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  #101  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:29 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES View Post
granite, , you have been afraid of the consequences of speaking and speaking your deepest thoughts in therapy for a long time. It takes time to work through something like this. What helps is remembering that your T has accepted you and your words, without consequence.

I think when things get stirred up in you, that stirs up your words, and then you arrive back at your worry of the consequences of speaking your words.
i just wish she wrer around.i want to learn how to talk to her but it just doesnt seem to work all the time and i think i have had only maybe 2 sessions that i have talked about the mother.i know i need to and i need to talk about all the stuff that went on in my head as she was here.but the panic is so bad and hard.i dont know how to get around it at all.i also struggle with talking about talking.feeling like it is such a waste of her time. she says she hopes that some time i will trust her enough to talk. that i just need to pick the first thing in my head and go for it.I'm so scared and i know it has been going on for a long time .i guess i should feel if she already doesnt like me what could it hurt .but i just feel likeit is so impossable
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  #102  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:31 PM
Anonymous37798
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What do you do in sessions? Do you both sit in silence the whole time?
Thanks for this!
granite1
  #103  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:34 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SophiaG View Post
Could anyone explain why T's want us to read stuff to them outloud?
i don't know sometimes i feel it is really mean and other times i think it is because one of my big problems that i am in T for is my inability or unwillingness to talk much at all.my T says that i use my writing as a replacement for using my wordsand she says that it isn't helpfull at all to let me keep doing this so when i write something she wants me to read it to her outloud.i really struggle with understanding this and i hate it.i often find the explinations that others have here to help me not get lost in feeling like she is just being horrible.
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Rx, no medication for that
  #104  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:39 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ECHOES View Post
It is about you, so they want to hear it in our own voice, with all the emphasis placed where we want it to be placed. They want to be connected with you as you read and share what is too hard to say spontaneously. They want to be right there to respond authentically to you, in the experience, as it unfolds in the moment of the reading. Words are powerful and personal.
do you think this is true?it sounds reasonable.i just keep seeing in my head how bad i must look and how awful i must sound trying to read something or even trying to talk with my voice going away and my face turning beat read and how i have to keep stopping because it feels so wrong. none of it feels natural to me and i must look and sound like a complete idiot to her.
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Rx, no medication for that
  #105  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:41 PM
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ECHOES ECHOES is offline
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granite, yes I do. And if you struggle and your face turns red, I think that must touch your T deeply to see how courageous you are
Thanks for this!
granite1, rainbow_rose
  #106  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:41 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by roadrunnerbeepbeep View Post
As jaybird said, stunning take! Wow.

She's got this, granite, as I'm sure you saw (I haven't read on yet). Your T wanted you to have it in hand, didn't know whether you had a copy, so many reasons to return it to you for your safekeeping.

In our lives there are some hard truths for each of us. Most of us have to learn them over & over, but they are never-changing. Me, for example. My sense of direction is 180-degrees wrong. Always is, always was. Always will be. Always. I don't know whether I'll ever accept that, but I guess it's gonna always be true.

In your case, granite, I think it'll always be true that your T cares. I don't know whether you'll ever be able to learn that lesson. But if you look back at your own history, there is nothing but abundant evidence that it's true.

Roadrunner
i hope someday i will feel in my heart and sole that she does care and that i will have one person IRL that i can just tell anything
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT

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Rx, no medication for that
  #107  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:45 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow8 View Post
granite, you're doing such hard, deep, amazing work on yourself on this forum. I wish that you could let your T in on it!!! It would be so helpful for her to know what's going on in your mind about the letter she mailed back to you. She's strict with her rules, though.

My T reads my emails but she doesn't comment on the strong feelings in them unless I talk about them in my session. It's the same thing. She wants me to tell her, to talk to her in the present about what I wrote.

Is reading as hard as talking for you? I mean, if you look at your letter and not at your T, can you read what you wrote? I found that I can sort of disconnect from myself when I'm reading something I wrote that I can't say. It's not the ideal way, but it would be step towards what your T wants.

I feel so bad that you DO have the words, in writing, to tell your T, but she insists on your saying them. I don't know if this is a power struggle or not. What would it take for you to be able to read the words you write? Is your T's method correct, or an error? I so wish you could at least have a consultation with another T and ask if he/she would read your letters if you couldn't talk?

I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful but this is coming from my heart because of my experience with different Ts. You are like a precious jewel locked in a jewelry box and your T doesn't necessarily have the right key to open up the box and let the beautiful jewel that you are come out and shine. Or, perhaps she does have the correct key and you just need more time.

I wish only happiness for you, granite.
reading is very hard also.i think again it's the whole talking thing.it isn't any different it is still my words and voice and fear and self conscious.your words are alway helpfull and wonderfull to hear rain nrver any worries.
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  #108  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:52 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CantExplain View Post
This thread is very triggering for me and I couldn't read it through to the end. I am very angry at Granite's therapist and I am angry at several people here.

I have felt rejected by my therapist on the subject of emails. If T sent my letter back I would feel really rejected. And nothing anyone could say would change my mind.

There are certain standards of behaviour that are more important to me than therapy. Therapists have boundaries, but I have boundaries too!

If I was a T, I would have kept the letter and sent back a note:
Thank you for your letter. I have kept it unopened so that you can read it to me at your next session.

