Someone please remind me that my T isn't in love with me.

Thank you. I just need to hear it and keep hearing it (or, reading it). From other people, esp people who understand. It helps.

I was talking to friend y'day. She knows I'm in therapy but has never gone through it herself and I *almost* told her about this because that's how crazy it was making me. But I reconsidered and didn't do it. Not worth the I would have gotten. Ya know?

I went to therapy yesterday and my transference came up (I brought it up ....I just couldn't take it anymore). The word "transference" didn't ever enter the conversation but we talked about the therapy "relationship" and how I struggle with the unbalanced nature of the whole dang thing and how I can't take the word "relationship" seriously when it's all one sided. We talked about how I have no one IRL whom I can trust, and so it's kind of obvious why and how I'd like to take the good feelings of therapy with me in the real world. It's not an erotic kind of transference, just your average, garden variety type where I would like my T in my life (I think.....read on).

I asked him what HE thought of our relationship and if we "click" or "mesh well".....not in an inappropriate way; he's always been the consummate professional with me, never anything funky. And he kind of dodged the question....you know, standard operating procedure . I called him out on that, and he told me he'd answer the question after *I* told him why it was important to me to begin with. It's important to me because I feel like sometimes I don't have a good judge of character with people. And by the time I realize that the person I thought I knew isn't that person, it feels too late for me; I've revealed too much of myself, I'm in too deep, I'm too attached to that person, etc. And then it makes it harder for me to trust the next time, see? So, my guard is still up....I guess I wanted his take on our professional relationship to get a better feel of safety, since he doesn't self disclose. Then he went on to tell me all the great things he sees in me: intelligent, articulate, self aware, funny.......but never answered my question which is irritating more than anything. I keep asking myself why he didn't/wouldn't answer my original question. ????

And now? I'm thinking of this all too much and it's driving me nuts. In my head, on a cognitive level, I KNOW he doesn't desire to see me in a personal way outside of the office, or love me romantically, or anything like that BUT!!! my feelings are so off the wall, complete opposite of that right now. I keep thinking of the nice things he said about me, how good it felt to have someone say something nice to me and positive for once. And I'm over thinking it. BIG TIME. I keep going back and forth betwteen the rational (he was just being nice; therapeutic; professional) and the irrational (I never hear this in my life OMG it FEELS.SO.GOOD!!!; maybe I can trust him; maybe....I don't know....maybe there's more).

This is absurd. I need someone to bring me back down. Someone. Anyone. Everyone?! LOL. This SUCKS so hard. I read somewhere that therapy is like having your heart professionally broken and to realize that going in is one thing.....but to feel it is so completely something else. Especially when it comes out of nowhere. It hurts. And the thing is, is that I KNOW this is irrational. So that makes it confusing too UGH.

I was reading this thread and thinking what are these feelongs about? I think if I can make this person love me, need me, then I can breathe and feel finally safe. she wants to go from "hi" to " I love you" in 5 seconds. Does that make sense? Anything less then that doesn't register.

I told one friend about how I feel about my T (and she hasn't been through therapy), and her response was, "yeah, that makes TOTAL sense." It was a huge relief.

I haven't KEPT talking to her about it, however, because she started to worry about the boundaries in the relationship. Because she has never been through therapy, I think she started worrying about my T reciprocating my feelings and that somehow the whole thing would lead to an affair. But, I KNOW that my T ISN'T in love with me (and your T isn't in love with you, BTW), and the relationship is safe.

I was reading this thread and thinking what are these feelongs about? Is it something we just need to mourne? For myself its like an anxiety inside of me that is so afraid of abandoment that I think if I can make this person love me, need me, then I can breathe and feel finally safe. Its like I don't have any adult knowledge of what a normal adult relationship should be like, the chikd in me seems to have the upper hand on this one* she wants to be loved soooo bad that she wants to go from "hi" to " I love you" in 5 seconds. Does that make sense? Anything less then that doesn't register.

I went to therapy yesterday and my transference came up (I brought it up ....I just couldn't take it anymore). The word "transference" didn't ever enter the conversation but we talked about the therapy "relationship" and how I struggle with the unbalanced nature of the whole dang thing and how I can't take the word "relationship" seriously when it's all one sided. We talked about how I have no one IRL whom I can trust, and so it's kind of obvious why and how I'd like to take the good feelings of therapy with me in the real world. It's not an erotic kind of transference, just your average, garden variety type where I would like my T in my life (I think.....read on).

....

And it bothers me too that, in the grand scheme of things, I've really only known him a cumulative total of less than 2 days (1 hr a week since June). I know the local bartender better than this for cryin' out loud!

Don't forget: this is all quality time. How much quality time do you spend with anyone else? I bet your bartender is always rushing off to serve other people. And is he really listening?

As you persist with therapy, you will know your T better.

Finally, it's not about knowing T, it's about knowing yourself. How much quality time do you spend with you?

I keep seeing the phrase "one-sided" and it keeps striking me as wrong - our r/s isn't one-sided, T has his side and I have mine. The better I "play" my part, the more T can fulfill his role. When I hear one-sided, i'm never sure which side is meant. Are we trying to push T to act as we do, share details of our lives, complain and want the other person to fix it? Or do we want to be able to act as T does, to be the all-knowing, to be looked up to, to be the one who comforts, who has the power in the relationship? Both views are wrong, neither is what we strive for. The strength of the love coming from
each side can be equal.

I keep seeing the phrase "one-sided" and it keeps striking me as wrong - our r/s isn't one-sided, T has his side and I have mine. The better I "play" my part, the more T can fulfill his role. When I hear one-sided, i'm never sure which side is meant. Are we trying to push T to act as we do, share details of our lives, complain and want the other person to fix it? Or do we want to be able to act as T does, to be the all-knowing, to be looked up to, to be the one who comforts, who has the power in the relationship? Both views are wrong, neither is what we strive for. The strength of the love coming from
each side can be equal.