How do I get past disappointment in my T?

So you believe she is lying to you? Are you at all willing to accept her explanation and more importantly her apology? She seems quite willing to accept responsibility for her error and to talk openly about this situation. Are you willing to meet her halfway or are you needing this to be the end?

Okay, I hear you. It was bad. And you clearly get to decide how you want to handle this. I don't know, it may go beyond a mistake.

I would encourage you to consider 2 things:

Is it so bad that it derails everything? Is a recommendation of a horrible movie the thing that ends it all?

and

Is there something else going on here that you are putting on this movie? Is this really about the movie? Has something unspoken about her been bothering you? You mention a lot that you have to travel so far to see her. Are you really angry about that? or something else?

Wow, you are direct! Thanks for forcing me to think. I don't think she's lying to me. I think she's not understanding why I am upset. I told her its not about how upsetting the movie was to me, and her email again centered on my having to endure that movie. But yes she is willing to accept responsibility and always has been willing. I am not needing this to end. I would be devastated! What is forcing me considering everything is the fact that I know I love my T so much, I would do nearly anything to remain her client, to the detriment of my progress. My pdoc once suggested I needed someone with a certain skill set, and I let that pdoc have it. It was recommended I do DBT, but when I realized I might not be able to keep my T, I shunned a technique that could probably really help me. I really, really want to get better. Feeling loved by T isn't going to get me better; she must be competent to fix me. I want to be cautious here. I didn't want to see her yesterday because I knew I'd get all caught up in the emotions of seeing her and feeling loved by her. I am trying to be a grown up here.

I don't know if this is so bad it derails everything. I am shaken. I have lost some confidence in her.

The only other thing I could think that may be driving some of my feelings is the issue of my sexuality. She has recommended I follow a certain path, despite my telling her several times I wanted to follow another. I thought my path would make me feel better about my sexuality and feel better accepted by others. Some months ago I independently sought out information on my viewpoint and I carefully have taken steps to do what I wanted to do. Each time I told her I took such a step, she again recommended I take the other path. Finally, I told her my motivations for not following her advice, how I think my way is the right way, and linked her to a T's website that had a my shared viewpoint. She responded that I am right and she has learned from me. Similarly, in regard to another aspect of my sexuality, she has not gotten it and has said that I choosing to focus on something I can't have and thus be miserable about it. It is far more than what I can or cannot have-its a valid feeling and grief. Or she's chosen to describe me in a way I've constantly asked her not to. This above bit occurred the day before I went to see that movie, so that was lurking in the back of mind, that T may be doesn't get what I need to be free and comfortable in my sexuality and how I fit into society.

Btw, I am not saying I won't talk to her. I tried calling her yesterday a couple times. I respect her and value our relationship enough to hear her out and try to see where she's coming from.

If it were me, I would do a session today if by phone or making the drive.
You deserve to get this out in the open.

You know, sometimes we actually can have a great relationship with a T who may also miss the boat on some things. My relationship with T is that way. And you are right, it does force us to consider if the relationship is what we want from a T or not.

But that is the wonderful thing about BUILDING a relationship with T. It takes two.
It gives us a chance to learn how to express our needs to T in a safe way.
And sometimes I think Ts make HUGE mistakes that we just need to bring to their attention. Sometimes they make the same mistake a few times. They are people after all :-) Be honest and be open.

That sounds like what I do so much which is all or nothing thinking... She either cares about me and knows me or she doesn't... I guess the way around thinking you were wrong about her all along is to list all the times she did "get" you and did help you and did care about you...

I don't think the part of the thread that I read said specifically what she did but I'll tell you a story that maybe would relate...

I was in high school and had gone to see a movie. I loved it and thought it was great. My pastor and his wife asked if I thought it would be appropriate for their 11 year old daughter. I said oh sure it was great...
The next time I saw them, they told me they couldn't believe I would recommend that movie...it had curse words in it, violence and sexual inuendo... See I grew up in an abusive home (they didn't know that) so the language and violence didn't even hit my radar as "inappropriate:... I also didn't watch the movie with the intent of deciding whether it was good for their daughter. All of that to say... my evaluation came from my perceptions and not with intention of hurting anyone...

I finally wrote her back to say I will talk to her whenever she wants. I can think of many times she demonstrated that knew me. I do not take issue solely with her recommended movie but also with her response to me about the movie when she just didn't get what upset me about it.

ETA: Not feasible for me to drive to where she is. When I do visit her, I go by bus.

crazycanbegood, I'm wondering whether there are almost two issues here.

The first is the immediate one, which is that your T misjudged a situation and recommended a triggering movie to you, leaving you deeply shaken and wondering whether she had ever truly 'known' you.

But the second is a genuine concern about whether your current therapy, close and loving though it undoubtedly is, is enabling you to get the most out of therapy. I wonder whether this second nagging question is there all the time, in the background, but only comes to the foreground when you have a rupture with T. Which complicates matters, because then T, and others here, and even you, assume that it is a knee-jerk response to the rupture, rather than a legitimate question. And you focus on repairing the rupture, and then when things are good again, you feel too good to return to the uncomfortable question about whether what feels good is what is most helpful?

This may be way off base, and if it is, feel free to stop reading now! I only wonder, because I have had similar experiences. I *do* wonder whether my therapy is as rigorous and challenging and helpful as it could be. And though this question is hard to face when all I want to do is bask in T's love, I do force myself to face it again and again. So far, each time I have come away with the answer that T loving me, and me loving T, with all its limits and lessons and joy and heartbreak, is the core of the work. I feel justified in concluding this because (a) we are using rigorous evidence-based frameworks which have been shown to be effective for my difficulties, and (b) I, and others, can see the astonishing changes in my life, every day. If (a) or (b) stop being true, I would seriously challenge myself to find something that would better help me.

Thank you, improving. I glad you brought up your latter point. She has helped me tremendously and my friends have told me how much I have changed. I see a difference in myself. So, maybe it doesn't matter that she isn't the best T I can have.

This is the bit I think you need to explore. Is this an enduring concern for you, or does it come up only when T shows that she is a less than perfect mother/nurturer. If it is an ongoing concern, then perhaps you need to make full use of this opportunity to explore it properly, rather than rushing to repair the rupture and return to how you were before.

I think what I haven't quite understood is whether you are saying that although the relationship with T is lovely, you're concerned that the therapy itself is not the best for you, or whether you are saying that T is not the best T you can have because you believe there is someone who could be like this T but more perfect??