[kaliope]

Yes, Towanda, as please help states...vent all you want.......

So I woke up this morning and the first thing I thought was "what the hell did I do?" did i post about that? i dont remember. impulsively buying a plane ticket across the country to go visit my daughter and grandson on friday after getting overly amped out at my 2 day mental health training and reliving all these bipolar ptsd psychotic trauma memories......i just needed to escape.....now i feel like i have come down off a mania and just keep shaking my head. the tickets are non-refundable. my daughter is so excited and has made all kinds of plans and i just keep shaking my head.

i put in my leave slip today and my boss lectured me for not taking more time off. it ridiculous. im coming back tues. i have a class to teach both wed and thurs night. it wasnt a good time to travel. the boss is telling me to reschedulet the class wed, but its the last class of the series, i cant do that to a dozen people. this whole fiasco was stupid, stupid stupid. i just stood there in my boss' office and cried.

and i dread telling T and especially the new pdoc. this is such a manic thing to do. and then i think about how much money i have spent this past month. its ridiculous. i have been trying to tell T things arent right and now that they seem totally out of control i dont want to see him. and i dont even know what i am so afraid of. i am so afraid of the questionaire the nurse uses before seeing the pdoc. i can usually answer everything no. thoughts of self harm? suicide? drinking/drug?delusions/hallucinations?deprssion? that sort of stuff...now i feel like i have to lie...i dont want to be honest about that with a new pdoc..worse is what if i have a new nurse too?

well i am really just babbling on.....does anybody else dread pdocs so?

hugs to all............

[nicoleb2]

I saw my t today, and as always, she was far more kind to me than I am to myself about si'ing. I don't want to go next week or the week after though. Time for a treatment plan update (required every 3 months by insurance) and then an updated diagnostic assessment. Yuck. Have to think back over the last 3 months for one, and the last year for the other.
Aside from that, my body is on auto-pilot, my brain is who knows where

[mommyof2girls]

UGH !!! I am sick.....This sucks.....

[Switch]

I took my meds super late, can't sleep, and am not going to be able to get up in the morning... *****! I want to go to class tomorrow, but Seroquel just wires me for five or six hours, then makes me crash and I can't wake up for another 12. I'm pissed off, and frustrated at how my life is right now, and can't stop wishing I could just blank out and come too next September and everything would be better.

Frig. I just want to be able to be a normal fracking student!

I'll likely post again in the morning, once I wake up... not expecting a happy day.

[karebear1]

I've been up all night too Switch- but I don't have t work or go to school like you do. Hope you can find the energy to do what you have to.

My son just called to tell me his dad has been in a car wreck. He was hit by a construction truck. Not sure yet if he is okay; some numbness on one side. I'm hoping the paramedics will insist they take him to the hospital (he has multiple serious medical conditions that could be impacted and need to be checked out). Husband is stubborn though, so he'll probably talk them out of it.

So, no T today. Needed to see him, but it will have to wait. Called and cancelled and they've already called me to check on him. No new for them yet though.

Don't need this right now. Who does, I guess? Just feel beaten down. Just one more thing to feel all great about in my life. Sorry, just being negative. It will pass. I'll get over it.

farmergirl I'm sorry to hear that. I hope your husband is okay. Sometimes things just really suck and we're totally within our rights to be unhappy and feel negative. It's good that you can see it will pass, though, hope that's soon

[PleaseHelp]

((((Farmergirl)))) hope your hubby is OK.

Been fairly anxious for a couple of days now. Not sure if its a side effect of the neurotin (been on it 3 weeks). One of my SO's bros called yesterday afternoon to say he'd be in town. He ended up spending the night with us and will be staying tonight too. SO & I agree that this bro is an alcoholic. That's a trigger for me. He also gets loud, obnoxious, and likes to pick fights (normally verbal). Also very triggering for me. SO knows this and tries to keep his bro from really upsetting me. But last night he was really raising his voice and getting right in SO's face, I had to go upstairs. I just couldn't handle it, I was starting to flash back. SO understands when I leave like that. Has tried talking to his bro about it. I'm just frustrated with it. I wish he wasn't staying again tonight.

