Am I really special?

I'm sorry you moved so much had such a difficult childhood.
I do understand the missing something, and the wanting to be special.
I have described something similar in the past, as wanting to *matter to someone*. Really matter. Because, I think that mattering and feeling special are important to feel about ourselves, and it's something we first feel from the outside, in. Then, when we internalize, take it in, then we can really feel it and really see ourselves in that way. But I think it's tricky to get that in therapy, because there has to be a healthy balance between what comes from therapy and the therapist, and what comes from within. The seeds are planted and nurtured, and have to be allowed to mature. I think this is why some therapists don't hug - because it could interfere in the process of 'growing' feelings of mattering and being special that are coming from within and that will therefore always be available to us.

Thank you that perspective, it was comforting.

The question is, "Am I really special?"

I think what one person means by "special", what the context is, and the obvious question, "to whom?" can shed a lot of light on one's self that can be helpful even with no answer to the question.

Look at what you have learned about yourself, LolaCabanna, without getting a definitive answer from T like you'd like.
I do not find it at all "silly" to not know when someone likes you, I find that a great therapy goal; you were not taught to recognize when someone likes you because you never had that experience or never learned to associate being liked with a certain feeling/emotion! You can learn to know when someone likes you, you can find people who like you and, because they like you grill them on "Why" do you like me and learn more about yourself as seen by others and how to choose and make friends.

I just this moment asked my husband, "What do you like about me?" and he replied, "Well, conversation, refreshing viewpoint, sometimes cute, hugging and kissing, you're a pretty good fit; as you have said sometimes, "you amuse me," (e.g., I, Perna, amuse him) it's true. I don't think any of those answers included the word, "fun", they should."

Now, because he is another person, I have to accept that his point of view is his and true for him. To him, I am a good conversationalist, refreshing, cute a good sensual partner, feel comfortable/fit him, am amusing and fun. I, in a sense, have to "agree" with his point of view! If I respect him and his point of view, that means I AM those things? So, I instantly get a boost to my self esteem :-)

The paragraph a couple before, where I talked about learning to recognize when someone likes you; I use that principle all the time. What principle? It's about learning and I can do that! I know myself to be a good learner, I have learned in the past, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, sometimes reluctantly, sometimes with joy but I am a learner and if I apply myself to and want to know it, I can learn it. Breaking down therapy into learning tasks made things much less painful to me and clearer.

My T was a calm, quiet woman and I was anxious and all over the place, thought the world was coming to an end any minute. Eventually I had the thought, "T is calm and quiet; either she is crazy or the sky is not going to fall". I made a choice and jumped to the belief, one I did not yet feel, that the sky was not going to fall and started working with that premise? When I am anxious now, I look for how I can do something reassure myself rather than just sit in my anxious state, sort of wringing my hands and saying, "Oh no, oh no! The sky is going to fall!".

I think you are special. Do you believe that? Do you feel that? Why or why not? If you T said it, would you believe it? Why? All the meaning, all the learning and perspective has to come from us in the end. I like, love, and trust my husband and his judgement so I can almost always transfer what he says to belief, self-growth, and education.

What is your relationship to your T? Can you ask her, "What do you find positive about me?" and use that to help yourself? What is your purpose in asking your T if you are special? Can you treat any answer as information, as education and use it to help yourself?

It's all for not... I think I pissed her off with my juvenille behavior via text message tonight ( the other thread I started ), although I called her , she text me back and afterva few back and forths she said she could refer me... I am freaking out! And she has stopped responding to text messages and I told my partner what I did and she is crying because she is worried T dumped me and I'll lose it! Ok.... I need to breathe......

She may have only responded in that way because she was hearing something that made her think that is what you want. She would not do that as a punitive act. I hope you can just text her back and tell her you don't want to be referred, so you can feel better.

Maybe she just wants the rest of New Years Eve with her family and friends. She must care about you a lot since she's already been texting with you on a holiday night.

I wish that were true learning one.

Ahhhh the "specialness" syndrome. Let it alone, Lola. It isn't worth the pursuit and anguish. . .. Tomorrow or the next day, text or email your therapist and let her know that you just "freaked out" because of the holidays. I'm not saying "lie" . .. okay, in a way I am, but reality is that most therapist dont' really and truly understand the starkness and pain of the holidays. I think that many of them have gone through their own demons but reality . .. they haven't had to sit in the ***** all of us have had to put up with over the years.

I'm not saying that it's okay for us to stay in our ***** for days, weeks or months. But it's okay for right now, . . .. for the New Year to feel our pain, anger, rage and despair without our therapist's qualitfying what we feel. We're allowed to feel it raw and open. Tomorrow is another day. I wish you well.

Yea its unprofessional of them to have "favourites". I think its more along the lines of what SarahMichelle said - everyone is special in a unique way.

