Relationship with T changing and it's scary!

I had my session yesterday. I hadn't thought about therapy or my T all week because of the interaction with my cousin and, related to that, working obsessively on genealogy. Last week's session was the same, and I felt sad because my RL meant more to me than my T.

So, we talked about what that meant for me. She said maybe I'm not used to feeling okay, that it's normal to feel strange when you feel different than you've felt for years. I told her how I don't want her to be less important, that it means she's nothing to me, though that's illogical. This new relationship with my cousin is more meaningful and makes me realize that my T and I don't really have much of a relationship at all, not a real one. But T said we DO have a real relationship and there is room for both in my life.

It should make me happy, but I don't trust my feelings at all! This new friendship with my cousin came out of nowhere, as unexpected as a snowflake in July!! It's reciprocal and amazing! It comes from a shared history, something I of course I don't have with my T. From that came some new genealogy challenges which I am working hard at solving.

I told my T I don't know if this is part of my pattern or not. She doesn't think so. My H and I think I obsess about genealogy, but you have to do so in order to get anywhere. My T didn't think it was obsessive; she says I'm good at it!

We didn't do IFS or EMDR. We talked about life and what it means. Skysblue, I am thinking of your thread about this topic. I told my T that if I die tomorrow I will feel fulfilled because of a group I started recently, and because of the connection with my cousin. It's the connections with others that make life meaningful. Whatever it means to you to feel you've fulfilled your purpose is what it's all about. Being mindful of the beauty around you is part of that. We talked about that too. Each day we can do some good for someone else and we can also enjoy the beauty around us.

My T asked if I ever thought about what it would be like not to be in therapy. I said I want to be in therapy until I die, but if I did quit seeing her, could I still email? She said yes, and she would email be back then. But, she said I wasn't ready to leave yet. I know I'm not!

At the end of the session, I came up with the idea that the child parts are sad because they miss my T even if part of me is busy with RL. She repeated that it's because the parts still don't know that I'm there for them all the time.

So, I feel sad and happy at the same time. We were more like two friends talking today. I am trying to get a handle on the fact that I can have a close real relationship with my T that IS REAL but is different, and that just because I feel more connected with someone in my RL it doesn't mean she's diminished. That sounds simple, but it isn't for me. I don't want to give up my pattern but I see a glimpse of what that would be, and it's scary! Interesting but scary not to depend on my T for those needs getting met.

I'm sorry this is so long. I'm trying to figure it out, as usual. I haven't even emailed my T yet. Oh, and I told her if I "crash" and feel bad again, I'll just email her a lot as usual. I don't trust feeling like I do.

Therapy is crazy hey? I think part of the point of T is to get the most out of RL. So, if you are heading in that direction, your T is doing her job. In the mean time, she will be there when things go wrong, which you know they will sooner or later.

T relationships change over time (just ask me) and I guess the end goal is to not need them anymore.

Try not to over think it (just ask me)

Hugs, amy

It's valuable to have good friends in real life. It's very scary to think T is your only friend.

There are only two people in the world I totally trust. If they were both to die in the same month, I'd be seriously screwed. That's not a good place to be. I wish I had more close friends. I wish I could rely on my therapy group.

Ok, I'm asking you.

Well, I have worked hard to have a relationship with my therapist. She thought we had a great relationship and the next thing I know, she's gone. Responding only with generic, hurtful notes. That's a change for sure.

You may not see it, but to me--looking at your post--I'd say you've made a baby step or two toward your goal. Stay with the genealogy and stay in therapy ... comforting & reassuring the child parts. Don't waste time worrying about what happens after that! That's too far ahead for knowing.
*(((rainbow8)))*

I can so relate. I am doing better than I ever have before. My T is not all encompassing in my life any more. My illnesses are not all encompassing, I don't go to the hospital 2-3 times per year. I am healthy and happy, and I celebrate that. I have better RL relationships than I have ever had. But....I miss T, I miss the level of support I have. I don't want to be sick again, but I don't yet know how to feel comfortable in my new skin yet. I guess it takes time.

Rainbow, you have multiple kids right? (if not just try to imagine).

I would look at what you are saying this way. When you have one child, you love that child a whole lot. Then when you have a second child you love that child a whole lot. But that doesn't take away love from your first child. You love them both. Having a second child doesn't take away the special relationship you have with your first child. So I see your new relationship with your cousin as being the same as a second child. You can have your relationship with your T and the relationship with your cousin without taking away from either. And it would not be surprising if your relationship with each of them is different. Just like children have their own personalities and parents have slightly different relationships with their children (given how they each interact differently) but that doesn't diminish either of the relationships.

