[granite1]

i am so drowning and i am alone completely.i don't want things to be this way.i am so confused i don't know what i am doing wrong.i want to feel better not so panicked but it wont go away.i have problems with my son that are hurting so deeply and are so exaggerated by all the crap in my head.the mother was here for a week and has now left but i still have all this crap in my head.i am going and going and going.i cant sleep for a few days and then i crash and sleep for most of the day and then it starts again and all the time all this crap is running around in my head.my T has run for the hills at least that is how it feels to me but that is nothing new but i have all this crap in my head that wont calm down.i cant get any relief .i want to feel better.i cant seem to feel better at all and i don't know what to do any more i just keep going nothing stops at all.i want my mind to stop i want my thoughts to stop.i want to think good things but they wont come at all.i want to stop panicking.i swear it feels like i am loosing and resemblance of control i may have left and i still have 2 weeks before i am able to see my T for one session before she goes away again for her new years Monday off and another 2 weeks before i see her.god i hate her so much right now for leaving me .i could say it is OK if she wasn't going to be seeing so many other clients.i am getting so sick to my stomach with all this continued panic.and I'm on auto pilot weather i want to be or not.it is like something else is making me get through my days.nothing good because i just want to hide but cant seem to even do this. the hate and anger and panic is so overwhelming but i cant get away from it .i feel like my god how am i doing this and when will i just snap and loose all reality.maybe then i will be able to just take a break and rest.i wont care.i don't want to care.
__________________

[Chopin99]

Granite, I can relate. Not right now, but a couple of months ago, I was where you are now. I wish I had a easy answer for you, but I do not. I had to suffer at the time, I didn't have access to T either. A med change helped the depression some and once it kicked in I remember what T had told me about depression: that sometimes you have to fight your way out, kicking and screaming and clawing your way out of the abyss. It's something she has to do to this day since depression is something that tends to recur over the lifespan.

All I can do is keep you in my prayers and support you the best I know how.

[WikidPissah]

((((granite)))) Maybe you can call T? Ask he for another day this week and next? Just tell her your in crisis, that the mother left you a mess and you really need to see her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

((((granite)))) Maybe you can call T? Ask he for another day this week and next? Just tell her your in crisis, that the mother left you a mess and you really need to see her.

the fear of doing this is way to much and i could never bring myself to do it.the idea of asking to see her and then going in and not saying a word because i am so panicked and angry is too much and i know that will happen and i am also terrified of rejection.if she told me she didnt have any space open i would still hold it against her and feel completely rejected.i have already sent her a letter that i probibly shouldnt have written ,and now i have this huge urge to send her an e-mail,(something she has told me not to do quite firmly)just to say that i hate her so much right now and push her away even more.i dont know why i want to do that because in my heart i want her to be here with me to help me feel better.

[granite1]

e-mailing her would be so much the wrong thing to do.why do i want so badly to do the wrong thing to push her further away.right now i hate her so much but i know i wont after i see her a few times in a row but i know that wont be for a long time and i cant let go of the fact that all these other people get to see her today and nextweek and the week after that and so on and i dont .i just need to suck it up stuff all the hurt and pain and go on and on and on and make sure i still trust her in the end NOT.

[granite1]

trigger for mention of SI and SU



i'm not really in a crisis.i just seem to be in a constant state of panic and really overwelming emotions and it wont go away.i am never really in any kind of risk or crisis .i dont think it would matter even if i was what would she be able to do.i am just expected to deal and see her when i see her.i SI a lot at times but she knows nothing about that and i dont really consiter that a crisis because i am not in any place to kill myself or nothing i am to much of a wimp for that

Originally Posted by granite1

right now i hate her so much but i know i wont after i see her a few times in a row

Is there any way you can hang onto this? You know that after you see her, you won't hate her. So maybe you don't even hate her right now.