The youngest of SOs bros got engaged today. We knew they would be getting engaged (fiance had already set a date for the wedding and there is a baby on the way) just not when. I am happy for them. However, I just keep wondering "when will it ever be my turn." I was doing better at not being stuck on the whole marriage thing, until now.

Have pdoc appointment tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to it. Hate having appointments b4 work, but pdoc never has appointments in the afternoon. Most of the time I act like everything is fine, meds are working well, things are going good, etc. B/c I can't afford to tell her what's really going on and how I feel b/c I'll end up crying &/or upset. And I always have to go right to work after an appointment with her. I can't break down b4 work and be a complete mess when I get there. Lately, I'm having a hard enough time NOT breaking down at work w/o having to bring things up to pdoc.

Sorry for this long, rambling post pretty much about nothing.

to all that are struggling

[Switch]

((((Farmergirl)))) I hope he's alright, and you're alright. Hang in there, my prayers are with you.

Originally Posted by PleaseHelp

Have pdoc appointment tomorrow morning. Not looking forward to it. Hate having appointments b4 work, but pdoc never has appointments in the afternoon. Most of the time I act like everything is fine, meds are working well, things are going good, etc. B/c I can't afford to tell her what's really going on and how I feel b/c I'll end up crying &/or upset. And I always have to go right to work after an appointment with her. I can't break down b4 work and be a complete mess when I get there. Lately, I'm having a hard enough time NOT breaking down at work w/o having to bring things up to pdoc.

PleaseHelp, I think you should tell your pdoc even if you have to go to work. One messed up day at work is probably worth it, because if you tell your pdoc all the things your trying to hold in, he can help you with them, and maybe make it easier to bare, and then you can have a few more good days at work instead of just trying not to break down.

For myself: I took my meds late yesterday so I couldn't wake up until 5 30pm despite mom calling me for three hours strate. My meds wire me for 4 or 5 hours after taking them, then put me to sleep for 12 hours with no getting up possible.

Despite that, and missing class which I'm really mad about, Mom and Dad got me sushi and chocolate for Vday. I'm going to play Mario and do readings, and pray I get to class tomorrow.

To everyone, both to help you and to help me.

[FourRedheads]

Hugs to all. Hope your husband is alright, Farmergirl.

I am struggling. Big meeting next week with abusive ex and child services to discuss visitation with oldest daughter, whom he abused. He was nasty to me tonight at drop-off visitation for the other three children. Called me later and 'apologized' saying God is teaching him to love his enemies. wtf

Child support has been reduced to the point where I cannot pay the bills. I am more than freaked out. I'm scared.

My grandma is in the hospital with pneumonia. My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic homeless on the streets of Portland. My parents think I'm a failure. I am.

I can't keep my kids safe. I can't support us. I'm failing and falling. I want to disappear, just fade away into quietness. I can't do this anymore.

Oh, and Valentine's Day SUCKS.

This was the wrong week to stop the Zoloft. The brain zaps are horrible.

I need a hug.

[wintergirl]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Hugs to all. Hope your husband is alright, Farmergirl.

I am struggling. Big meeting next week with abusive ex and child services to discuss visitation with oldest daughter, whom he abused. He was nasty to me tonight at drop-off visitation for the other three children. Called me later and 'apologized' saying God is teaching him to love his enemies. wtf

Child support has been reduced to the point where I cannot pay the bills. I am more than freaked out. I'm scared.

My grandma is in the hospital with pneumonia. My brother is a drug addict and alcoholic homeless on the streets of Portland. My parents think I'm a failure. I am.

I can't keep my kids safe. I can't support us. I'm failing and falling. I want to disappear, just fade away into quietness. I can't do this anymore.

Oh, and Valentine's Day SUCKS.

This was the wrong week to stop the Zoloft. The brain zaps are horrible.

I need a hug.

