T's Response to a Compliment

What's up with t's who respond to a compliment, or a feeling of attachment, with absolute silence? I told my t in an email (among other things) that I thought she was a beautiful person. When she replied, she totally avoided that area. Couldn't she have said "thank you" or something to acknowledge what I said? The silence comes across as: (1) what you said is no big deal -- you could have just as easily told me the sky is blue; (2) yes, I know I'm beautiful, and there's nothing more to say about that; or (3) I don't like what you said, so i am not going to acknowledge it, thereby discouraging similar statements in the future.

I know that, for me, when I tell t how much she means to me, and she then chooses to totally avoid a response in that area, it makes me feel pushed away, and kind of ashamed for what i said. It makes me feel like i said something wrong, that she doesn't want me to feel close to her, and like i should "take it back" and avoid mentioning anything like that ever again.

What do you guys think?

same here, Peaches, exactly.

ETA: T & I just talked about her silence (in my case, not replying to my call). Silence, I told her, can be interpreted any way I want; and since it's me, negagtive misinterpretation is all too easy. She indicated that she understood & we worked out what would work better. Maybe you could do that with yr T, Peaches? (((hugs))) I know it wouldn't be easy to bring up, it wasn't for me.

ugh, that's what I think. It's happened to me and I hate it. I thought I learned the last time, but just did it again. I'm sorry you are experiencing this.

I think it's some wacky way of saying 'therapy isn't about me (T)'.
But it is infuriating to me, the mixed message of 'let me in' and 'don't be personal with me'. It's cold. I understand the feeling being pushed away and shame.

I wish my T could understand it's more about the MOMENT than about his CUTENESS! He says "thank you" like he's miss america or something and it's like he totally changes the mood, totally didn't GET my meaning! It's like he's saying, yes I know I'm pretty and you're not, so let's quick change the subject - and i'm like - whaaa??? OH I GET IT - Do they think we want them to say it back right then? That's it, that's why they're quiet; and that's why LATER, he came up with, you have a beautiful smile, I love your smile, and I was thinking, where the heck did THAT come from all of a sudden? Peaches, you solved the mystery!!! (Where's GoldBug the reporter and Pig Will and Pig Won't?) ie they are quiet because they're THIMKING!!!

LOL

Possible interpretations:

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: Ho hum. Onto the next message.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: I know I am, and there’s really nothing left to say!

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: You are projecting your feelings about your mom onto me. Your feelings toward me are not real, so I am not going to respond to them.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: Egad! She’s too attached to me. I’ll discourage it by not responding.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: OMG! Is she attracted to me?!

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: Yeah, just wait until I let you down. Then I’ll become the wicked witch of the west!

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: What does she want?

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: Well, you’re not. But I won’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt your feelings.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: Therapy is about you, it’s not about me.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: She is trying to butter me up, and I am not going to fall for that.

Me: I think you’re a beautiful person.
You: I like you too, but I’m not going to say so because I have to be objective.

Peaches, have you ever talked to your T about this?

Yes, several times. But in email, since I'm too nervous to talk in person about it.

I basically have said, hey, it makes me feel bad when i tell you how i feel about you and you don't respond.

but she has never responded as to why she does that.

I see that lots of people, including yourself, peaches, are very uncomfortable with a non-responding T. And so was I, when I had one like that. But, for me at least, that was a long time ago and I think that since then I've come to understand more of what they're doing when they don't respond. At least I think so. How their patients respond to non-responsiveness tells them a lot (I think) about a patient's relations with their parents when the patient was a baby. So every time you say or do something with the obvious expectation of some kind of emotionally relevant response, they're studying how you react to the absence of such a response. If you read anything about Attachment Theory (and there are some good books about it for us laypeople), you'll see how T's use those kinds of "tests" to find out more about you at a rather deep level. And I would kind of doubt that there's any other way for T's to "grasp your essence." Hope this helps!

Is it time to talk about it in person then? You are not addressing it fully but you want her to?

