Why do I keep doing this? Is it insanity?

To My Therapist,

Just in case I freeze up in our session tomorrow, I am sending this to you in an email so that I can't back out on it. I don't know where all of this came from tonight, but I decided to write it down and see what happens when we meet.

Topic #1: "The Peacemaker Avoids Temptation" An old boy friend (from my teens) sent me a facebook message last night. Nothing big deal, but then he saw me signed on and wanted to chat. I avoided that for awhile and then felt like I might offend him if I didn't say anything. So, I responded with a friendly greeting. I didn't engage at all, and I think he felt that. I know that this is not somewhere that I even need to take one inch toward. I don't allow myself to be tempted at all.

Topic #2: "The Screamer Cannot Take Another Hit" My husband's computer messed up, so we called someone out to repair it. On his way out the front door, HE FELL ON THE PORCH AND BROKE HIS LEG!!! Holy Cow! Now what? Is he going to sue us?? Isn't that great? That's what we need right now. A freakin' law suit!

Topic #3: "The Self Sabotager Does it All Wrong" I have been reading articles about therapy from a therapist's point of view. I sent you one of the articles. This has me thinking about so many things. So many things that I do WRONG! The things that a therapist wishes the client would not do. Yes, I am sure that I am over-exaggerating my flaws, but I know that I get on your nerves even if you say that I don't! One article talked about not engaging in too much small talk because it just takes away from the precious time that you have in that therapy session. Well, that is not going to work for me. I can't just bounce in there and say, "Let's work on why I can't seem to get past the thoughts (hurt/pain) of not having an intimate (physical) relationship EVER in my life! Uuhhhmm... not exactly what was on my mind all day when working with 8-9 year old students!

Topic #4: "The Sensitive One Cannot Get a Grip" I feel like a bright orange crayon in a box of all black markers! I stand out and make it totally obvious that I am D I F F E R E N T ! Can I scream that as loud as I can? Did you hear me?

Topic #5: "The Bipolar Freak Needs to be Locked Up" Why do I write this nonsense out? Why in the world would I want anyone to read this? That is what I want to know. Who is this person that acts so childish? What can I do to make her SHUT UP and go away! She makes me so upset. She causes me so much grief and pain. She keeps me from being able to function like a normal person. She lies and fills my head with negative thoughts about what others are thinking. She thinks everyone is against her. What is up with all of that! She makes me cry and feel sorry for myself. She makes me not want to ever leave the house. She makes me want to give up. She has no sense of self. She gets swallowed up in the anxiety that consumes her at times. She needs help, but she is not sure if there is really anything that can be done for her. Is she to accept that this is just who she is? Or is she living a lie? Or is she wishing for a false hope?

Topic #6: "The Caregiver" She does not want to talk about it anymore.


I don't know what just spewed out, or where it came from, but there it is in black and white. Now what? I hope I got this all out, but I may end up sending something else later tonight. I hope that is okay.

Squiggle

Ouch! That's a lot of trouble to carry!

But I hope you T can help with some of it at least.

Wow Squiggs- that is a GREAT email you sent T. You pin pointed your frustrations very well. I hope you did send it to T! Good for you.

You have a lot on there. It would be an entire month worth of therapy for me with a list like that! :-) Big hugs to you!!!!

Yes, I did send that to her. There was more detail in the one I sent to her. Funny thing is that just a couple of days ago I was thinking I didn't have anything to talk about in our next session!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( squiggle )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I hope your T hears you. You sure got past your stuck place!!!

Great email, Squiggle! Looks like your next session could be really productive

In spite of my hesitation, my session was okay today. I felt rather flat, though. She went over each of the topics that I layed out in the email. Some of them I thought were just plain ridiculous and didn't need to be addressed. You would think that by now I would have learned to never say that to her. Why? because those are the ones she will focus on the most! She says that those are the ones that I try to avoid and she wants me to stop 'making fun' of my Little Squiggle.

I kinda hate it when a session goes rather smooth. No highs, no lows. No major tressors, no triggers. Just kinda blah. For some reason she thinks those are really productive, but I don't. I guess I think I need to get all emotional to make me feel like I have had a 'good' session.

There is a part of me that thinks I need to take a week off just to get my bearings about me. I may think I am okay on Monday and want to skip a session, but then on Tuesday night (the day before a session), I am a mess! She is okay with me cancelling the day of the session. She just wants me to let her know by noon. That's not a bad deal, is it?

Sometimes I feel like I am talking about the same issues all the time. Maybe not the exact ones, but issues that end up tying back to the other ones. Does that make sense? I guess you could call it going back to my core issues. My wounded core affects every aspect of my life. But how do you repair the core? Is it repairable? Or do you patch it up the best you can and just keep on keepin' on?

I have this visual of my core. Like this steel ball that is inside me, but it is bashed in on one side and has dents all in it. It will never 'roll' again because the damage is too severe to be able to do that, but can it wobble and still get to wear it needs to be? Isn't it about arriving at your destiny (goal) and not necessarily worrying so much about which way you will get there?

Am I just feeding into a dream that one day I will be free from this negative self-image? I am working my tail off in therapy! She told me today that I have come a VERY long way in the past two years. When she recapped some things for me, I can see where she is right. I have done things lately that I would never have done two years ago. For that I am happy. If I could focus on my accomplishments and not look at how far I have to go, I may be able to focus better.

One thing I did today that I never thought I could do was this. I went into the office area knowing that another couple was going to be coming out of her office at any minute. I made myself go in there and sit and wait! I saw them talking with her. She was chatting and laughing with them. And you know what? It did not bother me one bit! Hallelujah! I cannot believe that I was able to handle that.

Love this!! The "headlines" are fantastically poetic...I'm not being sarcastic, I think your summaries are tight!

I think mine would read....

" Woman loves therapist, lies to him anyways"

"Nervous driver clocks in at 15 mph, in other news, spoiler falls off due to boredom"

"Childhood issues cause mass cravings for cupcakes"

and so on...

I only wish my notes to my T were so concise and crisp. Maybe if I wrote like you he'd have a clue what I'm trying to say!