labeling myself CRAZY

All,

I'm just sayin:

Went to therapy yesterday. I was working with my current central issue...living with/dealing with my intuitive awareness. I call this issue "knowing-without-knowing-how-I-know". Some people might refer to these experiences "psychic" though that word has never been a great way to describe this set of perceptions for me. Anyway, coming to grips with having an extreme form of intuition is a central and huge problem that has brought me into this round of therapy.

I'm thrilled that I'm able to tackle this issue after long last.... and deal with a set of perceptions that are sometimes considered "crazy" by the dominant culture (sigh).

The problem is this: In therapy, I refer to myself as crazy when this issue surfaces. .I make a show of talking about these experiences and saying, ..Well, that's kinda crazy. Isn't it? Huh?

I do this in part because I grew up being labeled "crazy".

But in therapy? It's as if I like to PUT IT OUT THERE so I can be the one who said it...first. Kind of a pre-emptive strike of labeling myself, getting there first, I guess. As if hearing myself say "I'm crazy" hurts just a bit less than hearing it from another person.....

It's kind of fishing for confirmation that I'm not crazy and hoping that will help. But it doesn't help. Quite the contrary in fact. It's really self-lacerating.

Do you call yourself crazy? If so...why? Do you think it's amusing, disarming...shocking....self-defending?

I'm going to make every effort to NOT do this, particularly in therapy sessions, and then, if I feel ready, moving from there, taking this to the rest of my life.

I have a feeling I'm going to be working with this one for a while.

In my previous therapy, I called myself crazy quite a few times. My T finally asked what I was looking for in doing so. She seemed to think I WANTED her to think I was crazy. I tried to explain that I grew up being called crazy, and being told I would get locked up in a "crazy bin" if I told people what I "thought" was happening in my family. So, I really was looking for reassurance at some point that I wasn't crazy.

I've pretty much stopped calling myself crazy, but still call myself "needy." And it's the same deal. I was forever labeled as "needy" for wanting any kind of affection or acceptance from my family. I really do think of myself as needy. My T keeps trying to move me away from that word, and we talk about it quite a bit

Definitely talk to your T about it. Get the reassurance you need and the support to start affirming yourself instead of cutting yourself down.

hi..................i call myself crazy often in the real world and hardly ever in therapy. i really don't know why i do this. i'm pretty sure i don't say it in t's offices much because i figure they already know i'm crazy or at least a little bit whacked. in the real world i say it so nobody can say it first, i think. it's kind of like saying this is a really dumb question i'm going to ask so that nobody can hurt my feelings and say why would you ask such a thing?

If I did not think I was crazy, I would not be going to a therapist. The fact the ts say I am not is really not a factor in changing the description - what do they know? I use the term (and others) because I do not (nor have the ts given) any appropriate label and I do not being without some sort of definition.

Really? SD...I haven't heard from you for a while...hope you are well.

Gosh, we really are so different, us humans, aren't we?

I want to get out from under this label AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
And I need to stop putting myself there! and need help to do so...

I do it to with my T, and for me it's preemptive also, though in a slightly different way.

For me, I'm super-ashamed of feeling like I want things from my T or have needs I wish she'd fulfill, particularly because those desires generally stem from unmet childhood needs. So, whenever we get around to talking about those sorts of things, even in a tangential sort of way, I start talking about how crazy I feel.

And it does feel a little crazy, because while I mostly feel like a 4 year old in T, in reality I'm an adult. So the needs feel really shameful and embarassing and wrong.

So, telling T that I feel crazy has become my shorthand for "OK, I'm going to tell you about this thing I want from you, but I want you to know that I know that it's not in any way based in current-day reality. And although I really want it, I also know that it's not your job to give it to me." I reject the need right up front (by calling it "crazy") so I don't have to feel the pain of her not meeting it. A little crazy in itself, yes, but in a self-preservation sort of way.

And of course, the genuinely crazy part is that I label those needs "crazy" because I really worry about what T thinks of me, and I want her to like me and find me competent, etc. I want her to know that I "get it," or whatever. Because then some tiny sliver of me thinks "maybe she'll love me if I tell her that I know I can't expect her to love me." Because, to go back around the circle, the way to be lovable--or tolerable, anyway--in my family was to be totally self-sufficient and not have any needs to begin with.

Holy crud! Did that help any?

I call myself crazy. In therapy and outside of it. It's not something my T has (at least vocally) agreed with, as of yet...

But you're right, mcl, we need to knock it right off. It's so negative.

One time I was telling T that my job paid well but it was driving me CRAZY. He responded that it's hard to put a price on crazy. I was wildly amused to hear him use the word crazy.

The first time I ever saw my psychiatrist for evaluation, as I was walking out the door, I mentioned something to her about me being crazy. She looked at me with the sweetest face, wide eyes and in all seriousness said in a very gentle quite voice, "You're not crazy. If you were crazy you'd be psychotic, and you're NOT psychotic."