Maybe you hate feeling unsupported, maybe you hate that you have stress with your son, maybe you hate that you had to see the mother. Sometimes when I can get to the root of the feelings that I want to put onto T, it helps me move a tiny bit out of the painful place that I'm in.

It IS painful to know that other people are seeing T when WE really want to be seeing T. Next week, T will be in his office all week, but I don't get to see him until Friday. I really wanted to see him earlier in the week because this is a LONG break, and I do feel super annoyed with all of those lucky clients who get time with T while I have to wait. Maybe you hate them a little bit?

I remember that you have called T in the past, and it has helped. I really think it's okay to reach out for support right now. T knows that it's hard for you to miss your sessions, and she knows how hard it would be to have the mother here. She's working anyway, so you won't be bothering her. Can you call her, tell her you're having a hard time, and let her support you a little bit? I bet it would help.
to you.

[granite1]

i dont know what i would say to her,or even if i could talk .i dont know if it would be helpfull or just anoy her.i have only called twice in 3 years.it isnt like i am in any kind of crisis or anything i am just miserable and i dont know if her words would help me at all.she will probibly say we will talk about it when we meet again and that will be it.

[unaluna]

Can hubby call and ask for an appointment? That way you don't have to actually HEAR it. He's part of your support group. They made Flooded's husband go to an appointment with her, so why wouldn't they take a call from your hubby? I used to make my 2nd husband answer the phone on Sundays when my mother called, she accepted it. Anyway, we are all here for you and thinking of you, for what that's worth.

[CantExplain]

[SoupDragon]

Has T ever talked you through what to do when you get these thoughts and feelings? I can relate to what you write, it sounds like my tornado I get sometimes in my head. So much whizzing round, too much. T tells me to do grounding stuff, noticing what is around me using all my senses. Keep safe granite, these things suck right now, but they will pass. Hugs, Soup

[granite1]

i havnt really talked to her about these thoughts and panic and stuff.she wont bring it up unless i do.most times i cant.i did talk about it a few sessions ago because it was bad and she just pushed me to tell her what was going through my head or how it is feeling.i wasnt very good at telling her at all and it just seem to make things worse.then the next session was about the fact that she was not going to see me for the next few sessions.i was so shocked that i couldnt deal at all about anything else and wasted the session dealing with the fact that she didnt tell me she was going.right now i dont care about her not telling me i just want her to make things better even though i know that wont happen.i know she didnt read the letter i wrote her.i hope she didnt because i cant deal right now.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite, are you going to be asking to have yr appointment changed to some day other than Mondays?

[granite1]

probibly not i would have to talk to her about it and i am not ready to do that yet and i am not ready to hear her tell me no either. i just cant risk it yet i know if she said no i couldnt handle the rejection and would quit because i would feel so humiliated.not to mention the whole not wanting to be too needy because she will hate me.she only works monday ,tues and wed so she probibly doesnt have another time anyway i had to wate for 2 months for this spot

[ECHOES]

Don't ask. Tell her you need another day of the week for your appointments.

[rainbow_rose]

granite - I'm sorry you're struggling so much right. i don't think I could add much to what others have said. Just thought thought I'd stop by and offer my support.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite - with great affection, you know that, pls let me say something...

Why does yr T have to tell you that since Christmas and New Years fall on Sundays, the next days are Monday holidays? You already know that.

You never expect to get mail on Federal holidays, do you?! You never expect yr postman to tell you he won't be coming by?

And yet, every swingin' Monday holiday that occurs throughout the year is one more exercise in "T hates me", "T never told me", "T is abandoning me, " etc.

It just seems that you could save the relationship a lot of wear and tear by just changing to some other day of the week. Give yourself a break.....

[pbutton]

Could you maybe ask her if you could be put on a waiting list to be moved to a different day? Possibly tell her that Monday holidays are very hard on you and if she ever has an opening on a different day that you'd be interested. That way you're not asking for RIGHT NOW and she doesn't have to say no to your request, it's just something that may happen in the future if possible?