My T told me I'm special but I know that she tells that to all of her clients.

Hmmmm. I think this is just about the greatest thread ever.

I have to admit, though, that of my two cats, I feel one is more special than the other.

My T and I have talked about this issue quite often. When I expressed a desire to be his favorite, to be special in ways that his other patients weren't, he asked me if I thought it would be healthy and fair for a teacher to have a favorite student who received special treatment, and then he asked me how my kids would feel if I favored one over all the others. When I thought about it in those terms I began to see the dangers and unfairness of displaying favoritism.
We also talked about the fact that closeness and needs exist in varying degrees in all relationships -- sometimes a parent feels closer to one child than to another, maybe because that child is easier to relate to, but that doesn't mean the parent loves the other children any less, and an emotionally healthy parent will try to find ways to form a closer relationship with the other children rather than treating the closest one as his favorite.
That doesn't mean my T treats all his patients exactly alike, because we all have different therapeutic needs, just as children have different needs at various developmental stages. What it means is that he always asks himself "Why am I doing this with this one particular patient, and would I do this with others if they had a similar need?" If he realizes he is consistently being pulled in a direction with one particular patient and he is meeting needs he would not meet for his other patients, it's time to examine his own feelings and motives.

I don't know what's "normal", but every T I can remember did ask questions like that.

Again doesn't matter she is not contacting me so I feel it is over. I called her as opposed to the text messaging she initiated and then refused to respond to. I hate this , it's over..... Now what?

i suggest watching a funny show on hulu and not doing anything about what transpired until your next session. truly, i think texting, calling, emailing, etc could make the situation worse. actually i havent read the other thread you referred to so i could be talking out of my butt

I text messages her this morning begging for an "it's ok" and I called and left a message 1 hr ago begging for contact.... Nothing.... I think it's over , I'm done .... She dumped me

I am sorry to hear you are in such distress. It may simply be she is not checking texts or phone messages or replying to clients on holidays. I often do not check texts or messages on my "work" cell phone if it is off hours or a holiday. I leave that phone at home in a drawer if I am going out with friends or have company over etc. So is it at all possible she has just not seen or gotten the messages or is waiting until her work week starts again to respond?

she either has not noticed your contact or chooses to speak to you during your next session. i've been there and the only thing that will make you feel better, i think, is to distract yourself. you can't do anything more right now, and if you try and continue to get no response, you'll make yourself go nuts. stop. walk away from the phone. walk away from PC. go and play with your partner.

Your therapist isn't dumping you. It's new years day and she's probably chilling with her family and not thinking of work and has her phone turned off. Look at it from her point of view, it's the holidays and she wants a break.

Well I sent her an email .... Sorry, I was nuts, I assume we are done, I know I'm crazy"... I think it is over, I am numb .... I just need to breathe

Y'all I feel so sad.... I win I did it I ran the T off! Why? I am so F****d up! Why push til it's over? It got hard ... Push til they quit!

iirc your t does this sort of thing a lot to you.... gives weird responses to things...

lol you didnt run your t off!

i think youre playing out what you expect in relationships with people here. actually, i think this is a good thing because when you see that you havent run your t off, you'll look at your posts here and possibly come to some realizations about things.

non contact doesnt mean someone doesnt care or that they will never be back. you'll be fine!

My last email the self fulfilling prophecy....You said no email but as i think you have dumped me or are planning on it. I feel like you are punishing me, just let me know if you are done with me so I can know and relax develop a plan etc. *I need you to contact me , you said face to face only but you text messaged me. I will assume we are done if I do not hear from you. No referral necessary I don't know if I have the balls to try this again. I am sorry for wasting your time and I am sorry for all the after hour contact. This waiting game, sitting with it what ever the hell you call it, your silence is killing me. Right or wrong it's killing me. As of now I assume our professional relationship is over and I will not contact you again . I am sorry, I should have addressed these issues years ago. It's easier to think you aren't ****ed up. I know I am.... Deep down. Partner said to suck it up... I should be happy with what I have because I shouldn't be where I am.... All true , no comfort in that... So I'm lucky. I know I ruined this, I made my bed now I need to lie in it. Self sabotage... Partner said it tonight.... Lol knowing is half the battle is ********. I hope your 2012 is filled with love, peace, health and riches! Thank you T I am sorry if I caused you any grief. Season and reason... Peace be with you

She's not going to dump you. Sure, she may be frustrated or even annoyed a little because it's after hours, the weekend, a holiday, etc. But believe me, whatever you did or said has been done and said by most of us, and we have not been dropped by our Ts. To some extent, Ts expect us to go nuts, get angry, be resistant, lie/mislead, etc. You guys will discuss whatever went down, and she may have a discussion with you about those pesky boundaries.

Walk away.