I can tell by your posts how much you adore and strive to protect your children. You are NOT a failure - you are a tremendous source of strength for them.

But I completely agree with you that Valentine's Day kind of sucks.

Update : My husband's left arm is fractured, but there really isn't anything to do. It should heal on its own. Now to hassle with insurance and repair.

My son said T had called while we were at the hospital to check on us. That was thoughtful of him.

Now to de-stress.

I am absolutely dreading my appointment tomorrow. I do not want to go and wonder if I will successfully talk myself out of it and not show up. ugh.

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Update : My husband's left arm is fractured, but there really isn't anything to do. It should heal on its own. Now to hassle with insurance and repair.

My son said T had called while we were at the hospital to check on us. That was thoughtful of him.

Now to de-stress.

Chris, you have a very thoughtful T. I am sorry to read about your husband's arm being fractured, I am glad he is okay otherwise.

Here's to friends who can rescue us from Valentine's day aloneness, here's to Ts who email back with thoughtful messages, and here's to not being an idiot who has a super super sized Coke whilst watching a film at the multiplex late in the evening.... oh well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad! But, alas, I'm a little too wired to sleep... Wired, but back in a happier place. (But, also a bit mad with self for doubting some things... I need to get rational me and emotional me on the same freaking page!)

Therapy in about, ooh, 10 hours or so, all being well

((((hugs to all))))

[beauflow]

hugs all- Hope all well as well.

So mini-break down today.... again home, alone, cleaning.... Today I realized something big.....
I want control but I don't want to be controlling-- it sound so messed up to me, and it is the black and white thinking with this--
I wanted to SI so bad that it was not funny, I was going to break the glass cup while putting dishes away and wanted to start cutting with the shards (i was really chaotic in my head and was upset about more than just cleaning and not getting help)... but O how I am-- I realize that with that, it is rage and control thing with me.. and if i did cut myself it would be an illusion-- it is amazing how I can think some times,... problem solving beauflow that should just be.... I wrote a note to my boyfriend saying I was going to make him a list-- but I talked to him on the phone as well, told him what was going on for he had called like 2 times and I did not even know.. He suggested before I even said anything about telling him of tasks, he suggested to give him tasks as i would a child, and he will do them..... I told him I did not want to do that... I did not want to be controlling.. I told my boyfriend I just want help and I don't get why I have to tell him what to do, and I don't get why other "wives" have to tell their "husbands" what to do-- I surely don't need to be told what to do when a pig sty needs to be cleaned! We Chuckled... that is one great key-- I can be enraged so much by myself, about to go out of it for myself, but I will talk with him, and try best to be calm, and end up laughing or crazy chuckle if I am still upset.....
But ya know what-(think this is another thing bothering me)- I know it is the V day, but this weekend is our anniversary 3 years together (including living- we were odd with this start off but it works for us).... I feel bad, all I made was a little photo thing with some good pictures of us in it with hearts on it.... and he bought me something I find out He always enjoys my things I make, but I just feel so messed up lately like not really here and realizing what time of the year it is and that this is something important to me- and January was hell, and these past few weeks have just been ugh....... BUT maybe I can find something that we can do -- Like take him out on a date-- Lord knows he has put up with a lot from me lately

Be Well all and best wishes and many many hugs to all of you!

Thanks for the hugs- but Idk why the font went big when it was small when I first posted.... :/ hmm

[kaliope]

Well had appt with T today. Last night i was so anxious, if i didnt know i had anxiety i would have thought i was having a heart attack. By the time i got to my appt it was so bad my head was spinning and i wanted to throw up. For the first time ever, t was very assertive with me. He didnt let me wander or look away or hide in my hands...it was "focus..look at me" He is 100% certain, ALL the mood instability i have been experiencing over the last month or so is related to seeing the new pdoc. I was supposed to see a new one last month and was pretty prepared for that and then they cancelled the appt. I did get upset about it. He had some pretty convincing arguments too. He spent the session getting me prepared to see the pdoc tomorrow, ways to present better, what to tell her about my meds and such and just to walk in there and tell her that i am terrified to see her. and to take klonopin before i go. we decided that getting back on haldol was not the best route to take right now and that we would work on coping skills for awhile first, but that a change in antianxiety medication may be a good choice. anxiety is still in high gear so all i have to do is make it thru tomorrow and if T is right, things should start going back to normal soon....lets hope....

hugs to all..........

