she sent my letter back to me

I'm sorry, Granite. Whatever your T may or may not be doing with respect to boundaries is something you'll have to discuss, and I hope you can get some relief from your pain and come to see that it's not a foregone conclusion that she doesn't care about you because she didn't read the letter.

What I do find particularly cruel about it is her sending it back to you. I could understand if she refused to read it, but there is something very intentional (and in my opinion excessive) in going out of her way to send it back with a note. I think a more appropriate thing for her to do would be to tell you she will hold it, but that she is going to keep that boundary of reading it together and not reading it beforehand. I don't think her intention was to reject you, Granite, but I can completely understand why it would feel that way -- I'm pretty sure I'd feel that way too.

How do you know what color I am?

You said "She is trying to help you by teaching you how to give and receive, how to successfully interact with others" and that seems like magic insight to me.

Non-magic would be to say something like "She seems to me to be trying...".

I would interperet it as a sort of frustrated/ hostile act of object lesson on the part of the therapist. I would have thought keeping it, even if not reading it, and bringing it up in the appointment would have been kinder.

granite1 I havent read this whole thread but I wanted you to know that I have seen therapists that have sent my letters back to me unopened with the same note attached. it wasnt because they didnt care or because they may not like me.

it was because -

some agency's have rules about how to handle letter writing. some agencies say therapists can only receive things from their clients *during* the therapy sessions.

Some agencies dont allow their therapists to accept letters /emails / other forms of communication that is not done during the therapy sessions due to confidentiality. sometimes it is the receptionist or office workers not the therapists that open/check mail and emails.

since 9/11 new rules have gone into affect with some mental health and physical health and government agencies regarding receiving sealed envelops in the mail. there have been many social services, mental health, and government agencies that have received things like bomb threats, threats of harm, powdered with poison envelops / letters that have been sprayed or dusted with harmful things. you may feel you are a mentally ill person that is perfectly harmless but reality is that in general the mentally ill are unpredictable and some in the past have snapped and tried to harm their treatment providers. so many mental health treatment providers are making it harder for their clients to harm them by following some basic security rules. having the client open the sealed envelop and reading the letter to the therapist ensures unless the client is out to harm their self the envelop and letter are safe to handle.

some mental health providers are moving away from accepting letters from their clients because its being discovered (around here where I live and work) clients sometimes will write to their treatment providers and not say or do any work during the actual therapy session. by having clients bring in their letter and read it to the therapist work is getting done during the therapy session.

Some mental health providers have to charge the client or their insurance for every minute they spend on helping the client including how much time it takes to read a letter, think about that letter and work with the client on the information with in that letter. by having the client bring it in to the therapy session and read it to the therapist it is actually saving the client money and therapy time. many insurance companies put limits of how many therapy sessions or funds per client that is available.

some mental health providers are moving away from accepting letters and emails because its not included in their agencies rules, regulations and billing practices so any they receive they dont get paid for and has to be taken care of during their off work time. it cuts into their time with their family and may also affect their being able to afford things for their family.

my suggestion - instead of jumping to conclusions that your treatment provider hates you, doesnt like you or is doing anything wrong, you might want to go to your next therapy session, take the letter with you and ask the treatment provider why they sent it back to you and didnt open it. only the treatment provider knows why they didnt do what you expected/wanted with this letter.

Yeah, she did that last year, or last time.

((((Granite)))) I could be wrong, but based on your other posts here on PC, it feels like this is what my T would say "touching on your core trauma" ... ?

He says that when I feel that "hurt beyond belief" emotion.

I understand why your T is trying to find a way to get you to use your voice and reclaim your voice, but man this is a tough way to do it. But you can use this perhaps as a way to find out what the inner pain is about?

granite The only person saying her intent is to be cold... is you.
She might very well be excited and looking forward to hearing your letter on the 9th. I am very sure that she's interested and is redirecting you to having a connecting experience *with her*.

