this is only a test,or is it

i have this huge overwelming desire to go into T on monday and say that it is time for me to QUIT.i even have fantacys of telling her i have contacted another T and am going to switch.In reality i dont really know what i want to do about staying or stopping.i know that after everything that has been going on in my and her not being around to help me and also her sending the letter i sent back unread har hurt me so bad and has also shaken up any small amount of trust i may have had in her. i know saying that i want to leave is a dangerous test that i know my T will fail at if this is what it is.i have ideas of saying this and her saying that she would like me to stay and work with her that she understands how hurt i was ,she wants to help me etc..etc...etc..i want all kinds of reassurances from her,but i dont know how to get this.i dont know how to ask her or to believe the answer.i can only see actions and lately her actions are screaming i dont give a rats ***** about you and i hate working with you.

so if running the risk of her saying that if i feel it is best to stop then so be it she will not stop me or try to perswade me to stay at all,and best wishes and then shows me to the door.i am completely awair that this will be her responce. but how else can i know her feelings and if this is her feelings yes it will hurt and i am prepaired to leave and never go back. is this a fair test?probibly not ,i dont know. i just feel like i need to do this so bad.is it even a test at all if i feel i have no other choice?

I do not think she will try and stop you from quitting to see another therapist. I think they are supposed to leave that up to the client. Even if it does hurt her, she might not show that hurt to you because therapy is about you not her. I do not think you will get the reassurance you may be seeking if you do this. You could try telling her (if you can talk to her) about this desire and possibly get reassured she cares like that. I quit and go back all the time to make sure I can and for other reasons - and it is very important to me that the therapist not try to make a claim on me, so I could have your situation all wrong.

Testing people really is never a good idea; it's pretty manipulative actually. I doubt that you would like someone to play games with your feelings. That would really anger you. So doing this kind of seems like you are setting her up to "prove" to you that the worst you think of her is actually true.

A better and healthier option would be to talk to her about how the long absence and returned letter have left you feeling about her. Explain to her how this made you feel and how conflicted it has left you about continuing therapy with her. Allow for an honest dialogue between you rather than manipulating the situation so that neither you nor her are dealing with the situation with all of the honest information that is needed to work through a situation like this.

Sounds like this plan of yours is really a way to avoid having to really communicate your hurt to your T. I know communication is hard for you, but this is one of those instances where it is vital that you talk this through with your T so you can have some resolution. Please handle this in a straightforward manner so that you can maybe gets some relief from all of this pain you are in. The "test" will only leave you in more pain. Honesty will at least make some type of resolution possible. No guarantees grant you, but it would be a start.

Hoo boy, I can SO relate. Maybe try telling her in the same way that you told us. Tell her you feel like telling her you need to quit and that you feel like testing her to see what her feelings are about you.

I totally agree with farmergirl on this one granite. Talking to her and directly sharing how you feel about what's happened is the next step in your moving forward in your healing and personal growth.

I know it seems like a big risk, but is it really any bigger a risk then testing her by telling her you want to quit? If you really need a test- why not go for the one that asks her to honestly tell you what she was thinking when she sent that letter back to you- and did she even consider how that would make you feel?

I know for me granite, that the times when I've felt like quitting, but went in and openly spoke to my T and told her how I was feeling, she was able to respond in an appropriate honest manner- and I heard the things she truly felt, so I knew with a surity how she felt, not what I thought she felt. It also happened that what she said to me was very comforting and helped to repair whatever lost thoughts I had about her and I came away from it all with a bigger sense of confidence in our relationship and a repaired hurt that really never had to be there if it weren't for my random thoughts about what I thought she meant.

Please give T a chance to explain. And please, tell her about all the suffering you've gone through as a result of her sending that letter back. I think you'll feel so much better if you do granite. This is your next big growth step to being healthier- don't bypass it- ok??

