[Chloe2]

Over the past few days Ive really had a chance to think about things and basically, I need to vent.

I like my therapist a lot, I wish I could have more of him as in a friend, but for what I can get I am appreciative.

I think I am quicker than he is, this bothers me as I am always figuring out things ahead of him, it seems. But we get along well

I don't feel I have made much progress, Im frustrated by this, but I have covered a lot of baggage. But, does that really matter? I'm not sure its put me ahead in any way.

I am comforted at the arms length support my t provides me. But at times I am frustrated at the arms length, not enough to drive me nuts, just enough to make me sad at times. Beneficial?

I depend on my t emotionally, I run everything by him. This is helpful, but he never gives enough answers. He never really gives an answer. I like answers.

I feel like my t doesn't know how to help me some times, maybe lack of training/experience. I wish I felt more confident in him.

So, is therapy helping me? I don't know. The less I see him, the more productive I am in my life, sometimes, not always. The more I see him, the more he is my life. Chicken or the egg...

I want my t to be more directive, I want him to be more structured, more motivating. What I have right now is a man who will let me talk about whatever I want but never really takes me anywhere. I could vent to my friends and family, but I vent to him and he seems interested. But is that what therapy is?

So all these months of sitting in a room with a man who I enjoy as a person, I question his skill in certain areas, ie phobias, but he is someone I want to see. I have made what I feel is no progress, and he acknowledges this to an extent.

This therapy experience feels like some self indulgent vent fest recently not initially. and that is ok. But I don't think I want to continue down this road. Is it me or him? I will speak to him.

What I have concluded is that my therapist can and has been helpful to me, but that he may not be the one to help me move on. he may have been a step in the right direction but maybe I need someone else. I think maybe his approach and my needs clash right now. But I want to keep seeing him. What do you do in this situation?

Does anyone relate to any of this?

[jazzy123456]

just HUGS.... I don't have any answers but, EVERYTHING you said.. was how I felt, like you stole the words right out of my mouth. thanks for posting.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chloe2

Over the past few days Ive really had a chance to think about things and basically, I need to vent.

There was one point when I could have written most of this. It's some years ago now, but I recognise the feelings.

I like my therapist a lot, I wish I could have more of him as in a friend, but for what I can get I am appreciative.

I wanted more and generally was not appreciative of what I was given!

I think I am quicker than he is, this bothers me as I am always figuring out things ahead of him, it seems. But we get along well

I am quicker than my T, but not really any smarter. Through her, I learned to respect the slower intelligence that some people have.

I don't feel I have made much progress, Im frustrated by this, but I have covered a lot of baggage. But, does that really matter? I'm not sure its put me ahead in any way.

Yup.

I am comforted at the arms length support my t provides me. But at times I am frustrated at the arms length, not enough to drive me nuts, just enough to make me sad at times.

Yup.

He never really gives an answer. I like answers.

Yup.

I feel like my t doesn't know how to help me some times, maybe lack of training/experience. I wish I felt more confident in him.

Yup. I felt T had a very limited toolset. And I still feel that way. But I have learned to respect the power of those few tools.

I want my t to be more directive, I want him to be more structured, more motivating.

Yup.

[stopdog]

The glacial pace of therapy is very frustrating. Hard to think they don't plan it that way.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

The glacial pace of therapy is very frustrating. Hard to think they don't plan it that way.

Sigh! Too true.

[SallyBrown]

Yeah, I can definitely relate to this. Structure can be a really good thing, and to be without structure when you need it can be disastrous.

I went through a long period where my T was becoming more and more distant, more and more difficult to predict, and also less structured. In some ways this is a trigger for me, because it recalls a time in my life when I was quite self-destructive, and there were some things I knew my parents knew, but they never told me to stop. Part of me wanted to stop, part of me wanted to keep going because those self-destructive things provided temporary help, and part of me wanted to keep upping the ante just to see how far I'd have to go before they intervened.

So when things became obviously more and more difficult for me during this phase in therapy, I was going crazy. I would just show up and talk about stuff and it didn't seem to matter if I said "I just had the best day ever" or "I started cutting myself again and spent the weekend planning the perfect suicide." There was some difference in response, but it was very unreliable and I felt totally lost at sea.

I worry a little about the fact that you feel you need to run things by your therapist before you do them... he's not supposed to let you do that, because that's not really his role in your life. I totally get your feeling the need to do it, but I think you know it's not ideal, right?

And this is the same guy that lets you clean out your bank account to see him whenever, but never remarks on it? Also a little worrisome.

This might be his style, but that doesn't mean it has to be yours. Actually joining PC made me realize that I really needed a more interactive, soft-and-squishy kind of T than the one I had. I had gotten a LOT from my more traditional Freudian guy, but I needed something else at that point. I can describe what brought me to that point in more detail, but I'm already SO verbose I need to put the brakes on myself!

So absolutely, if your gut says you need something different, go for something different!

However, I was able to hang onto my T -- by telling him that this was not what I needed and I knew that a more interactive, relational approach existed, and I felt like I was always going to be on the verge of suicide if he kept pulling back from me, hitting that trigger over and over without ever addressing it or working through it. I found out, finally, that he was doing that because his training group wanted him to be more distant with me in a more traditional analytic style. He apologized for not standing up to them because it meant not standing up for my needs. Since then, we've had some serious bumps in the road but it has been MUCH better.