I am with Echoes. I don't think her sending you the letter back is cold in light of her continual efforts to make you feel comfortable enough to share with her vocally. It may seem harsh to have such a rigid boundary, but she doing it for your own good. I understand it hurts nonetheless. Reading some of your posts, I can certainly see your T cares for you. She is empowering you by returning the letter to you so that you yourself can tell her face to face what it contains. She could have left it in a desk drawer, unread and forgotten. Instead, she wants you to read it in her next session.

Hang in there granite and take care of yourself. Your T cares for you, as does your family and I am sure many others.

Given that you couldn't read the letter the last time she held onto it until your session, if she were to do that again, she would just be setting you up. Maybe her sending it back with the offer to have you read it during your session is her attempt to give you time and space to prepare to read it during your session.

I think that she really wants you to read it to her at your session, she has been consistent this way. I hope you can find the courage to do so and I really believe from what I have seen from you here that you can do it. Everyone here stands behind you in supporting you.

Anne

Wow, 3ttcharm! That analysis of the situation is outstanding!
I do understand your pain, Granite, but I also think that your interpretation of the relationship is skewed . ... hey, who here who is "in therapy" doesn't confuse, misinterprete, skew or just generally f' up our interpretation of all our relationships? It's what we all do and that's why we're in therapy! Would I WANT my therapist to send my letter back? Absolutely not! I'd be hurt and wounded . .. .but over time I"ve learned that I'm the one who screws up relationships. I've learned that my therapist makes genuine mistakes, not because she wants to hurt or wound me but because THAT is the nature of ALL human relationships. I've had to learn that I have a part in trying to untangle the mess that relationships get into. I can't always solve them, but I can participate in unraveling them.

I hope that you are able to go back and talk to her about the hurt and pain her solution to your letter caused for you. If you don't TELL her, she can't know the pain and hurt. I do understand that you have difficulty communicating verbally, but you do have a responsibility and part in trying. Yes, you can give up and walk away, but can you honestly say that you will be okay with that? I mention that because I've walked away when hurt and wounded and I can honestly say nothing was better and a lot was worse. She is willing and committed--she wouldn't have sat with you for three years with you struggling to talk if she wasn't invested. It isn't about the money. BELIEVE me, there are clients out there for our therapists and the good one's stick with us through thick and thin. It isn't about the money. It's about believing that they can make a difference. Good luck and I hope you are able to work this out.

((((Granite))))

I feel your pain, and I wish I could take some of it away from you. I would be very upset as well. I guess your t has a reason for her actions?.?. I seem to remember that talking during sessions is tough for you. Maybe there is a growth opportunity here.
Meanwhile, we're here to listen and offer many hugs.

Bluemountains

Granite1 - have you considered trying a t who will let you write until you are comfortable speaking? I realize it is not easy to change ts. I keep going back to one who has no plan and who humiliated me and blamed me for it. But there are ts who will let you write them and work into talking (I have checked out quite a few therapists and I usually ask about this because although I can talk, I at times, need to clarify or try to write before more drastic measures post - appointment when I am usually more frustrated by the bizarre interaction than when I went in). I even consulted one who told me she sat and computer chatted in the office with a client who was also in the office with a computer for over a year because the client had such trouble speaking.

I do not object to boundaries in general because I think they are for the person setting the boundary, but the idea of anyone deciding what is for my own good besides me is a concept I find very disturbing. Untold harm has been perpetrated upon others in the name of "for their own good". I am not saying Granite1's t is bad, but to let someone else decide what is in a competent adult's best interest is a very dangerous, unnecessary and paternalistic way for a t or anyone else to view therapy.

From my DBT group learning over this last year.....your comment is completely your emotional mind speaking........the goal we need to aim for is using our wise mind to analyze situations we are in. That means using our rational mind which tells you that if she didn't care she wouldn't have sent you back the letter with the note telling you that she wants you to read it in your next session. Logical mind says that if she really didn't care she would have just thrown the letter away. Logical mind says that there is nothing she could have done with the letter anyway before your next session & since the letter is a record of your thoughts......that is exactly what you need to be taking into therapy with you.

