[Chopin99]

There is something I find curious. My T has told me she can’t be my mother in the therapy process. However, when I described what she is doing with me in therapy, my H and a couple of friends have opined that she is being just like a mother. She is saying “no” to me. She is trying to teach me how and why to have boundaries. She wants me to be independent. She wants me to know I’m a worthy person.

I see the truth in the analogy. The way I’ve been reacting is like a 3-year-old. Think about this:

Me: I want you to be my friend.
T: I can’t do that because it is not in your best interests.
Me: *Throws self on floor and has a tantrum.*
T: I only want what’s best for you.
Me: I want to be held.
T: I don’t want to because it makes me uncomfortable.
Me: *Starts whining*
T: But I will hug you. *Demonstrates*
Me: I want to email you whenever I want and I want you to reply.
T: No, I won’t do that because that will make you dependent on me and I have a right to have a life outside my work.
Me: *Screams bloody murder.*
T: You need to read and study this book. It will teach you about boundaries.
Me: Okay. *Reads book and starts to understand*
T: I’m happy for you. You’re doing a good job. Keep going. You’ll get there.
Me: I will get there.

I mean really; how much healthy parenting is that? I'm starting to see the growth (maybe I'm up to age 4 now).

I'm bringing this up to T tomorrow. I can't wait to hear what she has to say whether she agrees or disagrees.

[roads]

Youve taken a word, "parent," and defined it as someone who does "those" things.
Your T acts as she understands her profession, therapist, allows and does "those" things.

Hm...

Roadie

[Chopin99]

What my boundary work is showing me is that most adult boundary issues stem from overindulgent, inconsistent, overprotective, neglectful, or abusive parenting in early childhood. I had the first three. Also, my attachment style is usually caused by inconsistent or overprotective parenting.

I liken my therapy process to a "re-parenting" of sorts. I just hope it doesn't take 18 years!!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Me: I want to email you whenever I want and I want you to reply.
T: No, I won’t do that because that will make you dependent on me...

I tackled my T on the email issue today, and I realise that she has never used this particular argument.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Youve taken a word, "parent," and defined it as someone who does "those" things.
Your T acts as she understands her profession, therapist, allows and does "those" things.

Hm...

Roadie

So you're saying the disagreement is more about words than about substance? That is often the way.

I've got to chuckle here. . .not in a dismissive or hurtful way, but in regard to my own issues regarding emailing a therapist. I WANT to email my therapist when I WANT to!..... But I don't want or need her to email me back . .. I just want to have my say! My emails usually follow shortly after our sessions. It's an opportunity for me to talk or analyze what we talked about . .. I tend to live solidly in my head.

Lucky for me, my therapist hasn't seen this as a "boundary issue" for me. She has allowed me to email "at will" for as long as I've seen her (2 1/2 years on and off). I've never been bothered by her answering or not answering . .. But to be honest, she has been fine about responding to any and all emails I've sent .. .There have been a few that she hasn't responded to and I haven't been in the least bothered by that. If I wanted to discuss it, I took it to our next session. I admit that I am a person who "thinks" much better through the written words. I can articulate "thoughts" very easily through the spoken word, but when it comes to deep thinking or feelings, I do much better through journaling or email. But that's just me. The fact that she is so receptive to me being able to email has meant a lot to me when I think about moving productively in therapy. . . But then I also know that what makes this world go around so perfectly is that we are all so very different and work so well with such different therapists!

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

Lucky for me, my therapist hasn't seen this as a "boundary issue" for me. She has allowed me to email "at will" for as long as I've seen her (2 1/2 years on and off). I've never been bothered by her answering or not answering . .. But to be honest, she has been fine about responding to any and all emails I've sent .. .There have been a few that she hasn't responded to and I haven't been in the least bothered by that. If I wanted to discuss it, I took it to our next session. I admit that I am a person who "thinks" much better through the written words. I can articulate "thoughts" very easily through the spoken word, but when it comes to deep thinking or feelings, I do much better through journaling or email. But that's just me. The fact that she is so receptive to me being able to email has meant a lot to me when I think about moving productively in therapy. . . But then I also know that what makes this world go around so perfectly is that we are all so very different and work so well with such different therapists!

JB- It isn't a boundary issue for my t either. I'm so thankful for that. I'm similar is doing much better at deeper stuff thru writing. So much gets communicated that way that would otherwise be missed. Today's whole session for instance....BJ

Chopin - It seems like your t (and mine) can use healthy mothering or parenting ways with us as needed without being a stand in or replacement parent figure. -BJ

[Chopin99]

First, I want to iterate that I don't *actually* act like a toddler, it's indicative of the reaction I have.

Roadie, I like your handle on semantics!

Everybody else, you guys focused on the email...not really the point, but okay. I'm glad your T's allow you to email. I have a feeling she has given me her personal email address. Whether that's true or not, I think she's a compulsive email checker. I'm as OCD as they come, but I don't check my work email on the weekend! I think the email thing with her at this juncture is related more to teaching me boundaries than anything else. She desperately seems to want me to have them in my life...and admittedly, where I have set them, it's working for me so far!

BJ, I think you hit the nail on the head. Our T's are teaching us the skills our parents did not without becoming an actual surrogate parent themselves. I think my T is just maternal in nature, and when it comes down to it, I don't want to replace my own mom! I love HER!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

What my boundary work is showing me is that most adult boundary issues stem from overindulgent, inconsistent, overprotective, neglectful, or abusive parenting in early childhood.

Boundary issues in adulthood stem from not having experienced or learned them in childhood. The parents may/may not be able to teach them (they taught us to walk and talk, the finer details, like boundaries, might have been beyond them :-) and/or we might/might not have been able to learn them; they're not easy to learn as they aren't usually directly discussed/taught and some people need more/less direct teaching and others might not be able to learn, ever. We can't learn "everything", especially all at the same time. I was finally "grown up" about age 54; slow learner

[granite1]

wow chopin interesting way of seeing things. after my melt down lastnight i can see my T as responding like a mother to a child having a tempertantrum with reguards to my not talking.he deciding to go get water and kind of had the attitude if your going to talk ill listen if not i'm going to get water and mints ang go about with other things.

[Chopin99]

[QUOTE=Perna;2305349I was finally "grown up" about age 54; slow learner [/QUOTE]

My boss, a 50 yo male, told me recently that he thought it was about time he grew up. He was encouraging me to "figure out what I want to do when I grow up."

Sorry I didn't respond directly to what you were saying in your post, Chopin. I do believe that some clients often view their therapists as providing what they "never got" from their parents, and they perhaps see their therapists as giving them that kind of parental support and guidance they never got. Personally, I don't view my therapist as being "parental" in her guidance. I truly see her as a mentor; someone who guides and supports me in my journey for a deeper understanding of my own issues. I'm pretty good at seeing issues that others have in their own journey for self awakening/self awareness, but when it comes to myself, I stumble around blindly and often get horribly stuck. I rely on her ability to see things from afar. I'm too close to my own problems that I can't see the "forest through the trees!"

There are times in therapy that I feel about twelve. This is where I got stuck in my own development. But even though that's pretty young, considering my advanced age , I still don't see my therapist as a parental figure. She's about six or seven years older than me and we have so many similar views on life due to the closeness in our ages. It makes us laugh a bit when one of us mentions something from the sixties or seventies . .. things that others I interact with have no idea about because they weren't born yet. She gets it! I love the fact that we have that common ground in our relationship. It helps me to feel truly seen and understood.

I get what you're saying though about how your therapist is providing what you missed in your own childhood. I think it's a pretty common feeling for a lot of people in therapy. Nice to have that kind of connection and support!