i read some of the letter

thank you TAY

thank you it was really scary and i was so convinced i was not going to do it

thanks i dont feel very courageous at all i hope some day reading a letter wont be such an earth moveing event but right now it truely does

thank you
i do and hope i can feel good about it untill i see her again

you did great!!!! now get some rest!

i will so jump in your pocket.i know how hard it is and i wish you didn't understand so well .i did feel a little bit better about my T when i let her respond to what i said

i hope so because i can guarente i will so need reminding.this happens a lot with me . at this point i havn't turned anything bad.she really hasn't done anything i can turn bad .but i am loosing what she said it is hard to remember and to seperate it all out from the mess that is in my head.i wish i could hold on longer then i do but it is hard.yesterday i was so tired that i wasnt able to wwrite as soon as i was home.i slept so lost a lot of understanding of what was said

thanks,i hope i will be able to finish it in two weeks

i think this is a good idea at least then i can remember some of what she said.this morning i am finding myself a bit sad because i am already loosing a lot of being able to understand what she said but rereading this all helps

believe me all you guys here are a lot of the reason i was able to do this.knowing how many of you were cheering for me.
i hate feeling the way i have been feeling but it has been getting better now that the mother is gone home and my son is safely checked into his training.

she scares me sometimes. i know it is because she cares that sometimes she pushes me so hard but it is so hard to see at the time.her sending that letter back hurt so bad .she was able to make me feel ok about it though and that was good

thanks.you are right i can't believe i accually read so much of that letter.i really had no intentions of ever reading any of it. i must admit my T has a way of getting what she wants when she feels it is nessisary.i hope i can learn to do that someday.

Just wanted to add my congratulations. I'm so, SO happy for you. This is great!

thanks rain i dont think i could have done it if she hadnt just broke it down line by line .that really did help.it didn't seem so overwelming for a while.i never thought to look at it by one line at a time.she really made me feel ok if i could just read that one line and worry about the next if the time came.i do feel good about it

BTW i am still cleaning popcorn out of my pockets.pizza and soda the next time

thanks chris .i think i will print off my post it is a good idea. some times my T can seem so mean and other times so supportive.it is hard to remember sometimes that she is in my corner especially when i am seeing her as the meanest person on earth.today i don't see her as mean but just a person.

thanks.i don't know how she knew i had the letter but she did.i hope i will be able to finish it next session

thank you she did admit that she may have forgot to tell me about the days off when the holidays fall on sunday.god what a rip off now not only do i miss out on monday holidays i also miss out if it is a sunday holiday.i sure will remember next time.i knew about this comming mondays.and didn't give her a problem at all about it.

i guess i never looked at it as her not being able to help me or reading it alone would affect her in any way.i just wanted her to know what was going on i really didn't expect her to be able to do anything about it.i think reading it i was only terrified and that was it no other feelings because there was no room for anything else.i wish i wasnt because i could then remember the stuff she had to say.

believe it or not yesterday i got home and fell asleep for 2 hrs i was so tired.it made me mad because i couldnt write down everything T said and i missed a lot of it.
thanks bunches

i woke up a bunch lastnight thinking about things (No surprise)today i am just drained .i kind of have really lost a lot of what my T had said.i know i can read what i wrote her and am going to but she said so much more that i just cant remember or make any sence out of.it is like it is broken words in my head.does this happen to anyone else.things just get mixed up.one thing i do still have is the feeling i got from the session and that is ok.these are some of the feelings i think
shame,terror,sick,angry,and a feeling of things being ok with my T .not so alone.that maybe she does care and has a plan and and it isn't malisious intentions.today i feel a little more grounded then i have felt in weeks.like i will be able to survive her being gone again for another 14 days.

Sometimes I leave a session and can't remember a single stinkin' thing he said. That is really is more common than you may realize.

Rather than worry about what you don't remember, focus on what you do remember, and you remember A LOT. You really do. I'm really impressed at your recall because you've had many sessions where you remembered only what you THOUGHT your T was thinking and nothing of what she actually said. This is a VAST improvement. Good work.

Granite, it's all in there, even if you can't find it at the moment. Let yourself settle down some, the processing will go on regardless. I hope you can rest in the knowledge that you DID WELL yesterday, you really did.

((((( granite ))))))

I am so happy that you had such a productive session with T and was able to hear and understand what the purpose was behind her not reading the letter....and for you to be able to start to read it to her...just WOW.

I totally understand the feeling of everything being jumbled up in my head when it comes to T....I also make a habit of fixating on one or two things...and then reading too much into it....ACK!

Also, as far as feeling shame, etc. about ourselves....one thing I have learned - although I still have to remind myself at times - is that when I share something that I feel is ugly about myself, T's reaction is usually WAY different than what I would expect. He is less focused on the content and more focused on what's happening between us in the room - and for me to share an intimate part of myself in that way helps him feel that we are more connected, that I trust him, that I was brave, etc.

((( HUGS )))

Aren't you glad you wrote down what you did remember in this post?

I'm learning from you granite! Maybe it would be helpful if I did the same? It's just so hard for me to say my things because I just don't think anyone would really care, and, I think acknowledging my stuff is hard for me t do as well.

Soda can be very messy ..... and sticky granite.......... how about something like a juice box? that way, if we spill our drinks from the partying we're doing because you're doing so awesome, just little drops will escape instead of a whole can of soda being spilled?

Good! Do whatever you can to hold onto that feeling! If you can keep that feeling with you, you'll be good to go- yes?? Often, for me, it is the feeling I hold onto and not so much the words (although, I'm not sure T would say that).

Your T definetly cares granite.

Granite,
What a HUGE accomplishment! I love the way your T handled it, and I love the way you trusted her as best as you could and read the letter. I'm SO impressed, keep up the good work!

one thing i did say to her that started the conversation was that she was talking to me about what i have to say and feel is very important so i blurted out not important enough to read it.
she then said so this is the trap you put me in? when you sent me this letter that it is like you are just taking everything you feel is to horrable to communicate exsept for in private unspoken letters and just throwing it at me to deal with. because i feel it is to horrible to say i want her to deal with it.and that doesn't work and the we need to be able to talk and deal with this .that i need to see that it can be spoken and that i will be ok in doing it.i had forgotten she said it felt like a trap that kind of stung .i guess i didn't think of it in those terms because i didn't expect to talk or deal with it at all.i didn't really want her to have a responce.i just wanted her to know.i guess it was kind of a no win situation for her if i am not willing to talk to her about it.i guess it could look like i was just dumping it all on her.

Man, Granite - you are one wise woman. Your insights are astounding. I am very impressed.

((((Granite!))))
I am so proud of you and so inspired by you! You read the letter, and you managed to maintain your feelings while waiting so many days to do this. I always look forward to reading your posts because I am able to see the great progress you are making. Like others, I am inspired and able to go on knowing that you are making such great strides.

Thank you for being so strong!
Bluemountains