I had fears also of T wanting to be rid of me. I also thought I saw her actions reflect that. It put me in a panic. But instead of threatening to quit I asked her these questions:

My questions are: is there any circumstance where you will terminate? What are they? What about when I'm bratty? when I'm unreasonable? when I'm whining? when I'm acting pathetic? when I'm angry? when I've exposed the most nasty and shameful parts of myself? when you finally learn what a bad person I am? when you discover that I'm a liar and a cheat? when you learn that I'm greedy and mean? when you learn I've done things that are terrible? when you see how low I am? when I pester you all the time by calling you? when I say/do things in session you don't like?

, "yes, you are a professional and you must put up with lots of stuff but I want to know how you, as a person, feel."
Like a clerk at a shop will be polite and attentive to the customer and offer the best service possible. But if it's a difficult customer, the clerk may groan when the customer enters and be relieved when the customer leaves. So, do you dread my session coming up and feel relieved when we’re done?


And after each question I paused and waited for her response. I took my time to try to 'read' her and if she was answering truthfully. So, although I didn't 'test' my T I did give her a test.

i feel like that alot, i want to tell her i quit but i really dont want to quit i just want to leave and not wait for her to tell me ok therapy is over its been nice

Can I ask what her response to the first question was? I tried getting a straight answer from my T several times to this and she always dodged it.

I did this with the last T. I had.... I wasn't "testing" him, I was just being really honest about quitting... and he pointed to the door and said that I was free to leave at any time.... that showed me for SURE that he didn't care and this all wasn't worth the mess in my head..... I think I was fishing for a bit of encouragement as I had/have multiple struggles going on at the same time, and going to therapy at times felt just like an ADDED struggle..... but... nope-- there was NO encouragement on that T's part.

Please Granite-- think real hard about this--

"is it even a test at all if i feel i have no other choice? "

Really?
do you really have NO other choice or is that what your faulty thinking is telling you?? (heh, just so you know-- I seem to be full of faulty thinking)

will be thinking of you

fins

what if i dont trust her words right now.does that mean i should quit because i have no trust.i really dont know. i don't know what she can say to help or if she even wants to help.i just feel so alone and i cant tell her. i just dont know how to fix this in my head if i cant talk to her.i dont even know how i would start the conversation

i wonder if she would ever answer if i asked her right out how and why.last time i asked her a question she never answered it and it took everything i had to ask it.at that time i told myself i would never ask again.i dont know what ill do monday at all i would love to be aable to just talk to her and have her fix this but i know she wont answer my questions

i just want to tell her how much i wanted her to read the letter.to know what i was going through.
i dont think that she will answer

No, you shouldn't quit because you have no trust. That's the kind of thing people can learn in therapy. My T would tell you that I have a similiar problem.

Granite, I can tell you that when I read your posts that I want to help you... and I'm not even in a helping profession, I'm an Accountant! No WAY would I ever want to be a T. People drive me nuts. So I have a very very strong hunch that your T wants to help you, but you have trouble seeing it & trusting her.

I would tell her that getting the letter back in the mail made it harder for me to feel like I can talk to her.

these are amazing questions.i think it is amazing that you were able to ask them.i would love to know her answers and if she did answer

i do feel like this is my only choice.i find it hard to trust words.behaviors are easier to see and trust

Granite, I know you know how my relationship with my T is. I really do know that he likes me.

AND I also know that my T wouldn't pass that test. If I went in and told him I was leaving him for another T, he wouldn't try to stop me. He would DEFINITELY be alarmed and probably hurt, but my therapy is about me, always, and he would talk to me to see why I was wanting to change T's, etc. He would not say "No, Tree, please don't do it".

By giving T this "test", you're setting yourself up to be hurt. I don't want to see you be hurt.

Is there any other way you could tell her how you're feeling??

((((( granite )))))

I soooo relate to the urge of wanting to test T...but this is a very dangerous test - one that may not even give you the answers you're looking for. My T will not engage in manipulative behavior....He is helping me learn how to be more direct, asking for what I need.