Wise mind......takes the emotional mind that is hurting & wrote the letter with all the hurt that needs to be expressed & combines it with the rational mind that tells you that the letter can't be processed between you & your T until your session.......wise mind says.....YES, I need to take the letter with all my feelings in it & go over it in my session with my T.

In DBT, we keep diary cards & all the information surrounding them & take them to our T when we see them. My T has been taking care of her elderly mother......I had one session the beginning of Dec & can't see her again until Jan 23.......I have a friend who is dying of cancer & it's bringing up all the past pain from my mother & the trauma I went through with her 7 years ago. There is nothing I can do to force my T to be available.......that is just part of radical acceptance.....& using the skills that I have to get me through the distressful time.

I know that you will see this situation more clearly once your emotional mind has thrown it's fit & gotten it out of it's system so that your rational mind can start working again.

Take your letter & read it to your T so that you will have the chance to work on those issues.....just because you can't do it right at the minute it's hurting doesn't mean that it can't be processed at a later date just as successfully.

so many responcesthank you all for caring so much.right now i am kind of numb and this is an ok place to be.i am confused.my T knows it will be impossable for me to read this letter to her and this is why i am so convinced she doesnt care at all about what is going on with me. i dont even know how i can read it.i am just going to destroy it and forget it.i am going to go to sleep.i ttok some meds to help me calm down so i will respond to all of you tomorrow i promice.but for now know that reading all these helped me more than you all can believe.each post made me think in many differnt directions and i do see i need to again breath and step back and rethink things if i can

Wow granite, I am SO sorry. When I first started out in T many a year ago, I couldn't talk either. One day I wrote a letter and sent it to her. She read and Thanked me for writing it asking if I felt comfortable to write more. She thought it was a GREAT idea. So there are T's out there that would definitely work with you. Maybe you need to find a new T. It sucks and it's hard, but damn you deserve so much better! Sending you safe

Know that you most definitely are NOT hated here.

Maybe not. Maybe she sees something in you and has faith in you about this.

After all....it wasn't so long ago you felt it was impossible just to talk to her in session And now look at you go!

I'm so sorry Granite (I hope you get some rest tonight)

ARgh!! this just sucks!

I felt a *jolt* in my heart .... just thinking about a T. returning an unopened letter with such a note that you received.
I'd feel flattend., run over, smushed..... (even so she said she won't read letters, still-- what would it have hurt if she would have written-- "I'm hoping you understand" or something kind like that....)

I have a feeling some T.s follow the idea of "tough love" with ALL their clients... that just doesn't make sense to me. Some of us can be so "injured" that the tough part of the "love" blinds us from whatever message is being sent..... I so hate tough love.
It just pushes me away.....
proves to me that humans are cruel-- even in regards to caring....

and you know what--- it doesn't have to be that way... I see a T. now that doesn't ever do that.... thank the stars! (but, then-- uh, i've never sent a letter *shrugs*)

*sigh*.... Granite.... please know you are in my heart.

Please know you are not beyond help, you are not a mess and you do deserve inner peace.

ps.... maybe what others are saying-- about going to your session and your T. has good intentions and all-- they could be seeing things clearer than I am....
fins

that's as many hugs as I could fit into one post!

my therapist has a similar boundary about reading things outside of session and I have bumped up against it and I know it doesn't feel good at all.

sending you lots of supportive energy, granite

(((granite)))

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I would feel absolutely crushed if my T sent back a letter that I took the time to write. You will make it through this; we're all pulling for you here. We all support you and care. Just hang in there granite...

