How often do you think of your T?

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 04:50 AM

...or is it easier to count the times you don't......or is it just me.

I am not sure what is going on with me now, my mind is continuing to make links with all sorts of thing - like the "pacman" game, these links being created at speed in my head.

And now T features in most of them - for example my T told me about a female friend of his (it was a relevant reference) and I then thought about my ex and his female "friend" and somehow my mind thinks there is a link there, I can't really put it into words better than that - but I just want T out of my head and feel very confused.

At the end of those thoughts is the "That's it I want to stop this stupid therapy, what a waste of money to just self indulge and think of painful things".

I can shove all those thoughts somewhere and switch off, but when I look they are still there.

I am not sure what I am saying really - maybe normally this would be the rambly e-mail I would send to T, but I refuse to feel dependent on him and plus it is about him so that would be way too risky.

Soup

sittingatwatersedge · Feb 03, 2012, 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

... "That's it I want to stop this stupid therapy, what a waste of money to just self indulge and think of painful things"....

((((( soup ))))) thinking of painful things doesn't seem like self indulgence to me; after all, you're thinking of them so that they will lose their power over you & you won't have to think of them so much ever again.

ETA: forgot to say - I think of the therapy all the time, but about T2 directly, I think of her when I get quiet time. I talk to her in my heart, who are you? etc. It's actually very painful at the moment.

Feb 03, 2012, 06:29 AM

It's definitely not just you soup.

I would say I think about her all the time. Except that I don't think it's always active thinking. For the majority of the time I am focusing on other things. But she's always there with me. Over the Christmas break I even found I was chatting away to her mid-thought. So my head looked something like: blah blah random thought blah blah planning blah blah love you T blah blah. As if she was in the room with me.

I understand what it's like to try to fight the needing and wanting, and for it to feel like a losing battle. Now, with T, is the first time I have surrendered to love. I decided to allow myself to love her and need her. I was truly afraid that it would swallow me whole. But actually it freed me to live. Loving her takes much less energy than fighting love. Plus it feels so much happier. And with that extra energy, I work and see friends and build the life I wanted all along.

A key part of the third wave cognitive behaviour therapies is recognising that sometimes it's not our feelings that are causing us to suffer, but our feelings about our feelings. Or our thoughts about our thoughts. That was certainly true for me. Loving T wasn't making me suffer. But the shame and fear I felt about loving her was causing me deep suffering. So i dealt with the shame and fear, but hung onto the love.

I just wonder, if you took the risk and 'surrendered' to the 'dependence'... if you ditched your feelings about your feelings and your thoughts about your thoughts... would it be worse than what you're experiencing now? Could it be?

FourRedheads · Feb 03, 2012, 06:40 AM

All.The.Time.

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 06:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

((((( soup ))))) thinking of painful things doesn't seem like self indulgence to me; after all, you're thinking of them so that they will lose their power over you & you won't have to think of them so much ever again.

ETA: forgot to say - I think of the therapy all the time, but about T2 directly, I think of her when I get quiet time. I talk to her in my heart, who are you? etc. It's actually very painful at the moment.

Thanks SAWE, I do hope they lose their power, I guess I am just good at trying to hide them away. And sorry things are painful for you at the moment

Soup

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Improving

So my head looked something like: blah blah random thought blah blah planning blah blah love you T blah blah. As if she was in the room with me.

This made me smile that is so how it is for me (apart from substitute the word love for something a little less open

)

Yes I agree that the thoughts about the thoughts, feelings about the feelings are maybe the worse thing, could it be worse? Maybe saying it out loud will somehow make it more real, but I am not sure.

I have never contemplated not fighting these feelings - I have just realised that love at any level is just too scarey and confusing for me - but what if I could just stop fighting, what might happen.....definitely something for me to think about.

But what if I allow these feelings to develop, maybe it would allow me to be more open with T - but then it is a business arrangement isn't it? How does that work? I don't share with my doctor, dentist, car mechanic that I love them (not that I do love them of course

) but how can I feel for someone who is doing a job for me - it just doesn't make sense.

Thank-you for your food for thought -

Soup

Screenager · Feb 03, 2012, 06:57 AM

Constantly, and even if not directly, she's still there somewhere, e.g. "I wonder what T would think of this".

Though I have to say that I don't work right now, I spend most of my time by myself and I have a crush/dependence on T, so all of the thoughts are justified and there's a lot of time for them.

lostmyway21 · Feb 03, 2012, 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

All.The.Time.

I second this.

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 06:59 AM

So is this normal then? Is my T just patiently waiting for me to declare my obsession? Does he know that is how I am feeling anyway? Is it part of that damned process?

shoez · Feb 03, 2012, 07:06 AM

I think about my T when I wake ...thinking about how I wish I could tell her everything.
I think about my T when I panic..and shes my last drop of hope in my mind
I think about my T at night..when the memories get worse.

all the time.
all the time.
and it sucks. wish I didnt need her.

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 07:08 AM

I also wonder who's shared this with their T? How did you do it? What did your T say?

granite1 · Feb 03, 2012, 08:10 AM

i so want to know if this is normal because it seems these days i think about my T quite often. mostly it is thinking about her and wondering how things will go in the up comming session.will she hate me,will she be angry,what can i say to her,etc....i never ust to think much about any of it other then OH GOD I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS

sweepy62 · Feb 03, 2012, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

...or is it easier to count the times you don't......or is it just me.