When I hear her saying that to me in my head all I can do is

I have many harsh labels for myself, but I have learned not to use them in front of T, not even "humorously" - she will never let one pass, and gets very stern.

I told T a few weeks ago that I don't want to accept my past, because I'm scared that if people know that my past is what it is, they'll think I'm crazy, and that *I'm* scared that I'm crazy.

My T literally, literally teared up. He put his hand over his heart. He said "I want to say this as gently as I can. You. are. not. crazy."

I play that moment over and over again in my head. It took me four years to say "I think I'm crazy", because it was so scary. And T so gently took it away.

You don't sound crazy to me, ((((((mcl))))))

Why doesn't it help? Why does it make you feel worse?

I don't call myself crazy as I have a limited definition of that term (crazy=some form of psychosis) and I don't have that. I guess the word I use for myself sometimes is "dysfunctional." Calling myself this might occur at low times when I lack confidence. I was reluctant to tell my T that I was changing careers to the mental health field because I worried he would say that my own mental health was too messed up to enter that field. I didn't tell him for ages. When I finally told him, I think he was a little hurt I hadn't told him sooner. But I explained why I had not told him and he immediately responded that he thought I would be an outstanding clinician. That validation from him really helped (he didn't think I was hopelessly messed up after all!). So I'm curious, mcl6136, why your T's validation that you are not crazy isn't what you want to hear? What do you want?

I think that's good you don't want to keep giving yourself this label. It sounds like you are worried that your belief that you have extraordinary intuitive abilities will be viewed by some as crazy. Like maybe your T will think you are saying you have ESP and he doesn't believe in that. I look on that as something akin to a person saying they have certain religious beliefs. I don't have to share their religious beliefs in order to talk to them about their beliefs. What has been your T's response when you have talked about your psychic/intuitive awareness?

I don't use the word crazy in the context of describing myself or anyone else with mental health issues. I find it pretty offensive in that context, kind of like I detest the term "retard". It's just not right.

I don't very often refer to myself in terms of my mental illness. When I speak of my diagnosis, I say "I have bipolar disorder" rather than "I am bipolar." It is a subtle distinction, but an important one. I would never say "I am cancer" or "I am hemmorhoids," so why say "I = my disorder?"

I didn't say I LIKED my attitude....quite the contrary! ....No offense meant to anyone.

Really...did anyone honestly think I was trying to stigmatize people with mental illness with this thread????

I call myself crazy. I've been mulling it over this afternoon to figure out why. To me, I'm using humor to make it less scary. If I can laugh at it then my panic disorder isn't this big scary insurmountable impossible to deal with thing. It's just my craziness, which at times is truly funny, especially when I start listing my phobias.

So I don't find this thread offensive, but I'm probably one of the offenders.

Absolutely not.
I really don't think of crazy as a serious word. If I was going to use serious words for mental illness it would be psychotic, incompetent, incapacitated, or an actual diagnosis.

As someone who has experienced episodes of psychosis during mania, I feel really hurt. I hope I'm not crazy. I work full time, have a great SO relationship, and enjoy my hobbies. I live a rather boring life nowadays, thank goodness. I would hate to think that everyone with schizophrenia or mania is "crazy" That's such an awful word to be labelled, ESPECIALLY from a psychiatrist.

All,

I want to clarify that I was not trying to demean anyone who has mental illness here. I was pointing out that one of the ways that I have struggled, in therapy as well as r/l is dealing with a label....

That is all.

Whether that label is/is not warranted, it doesn't feel good and I want to stop.

That was my point.

I think there is a difference between calling oneself crazy or any label and having someone else call you names. Certainly I do not think MC16316 meant anything negative to anyone. It also may be that I know I am not really that I am not offended by the term.

No, not at all. That's not how I took it. I know where you're coming from

She was not saying it in a mean or derogatory way. I think she was just trying to speak to me on my own terms.

I'm apologize, to you, Lauru, and anyone else I may have offended by writing this down. That was not my intention- nor was it my psychiatrists intention. I'm sorry I was so insensitive.

me too. I pretty much try not to ever use the word crazy since I found out it can be offensive, although I still forget once in a while. I try to say amazing, wild, incredible, unbelievable... some other word that explains more what I really mean, instead of "that's crazy" or something.

No, I didn't think so, I thought you were trying to get over your own internalized stigma, which is great! I'm not sure if people usually say "mental illness" to mean all the issues everyone on PC deals with, but that's what I mean by it. So I mean I hope I'm not putting you down now by including you in "people with mental illness." One of the things I like on PC is it doesn't seem like there's a line between people with various diagnosis and issues, from DID to trauma survivor to depression--everyone supports each other.

That's what I thought when I read what her therapist said too. I'm glad her therapist made her feel better. But it is too bad a psychiatrist needs to indirectly put down people with psychosis.

I wasn't making a comment about you. Sorry if you thought I was. I was just stating my feelings about the word personally.

I like this attitude. What "they say" about the fine line between madness and genius. I think it's like reclaiming the "N" word - okay within the community, but not by outsiders. It was Maynard G. Krebs' favorite word!