I've had that done so many times now, it's always a fear of mine... I'm scared to even write T's letters anymore... because of things like this..
I never like that kind of "tough love"... as we can see, it never did help us any.. just made us seclude ourselves inside without letting anyone in at all after so much of it...

i woke up again with all this crap and conversations running through my head again.some things clear and somethings not so clear.and a lot about that stupid letter and my T.i want to get it out of my head and maybe make some sense out of it so I'm sorry if it is to much rambling. these are some of the things that were going through my head that i would love to tell my T about this but know i never will.when i wrote that letter,(this is the letter http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=210252, ) i was so hurting and feeling so out of control and alone. it wasn't about being able to talk about it and work through it,i didn't feel that there was anything anyone could say.what i wanted and what i needed at that time was to know that there was at least someone who knew what was going on with me,i wasn't looking for a response or anything just that someone knew and cared, just someone at that moment in time when things are bad not 20 some odd days later.i didn't want to be alone in all this but i was.i couldn't tell anyone around me what was going on,how much i was hurting,i know that no one would understand.i just wanted someone to know.i know a lot of what i was going through had to do with the mother being so close and around,i guess my T would call them flashbacks,i can kind of see that now as the feelings i have are slowly getting less intense and she is now gone.the thought this morning about why my T sent my letter back unread hurt so much is this..when the mother hut me so bad phychicaly i know i had to be scared and i was also scared i was going to die or it was going to never stop and no one knew what was going on or if they did know(my farther,and family,some teachers)they didn't care or did nothing.i was so alone all the time i didn't dare reach out at all.but i am sure that it would have helped if someone just knew then.back then if i would have died or things went seriously wrong no one would have known that anything was wrong.no one knew or cared.i guess in a way i felt the same way when i wrote this letter.i wanted someone to know if things went really bad if i couldn't handle things i wanted someone to know.i wanted someone to know things were bad.but she never read my letter and didn't care just like in the past and everyone else.ignore it all,i am to busy in my life to even look at someone who is in pain and is being hurt .i don't want it contaminating me and my well being.maybe ill write more about what i was thinking but i need a break right now.sorry if this is so long and drawn out i really am just trying to make some sense out of how much i am hurting and why

Good job on expressing your pain!! Keep on talking this out!!!!

Makes so much sense the way you explained this, granite.

I can identify with the feeling of wanting somebody to know, both now and when I was younger, and there is nothing more lonely and isolating in the whole world.

I know. We know. I hope that helps. You deserve to have people, including your T, hear you and help you.

Anne

Way to go, Granite...good job expressing your pain around all of this! And I feel like I understand a bit better now. So I, for one, want to thank you.

And I know, it can be so, SO hard when we have crushing feelings and no one to share them with. And I know I personally hate having to wait until it's a convenient time to let things out. Because sometimes we just need someone with us RIGHT NOW, right?

I think Ts have a tricky job in that respect. The truth is that they can't be with us all the time or whenever we need them. (And I think it wouldn't be healthy for them or for us if that's how they lived their lives) So I think they have to be careful with boundaries, which is what your T was probably doing. It hurts, but it'd probably have hurt more if she always read your letters, and then suddenly decided not to this time. It'd be a total "what the heck" moment.

I want to echo something Echoes said. I think it's hugely important...

Your T has no reason to believe that you can't read the letter to her. Have you been able to up till now? No. But that only says what you have done, not what you can. If you can speak, you really can read a letter to her. It might be excruciating, true, but there's a world of difference between not physically being able to read and not being willing to risk feeling awful emotions.

I say all this because of something my own T pointed out a few times a little while back. I've got a number of things I'm in T for, but there's definitely one issue that is the main driver behind my being there. I identified it when I started T, and have been trying to avoid it ever since. It just feels so huge and awful and unsurvivable to me.

So when I talk about talking about that issue (and why I'm avoiding it so much), I always get to a point where I say something along the likes of "I just really don't think I can survive it." T let that slide for a little while, but then she started pushing back, wanting to know what I meant by that and really why, specifically, I felt that way. And the reality is, I was all the time talking myself out of believing I could manage my emotions around the issue. The more I said things like "I can't survive it," the more I believed it and the less I was willing to go there.

It's not easy, for sure, but over time my outlook has started to change. There's nothing, literally, that's going to kill me if I talk about that issue and feel the emotions around it. I'm scared as heck, but I've started taking baby steps because I know that I'd convinced myself of something untrue.

And I'm wondering about you. Is it really true that there's somethign that makes it literally impossible to read? Or is it "just" that you're afraid?

Peace, friend. You really do deserve it.