Thanks everyone...feeling better about session today

Thanks for all the feedback on my last thread! Sometimes I need people to call me out on my BS...it's one of the reasons I'm here! So you all helped me to figure out what is actually going on in my head related to T and my confusion about my relationship with her and what I see as her occasionally flexible boundaries.

Your help and two other things I came across this evening has made me feel so much better. One thing I don't apologize for on this forum is the fact that I am a Christian, but I don't proselytize and I respect the beliefs of others. What helped me are both from a Christian perspective; one logical, one more related to faith.

The first was a couple of articles related to boundaries (therapeutic and otherwise). To paraphrase: Boundaries are sometimes perceived as selfish, but they actually about responsible freedom; from controlling relationships, from guilt-driven faith, from actions motivated by fear and anger instead of love, and from the inability to gain control over our behaviors/addictions. These represent many of the issues we are all in therapy to heal. I realize good boundaries are key to a therapeutic relationship. Within those boundaries, T and I are each free to love each other in our own way without imposing expectations on the other besides the obvious inherent therapy goals. We may each want things of the other (I want her to be my mom, she wants me to heal), but neither should push the other. However, each of us has pushed each other lately, but I no longer feel it is something that cannot be overcome once discussed.

The second was my devotional reading for today. I usually read in the morning, but I decided to get ahead of the game since I'm up late. This is something you may or may not agree with depending on your beliefs, but it is rather astonishing to me that this was the entry for today considering where I'm at emotionally right now: "My plan for your life is unfolding before you. Sometimes the road you are travelling seems blocked, or it opens up so painfully slowly that you must hold yourself back. Then when the time is right, the way before you suddenly clears through no effort of your own. What you have longed for and worked for I present to you freely, as pure gift. You feel awed by the ease with which I operate in the world, and you glimpse my power and glory. Do not fear your weakness, for it is the stage on which my power and glory perform most brilliantly. As you persevere along the path I have prepared for you, depending on my strength to sustain you, expect to see miracles and you will." - from "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young.

It mentions roads...which parallels part of the poem I gave T last week. Here's an excerpt:

At those times when light turns into darkness
And I get lost and veer off the pathway of life,
Someone always comes along serendipitously
To set me back on the road and light the way.

They may walk alongside me for just a season,
Or they might be with me for the rest of my life.
But each will always hold a piece of my heart;
An angel using a human body as a disguise.

Now you walk ahead of me on that scary path
Turning back to me and holding out your hand.
You want me to take it and believe you and Him,
Waiting so patiently for me to trust and follow.

It all seems rather serendipitous to me...and that is unusual for the normally logical girl I am! I am going to be all right.

I truly appreciate any and all feedback, positive and negative! It's nice to be here in a safe place with so many caring people.

I'm going to continue with my original plan to explore the questions in my "changed my mind" thread and if there is enough time, discuss some past stuff I need to process. I'll post about my session this evening.

Chopin, thanks for sharing your poem. I, too, feel surrounded by angels. Especially lately. Both celestial angels and , humans with angelic qualities serving God.

It's better than Disneyland here!

Very thoughtful, beautiful, original, interesting post, thanks.

Here's the poem in its entirety likewater:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...highlight=poem

Thank you!! I know how you feel.

It's great! Thanks for being straight with me, hankster, it's much appreciated!

We're all glad you are here too.

Your poem is just beautiful.

Merry Christmas.

I was afraid I was interfering with your therapy. I talked to my T about it - like about the resistance thread? - and he was like, well, if people put stuff OUT there, they want input. And he says it really does sound like group therapy, the way we do it, so... A lot of people have been doing crazy work all across these boards recently, it's like a fireworks display, it's awesome. We should be mad proud of ourselves. Hold on, here come some more!

There are several purposes to this forum; it's a place to laugh and cry, b***h and moan, tell poignant stories about what we're going through in therapy, share in other's successes, and help each other out.

You are not interfering with my therapy. In fact, I have a penchant for being rebellious. I'm usually going to do my own thing anyway, for better or worse. However, all of you helped me see through my facade to get to the root of the problem. So I'm still going to do it, but actually be more open with T than I would have been on my own. That's progress!

People are healing here. That is an amazing thing to see!

Okay...so here's my updated, clean version of what i plan to read in session today:

Do you know how hard it was for me to open up to you last week? Do you really know? The rejoicing over doing it is over; now the trepidation is setting in. I gave you part of my heart; not in the way of a lover, friend, or mother, I cannot define it. However, I do see you as a mother figure. I made myself vulnerable before you with my heart laid base like it hasn't been in years by telling you what you really mean to me. I compare it to standing naked in a cold rain; I'm cold, afraid, embarrassed, exposed, unprotected, and alone. I am eventually going to tell you things I've never told anyone. My heart is open and raw. Others are sensing it or have seen glimpses of it. It has been positive overall, but I'm know I'm standing at the beginning. I'm trying so hard, I'm trying to trust you and God but it is so difficult for me sometimes. I know God wants me to do this, He wants me to heal, He wants me to open up to you, yet I struggle with it. I want to run away, shut down, and rebuild my walls; but I don't want to let Him or me down. I gave you my heart...please don't break it. You're never far from my thoughts and you're always in my prayers. I love you so much, T. Sometimes when I hug you, I don't want to let go. I wish you could just hold me like a mother would her child and comfort me. My mom couldn't and can't do that for me. I always let you go because I don't want you to think I'm some kind of freak or sexually attracted to you. During the session when you sat with me on the couch, I wanted to just lean over and put my head on your shoulder or grab your hand and hold it, but I was afraid you'd reject me. Do I ever affect you like *client* affected me? Do you ever think of me outside of these four walls? Do you see me as a person, not just a client? Have I managed to get into your heart? Please drop the therapeutic shield and tell me the truth; then you can put it back up.

You're so courageous. I'm in awe.

I don't feel very courageous. I'm sitting at my computer at work with my leg shaking incessantly.

Well, you know courage is not about NOT having fear. It's about facing fear. I know a bit how you feel. When I've decided to be totally honest with T it has been one of the most frightening things I've experienced.

Without fear there is no courage.