she sent my letter back to me

I am so sorry that you feel the way you do....you owe her nothing, please understand that...NOTHING! Put up with you? Not. Her job is to listen and help people, not to cause them more hurt...

i don't know today i feel one way and tomorrow i will feel another but for today i wrote T a letter that i am so hopping that i will have the courage to read. my session is a long time away so i may chicken out but thought i would share it with you guys first

12/31/11
Dear T,
I didn’t bring that stupid letter I wrote to read to you because it doesn’t matter anymore. What I do want to say is that I get it, that unless it is during our appointed time between 5 and 5:45 you are not to exist to me and I’m not to exist to you. The way I see it is this is the way you keep all this horribleness from contaminating any other part of your world and that is just the way it needs to be. It was a lesson hard learned and yup it did hurt but understandable. Me being as relentless as I can be a lot of the time, it sometimes takes a hard knock on the head to get me to see and accept these things as they are and I’m sorry

The thing is that letter wasn’t really about me being able to talk to you, or not seeing you, I mean maybe in some ways it was, but it was more about someone knowing and hearing me. Things were so bad and I just wanted someone to know what was going on. You didn’t have to respond at all, we didn’t need to waste time talking about it, and you didn’t even need to spend a lot of time thinking about it, other than reading the stupid letter. I just wanted you to know things were bad. I just didn’t want to feel so alone. You didn’t need to see me for 20 some odd days and it probably took more time to write that note throw it all in an envelope and get it out of your office. God you should have just shredded it. Like I said it really wasn’t about the letter it was about the connection, about someone knowing right there and then when things were so wrong and bad. Not 20 days later, 20 years later but then when it mattered. Now it feels like whatever, what’s the point of dealing with it now? You want it to hurt all over again? You want to tell me how wrong I am and was for writing that stupid letter? I get it and don’t need you telling me anymore. Except for my appointed time on Mondays that don’t happen to be a holiday none of this exists. The problem is I feel now even when it is my appointed time to exist you don’t feel it is your responsibility to even remember anything I might say. I am willing to understand and am able to accept you not wanting to have anything to do with me other than our appointed time ,no e-mail, no letters, no thought what so ever, but not feeling you need to remember anything I say during this appointed time is too much for even me. it just screams that none of this is all that important . I just don’t think as hard as I try that this is ok with me. I can’t see how not needing to remember what I say is at all helpful. I don’t know, I feel it needs to be somewhat important. I guess I am just feeling completely and totally ashamed and humiliated about my spoiled brat child like view of how therapy was going to help me. I was so wrong and I’m sorry. I guess I don’t know how to do therapy and make it work, I guess I never did. If it didn’t work years ago I now see how stupid I was to think it would work now.

On a better note it wasn’t all bad, and I am able to take one thing away with me that was kind of good. I can sometimes now see that I do not have to just accept the mother’s views and follow her blindly. I have the choice to say no .I mean I may not be perfect at it, and I may have only caught myself doing this once or twice ,but who knows? The seed had been planted and maybe it will grow and in time I will get better at it.

I know that next Monday is another Monday holiday and that means I wouldn’t see you for another 14 days. I have already not come there for 21 days and now it would be another 14, as I see it this is going to be as good a time as any to stop. I just think it would probably be the easiest for me and for the best. Thanks for listening and all the help and stuff.
Take care,
me

Granite, it is good that you wrote a letter expressing what you are thinking right now, but I still question if what you are thinking is based in reality. You are doing a lot of mind-reading, flawed as mind-reading usually is, when you speak of contamination and that you can only exist to her during appointments. You know you have called her to talk to her a few times over the years and that is always an option, just an option you have chosen not to use very often. She wants you to use your voice because our voices give us strength and control and power over our lives. Our silence is what keeps us a slave to the horrors we have endured in our lives. She is trying to help you find your voice it seems, not saying you are somehow contaminating her life. That idea just doesn't make sense.

And you speak of her not remembering anything you say . . . I don't remember that being something you have written about, but perhaps I am just forgetting. Perhaps she forgot something you said, but does that translate to her not remembering anything you say? I would guess not.

I guess what I am saying is that your thinking about this situation is still not well-based in reality. I think what you are perceiving has MUCH more to do with your history than it has to do with your T. I'm so sorry you are so hurt and confused right now. Take your letter and read it to her, but be prepared that she will challenge your thinking. That won't mean she doesn't believe you or that she doesn't hear you. On the contrary, it will mean she hears you loud and clear. Use that voice.

I disagree; we have our own heads and hearts in there with fantasy ideas about what the "reality" is. We cannot know what another person is thinking unless we ask, unless we check our assumptions ("reality checking" http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...nd-your-dreams) with them. The only way to know what Granite's T was thinking and feeling (other than the words of her note) when she sent the letter back is for Granite to ask her.