I so totally get what you're going through here. You're not alone.

[unaluna]

I couldn't ask for afternoon appointments for over 3 years. I HATED getting up in the morning, I ruined my health, it messed me up innumerous ways - I had to leave those slots for other imaginary people. I HAD to take slots after people who came in REALLY early. I was probably NOT doing T any favor at all, but somehow I felt I was. When I asked for afternoons, he was kind of hurt that I felt ashamed to ask before, like it meant our bond wasn't as strong as he believed it was. So it's not that simple to JUST ASK. There is a lot of work behind it. I think what we see is granite sharing that work with us? Because from just a few sessions a month, man, you DO make some amazing leaps and bounds in progress! But that's how therapy goes, you feel like you're plodding along, in a rut, not getting anywhere, then all of a sudden, wham-o.

[pbutton]

It's definitely a hard thing. I have a similar thread about this right now - I am upset that my next session was scheduled 5 weeks out. I have an email from T specifically telling me he has emergency appts available, that I just need to ASK.

I'm not anywhere close to asking. I need to save those appointments for imaginary people. I totally get it.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I need to save those appointments for imaginary people. I totally get it.

MY imaginary people thank you for your consideration! You're not really crazy if you KNOW you're crazy, right?

[SoupDragon]

Just wondered how you are doing today (((granite)))

[roads]

Hi granite ** lots of gentle hugs **
Roadrunner

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite - with great affection, you know that, pls let me say something...

Why does yr T have to tell you that since Christmas and New Years fall on Sundays, the next days are Monday holidays? You already know that.

You never expect to get mail on Federal holidays, do you?! You never expect yr postman to tell you he won't be coming by?

And yet, every swingin' Monday holiday that occurs throughout the year is one more exercise in "T hates me", "T never told me", "T is abandoning me, " etc.

It just seems that you could save the relationship a lot of wear and tear by just changing to some other day of the week. Give yourself a break.....

i know you mean this with all care and no worries but i really didnt know that she had monday off when these holidays were on sunday that was a complete surprise.in fact i had an interaction whare my T was upset because she thought i was going to miss my monday session that was on the 26th.so i told her that i was going to be able to make it and she was happy.when i confronted her with this all she said was oh i guess that must have felt quite contridictary.she said she didnt pick up on that and she wasnt perfect.yes i miss her and i do feel abandoned by her when she leaves and has so many mondays off.i just cant bring myself to ask for another day.i just cant.it also makes me crazy when she says that we have been talking about her days off and i dont remember any of these conversations.her answer for this is that instead of admitting she didn't tell me she came up with thinking that i am not remembering because it would hurt so much about her not being around that i make it easier in my head to have her be a bad reckless T instead of trusting her and stuff like that.i didnt really understand all of what she was saying.as far as her not needing to tell me about her not being there ahead of time.some may not need any notice and i didnt at one point but now it seems like i do need time to adjust and work it out for myself.it is to abrupt when she just says oh do you remember me telling you im not going to be here next week.i know that makes me way to needy and i hate it and am going to try and work on it.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

I couldn't ask for afternoon appointments for over 3 years. I HATED getting up in the morning, I ruined my health, it messed me up innumerous ways - I had to leave those slots for other imaginary people. I HAD to take slots after people who came in REALLY early. I was probably NOT doing T any favor at all, but somehow I felt I was. When I asked for afternoons, he was kind of hurt that I felt ashamed to ask before, like it meant our bond wasn't as strong as he believed it was. So it's not that simple to JUST ASK. There is a lot of work behind it. I think what we see is granite sharing that work with us? Because from just a few sessions a month, man, you DO make some amazing leaps and bounds in progress! But that's how therapy goes, you feel like you're plodding along, in a rut, not getting anywhere, then all of a sudden, wham-o.

thanks for understanding how hard this is even though i know it should be something so simple