[beautiful.mess]

I went to therapy yesterday and my transference came up (I brought it up ....I just couldn't take it anymore). The word "transference" didn't ever enter the conversation but we talked about the therapy "relationship" and how I struggle with the unbalanced nature of the whole dang thing and how I can't take the word "relationship" seriously when it's all one sided. We talked about how I have no one IRL whom I can trust, and so it's kind of obvious why and how I'd like to take the good feelings of therapy with me in the real world. It's not an erotic kind of transference, just your average, garden variety type where I would like my T in my life (I think.....read on).

I asked him what HE thought of our relationship and if we "click" or "mesh well".....not in an inappropriate way; he's always been the consummate professional with me, never anything funky. And he kind of dodged the question....you know, standard operating procedure . I called him out on that, and he told me he'd answer the question after *I* told him why it was important to me to begin with. It's important to me because I feel like sometimes I don't have a good judge of character with people. And by the time I realize that the person I thought I knew isn't that person, it feels too late for me; I've revealed too much of myself, I'm in too deep, I'm too attached to that person, etc. And then it makes it harder for me to trust the next time, see? So, my guard is still up....I guess I wanted his take on our professional relationship to get a better feel of safety, since he doesn't self disclose. Then he went on to tell me all the great things he sees in me: intelligent, articulate, self aware, funny.......but never answered my question which is irritating more than anything. I keep asking myself why he didn't/wouldn't answer my original question. ????

And now? I'm thinking of this all too much and it's driving me nuts. In my head, on a cognitive level, I KNOW he doesn't desire to see me in a personal way outside of the office, or love me romantically, or anything like that BUT!!! my feelings are so off the wall, complete opposite of that right now. I keep thinking of the nice things he said about me, how good it felt to have someone say something nice to me and positive for once. And I'm over thinking it. BIG TIME. I keep going back and forth betwteen the rational (he was just being nice; therapeutic; professional) and the irrational (I never hear this in my life OMG it FEELS.SO.GOOD!!!; maybe I can trust him; maybe....I don't know....maybe there's more).

This is absurd. I need someone to bring me back down. Someone. Anyone. Everyone?! LOL. This SUCKS so hard. I read somewhere that therapy is like having your heart professionally broken and to realize that going in is one thing.....but to feel it is so completely something else. Especially when it comes out of nowhere. It hurts. And the thing is, is that I KNOW this is irrational. So that makes it confusing too UGH.

I am at a loss for words that can help you, but I do understand what you mean. It took me a very long time to get through this in therapy. I still struggle at times with the therapeutic relationship. It makes no sense to feel like we (I) do, yet many of us go through this. It hurts. It is confusing and sometimes this is the very reason we want we to quit!

I know that some will say there is a logical reason for why we feel this way toward our therapists. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. I don't like it, and it sounds like you don't either. But it is part of the healing process. That much, I do know.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I am at a loss for words that can help you, but I do understand what you mean. It took me a very long time to get through this in therapy. I still struggle at times with the therapeutic relationship. It makes no sense to feel like we (I) do, yet many of us go through this. It hurts. It is confusing and sometimes this is the very reason we want we to quit!

I know that some will say there is a logical reason for why we feel this way toward our therapists. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn't. I don't like it, and it sounds like you don't either. But it is part of the healing process. That much, I do know.

Thank you Squiggle, for your kind words. I needed too, for someone to tell me that it *is* a necessary part of this whole thing even though it really, really, REALLY makes me want to quit. I feel like quitting every frikkin' frackin' farkin' week, usually the day after a session.

I struggle enormously with the therapy relationship. I told my T that he's almost like an imaginary friend to me. He only exists in my mind once I leave that office. We have no contact, no nothing until I go back. And I don't walk around IRL talking about him or about therapy to people. He told me that at least he talks back, unlike an imaginary person. LOL. So that's good. But.....UGH.

And it bothers me too that, in the grand scheme of things, I've really only known him a cumulative total of less than 2 days (1 hr a week since June). I know the local bartender better than this for cryin' out loud!

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

Thank you Squiggle, for your kind words. I needed too, for someone to tell me that it *is* a necessary part of this whole thing even though it really, really, REALLY makes me want to quit. I feel like quitting every frikkin' frackin' farkin' week, usually the day after a session.

I struggle enormously with the therapy relationship. I told my T that he's almost like an imaginary friend to me. He only exists in my mind once I leave that office. We have no contact, no nothing until I go back. And I don't walk around IRL talking about him or about therapy to people. He told me that at least he talks back, unlike an imaginary person. LOL. So that's good. But.....UGH.

And it bothers me too that, in the grand scheme of things, I've really only known him a cumulative total of less than 2 days (1 hr a week since June). I know the local bartender better than this for cryin' out loud!

I do have contact with my therapist throughout the week. I would go nuts if I didn't! My relationship with her is somewhat of a love/hate thing. I need her, but I don't like it! I hate the pain I have to go through when I am with her, but I (love) her for helping me get through it.