I don't know about Ts but I *hate* compliments. If someone said I was beautiful, I'd say "thank you" and change the subject quickly. Inside I'd be cringing soooooo bad "OMG! She said I was beautiful!? But I'm not AT ALL!! What does she want? Is she fishing for a compliment? Is she buttering me up for a favour? Aargh! What do I do???? Move on, move on, change the topic!!" I've found, through trial and error, to briefly acknowledge the compliment (saying thank you, NOT because I know I'm completely stunning btw! lol) and change the topic.

Anyway, cutting through my waffle, the only way you will know what T was thinking about the compliment is if you ask her and she tells you. As you posted, it could be a whole load of responses, but I think most of them are about her, rather than about you (my response to compliments is about my issue with self-worth, nothing to do with the person who complimented me)



*Willow*

As Ygrec said, therapists that use the distant approach are trying to learn something about you by how you interpret their silence. Everything you use to fill it in is informative. For instance, let's say you felt very strongly that she thought you were attracted to her, and was put off by that. The next step would be to explore where that is coming from. Maybe your sexuality was a point of shaming with your parents. Maybe there was some other form of rejection in your past, and so you're filling in her silence with what seems to you to be a plausible source of rejection. And so on.

This approach isn't for everybody. I actually do think it is EXTREMELY informative if you're willing to stand back and look at the way you fill in the thoughts of others. However, I also think it's possible to do this without feeling completely distant from your T. I do also wonder if she doesn't respond in e-mail because she wants to be able to get the sense of what you're saying in person.

My T has gotten better about being responsive when I say emotionally charged things. Part of that, though, is that he knows that if he says something like, "I'm glad you feel important to me," he can follow it up with, "and what's making you think of that right now?" and I won't answer by listing a whole bunch of things that HE is doing, but that I will both talk about things he does AND link them to other experiences in my past. I think the concern is that you will lose focus on YOUR stuff and start making it about what your T is doing or not doing. Which may or may not actually happen. I hope your T helps you work this out!

well, how long does the same testing need to go on I wonder?

the thing is, client is a person, and there is another person in the room with you who hides & refuses to come out. It is not confidence-building when you are expected to turn over the keys to your most secret places to someone you do not know.

She may not want to have that kind of conversation in email. I would go more by how she responds in person when you give her a compliment. Does she sit there in silence and stare at you? Does she say something totally related to what you just said? If this happens in person, have you ever commented to her about how it makes you feel? If it happened to me several times in person, I would probably stop giving compliments. The "message" I would hear from T is that he doesn't want to talk about this kind of thing.

At least long enough for T to chart your changes starting with where you are when you start therapy to after you've substantially changed yourself. It's kind of like a hospital nurse keeping a fever chart and watching to the point that it comes down to normal and stays there. In therapy that can be a really long time.

If you need an abdominal surgery you don't expect to "know" your surgeon other than an introduction and a short chat or two. And then there you are on an operating table very much exposing your most secret places not only to the surgeon but to whoever may be in the operating room.

All too many people don't relate their mental and emotional "private places" with their physical such places. And they are entirely comparable, in my opinion. T is a professional, like the surgeon. T will not disclose to others anything learned during a session. T will view your mental innards in the same dispassionate way as your surgeon views your physical insides.

There are no professionals of any kind whatsoever who are expected to, and do, form a serious personal relationship with their clients other than psychological professionals. And it most certainly shouldn't even be true in psychological matters. These are professionals trained to act and behave according to professional standards. And so, I'd say that hesitating to let your T into your mind and feelings because there hasn't been a warm and trusting relationship established beforehand is as erroneous as trying to impose the same requirement on any other professional with whom you work.

Take care!

>> If you need an abdominal surgery you don't expect to "know" your surgeon other than an introduction and a short chat or two. And then there you are on an operating table very much exposing your most secret places not only to the surgeon but to whoever may be in the operating room.
not the same. In T work, the dyad is the essential component where the work happens. In an operating room I am out cold (I hope!)

