validating helplessness

All,

I've noticed that the more needy and broken I appear on this forum, the more attention I attract, and the more I step into my own power and report my successes in therapy and life, the more I am ignored.

Which leaves me feeling like leaving. Which I will not do, because that is my pattern, but I thought it was worth noting this phenomenon. Of course, that fact that I'm noting this at all is probably more evidence of my neediness!

Perhaps I am wrong about the first part of this, and if so, sometimes it's great to be wrong.

Just wondering.

MCL

Maybe it's simply because people think that those who are going through a rough time need more support? For the most part, I think that's accurate. But I also think that successes should be acknowledged, because they're important too!

I actually prefer to respond to positive posts...and I usually only respond to the "negative" ones if I actually feel like I can provide some sort of advice that will be listened to. For those who are venting or saying horrible things about themselves...I just don't know what to say. =/ I don't know how to help. I see that a lot of reassurance happens on these boards, and yet it doesn't seem to help because these negative posts are made repeatedly. So I avoid these types of threads. But as you have no doubt noticed, lots of members go to these boards and offer reassurance. Can we blame them? This is a supportive forum, after all. Does it help? Only the original poster of the thread could honestly answer that question.

Personally, I think more positive input/advice should be given, and less hugs/reassurance. (Unless, of course, the person specifically asks for hugs. In that case, I think hugs can be a very positive thing if asked on occasion. I too, have asked for hugs in the past. It can be very helpful during a time where we just want to know people care.)

I lot of codependent behaviour acted out here, but then you have to think about the nature of the board. I post on another board that's dedicated to therapy and it is a more satisfying experience, not so much codependent behaviour displayed.

Thanks....I really appreciate hearing from you!

i agree that it's a supportive forum and I like that and it's not that I've never needed support (and will continue to) however, I've noticed that when I've described steps forward, the silence seems deafening. Perhaps I'm filling in, but there are times when I think that if meltdown happens, people validate that, to the point of codependency, which I believe mirrors their relationships with therapists, but I won't EVEN go there.

I appreciate hearing from you!

That's an interesting point mcl6136 - I actually like to read the positive posts as it is great to hear about peoples progress, both knowing that they are doing well, but also in terms of inspiring me with hope.

But maybe when people are really struggling it is more difficult to give praise to others? Maybe we become more introspective when we are not doing so well and then just focus on posts that we can relate to right then and there. Is this codependency? Maybe, I just have never got my head around that term before.

It's great that you are noticing progress though and maybe even contemplating leaving is progress???

I joined another site when I was really low and it was helpful while I was there, but as my mood lifted I realised I just didn't fit there anymore. Although I todl myself regardless, it was good to be there to support others, I knew it was too soon for me to do that, as there was a risk of it pulling me down again...and so I did leave.

Soup

Just so we're clear I am not at all clear on what co-dependency is!

Thanks for your post...lots to think about !

I'm not so sure about people ignoring the positive posts; for every one that gets read, congratulatory PM could be sent that the forum never sees. On the other hand, when people are hurting, wanting information or help, many are quick to lend that support, and isn't that what PC is for?

I do think that is what it's for...but might it also be for success and progress and growth....in equal measure?

Thank you for your feedback, SAWE!

Just so's we're clear, I've certainly had my share of meltdowns and gotten lots of support, which I totally needed.

one of the things I value PC for most, is the breadth of opinion you find; there are so many people, with so many experiences. It is SO helpful. I don't think that "helplessness" is being validated, I think a lot of people who have been through their own pain are now finding a lot of compassion to help another,and that is so wonderful.

((((( mcl6136 )))))

I noticed that trend too. Some people seem to think that other's well being is invalidating to their own troubles.............. especially if the road to well being is outside of the territory of mainstream treatment, or if the person is somehow determined to keep some of their insanity and use it for good.

But yeah, I think too many realize that making threats to self-harm or devalidating themselves as way of fishing compliments works..... and they keep on that track.

i agree...and need that support. I just don't want to feel lonely when I succeed!

You make a good point, and I think the key word here is "needy." To me the most difficult posts to reply to are the ones that make a statement. If it is positive, about all I can think of to do is offer a verbal pat on the back. I don't feel the poster needs anything from me. A negative statement, like "I'm having a bad day" is also difficult to reply to. But there is an implied neediness that makes me think that offering a verbal hug might help.

I think the most interesting threads are when someone is looking for opinions, or feedback, or asking other people to share experiences. A statement post is just not that easy to reply to - at least for me.

But I sure understand that positive reinforcement is really nice to hear when it's offered!

very intriguing!!!!

This is my perception as well, mcl. I think the more needy and troubled we are, the more likely we are to attract responses. Of course, this is understandable in the sense that when we are noticeably struggling, we really need the support and feedback. However, it can also be troubling to be doing well and making progress and NOT get that support and re-assurance. If we're not getting positive affirmation for our success, then what is there to keep us on that path? This actually reminds me of the relationship siblings have with their parents. The kid that is constantly screwing up gets all of the attention, while the kid who is working hard and staying out of trouble doesn't get that attention or recognition. The main difference is that, unlike a parental relationship, there is no "duty" on the part of PC posters to provide support or feedback for anyone, for any reason. It's solely a volunteer operation. Thus, the threads that are the most "interesting" tend to attract the most attention. While what is considered interesting is different for each person, often crisis, helplessness, repeated patterns, and distorted thinking tend to spark the most interest (or, looked at another way, spark the most desire for one to be helpful).