Therapy is not for the weak, that's for sure! It is hard work. I guess if I totaled up all the time I have actually spent with my therapist it would be about 24 hours the first year, and 40 hours this past year! That means I have been with her only a total of 8 days in the past two years. Are you kidding me? That's all?

About ONE WEEK is all I have actually spent with her. Amazing!

[roads]

If this is the first therapist you've had, it sounds as if you've found a good match & a good therapist. You're very fortunate. But you're right about how difficult the whole relationship is. The difference btw the therapist & the barkeep is that the T knows what you're going thru: He knows that part of his job is to be a professional friend to you.

The professional part brings with it establishing limits here and there. These are for the most part are laid out explicitly in codes & contracts. Love affairs, going in business together, borrowing money--pretty much anything that tends to ruin IRL friendships ruin therapeutic relationships too.

Your instinctive feeling that your T admires & respects you can be completely valid without his wanting to see you outside of therapy. His telling you that he finds you articulate and funny can be honest disclosures without meaning that he wants to take your relationship beyond the confines of his office. You can trust that every aspect of your relationship with him is built on mutual respect. No limits have been violated.

At least that's my take on it, based on what you've said.

Roadrunner

P.S. Your T isn't in love with you.

[crazycanbegood]

Your T isn't in love with you.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I do have contact with my therapist throughout the week. I would go nuts if I didn't! My relationship with her is somewhat of a love/hate thing. I need her, but I don't like it! I hate the pain I have to go through when I am with her, but I (love) her for helping me get through it.

Therapy is not for the weak, that's for sure! It is hard work. I guess if I totaled up all the time I have actually spent with my therapist it would be about 24 hours the first year, and 40 hours this past year! That means I have been with her only a total of 8 days in the past two years. Are you kidding me? That's all?

About ONE WEEK is all I have actually spent with her. Amazing!

I know, isn't that weird!? That's my OCD/anxiety getting a little out of hand there. You know how it is though, with RL friends: you see them, you can talk to them, they are in your life, other people know all about them, they're.....I dunno.....they're REAL. Not to say that T isn't real....just a different sort of real.

Thank you for reading this and putting up with me while I try to make sense of the senseless.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

If this is the first therapist you've had, it sounds as if you've found a good match & a good therapist. You're very fortunate. But you're right about how difficult the whole relationship is. The difference btw the therapist & the barkeep is that the T knows what you're going thru: He knows that part of his job is to be a professional friend to you.

The professional part brings with it establishing limits here and there. These are for the most part are laid out explicitly in codes & contracts. Love affairs, going in business together, borrowing money--pretty much anything that tends to ruin IRL friendships ruin therapeutic relationships too.

Your instinctive feeling that your T admires & respects you can be completely valid without his wanting to see you outside of therapy. His telling you that he finds you articulate and funny can be honest disclosures without meaning that he wants to take your relationship beyond the confines of his office. You can trust that every aspect of your relationship with him is built on mutual respect. No limits have been violated.

At least that's my take on it, based on what you've said.

Roadrunner

P.S. Your T isn't in love with you.

Thank you so much for helping me sort this out. Going through this is something I wasn't prepared for. I am feeling the very real feeling of wanting to quit therapy right now. I don't go back til Jan 5th....maybe by that time this whole thing will blow over and I can get on with it already, before I feel worse.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

Your T isn't in love with you.

Thank you. I just need to hear it and keep hearing it (or, reading it). From other people, esp people who understand. It helps.

I was talking to friend y'day. She knows I'm in therapy but has never gone through it herself and I *almost* told her about this because that's how crazy it was making me. But I reconsidered and didn't do it. Not worth the I would have gotten. Ya know?

[crazycanbegood]

He certainly cares about you though and always will, whether in therapy or not. Unconditionally to boot! Certainly that's better than fleeting romantic love.

[roads]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I am feeling the very real feeling of wanting to quit therapy right now. I don't go back til Jan 5th....maybe by that time this whole thing will blow over and I can get on with it already, before I feel worse.

I hope you won't quit. Please keep posting about your feelings btw now & time to go back. I think you've got a good think going here.

Roadrunner

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

He certainly cares about you though and always will, whether in therapy or not. Unconditionally to boot! Certainly that's better than fleeting romantic love.

I know, I keep trying to remind myself of that. I am getting the very best part of who he is - every week - can't beat it with a stick imo. I have that "romantic" thing with dh and it's not all it's cracked up to be when you really think about it. I want something more; something deeper, kwim? It's just confusing because normally, IRL, after feeling this you go to "step #2". But this time there will be no step #2 because it doesn't exist in therapy.....what I lovingly refer to as my alternate universe.

Thanks again.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep

I hope you won't quit. Please keep posting about your feelings btw now & time to go back. I think you've got a good think going here.

Roadrunner

I probably will not quit but I definitely FEEL like I want to. I hate feeling so vulnerable, which interestingly enough I don't feel until AFTER I've been in session. It's like some kind of out-of-body thing for me. It doesn't hit me that I was there, talking about what I was talking about until afterwards. Then I get home and feel like I want to crawl in a hole but knowing it's too late: the cat's out of the bag. But that's normal for me. I feel like this all the time. *sigh* I just need to make a concentrated effort to get my butt on here more. Being here helps.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by crazycanbegood

Your T isn't in love with you.