I am not sure what is going on with me now, my mind is continuing to make links with all sorts of thing - like the "pacman" game, these links being created at speed in my head.

And now T features in most of them - for example my T told me about a female friend of his (it was a relevant reference) and I then thought about my ex and his female "friend" and somehow my mind thinks there is a link there, I can't really put it into words better than that - but I just want T out of my head and feel very confused.

At the end of those thoughts is the "That's it I want to stop this stupid therapy, what a waste of money to just self indulge and think of painful things".

I can shove all those thoughts somewhere and switch off, but when I look they are still there.

I am not sure what I am saying really - maybe normally this would be the rambly e-mail I would send to T, but I refuse to feel dependent on him and plus it is about him so that would be way too risky.

Soup

i think of my t alot and i hate that i do that because i dont want to be dependant on thoughts, i also wanted to quit therapy alot but its because i dont want to face stuff or like i said develope some kind of emotional dependance for which would be another therapy issue

Silent_tsol · Feb 03, 2012, 09:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I am not sure what is going on with me now, my mind is continuing to make links with all sorts of thing - like the "pacman" game, these links being created at speed in my head.

Soup, THIS IS ME. I'm going to have to tell T that my brain is like a game of Pacman - she finds it funny that I need an analogy for everything but this one is perfect!!!

I think about being in therapy alllll the time but not really T as a person. Maybe because I'm still "new" to this...

pbutton · Feb 03, 2012, 09:45 AM

I am constantly thinking about therapy and having conversations with T in my head. Half the time these fake conversations are about how I don't want to talk to him. How crazy is THAT??

struggling2 · Feb 03, 2012, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

But what if I allow these feelings to develop, maybe it would allow me to be more open with T - but then it is a business arrangement isn't it? How does that work? I don't share with my doctor, dentist, car mechanic that I love them (not that I do love them of course

) but how can I feel for someone who is doing a job for me - it just doesn't make sense.

I wonder this all the time. Everybody says its a relationship and not just a business arrangement and I get that because it is BUT it is a relationship that is so so so important to us as the client so its scary. I try try try to think of it as, yes this is her job but hey, we all have to have jobs. we have to make money to live and she is no different. she just gets to make money at something that is really important to her, which is helping people and caring about people. if you have a good T i dont think they can be good and it just be a job to them. they cant go through the motions and be a good T. i dont where im going with this....theres alot more i wanted to say but the words arent forming together...imagine that! story of my life! either way, i know how you feel.

unaluna · Feb 03, 2012, 11:00 AM

See, now THIS is the part I don't get. When T was in our shoes at this point in T's own therapy, this question surely came up. Oh!

I guess we COULD ask T and they would tell us what it was like for them to be constantly thinking of their T? EXCEPT THAT - for them, they have a book in front of them that tells them to expect these "ten standard" reactions to therapy, which makes it less embarrassing when they do, like pooping when you give birth. WHERE IS OUR BOOK??? Good thing we have each other. Anyway, I think the final outcome of thinking about T all the time is, we eventually replace the negative messages in our head (you're so stupid! you can't do anything right!) (i guess THOSE are still there!) with
his unconditional positive regard (i'm so glad to see you! you're the smartest person in any room! thank you! I love your smile! It's okay to make a mistake! ). So there's a method to this madness!

pbutton · Feb 03, 2012, 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

I also wonder who's shared this with their T? How did you do it? What did your T say?

I told T I talk to him in my head all the time. He said I should start journaling.

Yeah, totally the same thing.

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

, like pooping when you give birth.

Thank goodness for caesarians - I had two of them.

Yes I forget that T has gone through this process, that makes me even more sure that he knows how I am feeling.

Actually I don't know what I am feeling, I just know he is there in my head right now.

Feb 03, 2012, 11:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pbutton

I told T I talk to him in my head all the time. He said I should start journaling.

Yeah, totally the same thing.

My T warned me near the beginning of therapy that I would start talking to him in my head. He said it's actually a goal of therapy that he become a "character" in my head and in my internal conversations. He said that was one of the ways we would know I was done with therapy -- when I could have the conversation with him in my head and know accurately what his response would be, and then be able to act on it and incorporate the healthy response to the situation into my life, without ever having to actually talk to him about it.

SallyBrown · Feb 03, 2012, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hankster

EXCEPT THAT - for them, they have a book in front of them that tells them to expect these "ten standard" reactions to therapy, which makes it less embarrassing when they do, like pooping when you give birth.

OMG.

I love this.

Transference is TOTALLY pooping when you give birth.

unaluna · Feb 03, 2012, 11:18 AM

MKAC, you have the greatest T! That sounds like the kind of info snoopdog is asking for from her T, but never gets.

SoupDragon · Feb 03, 2012, 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

My T warned me near the beginning of therapy that I would start talking to him in my head. He said it's actually a goal of therapy that he become a "character" in my head and in my internal conversations. He said that was one of the ways we would know I was done with therapy -- when I could have the conversation with him in my head and know accurately what his response would be, and then be able to act on it and incorporate the healthy response to the situation into my life, without ever having to actually talk to him about it.

That's really interesting MKAC - so maybe I am getting near to the end of therapy - yes I can see how in life if I am faced with a difficulty I can picture myself in that room and just imagine talking it through with T.

SD