[skysblue]

Sure, I do know that me going to therapy is a luxury. I am not disabled by any mental health issues. I am competent in society. I run no risk of hurting myself. I live a 'normal' life.

So, when T and I were discussing the one year anniversary of my seeing her, she asked me how that felt. I said that I couldn't believe that already one year had passed. And although I have made significant progress on one issue, I feel stupid that I'm still seeing her because I really don't have anything that could be considered a serious problem,

And she replied, "Yes, it is a luxury."

Now, I'm feeling guilty about living this 'luxurious' life. It ties into my concern about being narcissistic and self-absorbed. It makes me feel like quitting. I spend a lot of money on this - all self-pay - and I've struggled with this issue for the whole year. But now that T has pinpointed that it IS a luxury, I feel terrible.

[ECHOES]

Maybe she meant it the way I think of it myself. I also self pay and sacrifice a lot make therapy happen. I've been in therapy 4 years and also have made progress. But there is more to learn. I could walk away and survive, but I want more.

So it is a luxury. It is a luxurious gift that I give myself.
It is, as Yalom calls it, The Gift of Therapy. I feel lucky to have the opportunity to give myself this gift.

Can you see luxury as something you deserve? Because, of course you do deserve it.

[stopdog]

If you are benefitting from it, then why not? Luxury is not a bad thing to allow yourself.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

If you are benefitting from it, then why not? Luxery is not a bad thing to allow yourself.

I guess it all goes to my discomfort of giving things to myself. I feel selfish when I do. And guilty. Yeah, this goes to another issue T and I have been working on. I even struggled beginning therapy and we had to spend a lot of sessions convincing myself that it was o.k. to see a T.

[suzzie]

i think she meant it as a good thing too.

[unaluna]

SKY! You're like our childhood toy, the paddleball thing, where a little rubber ball was attached by a long thin elastic to a wooden paddle? You have a "hit" of a session, then you go flying off wild again. Aren't you getting seasick?! One time at Weight Watchers, I announced that I was budgeting $200 for the meetings. The leader thought I was NOT showing commitment; to my mind I WAS, because at least I was for sure going to show up for the next 20 weeks or whatever it was, which was a lot better than my usual record.

So does this bouncing doubt serve you, or should you make yourself a financial "deal" and forget it for a while? Luxury is relative; running water is a luxury. HOT running water 24 hours/day? The question I think is, does T help you make the best use possible of your gifts, and therefore enable you to make your best contribution to the world. That you were shortchanged at the beginning and those gifts affected, is true?

I wonder if she was reflecting what you were saying back to you? Not stating her feelings, but more like "yes, I hear you saying it's a luxury"?

And...what if it IS a luxury? For me, having a treadmill is a luxury. I could survive without one. But running is important to me. It keeps me healthy and strong. Having a treadmill allows me to stay healthy and strong when it's raining or dark or too cold to leave the house. I don't feel guilty about it, or like it's bad, or excessive.

I don't know why we don't think about our mental health the same way, but it seems like so many of us don't. Could I survive without therapy? Yes, I did it for many, many years. But WITH therapy, my life is better, my relationships are better, and I'm getting gifts that I never thought I would get. I think of it as a luxury in the same way I think of my treadmill as a luxury...I don't *have* to have it, but it makes me healthier and makes my life better.

I think we deserve that.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by skysblue

I guess it all goes to my discomfort of giving things to myself. I feel selfish when I do. And guilty. Yeah, this goes to another issue T and I have been working on. I even struggled beginning therapy and we had to spend a lot of sessions convincing myself that it was o.k. to see a T.

I understand about the struggle over whether it is okay to see one - for me in the sense I am not that bad off and so the t is overkill. Or I am indulging in middle class whining. Also for me though, it feels not like luxury but penance or simple torture.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Sure, I do know that me going to therapy is a luxury. I am not disabled by any mental health issues. I am competent in society. I run no risk of hurting myself. I live a 'normal' life.

So, when T and I were discussing the one year anniversary of my seeing her, she asked me how that felt. I said that I couldn't believe that already one year had passed. And although I have made significant progress on one issue, I feel stupid that I'm still seeing her because I really don't have anything that could be considered a serious problem,

And she replied, "Yes, it is a luxury."

Now, I'm feeling guilty about living this 'luxurious' life. It ties into my concern about being narcissistic and self-absorbed. It makes me feel like quitting. I spend a lot of money on this - all self-pay - and I've struggled with this issue for the whole year. But now that T has pinpointed that it IS a luxury, I feel terrible.