For me personally, I tend to respond to the threads with which I can most relate and/or which solicit personal anecdotes, opinions, or feedback. So, I am much like TheBunnyWithin on this front. However, as others have pointed out, I think that by responding the same way, over and over, to posters who post about the same issues and patterns, we are engaging in co-dependent relationships (which, yes, do sometimes mirror the co-dependent relationship one might have with T). It probably would be healthier to put more attention on acknowledging healthy and successful behavior and avoid co-dependently becoming a part of self-destructive patterns of behavior. But, of course, who is to say which is which? Often, there is a fine line between doing the hard work of acknowledging the experiences/trauma we've gone through and sharing our emotions (with T, PC and IRL) in order to work through them (which can lead to breakdown, distress, etc) and engaging in unhealthy, repetitive patterns of behavior which lead to breakdown and distress. As a poster myself, my own pet peeve is that I sometimes want to shout "not everything is progress" when I read comments! This is MY issue-- MY trigger-- but I feel strongly that, sometimes, indulging in our emotions, calling/e-mailing T, and writing novels about how T's actions make us feel is NOT productive and not a vehicle for making progress-- sometimes it is a means of engaging in self-pity and childlike behavior which is preventing us from getting healthy. But that is just how I feel.

It seems, mcl, that what you're looking for is more acknowledgement and support for you and others who post about their milestones and successes. Your point is well taken. As a poster, I will keep that in mind!!!

I respond to threads of people that I have developed relationships with here. I develop relationships with people who respond back to me when I post in their threads. Other then that I read titles and pick the ones that interest me. There is no way that I can read and respond to every post here. I simply don't have the time. I have to pick and choose. I congratulate a lot here.

WOW why do reading these responses make me feel like i have done something horribly wrong and want to say I'm sorry for posting.

MCL i love to read posts about positive stuff and i am sorry if i have missed yours i will go look for them .you do make a valid point and i for one love to have positive stuff acknowledged,but i guess it depends on your definition of positive and progress.something i may see as progress others may see as co dependency or something i guess.sorry.i will look for more positive posts also.point taken

I tend to hit "thanks" on positive posts...because I AM grateful that they are being shared. I love reading about successes and growth

I am much more likely to write a long reply to someone who is struggling, if only to share that I may have shared a similar struggle, and that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

I totally get what you're saying, though, mcl!

I think that many people come here for social support because they are having difficulty, so people can relate and identify with the trials and tribulations of therapy. I do hear what you are saying, but I always congratulate people with whom I usually interact on PC. I don't think that posting and asking for help is always due to helplessness, and therefore, I don't see the corresponding replies as validating maladaptive behaviors. I'm sure it happens at times. Thanks for your post

insightful post. i agree with you ... but also, it seems to be so much more activity here lately, posts can get pushed down so quickly. it doesn't feel good when your post gets lost in the fray. but that's the nature of the forum i'm working to learn to accept. i don't wanna leave ... but I don't start new threads as often.

on a more positive note, i do enjoy offering support when i feel i have something to contribute, even if it's only a hug - i do learn from that and maybe i do actually help on occasion. (i utilize the 'thanks' button a lot! )

i was thinking about your post about how well your therapy went yesterday mcl. I just hit thanks 'cuz I was feeling a little unenergetic, but it was on my mind I was glad it went well. I actually just saw the post again before I saw this one tonight and I replied to the other one. I thought it was great you told your t something you were uncomfortable about. It might not seem like telling him that date wrong is a big deal to most people, but there are a ton of things that don't seem like a big deal that are difficult/awkward for me to tell my t, so I admired you for doing it.

That's a pretty harsh thing to say.

I DETEST that phrase. Anytime I needed or wanted any sort of validation from my mother, the response was ALWAYS you're just fishing for compliments. I could be absolutely dying inside and desperate for any shred of affection and what I got was you're fishing for compliments. Having a total rage response to this. Trying really hard not to use nasty language.

I agree with Sannah. I am most likely going to read threads of people that I have developed relationships with here. But I have seen threads from people that tell of their progress and they get many congratulatory responses and sometimes when those same people hit a low they get about the same number of support responses. So I don't think you are necessarily correct. But those are people who have developed relationships on this forum.

I have a few relationships on this forum and I read and respond to those peoples posts with care and interest and congratulations and support, equally.

I think I don't know what to say other than great or good job when there is a simple report of today went well. But I think it may be my failure of imagination rather than any intent to ignore. Sometimes I have trouble responding to threads because I simply do not know what to say when the experience is so unlike mine or I simply do not understand what the OP means and I am afraid of sounding cold or harsh when that would not be my intent.