[precious things]

Why do symptoms (in my case panic, anxiety, isolation, ed) get SO much worse a few months into therapy? It's like I need to have a great big bender of my crazy before I can attempt to heal. I hate this.

Does this happen to anyone else? Does it get better if you keep going (that's what my t says)? This is probably my most honest attempt at therapy and I have fleeting moments of *hope* that I found the dr. for me, but I am wondering if it is even worth it when I make such a bigger mess of things.

Yes, it definitely has been happening to me. And yes, it does get better. Others who have been in therapy for longer might have other experiences to share, but I've been at it for coming up on 8 months, and I can see things becoming better, but not without having gone through a LOT of major pain, depression, despair, anxiety, etc. I started feeling much worse after a short while, when I actually had to think about and talk about all the painful things that I came to therapy for.

My T says the same thing, that it does get better if you stick with it, but the only way through it is, well, to go through it. You can't just skip the pain. I can see that therapy is very much a roller coaster, there will always be ups and downs and setbacks even after starting to feel better.

Hang in there as best as you can. Acknowledge that it does hurt, that what you're feeling is awful, but normal, and remind yourself that there is dawn after the darkness.

[GoodPoint]

This happens to me too, and I think it's quite common. For people who have a history of using unhealthy/self-destructive coping mechanisms, it's natural to gravitate more towards them when you become more emotionally vulnerable (i.e. talking about difficult stuff in therapy).

The beginning of a new therapy relationship is really intense... retelling your life story to someone you just met, bringing up all your old issues to the surface. The first month with my new T, I experienced a spike in ED symptom usage (which was already quite high to begin with). It wasn't until several weeks in that we even tried to start dealing with those on any concrete level... because the first several weeks she was just trying to learn everything about me and my past. I'm going on month 4 now and things have settled a little bit... but I also have a weird tendency to get uncomfortable with any level of progress, so it is usually an up and down kind of thing.

It's like I need to have a great big bender of my crazy before I can attempt to heal.

^^This too. I think on some level, I knew the first month or so with my new T we wouldn't be so focused on actual symptoms, so I kind of used that to my advantage. As an excuse to have one last Big Hurrah of Crazy! oh, if only it really WAS the last big one...

[SoupDragon]

I have learned that all those unhelpful "behaviours" that I have had, have served me well in hiding from all the tough memories and emotions and allowing me to function in life at some level.

In T we are asked to look at those things, to strip away all our defences and therefore it follows that we are going to start to feel that painful stuff and have to rely on our familiar coping strategies to get us through, to allow us to continue to function, so in my experience both the symptoms and intensity of behaviouurs to control them become worse.

However T is also about learning to sit with those feelings without feeling overwhelmed, to reduce the intensity of the feelings we may have in repsonse to trauma and so again in my experience, over time not only do the feelings become less intense and therefore the need to escape them becomes less urgent, I am also slowly learning strategies to manage the symptoms in a healthier way.

Although I still have a way to go, certainly some of the old faithful coping things sre easier to ignore right now, so yes I think it is darkest before dawn and as posted above, hang on to the fact that dawn does come, always.

[Perna]

Yes, the whole darkest before dawn and light at the end of the tunnel images apply, I found. You have to wade through the swamp if you want to get to the "other" side (where the ground is higher). I pictured my therapy as going through a large forest and often accidentally stepping off the path :-) My T was before me, showing the way or, sometimes behind me and trying to keep up with me (not good for me to be leader, I don't know where I'm going :-) but there's a quote I love, "the adventure doesn't begin until you get into the forest" that kept me going. Think of all the find-one's self stories/fairy tales where people go on quests; you have to do the whole thing.

[CantExplain]

One of the first steps is to stop all the denial and face your real feelings.

That's like ripping off a bandage. It hurts!