he is, but he's also a good guy) and that perhaps he wasn't the partner that I really needed. I'm not sure I would say that T doesn't "like" my H, as he is always pretty careful to say that he doesn't know him. My T has also been surprised by my "tender" feelings towards him (H) in recent months.

Can you talk to your T about how you think he feels about your H? I have confronted mine a time or two when I thought he said something about my H that didn't fit for me-- and he acknowledged that he didn't mean to "label" him in that way.

But I am sort of disturbed that your T is "telling" you things about your H that you feel you need to keep secret. Not that I don't think you should keep it private (you should), but it just seems like an inappropriate or weird dynamic for your T to tell you anything like you are in an abusive relationship or he is "preying" upon you or the like. I just think that therapy is for you to understand yourself, not to diagnose your husband or his behavior.

It sounds like this is something your T does that bothers you, and I would be bothered too--- and I have been, when my T has said similar things. But your T seems to be really focusing or harping on this, and that would bug me beyond the occasional comment.

Anne

[quote=likewater;2121791]i' m sensing your husband may not like you going to a T at all. Am i right? quote]

Yes, you're absolutely right. He warned me that T was going to pull us apart and drive a wedge between us...now I feel guilty that he's right.

You know what? .. . I think/ believe that being in therapy means being able to say anything that we want to say! It means having whatever happens to us be about us! It means that whatever happens in our lives is INTERPRETED or talked about in a way that is related to us!

That said, if our therapist begins to side with anyone else or express a comment as to what someone else thought or meant than we are in BIG trouble. Therapy is about being able to talk freely about what is going on with us. It doesn't mean that our therapist AGREES with what we are saying. . .. but it does mean that he/she won't TELL us what is right! It means that he/she might question/present possibilities to our committed or firm belief, but he/she WILL NOT TELL US HOW WE ARE SUPPOSE TO THINK OR BELIEVE. I am truly sorry about the caps. but I do believe that they are important when we are talking about the power that our loving and caring therapist's have over us. We need to have the space and time to consider ALL options. And that means that no one, even our therapist's should be telling us what we should or should not be doing in regard to ourselves or the important/significant other's in our lives . .. .just my thought on the matter

Just a question i thought i'd put out there... Why on EARTH would your H think T would drive you apart in the 1st place? I might be WAY off base, but i smell a rat. (my apologies if i'm wrong,but on a side note, i didn't realise my x was abusive until it was pointed out,and even then i was in denial, i only woke up when he beat me to a pulp and threatened to kill me if i ever left)

Therapy can change people and if a loved one is happy with the relationship the way it is and you change, it can be threatening to them. That does not mean you should not change or grow or whatever, but it can mean the other person has to decide to change and grow too which may not fit into their plans.

I had a T that tried to point out that my man was bad for me. using me. abusing me. didnt appreciate me. that maybe i should move on. because he wasnt beating on me, I couldnt see it. i was offended by her and eventually made a point not to talk about him, eventually quit seeing her because she was so opinionated. years later, meds, therapy, a good job, higher self esteem, realizing I could take care of myself (after being told for 12 years I could never make it on my own) I left him. Turns out the same therapist was leasing space from the agency I worked for. She gloated "Didnt I tell you all those years ago, but you didnt listen to me."

Wow, it sounds terrible that she gloated.

My T has made no bones about the fact that she thinks H is abusing me, but understands that I don't want to leave him. I've been abused by real abusers and don't think this qualifies. I do want him to get therapy for his BPD and alcoholism. I have not thought about what I will do if he does not get help. I am too afraid to be alone because then the monster that lives inside me would get out, take over and make things worse for me until I was hospitalized again.

I am definitely torn between the two - T & H. I love them both and trust them both, but differently. As was said, it's hard when the two of them don't agree. As for why H thought T would drive a wedge between us, I don't know. He doesn't trust therapists in general, so it's not specific about this particular one. As for what I've told the T - I have told her that H scares me when he drinks. He becomes Dr. Jekyll to his normal Mr. Hyde and screams, rants, raves, throws things.... I hate the chaos that his drinking and BPD causes, but I love the person he is during the day - funny, witting, charming, doting, kind and loving.

I know I don't have to make any decisions right now, so I will continue to work on myself and pray that he begins to take a look at his issues soon. Thanks for the comments and support. This community means more to me than I can say. I'm very frightened and feel alone without you.

Screaming, ranting, raging, throwing things, continuing to drink when he knows he has these behaviors when drinking/drunk, is abuse and manipulation. Why do you think you deserve to be treated like that, I wonder. Your fear speaks loudly.

I would guess he wishes he could be another way, and maybe even wishes he could be open to therapy. I think he knows a good T would see his behavior with much more concern than his wife does.

Yes, I agree about that.

Haven't we all heard stories of friends who went to T and broke up with their husbands or came out as lesbian or otherwise made some huge life change?

You will also hear: "I paid for her therapy and she turned round and dumped me."

Even if it doesn't go that far, a woman in therapy often becomes much more assertive and H may not be ready for that.

To the uninitiated, therapy looks like telling tales and betraying secrets.

Finally, it's easy to be scared that your most intimiate relationship is threatened by one (therapy) that looks even more intimate.

I've talked about this with my T, and she says it is normal for spouses to be suspicious, jealous or even hostile.

You've all given me wise words, and last night was unfortunately very difficult in the bub household. He never laid a hand on me, but broke the furniture and several dishes because someone was rude to him on the phone and (may have) reneged on a deal. I and my 2 dogs spent several hours cowering in the bedroom. And the worst part, is I am the one who feels ashamed. As if I had somehow caused the problem or had anything to do with his reaction. But I know when he wakes up, he'll be my dear sweet husband again.

For all who have responded, I truly thank you. I am afraid and ashamed and lonely, and this forum means so much to me!

Sorry to hear that, bub. Is there any way you could get your H to address that he has issues and get help? You shouldn't have to be cowering in a corner, ever...

I wish I had something more useful to say.

(((Bubsmiley))) you have just described classic abuse scenario. He's abusive and terrorizes everyone in the house including dogs.you feel like it's your fault and the next day he is sweet.
I guessed about your H not wanting you to go to therapy because me ex didnt want me to.he always called me craxy and said i needed help, but he didnt want me to seek help. The other thing that concerns me is this: your H is breaking things right now, abusers escalate. I' m worried for you. He can easily transition to being violent toward you and dogs. Wishing you safety, and sending
You positive energy and loving thoughts.

I cannot believe how crazy it is that I want to say this: he only hits me when he's drunk.

I need to get my sh#t together fast so I can push him to do the same.
Thanks for the hugs. They're holding my fragile world together.

I am worried for you. Stay safe.

Awww hun, gentle hugs to you. I WILL N0T preach to you, coz as i've mentioned,i've been there. But i will say this... You deserve to be loved,accepted and protected. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel safe in your own home. Please know that you are WORTHY! XOXO