How do I get past disappointment in my T?

You might have read that my T did something recently that made me question whether she knows and understands me, thereby shattering my faith in her as a therapist. I was so convinced that if I had any hope of becoming the person I wanted to be, she would be the one to guide me there. I thought there was FINALLY someone who got me, which made me feel less alone in this dark, cruel world.

I do very much love my T. My feelings for her are unchanged. But a large part of me either wants to quit therapy or find another T who could get me. I don't want to remain seeing her solely because I am so attached to her. I ask myself, is there a point in continuing to see her if she doesn't know me after all the time we have spent together?

Maybe I am being too harsh. maybe she does know me. Maybe she was just "off" and made a mistake. How do I get past believing I was wrong about her all along?

I missed your post about what happened, crazycanbegood, could you remind me for this new thread?

I understand the need to be understood. That is one of my biggest urges.

I also deal with a pretty much all or nothing world, I have a good psychologist (I see her very rarely but she is pretty great), but when she messes up I dwell on it for ages. When we have different opinions likewise. I just so much want a sort of open line where she gets exactly what I'm saying. Between I see her sometimes, I make the misunderstandings bigger and the help from her smaller, just to sort of be reminded the next time how good she actually is.

Yea, I expect perfection. I know it is not possible. But as I let time pass, I sort of "forget" the bad, and finally I think I can form a more nuanced image.

Sometimes time will tell, and further experience with the person, what that person is really like. If the good will override the bad. If this IS a good person, understanding and so on. I don't know you, but don't change therapists in affect, if changing, do it when you're most stable.

And good luck.

... i'm wondering if you went to your appointment or if you skipped after what happened and what role either of those has with how you are feeling now? i think the only way to try and get through this is to first see if ... the disappointment in T is justified or not by talking about it with her; and maybe even asking just this, how do you get past this disappointment in her. the two of you have been together awhile and have had a good relationship in the past; so if you can, give her a chance in this to work through it if you can and if she really really doesnt know you ... which i hope she does! ... then maybe it is time to move forward and find someone who will help and also then you'd have the advantage of finding someone who lived a bit closer if it does come to that. Either way; i know this has to be very hard and painful because you are questioning something that means and has meant such a lot to you

What may help you out is to just remember that T is a human.
And it is OK to be a human. And actually, if a person thinks about it, they can probably think of times in their own life when they messed up about something relating to family or close friends.

When I had some of my pain thinking about my T not knowing something I told him many times, I thought about how I did the same thing with my own best friend in the past. That helped me to be more gentle with my T. Some Ts are so afraid of making a mistake that alienates the client that all they do is sit there and nod the whole time or ask the client yet another question. They don't even ATEMPT to engage in human conversation which they could mess up.

kitten, T told me to watch something that traumatized me. She thought I would enjoy it and then when I said I was upset, she didn't fully understand why.

jimrat, I have bad black and white thinking. I didn't consider I was doing that now. Maybe I am holding her to a too high standard.

Tiger, your advice is good. It's hard to reconnect though when i see her so little. I didn't go to my appointment today. I really do want to continue seeing her because I need to have faith in her ability. Otherwise, I am paying someone who lets me live in a mommy fantasy.

Is it really holding T to a too high standard if I expect for her not only to know what I've told her but to know that some things are the embodiment of my pain and misery?

Sorry I missed your earlier post. I am not up to speed on what happened. All I can say is read her these posts on PC. Totally fill her in on what happened, your true feelings, and what you are thinking of doing. Include her in everything and then solve the problem with her as a team. She might be able to give you better advice and insight than we can offer. Also, she deserves to know what is on your mind. It might feel risky to do this, but I think it's your best option. Also, if you do it this way, it won't come back to haunt you later. Do you understand?
dazeofdolphins

You have very much idealized your T up until now, and now you are faced with reality. Your T is not the perfect person you created in your mind. She goofed. She misread things. She didn't predict you would be triggered that way. Those don't seem to indicate incompetence or a lack of skill. They don't indicate she doesn't care. You are going to have to decide if you can tolerate imperfection in your T. Can you forgive her for her humanness. Until you sit down with her and talk this through, you will probably struggle with this, so the sooner you go see her the better for your peace of mind. My prediction is that once you do, you will recognize that your T is exactly the same person she was before though your view of her may be more realistic, and you will find peace with this and move forward.