[healed84]

I am here.. anxiety came back in full force yesterday, had two panic attacks yesterday. I am on the edge of one right now.. I am trying to keep my mind off of it, but it isn't working so great. I have T today.. and just like last week, I have this impending feeling that something is going to stop me from going.. He cancels, my babysitter cancels.. anything that will keep me from going. I hate that feeling.

I feel sick to my stomach about what we will talk about today.. I am worried about if he asks about SI, and how I will respond. I am afraid of his reaction if we talk about it, and I am trutful. Ugh.. when I dealt with it 10yrs ago, it wasn't something I talked about and it is still not something I want to talk about. I feel like a faliure.. 10 years of not doing it, and anxiety gets the best of me, and bam.. here I am again. I feel like my insecure teenage self.

[agma]

I have been struggling with depression in AM and anxiety in PM. Saw t yesterday and we talked a lot about the anxiety and I think it helped. I guess I'll see tonight. I see pdoc tomorrow. I am probably going to need a med change since I have been struggling so much. I made an appointment to see the infertility doc in March to get the ball rolling. My h and I have been trying for well over a year with no luck. I am nervous and excited at the same time.

[Towanda]

Last couple of days have been good but feeling very anxious and stressed today. Senior year in school - I'm a psych major - and literally no time to breathe. Hubby was away for V day so spent it alone - phone call helped but just didn't do it. Had an exam in neuropsych yesterday and I think I blew it which is really stressing me out as I need at least a C in this class to continue on to graduation. Finding it very hard to remember anything due to meds I'm on. Pdoc just shrugs when I mention this - not much help from him ever - just wants to keep prescribing more meds.

I've been trying really hard this week to keep my focus off T and off therapy and it seems to be working. I don't feel the desperate need for T that I usually do which is a new thing for me. It's kind of nice - the needy little girl that's been clinging to me for the last six years has gone, along with the weight of her on my emotions. Been almost 2 weeks since I SI so that's a little progress. And, drum roll please, I'm sober three years today!!

I guess when you add everything up, all things considered, my life is suddenly starting to look a little more positive, and that's good. It's been a long time coming.

[PleaseHelp]

This could be long. Warning that there maybe some things that are triggering having to do with SU comments.

Yesterday did not go very well. Found out from the girls that one of their brother's dad was killed in a car accident last week. SO & I are feeling very helpless. SO is really struggling with this. SO feels so guilty about so many things when it comes to his "ex" step-son (T). (SO considers both boys to be his kids. And for that matter so do I) T has been through so much in his 13 years. SO's ex will not let us have any contact with the boys, we haven't seen/talked to them in 4 years. I feel guilty, like its my fault b/c she told SO that if he ever tried to talk to the boys she would get a restraining order against him and then make it really hard for him to see the girls. All of this happened right after we bought a house together. SO's not sure if that's the reason or not. But she (ex) was letting him see all 4 kids until we bought the house. I feel so helpless.

SO's bro (H) & a friend (D) came to our house totally wasted last night, so that H could pick up his things. They basically invited themselves in and started drinking more. The subjects were distrubing - wont stop talking about suicides or attempted suicides. Was triggering me. SO left room to go get something. H was telling me how awesome I was and I jokingly said "have to be to put up with your bro." H walked out of the room and D says "you have a lot of issues that he needs to put up with too." I just looked at him and said "I don't know you, I've never met you, you have no right to say those things, finish your drink and get out of my house!" D started to go off more. I again told him to finish his drink and leave. Then I went to our room. SO came to find out what was going on. I was so upset I could hardly talk, just told him that D had said some offensive things. SO went to find out what was going on and D went off on him. D ended up leaving after insulting SO & I more. (I stayed in our room) After it all, SO came to check on me. When I finally was calm enough to tell him what happened he was like no wonder you were so upset. He said he was proud of me for standing up for myself, even though I did retreat to our bedroom. He really stood up for me to D. It was agreed that D is NEVER allowed in our house again, he's been there once before. Took me a long time to calm down.

