Male T vs Female T

I have found female therapists to be straight forward and direct. I probably have more mother things going on than father ones, but I still cannot picture dealing with a man.

I used to have an opinion on this issue, but not anymore. I've come to the conclusion that the best therapist for anyone, is the therapist that works for them.

I agree. I certainly would not tell anyone else what gender their therapist should be.

I never wanted a male T. I just didn't see how I could possibly open up to a man. After 4 (non-NHS) female Ts, I got assigned a male T (community psychiatric nurse) on the NHS (so I had no say in the matter). I was dreading the first appointment. However, to his credit, he has made me feel completely safe right from the beginning and I've had no problem talking to him (other than the general T-talking problem!) So now I don't think you can judge based on gender - I think it's more to do with the relationship.

*Willow*

.........the best therapist for anyone, is the therapist that works for them
erm..................................
That was never the point you know, I was just wondering whether it was a factor for you when you made your decision.

For me, it was.
If so for you, then so.
If not for you, then not.

sheesh.........

Since most of my Ts were not my choice, I've worked with both male and female Ts. Most of them I didn't have a problem with, so I don't see it as a factor for me.

I think I am avoiding my anger by seeing a male T. The post I deleted earlier (of course) was about my 2 best friends and how THEY would get angry at ME for my comments about my mother, so how can I see a female T, she would get even more upset. Not ME, of course, no... phooey.

I've always chosen a woman. Not sure why.

I think I feel less threatened by a woman and more entitled to have feelings.

Okay. Just reflecting on my own experiences there and I can certainly see how that would come across as glib. Sorry for that. It was not my intent at all.

For me, it really wasn't a consideration. I only knew that I wanted a psychiatrist that also did psychotherapy. I wanted this for two reasons - (1) I wanted the same doc that did my therapy to handle my meds and (2) I did not want to have 2 bills.

Thus, my options were limited. First I went to a female. Her office was filled with teddy bears - I mean almost to the ceiling. All of which were pointed right at me. I got a little creeped out, although she seemed nice enough.

The next, and only other choice, was a male. He was just a really good guy from day 1.

As it turns out, my problems were not gender specific, but human specific.

Again, sorry for any mis-step on my part.

After reading your posts for sometime, I can almost guarantee our reactions to things are going to be polar opposite lol ... I ran to a woman because of mommy and you ran from a woman because of mommy. But I do envision someday after this is all done, seeing a male to hash the daddy thing out.

[QUOTE=LolaCabanna;2188375]After reading your posts for sometime, I can almost guarantee our reactions to things are going to be polar opposite lol ... I ran to a woman because of mommy and you ran from a woman because of mommy."

But I do go to a t who is a woman.
That whacky unconcious self.

This is something that I am quite worried about as I am going to be refered to a therapist, I would hate it if I was to have a male therapist as I have trust issues with men, I am hoping I get a female, Don't think I could talk or trust a male.

I think you are both right, lola and stopdog. dog isn't bonding with her female T, she is demonstrating anger, which is what I said I feared would happen with a female T.

Actually the crazy part for me is I AM bonded in some weirdo way to the t. (The t thinks I am more attached to her than I think I am - but still...) (and very angry).

in my opinion, I don't see any mis step or anything you need to be sorry for. I appreciate that this can be an open forum where people say how it is for them in all kinds of different ways. I value that each individual who writes a post gets to decide what to say, nobody else has that right.

Best, Anne

THAT'S what i'm afraid of! ie that's exactly it. But thinking about it now: I was very afraid of my mother, so that's what connected me to her. When my fear of her decreased enough so that I could break the connection "temporarily" (actually I was having panic attacks and trouble breathing, so a different fear was actually escalating, fear for my life?), it now seems to me there was no connection between us other than the fear. In 2004, she came to this T with me for one session. He asked her, "hasn't hankster been a good daughter to you?" She said, "Daaaw-terrr?" like it was a word she'd never heard before. (I swear she sounded like Jabba the Hutt.) T didn't catch it, and it took me a while to put the rest of "my story" together. But that was my first clue to understanding why "my turn" never came, why I would be waiting forever for them.

