[beauflow]

I told myself earlier I was not going to log into PC any more for a while, but damn here I am again.

I just had to give a hug to Please Help, for real.

Healed, I had similar with that but it's not just anxiety- it is the crashing down so low with rapid cycling, mentioned that before, and no it is not a good feeling...

So not many will really understand this (I have came to that conclusion with this place sorry if I sound sour but it is how I have been feeling.. some do, and I get that and thank you for the ones that give support weather or not you understand).

But I am going to try to stop smoking- yeah that one post of dr wanting x-rays was not a joke.
So-- she has scared me enough to get me into the mind set of I NEED to stop smoking... Plus getting a $235 inhaler (to which has maxed out my s h i t a s s insurance), I can not do every month.... the inhaler is just for 2 weeks but if by chance i got worse just with out a cold, it would be what I would be on monthly. I am already on one inhaler that I take whenever needed, this new inhaler is 2 times a day.
I know, 98% thinking "WHAT A F-ING MORON BEAUFLOW IS".....I am a moron for smoking and having asthma- but with growing up as not believing you would make it past 20 (if 20! and trying to do yourself in prior), ya really don't give a damn when you start, and as years go by you do get addicted in physical and mental... For me the mental part is the hardest to think of-- NOT To have that smoke there to calm one down... it almost makes me want to cry--
I get so mad at myself- I have stopped Meth, Coke, Weed, and heavy drinking with Alcohol (still drink once like 1 to 3 months so it is rare) and stopped the life of get whatever you can get your hands on to get high!!!.. and damn cigarettes I am crying about giving up. They Don't even get me high, but the relieve stress for me, they relieve something more.
any ways- Yeah, so planning on that.....
I am sorry If I sound sour- I just find some days, not all days, not much support- and maybe this is all in my head?? maybe.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I told myself earlier I was not going to log into PC any more for a while, but damn here I am again.

I just had to give a hug to Please Help, for real.

Healed, I had similar with that but it's not just anxiety- it is the crashing down so low with rapid cycling, mentioned that before, and no it is not a good feeling...

So not many will really understand this (I have came to that conclusion with this place sorry if I sound sour but it is how I have been feeling.. some do, and I get that and thank you for the ones that give support weather or not you understand).

But I am going to try to stop smoking- yeah that one post of dr wanting x-rays was not a joke.
So-- she has scared me enough to get me into the mind set of I NEED to stop smoking... Plus getting a $235 inhaler (to which has maxed out my s h i t a s s insurance), I can not do every month.... the inhaler is just for 2 weeks but if by chance i got worse just with out a cold, it would be what I would be on monthly. I am already on one inhaler that I take whenever needed, this new inhaler is 2 times a day.
I know, 98% thinking "WHAT A F-ING MORON BEAUFLOW IS".....I am a moron for smoking and having asthma- but with growing up as not believing you would make it past 20 (if 20! and trying to do yourself in prior), ya really don't give a damn when you start, and as years go by you do get addicted in physical and mental... For me the mental part is the hardest to think of-- NOT To have that smoke there to calm one down... it almost makes me want to cry--
I get so mad at myself- I have stopped Meth, Coke, Weed, and heavy drinking with Alcohol (still drink once like 1 to 3 months so it is rare) and stopped the life of get whatever you can get your hands on to get high!!!.. and damn cigarettes I am crying about giving up. They Don't even get me high, but the relieve stress for me, they relieve something more.
any ways- Yeah, so planning on that.....
I am sorry If I sound sour- I just find some days, not all days, not much support- and maybe this is all in my head?? maybe.

Judgement free here. I smoked for 20 yrs...quit for 4 and started up full speed recently. I guilt myself with every puff....no words of wisdom, but I understand where you are coming form.

Bah. Just kind of numb now, the high has left me! Not feeling too bad I guess, just at a loose end, kind of empty. Therapy seems years away. Going seeing my doctor in a little while, but then I have a whole evening full of nothing lined up. Maybe I'll call a friend or something... But I'm not sure I have enough money to go out :/

that buzz, that happiness, was nice while it lasted. I feel like I'm searching for another 'fix' now...

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I know, 98% thinking "WHAT A F-ING MORON BEAUFLOW IS".....I am a moron for smoking

Not at all. I smoked for nearly 20 years. I had to quit 3 times before it finally 'stuck'. I get it.

