I may never be the child, but I don't have to be the adult....

*** MAY TRIGGER ***

This really stuck with me after yesterday's session with T.

I was upset because my mom had some tests done and the doctors feel that a biopsy is necessary. I know my mom is scared and wants me to be there with her during procedures, tests, etc. Because my parents are deaf, I have always been there for significant issues, tests, procedures in order to interpret for them as well as be supportive, explain things more clearly, etc.

I was telling T how incredibly difficult it is to be in that position - to be the one to pass on bad news while suppressing any reaction that I may have. I had to tell my dad that he had congestive heart failure...that he had a heart attack...that he had to have certain procedures done....that his brother died, etc. And how heartwrenching it is for me to be in that position - and that I don't want to be in it with my mom. But I know I will.

T shared that I was immediately put in the role of taking care of my parents and that my feelings were always immediately buried...and that I am working on changing that role.

I was never the child. And I may never be the child, but I don't have to be the adult. Wow.

It's a foreign concept to me because I have been taking care of my parents since I was a very young child. My dad passed away almost 5 years ago, and I can't imagine not being there for my mom now.

I told T that I love my mom, and he said that I also need to love myself just as much. I told him that I don't.... T said that my mom has never taken my feelings into consideration...and it's true.

An example of that dawned on me today.....when I was about to give birth to my daughter, my mom asked me not to tell her when I'm in labor. She only wanted to know after the baby was born, because she didn't want to feel anxious, etc. about me going through labor. I totally understood that and was ok with it, even though it was a loss for me.

That really helped make total sense of T's comments. My mom made her feelings a priority, at my expense. And here I am, STILL making my mom a priority at my expense.



Also....when we were talking about my arsenal of rationalizations when I start to be really down on myself (like, I have a husband so I must be somewhat lovable, etc.)....and now being all alone (no husband, no job, no close friends), I don't have that arsenal anymore....T said that I have to find it from within now. I said it's not there. He said that I haven't found my voice yet....and that I am still hearing other people's voices.

I am just having such a hard time with that....I hope someday I will find my voice.....

Sounds like you are getting your voice, what with this realization! We have to learn these things since we were not taught them by our parents as we were growing up, and that takes time and effort. You are somewhat lovable because you are trying to help yourself understand this and find your voice. You are working for yourself.

Yes, it will be hard to learn to let your emotions show when you tell your Mom things; you love her and will be worried, too, if something bad is found in the testing. You have to share some of that with her, not "protect" her from her own feelings. You could help her grow up, share your learning in therapy with her and maybe she can become a better person too. It is never too late.

In my version of what I think you're experiencing, it occurred to me how good I am at censoring my own feelings in order to protect members of my family, and how much I still continue to do that. I have always instinctively known that I couldn't express certain emotions around my parents, so I stopped feeling them.

What's different for me now is that some of the time, and I'm working on making it more of the time, is that I realize I'm suppressing things automatically. For me, it's okay if I suppress things for my own purposes (as opposed to a reflexive reaction), but I prefer to check in with myself and make sure that my reason is legitimate and that I'm fine with doing it. So I'm working towards trying to not sacrifice my own feelings for my parents'.

It sounds to me that this was a painful way to grow up, and still a pretty painful place to be with respect to your role with your mother. Especially because you are a mother now, and certainly motherhood is often times an exercise (appropriately) in managing your emotions for your child's sake. Then to have to turn around and mother your own mother, especially in the context of a medical crisis, that sounds depleting. But for you to recognize this issue is a huge big deal, and it seems that you are on your way to coming to a more peaceful place with it.

Anne

a suggestion...about your mom...& tests

i had to do this with my mom who was impaired...at one point i was in over my head with caring for her so i just let the hospital find someone to accompany her to things..because she needed one...they will find a sign language interpreter for her, no? as part of an accommodation if you can not make it...

it may not be to your mother's liking &she'll probably let everyone know but will put some power in your hands...this way you get to not be the one always delivering bad news, doing the comforting, etc...

it lets you say..no i can't do it today...just for today...it's a baby step...but i know these tin y baby steps kept me somewhat sane

you probably have thought of this but i figured i'd lob it out there...it would be hard to try it & there would be angry & hurt feelings at first but sometimes you have to have your life at times...i used to tell people...even prisoners get time off for good behavior...


good luck

I am saying this as someone who worked one-on-one with deaf individuals with developmental disabilities and was often asked to interpret in medical situations....I now live with my own deafness.

Please request an interpreter. If you are in the US, the ADA requires that medical offices and facilities accommodate the deaf by providing interpreters, if requested. You really should *not* be serving as an interpreter in these situations for exactly the reasons you described. Have the terp there to do what they do - terp, and you focus on being the daughter and providing the emotional support. What some medical offices don't realize is that having family members interpret in situations like these can actually be a liability.

WOW, these realizations ARE HUGE MUE...................

My mom has someone that works with our church who she knows would be willing to accompany her to her medical appointments when I am back at work...but she prefers me. And I just have such a hard time letting her down like that.

I guess I still have some significant work to do with relationship enabling....Having a new job is a good enough reason...but to alleviate my distress and take care of ME apparently isn't enough for me at the moment. *sigh*

Blech.

(((((((MUE)))))))

This sounds like a really big realization. Being able to see what's wrong is the first step in being able to make it right, or to heal from the damage it's caused. Even if you don't make any decisions right now about whether or not to continue interpreting for your mom, just knowing what you know now is empowering.
to you

Wonderful insight!