But, we do not have to reality check; we can go with our assumptions that we know what the other person was doing and, if we don't like what we have come up with and act on that, we move to a place apart from the other person. It is only by being curious about our hurt and where it is coming from, whether the person is deliberately being hurtful (and why we are hurt; a person who is deliberately hurtful is generally not one I hang around with and I'd be curious how I could be hurt by someone I didn't like or respect) or they were thinking and feeling something I have not understood.

I try to give people I choose; as friends, loved ones, therapists, expert-team members; the benefit of the doubt when I am having difficulties. I use what facts, by which I mean "logic" I can find to comfort myself if I cannot immediately discuss the situation with the other person.

My T is a professional, has a doctorate and a track record of helping me in the time I have seen her. I can remember discrete incidents when she has helped me and, though I can also remember times I hurt, they were resolved when I discussed the situation with her or thought about it more thoroughly. The resolution of difficulties counts as "successes" because I learned how to help myself, how to work with another to resolve our differences to my satisfaction in my life. I can remember almost wanting difficulties so I could practice resolving them (as the Arab proverb says, "All sun makes a desert").

That was why I was in therapy, to feel better about myself and my interactions with others. I kept my eye on that goal and whether things felt good or bad, I worked with my own feelings and used them to help confirm my reality and act to my benefit or to help see where they were showing me my perception was off, adjust that and work it through so I could then confidently act to my benefit.

I think Chris may have a point that Granite's view of the situation is not necessarily reality. However, I think it would be truly empowering for Granite to read that letter to the T. Granite gets to express the way that the T's actions appear to her, and it gives the T a chance to address that perception.

Good job writing it out Granite! If I were editing it for you, I would remove the apologies, but other than that . . . LOL.

Well I am going to disagree with farmergirl a little bit. I think it's a good letter. (then again, I am watching Yam Roll and My Goldfish Is Evil Saturday morning cartoons.) you have figured - FELT a lot of stuff out. I like the part where you talk about 20 days 20 minutes 20 years later who cares! SO TRUE! SO PSYCHOLOGICAL! So clear. Being able to state your resentments against your T is the first step to resolving them. I wish I had that courage, that security, that confidence in my T. I always think of granite's posts as a math test where the teacher says, "And show your work, not just the answer!"

lol i love the math test analogy but the problem is sometimes i get the calculations all screwed up and the answer comes out completely wrong. but right now i don't trust that the teachers answer is any better.i just don't know.i don't know if anything i am feeling is right or wrong it could be completely wrong but it is how i am feeling and it does hurt even though i am trying to change it...i'm kind of scared to show my T any resentment.i talk a huge game here but i bet i chicken out with this letter and go to my session and say nothing and not be willing to talk at all because i am terrified.

Feelings aren't right or wrong. They are whatever they are. It is just the thoughts that spark the feelings that we sometimes need to evaluate for accuracy. It's okay to feel what you are feeling, Granite. Talk to your T about them and where they are coming from. I suspect there is a great deal to be learned from this.

thanks farm girl i was just looking up the post i did about my T saying it wasnt her responcibility to remember what i said and it was in the one titled I want to run not walk away.her responce was so hurtful then also. i so really do want to just walk in to her office and talk to her but i really have no idea how. it isnt just her it is in almost all aspects of my life.i find it so much easier not to say a word.i find a way to talk to her and OMG it feels like my gut is being ripped out and someone is choking me.and it shows.it just is so bad and scary and it doesnt feel right .i dont know how to change that.i hate having my T see me that way,it is humiliating and embarrassing.i hate my voice i hate how i sound the words i use and everything.i know with all my poor me posts it doesnt seem like i am trying at all but i really think i am i alway try to say hi to her when she says hi to me.in fact she has gotten to the point ware if i don't say hi she will comment about it and remiond me to say hi.that may not sound like a big deal to some but to me it sometimes feels like i have spoken a novel.i think in the end i think these days i am just trying to make sence of a lot of stuff all at the same time and make it ok on my own because i can't ask her and even if i could who knows if she will answer.

i kind of wanted to say sorry for pestering her with this letter i kind of knew i shouldnt have written.she will probibly never read this one either.

thanks perna i think i was tought the statement when in doubt check it out.it is unbelievably hard for me to do.i am going to check out the link you sent when i get out of work.thanks for it

It is a lot easier sometimes to say what you have to say if you decide that the T is a monster and you hate, hate, hate her. Then you can get up the courage to say it all, whatever may happen. Throw caution to the winds.

granite, , you have been afraid of the consequences of speaking and speaking your deepest thoughts in therapy for a long time. It takes time to work through something like this. What helps is remembering that your T has accepted you and your words, without consequence.