I am feeling so discouraged and STUCK today. Without going into a ton of details that no one would care about my home life is not ideal or healthy, I am not happy, I want and *need* out. But I have severe anxiety, and I don't say that as an excuse, because I am working with my T to try and work through it so I can break free...but right now it feels like I'm never ever going to get past it.

I am so stuck, and I feel so stupid because I know I'm in a bad place that I need to get out of but even that cannot overpower the anxiety and depression right now. My T says it will, but this is a long and painful process and I know that...the painful part especially.

I don't know if this even makes any sense, I'm just ranting and rambling here. I want to reach out to t but I don't think I will yet. I was actually really happy the last couple of days and then everything hit the fan today.

[FourRedheads]

I called T. Yesterday was too much. I said too much. What was I thinking? That "safe" feeling I had with T is gone. I feel exposed, ashamed, gross, unlovable. I don't know how to face her next week. I want to hide, but not really. Ugh.

When I called, T said it's okay. She said she is there and she is okay. She said I was brave for opening that door yesterday. She said we would take it slow and I would set the pace. I want to believe her.

[WePow]

Worked today but still had some pain. Got home and mate had moved some furnature around. That messed with my OCD. Called my folks and yelled at my mom, which is the first in my life! She kept asking me what was wrong and I told her "nothing" then she asked again and I told her I was tired. Then she asked again and told me not to lie to her and I lost it and told her I just wanted to be left alone!
My last session with T was good but he asked a question about something from the past and for some reason my mind decided that because he didn't know the answer that I was not important enough to remember or to connect the dots. IDK. So that was messing with my mind today just a little bit.

I will be just fine. I always am. Wish I hadn't yelled at my mom that way. She is no doubt crying now. But I don't want to call her back. She should have asked me if I was OK when I was a child and needed her to find out what was wrong instead of turning her back and closing the bedroom door on all that was going on with my dad.
IDK. Whatever.

[healed84]

My good feeling went by the way side tonight.. The stress of sick kids, no sleep, and anxiety over my own health, and urges (and giving into) SI.. have taken over. Feeling really low, and frustrated. I have contemplated calling my T. However, he wants the calls on his after hours lines to be for something that is truly urgent and I am not sure that this is. Just feeling, not good. Down, depressed, stressed, disappointed in myself.

[Switch]

Here and decent. My gf's staying the night, and I think we broke a barrier in our relationship, finally. I'll post about it tomorrow on a thread I created about my relationship barriers. I also got to see a old room mate I hadn't seen in a while, and had Sabbath dinner with her. It was fun!

I just want to say to anyone who gets this, that PC is amazing. I feel so loved here, and I love that this place is safe to really express how I feel, and ask questions. I know this sounds really cheesy but I'm kinda tearing up about it. I feel really happy being here with everyone and like I have a place in the world. I know it's just an online community and stuff, but I just want to say you guys are awesome and thank you for putting a bit of light back into my life.



Night guys. I'm going to go cuddle with the girl I think is amazing, with love and joy in my heart because of you guys.

[FourRedheads]

Hi Switch, I get it, I really do. Having a place where I can be honest about my feelings..for the first time in my life..is wonderful.

[PleaseHelp]

Originally Posted by beauflow

I told myself earlier I was not going to log into PC any more for a while, but damn here I am again.

I just had to give a hug to Please Help, for real.

Healed, I had similar with that but it's not just anxiety- it is the crashing down so low with rapid cycling, mentioned that before, and no it is not a good feeling...

So not many will really understand this (I have came to that conclusion with this place sorry if I sound sour but it is how I have been feeling.. some do, and I get that and thank you for the ones that give support weather or not you understand).

But I am going to try to stop smoking- yeah that one post of dr wanting x-rays was not a joke.
They Don't even get me high, but the relieve stress for me, they relieve something more.
any ways- Yeah, so planning on that.....
I am sorry If I sound sour- I just find some days, not all days, not much support- and maybe this is all in my head?? maybe.

Thank you for the hugs. I was wrong. What SO said and what I heard where 2 different things.

