[granite1]

she asked if i had brought the letter to read to her .at first i said no and she asked why. all i could say was that it didn't matter anymore. she said it did so,and about after 20 min or more of silence i said i had wanted her to read the letter then and not now i wanted her to know what was going on then not 20 days later.she said that it was already days after when she got the letter and if i really wanted her to know what was going on that i should have called her so that she could have been able to help mei cant talk ,calling just doesn't work she should know this.she then talked a lot about why she didn't read the letter.i can only remember parts of it i think i checked out a lot and it was hard to make a lot of sense of what she was saying.so it is kind of mixed up here and I'm sorry if it makes no sense

she said what i had to say in the letter was very important to her but just having her read it was of no help to me.that i needed to be able to see that all the horribleness that was in the letter was OK with her,that the anger at her was OK and that my feelings were OK and that she can handle it.that the reason i am not getting better is because i am not talking and dealing with this stuff head on and that this needs to happen .she said we need to deal with it together not just with her alone in her office reading a letter.that all the feelings and horribleness in this letter are OK and it is OK for me to feel this and that i need to see that it can be said in the open not in the secrecy of a letter.that i am not so bad ,and the feeling are not so horrible that the can only be said in a letter and that i need to see that .that i will be OK.she said it isn't helpful to me at all if she allows me to keep all this so horrible that it can only be spoken in a letter.that it doesn't need to be this way any more.she said a bunch of other stuff i know but it is all mixed up and i kind of lost it in all the crap in my head.

after all she said she said we had a few min left and that i should take out the letter and just start reading it..how did she know i had the letter.she said she know that it was really hard and painful but that she knew i could do it. god it was so so so hard.she asked me to start by just reading the first sentence and i did she then said OK now just read the second and i did she said keep going and i did.i was able to read the first few paragraphs of the letter but when i got to the stuff about the anger panic and stuff i just couldn't read any more.as it was i had to keep stopping because i was getting all messed up in my head.(I must have looked and sounded ridiculous to her)

she then talked about what i was able to read and about.she said she may have forgotten to tell me about her not being here and she knows how hard it is to do therapy with there being so many breaks.she said she knows that it is important that she not become one of all these horrible people that i think are in my life.that she hopes that i will be able to see that she isn't perfect and that she doe's make mistakes and that doesn't make her horrible at all and that she hopes that i will be able to talk these things out when she makes a mistake deal with it and move on with the T.i know she said so much more but i don't remember maybe i will and write more . she wants me to bring the letter back in 2 weeks so we can finish reading it.i hold no promises

my feelings about all this are mixed but i think i am OK. i am just so angry and scared about everything. i kind of understand better about why she wants me to read the letters and all but it is really mixed up in my head and i may loose it but for now it is OK.she seemed to care and was actually believable today.i so wish i could trust it.

[granite1]

oh i forgot before she started responding to what i read my T said she was really really proud of what i was able to read
it is the few times i was able to read it by myself without my T reading most of it if not all of it

[rainbow_rose]

this is amazing, granite!

i have yet to read anything I've written to my therapist. I really like what your therapist said about why it is important for you to read the letter. I think that applies to me too.

((((safe hugs))))

p.s. you inspire me, granite.

[unaluna]

totally cool. you must have like a photographic memory, you are really good at reporting back what was said in session, even as you are under so much stress, or maybe that's why, idk. probably not so good to have that ability in other ways, because we remember all the cruddy stuff that was ever said to us too.

edited: but yeah, what rrose said - so powerful! she explained it so well! why it helps to be there with her doing it.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

totally cool. you must have like a photographic memory, you are really good at reporting back what was said in session, even as you are under so much stress, or maybe that's why, idk. probably not so good to have that ability in other ways, because we remember all the cruddy stuff that was ever said to us too.

edited: but yeah, what rrose said - so powerful! she explained it so well! why it helps to be there with her doing it.

omg i have a horrible memory.mt T said so much more that is just mixed up in my head and i cant make a lot out pf it .i hate that because i know what she must have said was helpfull.

[unaluna]

well what you wrote here was really really good. you know I don't bs (anymore!).

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

well what you wrote here was really really good. you know I don't bs (anymore!).

thanks. i just wish i could remember more

[TayQuincy]

Wow granite! I am proud of you too!

[skysblue]

I am so so happy that you were able to find the courage to read parts of the letter. Way to go!!!!!!!!

[Chopin99]

Granite, I admire your courageousness. You are certainly on a road to healing (and much stronger than you give yourself credit for)!

[roads]

me too, granite. ** gentle hugs so proud **

Roadrunner

[pbutton]

Granite I am so happy for you That is a wonderful accomplishment. Thank you for sharing it with us.