Transference is so weird huh? Who were you angry at that you needed attention from, or got attention from in the form of antagonist ? Sounds like you were afraid to trust them.

i've thought a lot about this of of late.... whether a female or male would be better for me as a whole. and i can't say either way. i think the female's can have their bonuses but then again, they can also have their minuses because of my issues w/ women and especially, the ones w/ my MOTHER. as far as the male's...i worry i'd be manipulative and my father issues would overrule me or become love addicted or something...or withhold certain parts about sexual stuff or something but i dunno...sometimes i feel maybe a man would be better for me. i don't feel enraged when i think about my father like i do w/ my mother. so i dunno. no answer for you...just kinda toying still w/ the idea myself.....................maybe it just depends on the person...not the gender, when it all comes down to it for me...

I have one, too! My T is a male and is the most compassionate, empathetic and nurturing people I have ever met.

At the time I started therapy [with my current T], I was not looking for someone with any specific criteria. I was just looking for someone and he was the first person we were referred to. When I began seeing him, I actually questioned multiple times if I should switch to a female T, as everyone -- family, friends, etc -- kept telling me that "women need women" and that, given my history with my father (emotionally absent, abusive, etc), I would do best with one. Though it took me awhile to open up to T (about a year), however, he has been perfect for me, has saved my life in more ways than one and has become a father figure to me -- something that has entirely changed my attachment patterns (disorganized/insecure --> mostly secure) and allowed me to have better relationships.

Retrospectively, I now realize that, not only would I have never been able to become comfortable with a female T, I would not have been able to progress as much as I have. Reasons being:

1) Impulse to "parent": My mother suffered from anxiety, PTSD, depression and borderline traits all through my childhood. As a consequence, I was very much the parent to her, instead of the other way around. A woman who reminded me of my mother would have been hard to open to, as I would have felt the need to "protect" her and the avoidance of talking about emotional things would have been stronger. On the other hand, though my father was abusive, he was mostly absent -- I was looking desperately for someone to fill that gaping hole and, as such, attached easily to a male, even if it took awhile to fully trust he was not going to abandon me.

2) Attachment Patterns: Most of my attachment issues center around the chaos caused by my father's drug addiction in my early life pre-divorce. My attachment patterns are now much more secure from being able to form an attachment with a male figure and, as a result, I relate to people better and regulate my emotions better.

I have also noticed that I have also felt more comfortable and been more drawn to male primary care physicians, professors/teachers, etc. I am also drawn to men in their late 40s/50s/early 60s -- once again, my theory being that I am trying to find a replacement for my Dad.

Ah. Yes. Humans.

Say no more.

I guess then I don't understand why you commented on what I decided to write in my previous post.

Another great thread, for whatever my opinion is worth. I have never run across a group of people such as those on Psych Central, for being so self-aware -- and sometimes make me smile!

Interesting. I suspect that if you had tried to "mother" a female T, she would have spotted it pretty quick and you would have worked it through together.

I am not sure what is better...
First I had a female therapist. It took me a while to get used to her and open up but eventually it felt really comforting. She had this nurturing warmth of a mother towards the end. It is something were I felt safe and comfortable with.
Now I am with a male therapist. It is different. In some ways I find him to be typical male. In some ways they are totally different because they are such different people. What I like especially about him is that he seems much opener than my female T. He just comes across to be more "real" to me. But I also notice that my issues are bigger with man which is no surprise ... my abusers were male and on top of that several abusive relationships, a stalker, being robbed all by male and my dad is more the absent type who told me how useless I was.
So in a lot of ways he sometimes triggers hell out of me by just being there and me trying to learn to trust him.
And that is one of the reasons I think it might be better for me to be with a male. Maybe a harder time at the beginning but a safe place to practice trust in men again.

But in the end I do believe that the individual personality of the T is the most important. Regardless of the gender.

And I'm confused about what you mean here. I thought I said that I didn't think you needed to apologize for what you wrote.

Anne