I struggle with this so much. T is constantly tells me it's OK to be selfish, and he talks about how important it is for me to spend time on myself EVERY day: reading, crocheting, lying down with the radio or TV, etc. One of my biggest fears is turning out narcissistic like my parents (esp my mother). T told me though, that if being a narcissist is here . <------, then I'm waaaay over here ------------------------------->. right on the other end....to the point of never thinking of myself and a being doormat. He basically told me that even if I thought of myself to where *I* thought it was too much, and was over the top selfish, in all actuality I probably wouldn't have even moved an inch to the left.

I understand that the word "selfish" has gotten a bad rap; and the word "luxury" too. Like we're not good enough or worthy enough. It's so hard to overcome this.

[lastyearisblank]

It's really difficult to have things sometimes especially when other people don't have them. That is a valid feeling. It is ok to feel that way. But it is also ok to be in therapy without being a crazed killer or a danger to oneself. At some level we're all just pushing along trying to figure out how to be ourselves. That's how I see it at least. It's kind of a financial luxury to pay for therapy but it's not really an emotional one so there's a distinction there for me too, .

[skycastle]

One time, I told my T that I didn't know why I was going to therapy since I'm clearly fine. And she was like, "Yes, most people don't go to therapy when they're fine." And then there was this long silence. Because, duh, I was in therapy because I wasn't fine, and instead of fighting with me about it, she was letting me choose to be in therapy and opening the floor for me to admit that I might not feel as "fine" as I let on.

Anyway, I don't know how that story is relevant, it just popped out so strongly in my mind while reading your post. I guess I felt like I didn't deserve therapy, either. My therapist definitely evaded an unproductive discussion that day just by agreeing with me...

Anyway, it is so unfortunate in our society that therapy is considered a luxury, but that's how it is, I think. I guess, in many ways, I too feel that my therapy is a luxury that I invest in. And I feel lucky for that and also I think it really indicates where my priorities are. I respect myself and you and the folks here for choosing to invest in therapy--and it IS a big investment!--because (tough as it can be to admit sometimes) we are definitely choosing to go and we are sacrificing things in order to do so. But, hey, we are investing in living fuller lives and having healthier relationships with others and with ourselves and all sort of other things that are good for us and for our communities.

[learning1]

When I'm feeling like therapy is a luxury I don't deserve, two of the things that help sometimes are remembering things that were difficult in therapy- remembering that it's work- and remembering how sometimes therapy has helped me interact with other people better, so it's better for them as well as for me.

It seems like there might be a few layers around the idea of "luxury" as it relates to therapy.

One of the things I think I'm hearing in what you're saying is that you don't deserve to have the luxury of therapy, either because you have not "suffered" enough or because you feel that you've done something wrong, therefore you should be denied "luxury."

The thing is, that therapy is not just a luxury for you, it's a luxury for everyone. If I'm a mom with little kids on food stamps and my card doesn't arrive on time, I'm sure as heck going to cancel my therapy appointment so I can go down to social services and get my card. If I'm a schizophrenic who depends on meds not to have my paranoia spin out of control, then I can only engage in the luxury of therapy when they're working. If I'm experiencing a period of intense grief because my spouse of many decades just died, then I can only experience the luxury of therapy if I can pry myself out of bed in time to get to my appointment.

Maslow's hierarchy of needs, one of the most basic and true theories in psychology, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%...archy_of_needs , acknowledges implicitly that therapy is only possible after more physiological and life-stabilizing needs are met. But this theory always reminds me of the truism that there is more to life than being functional, to having a job, having a safe home, having a stable life in terms of family, friends, etc. To grow as a person, to explore one's mind and heart, to find peace and whatever version of enlightenment appeals to you, to open up to new experiences and people-- these things seem to me more about being human or more about the real stuff of life than anything else.

I don't think that the word "luxury" is really what therapy is all about. Perhaps you are seizing upon it because you're searching for another obstacle to put between you and the good work you're doing in T. We all have our self-laid obstacles that may be extremely functional in creating some needed space when we try to push too hard. It's okay if you just need space now.

So maybe the issue is about whether or not you are content with your life and yourself as they currently are. Is it really enough for you that you have a simple absence of serious problems or prior trauma, or are you seeking more from your life and yourself?