I think when things get stirred up in you, that stirs up your words, and then you arrive back at your worry of the consequences of speaking your words.

Love this analogy, hankster

Could anyone explain why T's want us to read stuff to them outloud?

I agree that it is most likely a good idea for Granite to try to talk to her t about it (at least if and when Granite wants to). I am saying "most likely" just because we can't ever say anything for sure for others, but I really
think it's a good idea.

The point of what I was saying before was that it's too extreme to say "our perceptions of situations are always, wholly ours." If that was true, even after you do your fact checking, you'd still be stuck in your own perception, and you'd have to check your facts on your fact checking, ad infinit... (what's that phrase that means doing the same thing on and on indefinitely?).

I'd say you almost always have to trust your perceptions to some extent. There are some situations where you can go back and check your facts, especially in therapy, but you can't always do that in every interaction, and it wouldn't be good to always do it even if you could. I don't think there's a simple formula for saying when holding back your emotions and using "logic" to comfort yourself is the appropriate thing to do. Sometimes expressing your emotions just as they are immediately can have advantages too. (I'm not thinking about the practicalities of when the relevant person you're upset with is unavailable. If you're stuck having to wait to talk to them, then maybe you have to express the immediate feelings in another way.) Like the way Granite so passionately wrote out how she felt when she got the letter back. Sometimes I wish I could write like that, but I probably already would doubt my feelings if they were that strong and I would be afraid to write them.

It is about you, so they want to hear it in our own voice, with all the emphasis placed where we want it to be placed. They want to be connected with you as you read and share what is too hard to say spontaneously. They want to be right there to respond authentically to you, in the experience, as it unfolds in the moment of the reading. Words are powerful and personal.

As jaybird said, stunning take! Wow.

She's got this, granite, as I'm sure you saw (I haven't read on yet). Your T wanted you to have it in hand, didn't know whether you had a copy, so many reasons to return it to you for your safekeeping.

In our lives there are some hard truths for each of us. Most of us have to learn them over & over, but they are never-changing. Me, for example. My sense of direction is 180-degrees wrong. Always is, always was. Always will be. Always. I don't know whether I'll ever accept that, but I guess it's gonna always be true.

In your case, granite, I think it'll always be true that your T cares. I don't know whether you'll ever be able to learn that lesson. But if you look back at your own history, there is nothing but abundant evidence that it's true.

Roadrunner

...um... ad infinitum

thank you both for the question AND the answer!

granite, you're doing such hard, deep, amazing work on yourself on this forum. I wish that you could let your T in on it!!! It would be so helpful for her to know what's going on in your mind about the letter she mailed back to you. She's strict with her rules, though.

My T reads my emails but she doesn't comment on the strong feelings in them unless I talk about them in my session. It's the same thing. She wants me to tell her, to talk to her in the present about what I wrote.

Is reading as hard as talking for you? I mean, if you look at your letter and not at your T, can you read what you wrote? I found that I can sort of disconnect from myself when I'm reading something I wrote that I can't say. It's not the ideal way, but it would be step towards what your T wants.

I feel so bad that you DO have the words, in writing, to tell your T, but she insists on your saying them. I don't know if this is a power struggle or not. What would it take for you to be able to read the words you write? Is your T's method correct, or an error? I so wish you could at least have a consultation with another T and ask if he/she would read your letters if you couldn't talk?

I'm sorry if I'm not being helpful but this is coming from my heart because of my experience with different Ts. You are like a precious jewel locked in a jewelry box and your T doesn't necessarily have the right key to open up the box and let the beautiful jewel that you are come out and shine. Or, perhaps she does have the correct key and you just need more time.

I wish only happiness for you, granite.

This thread is very triggering for me and I couldn't read it through to the end. I am very angry at Granite's therapist and I am angry at several people here.

I have felt rejected by my therapist on the subject of emails. If T sent my letter back I would feel really rejected. And nothing anyone could say would change my mind.

There are certain standards of behaviour that are more important to me than therapy. Therapists have boundaries, but I have boundaries too!

If I was a T, I would have kept the letter and sent back a note:
Thank you for your letter. I have kept it unopened so that you can read it to me at your next session.

Granite's therapist had done some wonderful work up until now and I feel gutted that she could make such a stupid mistake and throw it all away.

granite...how are you feeling today?

can't explain: i don't think anyone has told granite that her feelings were "wrong" in any way, or that she "shouldn't" feel rejected. I think others are giving her a different viewpoint that may be possible. No one really knows, and only granite will know if she can ask. i probably would be hurt too, but i don't think i would think of it as my T throwing everything away.

i've been thinking of you today, granite. hope you are doing ok.

i think this is something close to what my T is saying about me not remembering that she told me that she wasnt going to be here for these sessions.