Went to pdoc appointment this morning. I was able to tell her some of the things that were going on. I did tell her that I was frustrated with her nurses and why. She said she would talk to them b/c they had no right to talk to me the way they did about therapy. Decided to increase the neurotin to 2x a day. If things start to stabalize with the anxiety, we will start to wean me off the klonopin. She agreed that we would do it very very slowly this time.

Again sorry this is so long.

to all that are struggling.

Ohmigosh. Well I didn't manage to sleep last night, but had a nap for an hour or so after breakfast - then overslept a tad, meaning I had to rush around to get ready, and drive a little more, erm... assertively... to get to therapy on time. Got there like, 2 minutes late, and all hyper. The adrenaline rush from all that 'living on the edge' and getting there on the last minute did NOT help with the caffeine buzz I was already having (wait, can they last for like, 14 hours? Maybe sleep deprivation also makes me daft...) and I think - in fact am pretty sure - that T got to see my giddy side. I'm having flashbacks of stupid **** I said. (And I chatted so much ****!) Jabber jabber jabber! I think T was bemused. Maybe even amused. I calmed down after a while (maybe somewhat unconsciously mirroring her calm and serenity?) and we did talk about some serious things as well as the random nonsense that kept falling out of my mouth. In a way I feel like *SMH!* 'Oh dear, T must think I am bats**t crazy now. Immature and stupid!' not my usual quiet (maybe 'demure'?) self. But eh. I feel good! Kind of like I regressed to what it would have been like to be a giggly teenager. I used to have these kind of moods when I hung out with my ex-best-friend Emma from work, and those were some fun times. I'm glad that silly girl I could be sometimes is still within like, at least I can say, 'look! I'm not always a boring *****!' This session was proof!

Despite my being hyper, and probably at times a little flippant, I felt like we connected. There were insights and understandings... and we covered all sorts. Quite a light session I guess, but useful and meaningful all the same.

So, I'm in a happy place! Will try and enjoy it while it lasts. I'm also super psyched because I called in at the supermarket on the way home and they were having a half price sale on clothes - so I picked up a couple of real bargains with what I had left of my birthday money, and what's better is that when I got home and tried them on they fit great and they made me look quite slim. T did ask today if I'd lost weight, and I think maybe I have a little bit - despite my little comfort food misdemeanors this week! So that little ego boost didn't hurt, either

(((((hugs to everyone)))))

Dear God,

I know people say you will never give me more than I can handle, and actually you've always proven to me that that is true. After all, I'm still here despite everything I've been through. But right now life keeps piling on the challenges and I'm incredibly stressed and very overwhelmed. I'm at my limit. No more please. I need to breathe. Hold my hand and walk me through this.

[nicoleb2]

I just don't care anymore. I feel like crap, nothing i do is right anymore and i just don't care

[kaliope]

so i made it thru my pdoc appointment without crying or being weird or anything like that. i noticed she had a cheat sheet on me on her desk which means she actually read up on me. she was very kind and non threatening. said she intends to be around for awhile and hopes that we can develop a relationship. says she will never change my meds without serious discussion and my imput. problem is that she hates the med that works for me so if things get bad, i dont know that i would be able to talk her into it. but i wont worry about that unless we get to that point. i asked if i could change from the antianxiety old pdoc put me on, which is actually a blood pressure med, to a real antianxiety that worked very well for me in the past and she did so without hesitation. she also doubled the amount of klonopin that i had to pull teeth to get out of other pdoc and i didnt even ask her to do that. so overall, i am very happy and comfortable with new pdoc and glad to have survived the day.

hugs to all..........