One relationship doesn't diminish another. They are both important. You can have both without loosing either. The more relationships the more support you have in your life. This is a big step forward for you.

Oh. I'm sorry. I guess I was hoping for an inspirational tale of courage and love.

i think it is so great that you are being able to connect with your cousin.and i completely agree that there is room for both relationshipe.infact there is room for bunches and you deserve all kinds of love.i bet it is new to feel all this stuff.i know your T will be able to help and will be there with you and she isn't pushing you out of the nest.

((((Rainbow))))

Perhaps you are afraid of your old pattern because you knew how it led to pain? So you are protective and watchful of yourself. That is fine to do that. But also be mindful that your T knows you. Your T would help you identify trouble if it was unhealthy. Trust yourself enough to know that your T will not let you fall into a trap of something you are trying to escape.

Family is by nature one of the strongest bonds of all! Knowing our roots and doing the research is VERY honorable! Connecting the way you are with your Cuz is REAL! It is HEALTHY! And it is family :-)

What you are experiencing is what human life should be about! Sadly, too many people are too wounded to ever open their hearts and trust others enough to establish relationships like what you are starting to build. This is a gift you have been given. You deserve this!!! You have worked your tail off to be healthy enough to have something this preceous in your life.

Stay mindful of your emotions. Stay honest with everything. And go out there and grasp with both hands this wonderful healthy LIVING experience!!! You deserve this!

I wrote a reply but my computer is acting up so I lost it. I'll write later, but wanted to thank everyone.

It's painful when we feel stuck and its painful when we make progress. And progress isn't always in the direction we want or expect.

Still, this clearly is progress and you're one step further on your journey.

Can'tExplain: Thank you. Yes, it does finally seem like progress and I'm overwhelmed and distrustful but trying to enjoy it at the same time!

WePow: Thank you for your warm and positive words!! I'm afraid because when something good happens to me it usually doesn't last. Or, a close relationship, even in RL, is unhealthy for me. I tend to attach to people obsessively or in a very limited way and I need to find the middle ground. So, far, so good with my cousin. It's not like we're talking to each other every day. That would be too much. I've also got to work on my relationship with my H more. I feel guilty that I'm not giving him the attention he deserves.

granite: thank you. No, my T would never push me "out of the nest" if I weren't ready and she even told me I'm not ready. That was a relief to hear. We all deserve all kinds of love!
out of denial: thank you! I'm sorry that you're having problems with your T relationship right now. I hope it gets resolved.

roadrunner: Yeah, it looks a little bit like progress, doesn't it! I'll try to just enjoy it and not worry about what happens next.

lauru: We're in that in between place right now. Kind of feels like being a teenager, wanting to be independent but still needing the security of home!

googley: Yes, I have a couple of children and a number of grandchildren and I love them all. I know usually we use that analogy about our Ts caring about us even though they have many clients. Now I'm reversing it. Weird! I still want and need my T and she's still so special to me. I think I'm getting more balanced about it now.

Well done for spotting this! I had the same problem. Have the same problem.

Rainbow, I relate a lot to what you are describing. I did some big work with my T in the last year, and over the past few months, dealing with my memories and seeing the abuser again have been--easier. Not easy, but not the worst pain in the world anymore, either. After years of work with T, this is a huge step towards a healthy, maybe-not-needing-T life.

It's scary to think of my life without T every week! But I can tentatively *think* of a life without T now...I trust that when it's time, I will *want* a life with less T in it, and then in MORE time I will be ready to leave the nest completely.

When I first started T, I couldn't imagine being reliant on him. And then I was. And now, I am beginning to imagine being reliant on myself in stead of him, and in time I will be able to do that, too.

Thank you for sharing your journey with us!

Rainbow, I think your session sounds awesome. And all your insights too. Change can be scary but it sounds like you're sticking with it and letting the relationship grow and develop instead of running from it right back into your comforting pattern.

I think it's really big that you had this discussion with her about envisioning a future without therapy. I have never discussed a possible ending with my T and would not be so calm and able to participate in that discussion or vision as well as you.

I think you're doing awesome work!

I really liked your story of reconnecting with your cousin. Yay!