Tell your T what you feel, and insist that he takes you seriously. He might be able to accommodate you, but if he feels he shouldn't do that and you feel you need someone who does, it's reasonable to consider leaving. I really hope you don't have to though... it's hard to replace someone with whom you've built such a great rapport.

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by Chloe2

Over the past few days Ive really had a chance to think about things and basically, I need to vent.

I like my therapist a lot, I wish I could have more of him as in a friend, but for what I can get I am appreciative.

I think I am quicker than he is, this bothers me as I am always figuring out things ahead of him, it seems. But we get along well

I don't feel I have made much progress, Im frustrated by this, but I have covered a lot of baggage. But, does that really matter? I'm not sure its put me ahead in any way.

I am comforted at the arms length support my t provides me. But at times I am frustrated at the arms length, not enough to drive me nuts, just enough to make me sad at times. Beneficial?

I depend on my t emotionally, I run everything by him. This is helpful, but he never gives enough answers. He never really gives an answer. I like answers.

I feel like my t doesn't know how to help me some times, maybe lack of training/experience. I wish I felt more confident in him.

So, is therapy helping me? I don't know. The less I see him, the more productive I am in my life, sometimes, not always. The more I see him, the more he is my life. Chicken or the egg...

I want my t to be more directive, I want him to be more structured, more motivating. What I have right now is a man who will let me talk about whatever I want but never really takes me anywhere. I could vent to my friends and family, but I vent to him and he seems interested. But is that what therapy is?

So all these months of sitting in a room with a man who I enjoy as a person, I question his skill in certain areas, ie phobias, but he is someone I want to see. I have made what I feel is no progress, and he acknowledges this to an extent.

This therapy experience feels like some self indulgent vent fest recently not initially. and that is ok. But I don't think I want to continue down this road. Is it me or him? I will speak to him.

What I have concluded is that my therapist can and has been helpful to me, but that he may not be the one to help me move on. he may have been a step in the right direction but maybe I need someone else. I think maybe his approach and my needs clash right now. But I want to keep seeing him. What do you do in this situation?

Does anyone relate to any of this?

Sounds like you have an attachment, but not growth with him?

[Chloe2]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

Yeah, I can definitely relate to this. Structure can be a really good thing, and to be without structure when you need it can be disastrous.

I went through a long period where my T was becoming more and more distant, more and more difficult to predict, and also less structured. In some ways this is a trigger for me, because it recalls a time in my life when I was quite self-destructive, and there were some things I knew my parents knew, but they never told me to stop. Part of me wanted to stop, part of me wanted to keep going because those self-destructive things provided temporary help, and part of me wanted to keep upping the ante just to see how far I'd have to go before they intervened.

So when things became obviously more and more difficult for me during this phase in therapy, I was going crazy. I would just show up and talk about stuff and it didn't seem to matter if I said "I just had the best day ever" or "I started cutting myself again and spent the weekend planning the perfect suicide." There was some difference in response, but it was very unreliable and I felt totally lost at sea.

I worry a little about the fact that you feel you need to run things by your therapist before you do them... he's not supposed to let you do that, because that's not really his role in your life. I totally get your feeling the need to do it, but I think you know it's not ideal, right?

---yeah, I know its not good, but I do tend to run things by a lot of people. I suppose I am just explaining how much I rely on him and find him important to me.

And this is the same guy that lets you clean out your bank account to see him whenever, but never remarks on it? Also a little worrisome.

---i hadn't thought about it like this, but yes, I would like him to want me to have made more progress. It is almost as if he is too comfortable with me without having any boundary issues.

This might be his style, but that doesn't mean it has to be yours. Actually joining PC made me realize that I really needed a more interactive, soft-and-squishy kind of T than the one I had. I had gotten a LOT from my more traditional Freudian guy, but I needed something else at that point. I can describe what brought me to that point in more detail, but I'm already SO verbose I need to put the brakes on myself!

---I might be in a similar situation that you were in, I might need someone to not let me talk so much.

So absolutely, if your gut says you need something different, go for something different!

However, I was able to hang onto my T -- by telling him that this was not what I needed and I knew that a more interactive, relational approach existed, and I felt like I was always going to be on the verge of suicide if he kept pulling back from me, hitting that trigger over and over without ever addressing it or working through it. I found out, finally, that he was doing that because his training group wanted him to be more distant with me in a more traditional analytic style. He apologized for not standing up to them because it meant not standing up for my needs. Since then, we've had some serious bumps in the road but it has been MUCH better.

Tell your T what you feel, and insist that he takes you seriously. He might be able to accommodate you, but if he feels he shouldn't do that and you feel you need someone who does, it's reasonable to consider leaving. I really hope you don't have to though... it's hard to replace someone with whom you've built such a great rapport.

----Thanks, I hope I can work it out. I keep putting this conversation off, but its time. The perfect situation would be if we discontinued therapy and became friends

[Chloe2]

Originally Posted by RiverX

Sounds like you have an attachment, but not growth with him?

You just summed it up so perfectly, I think that is exactly what it is!!