And during those times when I want to never ever go back to therapy, I tell him I had one of my "I hate therapy and never want to go back" moments....and we try to figure out what's going on....what's causing me to react that way....and most importantly, what I need in that moment....

As much as I believe my T cares, if I were to discontinue seeing him, he will not come after me. He will not ask me to stay. He will honor my decision whether he likes it or not....and deal with his own feelings about it.

I know you're hurting, granite. I wish I could just give you a big hug right now....

A few days before this particular session I had left her a voicemail 'accusing' her of wanting to terminate me. She returned my call and left a message assuring me that she did not want to terminate and in fact thought termination was a bad idea.

The first question in which I asked what circumstance would cause her to terminate and she mentioned if I became physically violent towards her.

Each of the other questions where I also paused to see and hear her response, she replied "no" - that none of those things I listed would be cause for her to want to terminate.

She was very gentle and very empathic through the whole 'test'. I could feel her warmth and caring and I knew she knew how important her answers were. She is very understanding and very compassionate.

It was easily apparent and more so as the weeks passed that it was only my own dysfunctional interpretation that caused me to believe she wanted to terminate. Having such low self-esteem, I couldn't believe she would put up with me as she learned more and more how 'bad' I am. But she doesn't see me as bad and I now believe that she won't give up on me if I don't give up on me.

It was good that I was able to ask her those questions - otherwise I may have spent months worrying about it.

in all reality i want my T here i dont want to feel this way ever again it is way to much.i'm going to rant because i need to.the mother here triggering me bunches,my son being home and all my insecurities and stress he is putting me through.he got into an accident toninght no big deal but i aged 30 years in 20 min.all the panic ,holidays and a T that doesnt want to know about any of it untill my appointed time and then she will be gone again for the next 14 days because of another fing monday holiday.i just need her and she isnt here for me at all and i dont ever want to feel like i need her this much again

Oh I sooooo understand, granite. Having that need is SO scary and SO painful. I am with you on that, especially since my T is away on vacation now as well....I hate feeling needy, vulnerable and dependent. I would much rather not need anyone so that I can avoid feeling this kind of emotional despair. (((( HUGS ))))

If you could only tell her this granite, and then explain why you sent the letter, I think it would make a world of difference. You both need to come to some sort of a compromise on writng, emailing whatever, so you can vent so she knows what's happening, and that she can hear the words from you as well. I know it was the holidays, but, I wonder if you could've called her during this time.

I know it's scarey to admit to T that you really needed her during this time and you were feeling desperate and that's why you wrote, but I really believe it would be valuable for you to say and her to hear. maybe you could come up with a better way to deal with it in the future. Maybe she would accept a letter and read it during times of high stress when she's on vacation or something.

Is there anyway you and T can come up with a compromise? I hope you can granite. I just wish you could experience the good that comes from opening up to T and telling her how it makes you feel. EVERY time I do this- T surprises me and I really do ( for the most part) get 'rewarded' for expressing my needs to her.

granite, do you hate uncertainty in interactions? Do you need to know everything that might happen before you can move forward?

You can't fix this stuff in your head. There isn't any more room in there!! You have so much stuff stuffed in your head from all of these years. You have to get this stuff out. It is the only way to fix things. You cannot fix things in your head. You have to take them out and look at them outside of your head and you need your T's help in order to do this.

How are you feeling about things today granite?

Hi Granite!

My personal, uniformed view is that you have a great T and are just going through a bad patch.

You T has made some mistakes, and that is very disappointing. It shatters the fantasy that T is perfect, and that's not a fantasy anyone wants to let go of.

SPECULATION

This is a case of projection. You are angry with T but your subconscious is scared of that. So you've turned it around and decided that T is angry at you.

WARNING: THIS MIGHT HURT

You want to end the relationship but you don't want to accept responsibility for that. You'd much rather T made that decision for you.

At one point (quite early on) I talked to T about leaving. She said, "Maybe that's what you need to do. Maybe you need to punish me."

I didn't leave on that occasion.