Granite's therapist had done some wonderful work up until now and I feel gutted that she could make such a stupid mistake and throw it all away.
wow i think her just sending me a note saying that she has got my letter and will open it for me to read or something would have been awsome but i'm not sure i would have read it .what i want is for her to read it and know what is in my head and she wants me to use my words.years ago i wrote her letters and then i would refust to talk to her about what is in them.now that i am calmeri can say this.i knew what her boundry was.i knew she wouldnt read the letter but i didnt know she would send it back to me.i just in my heart wanted things to be differnt i wanted her to know what i was going through with the mother here.but again i didnt want to talk to her about it i didnt want to face it at all.i just wanted to hand it to her and hope she could some how make it better.at least this is what todays thoughts are about it.
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  #109  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:57 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by velcro003 View Post
granite...how are you feeling today?

can't explain: i don't think anyone has told granite that her feelings were "wrong" in any way, or that she "shouldn't" feel rejected. I think others are giving her a different viewpoint that may be possible. No one really knows, and only granite will know if she can ask. i probably would be hurt too, but i don't think i would think of it as my T throwing everything away.
i am feeling better.i think i am better every day the mother is gone.i mean today i had only one moment of erational thought and anger.i think that may have been do to low sugar.i have a feeling that the panic will set in monday when i have to go to T.all the conflicting feelings and wanting to talk about all this and the not being able to.i am going away friday,sat ,and sunday to bring my son to VA.that will keep my mind off it all untill monday and i am thankfull for that.
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT

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Rx, no medication for that
  #110  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 08:59 PM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rainbow_rose View Post
i've been thinking of you today, granite. hope you are doing ok.
thanks for thinking about me i am doing better. you guys are all amazing in how helpfull you all are.thank you
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  #111  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 09:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Squiggle328 View Post
What do you do in sessions? Do you both sit in silence the whole time?
yes squiggle this is exactally what happens.when things get really bad i cant hardly even move.i have gone months without ever saying even hello.i do think at times i am getting better.like i will always try to say hello and if i dont my T asks me to.and if i am completely silent sometimes i am able to draw on the floor with my T or play a game or write.or play with these magnetic words she has hundreds of them and we spread them all over the floor.and a lot of times yes we just sit in silence.sometimes she will speak and say something like do i want this to be a silent session today? will that hepl me ?etc...
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  #112  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 10:04 PM
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skysblue skysblue is offline
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Granite, what are your goals in therapy? Why did you begin seeing a therapist and what do you hope to accomplish? I know you've touched on some of your issues - like with the mother and your difficulty with her. But, what specifically do you want from therapy?
Thanks for this!
granite1
  #113  
Old Jan 02, 2012, 10:15 PM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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Granite1 - just as some small commiseration - I usually throw up before I go to the appointment, I spend the first ten minutes or so literally shaking, my chest pounds, my throat gets tight and dry, sometimes I try to talk and no sound comes out and sometimes I cannot hear the t because the pounding in my ears is so loud it drowns out all sound. The physical symptoms usually subside and for about 30 minutes I can talk, but then it starts up again at the end. And I have been seeing the t for a year and a half. I understand not being able to talk.
Thanks for this!
granite1
  #114  
Old Jan 03, 2012, 03:20 AM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by skysblue View Post
Granite, what are your goals in therapy? Why did you begin seeing a therapist and what do you hope to accomplish? I know you've touched on some of your issues - like with the mother and your difficulty with her. But, what specifically do you want from therapy?
that is tough i know some goals.
i want to be normal and to be happy.
i want to not always SI and think this is an option
i want to not hate people and life as much as i do
i don't want to have people in this world hate me as much as they do
i want to be able to just work up to my potential and not let all this stuff get in my way
these are some of the goals i have and each goal has a bunch of other goals attached to them that pertain to them.
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT

Dx, HUMAN
Rx, no medication for that
Hugs from:
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Thanks for this!
BrokenNBeautiful, skysblue
  #115  
Old Jan 03, 2012, 03:22 AM
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granite1 granite1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stopdog View Post
Granite1 - just as some small commiseration - I usually throw up before I go to the appointment, I spend the first ten minutes or so literally shaking, my chest pounds, my throat gets tight and dry, sometimes I try to talk and no sound comes out and sometimes I cannot hear the t because the pounding in my ears is so loud it drowns out all sound. The physical symptoms usually subside and for about 30 minutes I can talk, but then it starts up again at the end. And I have been seeing the t for a year and a half. I understand not being able to talk.
i am so sorry that you are able to relate so much.i have vomited a few times before therapy but never durring although that is a fear of mine.
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT

Dx, HUMAN
Rx, no medication for that
Thanks for this!
stopdog
  #116  
Old Jan 03, 2012, 04:50 PM
stopdog stopdog is offline
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Originally Posted by granite1 View Post
i am so sorry that you are able to relate so much.i have vomited a few times before therapy but never durring although that is a fear of mine.
Yes, i have that fear too.
  #117  
Old Jan 03, 2012, 05:17 PM
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skysblue skysblue is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by granite1 View Post
that is tough i know some goals.
i want to be normal and to be happy.
i want to not always SI and think this is an option
i want to not hate people and life as much as i do
i don't want to have people in this world hate me as much as they do
i want to be able to just work up to my potential and not let all this stuff get in my way
these are some of the goals i have and each goal has a bunch of other goals attached to them that pertain to them.
Has your T helped bring you closer to some of your goals? How long have you been seeing her?
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