Anne

[Perna]

I think luxury is a perspective? If you are hungry, food is a luxury. Yes, you could live without therapy but you could also live without 10 pairs of shoes? I think of therapy as a choice, a self-esteem choice that tells me I am paying attention to me and my life and doing the best I can to become the best person I can. College is a luxury for many people? Therapy reminds me of college.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Sure, I do know that me going to therapy is a luxury. I am not disabled by any mental health issues. I am competent in society. I run no risk of hurting myself. I live a 'normal' life.

So, when T and I were discussing the one year anniversary of my seeing her, she asked me how that felt. I said that I couldn't believe that already one year had passed. And although I have made significant progress on one issue, I feel stupid that I'm still seeing her because I really don't have anything that could be considered a serious problem,

And she replied, "Yes, it is a luxury."

Now, I'm feeling guilty about living this 'luxurious' life. It ties into my concern about being narcissistic and self-absorbed. It makes me feel like quitting. I spend a lot of money on this - all self-pay - and I've struggled with this issue for the whole year. But now that T has pinpointed that it IS a luxury, I feel terrible.

So it's a luxury. What's wrong with that? Don't you deserve a few luxuries?

[Unrigged64072835]

Most of my time in therapy has been for "crisis management": I would get in an emotional crisis, the T would help me get out of it, and I was done...at least until the next crisis showed up. Same with pdocs. I took the meds until I felt fine, then I stopped. It wasn't much of a fulfilling life, but it kept me sane enough to do my job. For most of my life that was all that really mattered.

Right now I'm not in crisis mode, so for me T is a luxury. Why am I there, then? Because there are underlying issues that haven't been addressed and could not be addressed while I was down. These are things that keep me from enjoying more of my life, as opposed to merely keeping me functional in society. There are family of origin and self-esteem issues that I'm working on now so I can feel more confident in trying and learning new things, as opposed to automatically shutting down in self-doubt, for example.

I probably won't be in T until I die but for me it's more for allowing me to avoid the holes instead of falling in them and having to have help being pulled out of them.

A few short years ago, therapy was a 'luxury' I couldn't afford. I only realised I needed it after I hit rock bottom (and then some,) and even then it was my dad who made me the appointment. It took someone else to tell me "you need to speak to someone." Now I wish I'd have sought it sooner - back when I too wasn't disabled by any mental health issues, back when I was a competant(ish) member of society, back when I wasn't in danger of hurting myself. If I'd have been smart enough to seek therapy back then, I could have potentially saved myself a whole lot of heartache.

I'm not saying you'd crash and burn without therapy. You might lead a perfectly normal life and be 'fine' - whatever that means - but for some reason you have sought therapy, so on some level you must know it is helping you. As long as you are seeing benefits from attending sessions, and you are finding the journey worthwhile, why stop? I believe there's a lot to be learned from this process - a lot of self discovery, self improvement... I would see it less as a luxury and more as an investment in your own happiness and a brighter, better informed and enlightened future...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

T told me though, that if being a narcissist is here . <------, then I'm waaaay over here ------------------------------->. right on the other end....to the point of never thinking of myself and a being doormat.

Did he actually use the word "doormat"?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by skycastle

One time, I told my T that I didn't know why I was going to therapy since I'm clearly fine. And she was like, "Yes, most people don't go to therapy when they're fine." And then there was this long silence.

Plenty of fit people go to the gym. Because they want to stay fit. And a good gym with a trainer, massage etc could easily cost as much as therapy. It's a luxury but it is also hard work.

So when you go to therapy, tell yourself you are going to the gym.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Did he actually use the word "doormat"?

T and I sometimes complete each others sentences/thoughts and this was one of those times. The actual word "doormat" came out of my mouth, while completing his sentence; and he agreed with me.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Plenty of fit people go to the gym. Because they want to stay fit. And a good gym with a trainer, massage etc could easily cost as much as therapy. It's a luxury but it is also hard work.

So when you go to therapy, tell yourself you are going to the gym.

This is an excellent point.

For some it isn't just a luxury. For some it keeps them alive. I know you said you feel pretty mentally fit, but what if you weren't able to be in therapy? I feel like it keeps me alive which is supposed to be a good thing.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

For some it isn't just a luxury. For some it keeps them alive. I know you said you feel pretty mentally fit, but what if you weren't able to be in therapy? I feel like it keeps me alive which is supposed to be a good thing.

Roseleigh - I was only talking about my situation. I know that therapy saves lives and is very much needed sometimes for survival. In that case it is not a luxury - not at all.

I feel sad that it makes you feel guilty and bad. I wish she had not said that to you.