You have inspired me. I know I need to talk to my T about things I emailed to him. I am going to remember your strength as I walk into the room Thursday.

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by granite1

oh i forgot before she started responding to what i read my T said she was really really proud of what i was able to read
it is the few times i was able to read it by myself without my T reading most of it if not all of it

Hang on to the positive here. If you're like me you might start enlarging the parts that might not have felt good or you might forget this good part. My T even asked me once when I was feeling positive, "But, Skysblue, will you remember this or will you change its meaning?"

But you've got us here. We'll remind you,

I think this was a huge step for you! So glad you found the strength to read it. So next time it will be just a little bit easier, and then easier, .... and so the healing progresses. Kudos! I'm really really happy for you.

[googley]

that is so awesome and amazing granite. You made such a huge step forward and should be so proud of yourself. I know when I have a major breakthrough or I have a repair from a rupture that seems really significant, I will take the post I wrote about it in and PM it to myself. That way if I have a day where I am feeling bad I can come back and read it and know that it was okay and the high points. Or when I am depressed I can read about the times I was feeling worse. Do you think you could do this with your Post so you can remember today? I have a special folder I put it in so that I can find them really easily. And it especially helps since I was the one who wrote it, so I know what it says is true when I don't feel like I can believe what others are saying.

That is so wonderful to hear about your breakthrough.

[stopdog]

It sounds like you have a lot to be proud of today.

[velcro003]

GRANITE!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!

True story: I clicked on this forum and saw your thread title and said (out loud, mind you) Oh my god...granite did it!!! And I realized I was grinning

I don't even have words for how happy I am for you, and to hear back that T IS a great therapist. The reasons she told you to bring it in and read it are exactly why my T does the same thing. But i hope you hold onto all this good stuff. She said that your feelings are OK, because they ARE! That you CAN get angry at her, or spew out all your "horribleness" and she can take it.

You made a giant leap forward, and its ok if you can't see it now. You've been slowly progressing over these months (i follow your story..hehe), but today...oh man! I hope all those pocket riders helped.

Thanks for making my night.

[yang0868]

Good job Granite. I must say that I think you have a wonderful T. I encourge you to embrace your relationship with her. It sounds like she has your best interest in mind. She can't help if you don't let her in. I know it's easier said than done but I believe you can do it because you were able to read her the letter. That's HUGE progress!!!!! Good for you.

[karebear1]

Well look at you little miss granite! You are so awesome!! I'll bet you can't believe you did that can you?

I, like Velcro, am sitting here with a big grin on my face , so happy for you and your victory today. I hope you can remember more and remember the good feelings and the support, concern and love T showed you today. It's one of those huge experiences that hopefully stay with us and help us to move forward to a better place.

I'm proud granite. So, so proud!!!!

[rainbow8]

granite, I too started smiling when I saw your title!!!! I am very proud of you and happy!! You did it!!! Your T helped you like I always wished she would. Line by line, and she encouraged you to do it. But YOU are the one who took the risk to read some of the letter.

Let's have a party and get some more popcorn if we finished it all in your pocket!!!

What a wonderful session you had, Granite! I am so proud of you for reading part of your letter. That's HUGE! Your T seems to really care and understand what you need. (Sometimes we think our T's don't know what we need, but more often than not, they have a clearer idea of our needs than we do ourselves.)

As far as not remembering everything goes, that is COMPLETELY normal. You actually remembered a great deal of what went on and what she said. That's fantastic.

Great work! You know. You might consider printing off your post and keeping it where you can look at it from time to time. It's easy to forget the positives if we don't actively make an effort to do so. Really proud of you.

[confuseduk]

Granite, that is fantastic! I'm so glad you took the letter with you and we're able to read some of it, that must have been very hard but you did it! that's real progress, keep up the good work. T was very proud of you and hopefully you can move forward now we're very proud of you too wow

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

oh i forgot before she started responding to what i read my T said she was really really proud of what i was able to read
it is the few times i was able to read it by myself without my T reading most of it if not all of it

Yay! Good for you!

I'm glad your T is not such a jerk after all.
I guess even good Ts make stupid hurtful boneheaded mistakes sometimes.

[Nightlight]

You did something amazing! Reading out what you did is a HUGE thing! I'm really glad your T gave the reasons she did for not reading your letter sitting tucked away in her office on her own, because I would have felt dreadful if my T returned a letter like that to me. I would have seriously considered not returning, though I hope I'd give it just the one chance and at the very least return for an explanation.

Go you! Seriously! I've always struggled to access my feelings while I'm in with T and I often take in things for her to read and it's so hard just to sit there while T reads them.... let alone say any of it out loud!

It sounds like your T REALLY wants to help you. I bet she was proud!

[Unrigged64072835]

Good job Granite!!