I really appreciate your insight, but I haven't idealized my T other than wanting her to be my mom (and even then I joke with her that I probably would have fought constantly with her if she were my mo). She has made many mistakes, where she has hurt or angered me. I have accused her of various things. In fact, we had a mini rupture just two weeks, where she hurt me. We have had several ruptures. Plus, my T is not formal at all with me, so I am able to see the real non-T side of her on a regular basis. But this mistake she has made is so fundamental to my work with her that it forces me to question her ability to help me. I absolutely know she loves and cares me, had my best interest at heart, and would do anything for me.

You could take a break from this one and give others a try out to see if there is a difference for you.

i may just take a break. the idea of starting all over right now overwhelms me.

How long have you been with this T? A break may not be a bad thing for you. I can really hear your pain in your words.

So how, and or how well, were these recent ruptures repaired? I'm a person who would previously say "that's it" and the relationship would be over, and not talk things out, because of some inexcusable thing, because that's how my parents controlled us kids.

But to have a r/s in the real world, which is what therapy is - I look at something like this as practice in how to handle a romantic partner disappointing you, not being "perfect" (for you) - do you just break up, or see if it's survivable? I KNOW now I have the skills AND strength to do this, because I went thru it with T.

Chopin, we've been working together for 2.5 years, most of which 2x or 3x or more a week.

Hankster, for the last ruptures we talked a lot about them, well one or two sessions, maybe a phone call, maybe some exchanged emails. Then i would decide that whatever it was no longer matters to me or is not so important considering how much T means to me and helps me. And on her side, when I angered her or frustrated, she would tell me and we might talk about it. I just feel that this is different because in the past, except on one cassion, I never felt the core of our relationship had been shaken. I never truly doubted whether she could help me.

ETA: Whenever any of the ruptures have been repaired, I completely moved on and forgot them easily once I decided to move on, which is nothing I ordinarily am not capable of doing.

Well, maybe i'm a romantic therapy fool, but my rupture was so AMAZINGLY repaired - it brought us closer, blah blah blah - i'm not getting that sense at all from you? Repairs should be more than "agree to disagree". They replicate the sequence of infant being in distress, mother fixing it, and mother and baby being happy together again.

Whoa. This is probably my own thing interfering here, but I just got the picture in my head - "and this is NOT going to happen with two women" - not with MY mother, anyway, she always has to win, apparently even in breastfeeding. Whew, sorry for that scary interlude.

You know, it is scary, personal, embarrassing stuff. Can you (or did you) tell her you doubt her? Or do you fear telling her will destroy the r/s? P.s. feel free not to answer

We have grown closer and closer. We have an amazing bond, so I must infer that our ruptures have been amazingly repaired. Few are so grateful for the presence of someone as I am for my T!

I've never flat out told her I doubted her. I have asked her a few times in the past if she felt capable of helping me. I have criticized or questioned her decisions or comments on several occasions. I emailed her before asking if she knew me, to which she did not respond. Then today, I emailed her that I was upset because I feel she doesn't know and understand me, which makes me feel sad and alone.

I don't think anything could destroy our relationship, unless I was being outright malicious towards her. We truly have been through A LOT. Even if I decided I didnt want her for my T, she would always remain a very special person to me and I'd remain in touch with her.

Gotta do it in person. You'll know "it" is happening by the the way the light looks in the room. It gets all shimmery and hazy and golden. Just like in the movies! You have to be there to hear the answers, accept her limitations. It is extremely intimate. This is the conversation everyone here is avoiding. Well, until they do it.

well i didnt go today and i wont be able to see her for at least 3 weeks from now. part of the reason i didnt go is because i didnt want to be distracted by emotions, like missing her and wanting her to be my mom

Crazy- I can relate to this. It sounds like you are so disappointed because if she recommened something that could be so detrimental to you it must mean. A)she doesn't really care or probably more like B) she doesn't even understand the level and gravity of my situation that she would has such an oversight.