I too have felt at times that this site is a bit overwhelming and that I could use more support. I also am very sensitive to how others are feeling, so sometimes it can bring me down. When I feel like that I do take a break. I have also realized that some may not be able to support at times. I know when I'm really struggling its hard for me to be supportive. I can give hugs, but actually trying to put into words things that would be supportive is hard for me. OK most times putting things into words is hard for me. If you need to take a break, than do. We will all understand.

For what its worth I don't think your a moron at all. Do you know what it is about cigarettes that help relieve the stress? Maybe using those electronic cigarettes would help. Just throwing out suggestions. I've never smoked, so don't have first hand experience with it. My SO did and quit after 20+ years. Good luck to you.

[Nelliecat]

I am feeling tearful today, been crying over everything; not fitting into any of my clothes, the bad dream I had last night about losing my 6 year old and the residue of bad feelings from T last week. Probably PMT.

[FourRedheads]

(((Nelliecat)))

[FourRedheads]

The feelings (?) of shame are overwhelming. I want T so badly. I want her to hug me. I need to know that I'm not disgusting. I said too much to her. It was too much.

[Nelliecat]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

The feelings (?) of shame are overwhelming. I want T so badly. I want her to hug me. I need to know that I'm not disgusting. I said too much to her. It was too much.

Me too

[Switch]

Here, Doing okay, though I want to give a hug to everyone who I can read is not

(((((((((((((((((((EVERYONE))))))))))))))))))

Going to go hang with a friend, but I'm late (as usual -_-) because of that damn essay... ITS DONE NOW THOUGH!! I just need to send it in. I don't care about the -8% on it right now... although I know I will later. Right now I just like that it's done.

[WePow]

Talked with mom today and she acted like nothing happened last night. That is how it rolls in my family. Avoidance at all cost! ha ha.
My S/O had the neighbor guy come take the chair away she did not want. Male in my space is a big trigger, but I am just numb right now I think. S/O did say I was being unusually silent, but she gives me space. Spent the day shredding my past... old birthday cards and letters from people who pretended to be my friend for a short time. Whatever. Shredded a lot of old bill information too. When I am gone, I don't want my family reading through all that and knowing how I spent my money.

Next week will be on call for work which is another trigger. I am not dissociating still. But I am a whole person in a very strange world that I don't understand really. Since intigration, things just are VERY VERY different from the way I saw the world before. Everyone looks at me like they think I am strong. They think I am just out for a walk in the park I suppose. Even my best friend emailed and said she hoped I was enjoying my healing. I shrug my shoulders to myself and realize no one on earth will ever get me. They see what they think they see but they can't see the real me. And now that I see the real me, I understand there is no reason for them to try to look any harder to see me. There is nothing here really. And that is fine. I am actually relieved to realize that. I was even hiding from myself I suppose.

[rainbow_rose]

WePow:

Been trying to get some kind of endorphin 'fix' all day. Nothing's really working. I'm just feeling kind of lost, kind of numb... Not really 'bad', but it's an anticlimax for sure.

[FourRedheads]

Thanks Nelliecat. It helps to know I'm not alone. I hope your day was better for you.

[Screenager]

Another empty, boring day. Caught between the person I'd like to be and the person I unfortunately am.
And looking forward to T on Monday... though it's the last time before her vacation. Ugh.

In a way I'm glad about this depression. All feelings are somehow... numb, not as intense. So even the bad ones just make me shrug and move on.

There are no words for how deeply I hate myself. And there's nothing my therapist can do about it. It's all up to me and i don't care anymore.

[pbutton]

Tried to do homework today. Went to the library for about an hour, did some work and then could not focus. Wanted to crawl out of my head. Went to the gym to work off energy. Home now and H is annoying the crap out of me. I want him to stop talking. He's being nice and making dinner I am just not in the mood for interaction. I can't even really post or respond to people here. Blah.

[Chopin99]

I'm having an incredibly good day because I just bought a new car! I did have a gas-guzzling SUV and now that I'm going to be traveling for work more frequently, I bought a nice sedan...black w/black leather interior, moon roof, heated seats...nicest car I've ever had!

[healed84]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I'm having an incredibly good day because I just bought a new car! I did have a gas-guzzling SUV and now that I'm going to be traveling for work more frequently, I bought a nice sedan...black w/black leather interior, moon roof, heated seats...nicest car I've ever had!

Ohhhh how exciting!!! Glad you are feeling good today! New car smell will do that to you