T will view your mental innards in the same dispassionate way as your surgeon views your physical insides.
that's fine with me
'
There are no professionals of any kind whatsoever who are expected to, and do, form a serious personal relationship with their clients other than psychological professionals.
I don;t want a serious personal relationship with T!! But I want to interact with a human being; I want a human being to respond like a human being when I ask something, or say something, and not just sit there like a bump on a log. It's not confidence building, as I say, in a place where my confidences are demanded; and it's not respectful, IMO, especially if the client really wants a response. Not a personal relationship, mind you; a response. You expect a response from a business associate; not just from a friend.

Try not to care so much about how this person takes a compliment. In fact, don't give them anymore. Therapy is about you and you are paying for this service. I'm sure you are doing just fine.

Some people treat every email as if it had only a single topic. They reply to the easiest question and ignore the rest. With such people, I prefer to send losts of one-topic emails rather than a single multi-topic email.

So this may be more about T's email style than about her attitude to compliments.

Try complimenting her face to face, and see what happens!

You're right, SAWE. There is a substantial difference. But because of the need (as we're told by all schools of psychology) for independant searching and finding on the part of the patient for effective change, a T simply can't have the same kind of relationship with a patient as the patient could have with a friend or family member. Each T figures out where their boundaries have to be, based on their own professional judgment, for the therapeutic benefit of their patients. And different T's set different boundaries. I myself have been through several different kinds. But all of them stop far short of what anyone could call a "close personal relationship."

Quote:

T will view your mental innards in the same dispassionate way as your surgeon views your physical insides.

But that very lack of response is what some T's (not all) feel is utterly necessary, nay, required! if a patient is going to make real progress. And I can understand and respect that. Keep in mind, though, that different T's are different. And if a patient really dislikes their T's style they can move on to another one. I guess what's being argued about here is really whether all T's have an absolute obligation to offer all of their patients the kind of relationship that you seek. And I really don't think they do, having significant experience with T's on both sides of the line.

Take care!

I think therapy is about you. Perhaps she was sitting there wondering what you are really trying to communicate. Plus how you feel now about the situation is much more important than how we feel about it. You were trying to give away a part of yourself to her and she is doing you the greatest honour of allowing you to reclaim it. You don't have to be anyway with her you are both enough just as you are, no extra compliments are needed.

Back to the compliments thing.

I did come to the juncture of wondering outright and openly whether my Ts unwillingness (yes, that was the word that we settled on) to take in a compliment was a power thing.

Refusal to accept something IN ...something given in all freeness from a "client" or patient,as a gift struck me as anti-therapeutic in the extreme.

In one session, struck by total gratitude, I said with tears welling up, "thank you so much for helping with this issue,which has confounded me all my life."

Nothing. No acknowledgment, no refusal, just the old blank slate.

It was all over but the shoutin'

That's just me. Therapy is about me, but not just me.

Sometimes I think that therapists don't respond because they are as confused and uncomfortable as most us are when someone compliments us. . . . ie. What does this person mean when they say this?

Personally, I think it's a knowledgable and confident therapist who is able to respond to comments like this. It isn't just about him/her saying, "thanks!" It's about him/her acknowledging the feeling and then exploring what it means to the client. I know I'm not making a lot of sense here, but it truly is a therapist who is comfortable in their skin who is able to address and explore any and ALL topics brought up by the client. I think our therapists can be really good in some areas but when it comes to compliments and expressions of love and connection that a lot get as squirmy as the rest of us!

thank you. I really, really REALLY get this.

I am curious what your T would say if you asked her flat out why she doesn't accept compliments, or acts like nothing was said. Please let me know if you ask Take care.

Wow I am surprised at some of the T's reactions. One day I thanked my T in an email after a session for changing my life and he emailed me back and said thanks for sharing, you put a big smile on my face. It made me feel good about being open with him.