********Trigger*********

This has happened a few times in my therapy. One is so shocking that I am not sure I should say it because everyone will think that my t is an idiot. He's not an idiot but this was definately an idiot thing to say. He was trying to brainstorm ways for me to get my rage outside of me and not do things to hurt myself by cutting and pulling out my hair (trich). He told me to go buy a gun and a target and learn how to shoot it. I looked at him and said, "Are you kidding me? You must want me to die! I have had three major su attempts where I almost succeeded in each one. I have had 5 72hr committments in my life. I don't even think you can own a gun in my state if you have a record of 72s. And he knew about all of that before he suggested the gun. I know he just was thinking along the lines of me doing something intense and destructive outside of my body. I was pretty hurt about his lack of concern for my welfare. And it did confirm to me that he did overlook the issue of poor impulse control which was clearly evident.

I shared this with you Crazy, because my t has proven to be a very competent t. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have just picked a place out of the phone book and told the front desk person I need the person most experienced in anger management. He is so good at what he does that if I didn't like him so much I would recommend him to anyone I know that needs a t. But I don't share. He's just a special treasure for me. He has said bonehead things many, many times but I truly believe it is just a lapse in judgement and not fundamentally about t's competents (both my t and yours). Anyway, research has proven that it is the integrity of the relationship that predicts a positive therapy outcome. If you can communicate with your t just how much she scared you with her mess up maybe she could make a repair. I know you have a solid foundation with her. I'd advocate for you to try and work this out before seeking out a new t. Good Luck!

I definitely hear you. When the relationship is kinda shaky anyway, it's really easy to feel as though the rug has just been pulled out from under. I've even felt like a trapdoor opened under me. Things like that have happened to me in therapy and in most relationships actually.

Things that leave you asking "What could you have possibly been thinking, I mean Really, Really?"

So, given all possible scenarios as to why this occurred I think the two most likely are that (1) Your therapist knows you quite well, just wasn't thinking OR (2) She really didn't know how you would react.

If it's the first, it completely sucks, but - well, that's how people are. Thoughtless sometimes. Amazing at other times. Sometimes you have to look at the entire relationship, figuring in the good and bad, to get a perspective. A lapse in thought is not murder, it's just a thoughtless moment, it certainly doesn't mean she's that way all the time.

Now if it's the second scenario, then is that more problematic? Maybe, but maybe not. Even for the most highly trained therapist in the world, human reactions to things are just about impossible to predict I think. No matter how well your therapist may know you, it's still entirely feasible that your reaction surprised her. People can be like mine field sometimes - all people. You never know what's going to happen. Some people just have more mines in the field you know? It is what it is.

The good thing about the above scenario is that, let me promise you this, ONCE you do tell her, she WILL know - and know it well. You can become much much closer as a result.

Putting aside the mine field example for a moment, my therapist once told me that getting to know people is like watching a rose bloom, you get to see fold after fold open up. Yeah, the rose bush has thorns, but what a beautiful creation.

I would definitely give her a chance to see the flower in full bloom.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your replies.

it is just so hard for me to consider that my T doesn't know me as well I thought she did. It has really shaken me to my core. I have trusted this process more because I thought she fully understood me and knew what to do to help me.

I understand that people have lapses in judgement. But she didn't get even after I told her that what she recommended me had upset me.

I sent her several emails yesterday detailing how I feel. She is not in the dark. I will wait for her reply. She mentioned in one email on Friday when I told her I would not be coming to our session that she doesn't want her actions to have damaged our relationship. I don't know. I don't know. Of Course, I will always love her, but setting that love aside, I NEED someone who can help lift me out my misery.

Thanks, ellie. In one of my emails, I told T that I considered she didn't view the thing in the same way because I am really sensitive or that she wasn't thinking about my issue at the moment of the recommendation because she made the recommendation casually during a phone call, outside a regular session. I keep going back to her response though when I freaked out and asked her why she thought I would enjoy her recommendation.

I just received an email from her. She said again it was a lapse in judgment and not to take it as her not understanding me. She said she didn't think it through and if she had, she wouldn't have recommended it. She wants to talk so she can work through this together. She offered this evening. it'd be by phone because I live far away.

I don't know. I can't accept the claim that she didn't think it through. She recommended that I watch something that is SO, SO bad. I mean, many people would be disturbed by it and not recommend (emotionally stable even) people watch it. It was SO horrifying!

I still think it's a good opportunity to practice saying really uncomfortable things and living through your own and the other person's reactions. How often do you get this chance? Well, me almost never, cuz I don't get out much!