We need to make like a chain letter of this. Send it to the next PC member. Don't break the chain or else you'll mess up your therapy and your life!

I so needed this reminder just now. Going through intense stuff. How about, T loves you, but isn't IN love with you?

This is probably pretty elementary to a lot of people, but it wasn't to me. Last year when I gave my T an xmas present, he started crying (he really liked it, honest!) and he had cried in fRont of me before, but I just felt like I was not included somehow in this transaction. In our sessions and emails this week though, I feel so connected, so included, I do know what he thinks of me, I do know how I affect him, I know how he affects me, and I know what I think of him (not always great!). T wrote, these feelings are real.

I think that wish for "something in the FUTURE" is so strong, because we were always promised LATER, we were never hugged enough NOW, they didn't want to SPOIL us, right?

earthmamma's post this week, and skysblue link to the guy's website, are so helpful on this issue. Maybe we didn't experience these feelings early in life, but we can experience them now. I'm thinking, if a 40-yr old woman can win a gold medal in the Olympics, WE can do a little brain repair!

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by hankster

We need to make like a chain letter of this. Send it to the next PC member. Don't break the chain or else you'll mess up your therapy and your life!

I so needed this reminder just now. Going through intense stuff. How about, T loves you, but isn't IN love with you?

This is probably pretty elementary to a lot of people, but it wasn't to me. Last year when I gave my T an xmas present, he started crying (he really liked it, honest!) and he had cried in fRont of me before, but I just felt like I was not included somehow in this transaction. In our sessions and emails this week though, I feel so connected, so included, I do know what he thinks of me, I do know how I affect him, I know how he affects me, and I know what I think of him (not always great!). T wrote, these feelings are real.

I think that wish for "something in the FUTURE" is so strong, because we were always promised LATER, we were never hugged enough NOW, they didn't want to SPOIL us, right?

earthmamma's post this week, and skysblue link to the guy's website, are so helpful on this issue. Maybe we didn't experience these feelings early in life, but we can experience them now. I'm thinking, if a 40-yr old woman can win a gold medal in the Olympics, WE can do a little brain repair!

Yup, right indeed. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but living in denial hasn't served me to well in life; I can't imagine it would now either.

I saw the link in skysblue post. I was poking around for about an hour on there earlier. Every once in a while though, what I read gets so intense that I have to look away for a minute and regroup myself . It feels 10x worse at this time of year. I will have to go search for earthmamma's post and read it again.

p.s. this wasn't pretty elementary to me either. This is my first time in T though, so I have no idea what in the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is going on.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[rainbow_rose]

beautiful.mess - I have been thinking about you lately. Glad to see your post.

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I just need to make a concentrated effort to get my butt on here more. Being here helps.

yes. don't be a stranger.

[stopdog]

Would it help to remind you that really you are not in love with the t (as a real person rather than idealized) either?

[crazycanbegood]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Would it help to remind you that really you are not in love with the t (as a real person rather than idealized) either?

that's a good point. most of the time I see T as my mother but sometimes I fancy myself IN love. Then, I come to my senses and realize I wouldn't be attracted to her otherwise (because we're incompatible). But then boom I am in love again. Tis a frustrating cycle.

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

I've really only known him a cumulative total of less than 2 days (1 hr a week since June).

omg, I thought I was the only one who did that....

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by rainbow_rose

beautiful.mess - I have been thinking about you lately. Glad to see your post.


yes. don't be a stranger.

Thank you.

It's so hard for me to put myself "out there", even on the internet. I'm so used to being inside myself. I need to stop being that way constantly; it's not a healthy way to live. But PC and all the people here are never far from my mind.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Would it help to remind you that really you are not in love with the t (as a real person rather than idealized) either?

YES! That's helps too!!! See I know it up here *tapping on my forehead* but inside.....deep inside.....it doesn't feel that way. I keep waiting for the feelings to catch up to the knowledge/thoughts and it's not happening fast enough. Actually, it's not happening at all.

But it still helps to read it. Hear it. Experience it. *gulp* (I hope).

Thanks stopdog.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

omg, I thought I was the only one who did that....

HAHAH! Nope, not the only one. I almost brought this up to T y'day in session but forgot. It's probably better anyway. It really just feeds into my anxiety/OCD to sit there and pick it apart when in the end it's completely irrelevant, ya know?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

omg, I thought I was the only one who did that....

I do it too. I told the one I see, when the t was gping on about trust and attachment, that I had known her for less than one week at a 40 hour work week.

[beautiful.mess]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I do it too. I told the one I see, when the t was gping on about trust and attachment, that I had known her for less than one week at a 40 hour work week.

Was it like a revelation to her? Did she look at you like you had a toilet seat around your neck? Or do a lot of people do this?!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by beautiful.mess

Was it like a revelation to her? Did she look at you like you had a toilet seat around your neck? Or do a lot of people do this?!

The t did seem surprised.