follow up on today's sessions, journaling question, abuse mentioned

My t session went very well today. We got a lot accomplished. We are focusing on dealing with the csa now, and I managed to hang in there without asking to stop or leave the room. T has asked me to journal my memories when I am ready and able. Right now I am neither ready nor able. I need some encouragement from any of you who have had positive growth with journaling memories.

Also, I went to my pdoc appointment today. She made med changes because the mood swings still aren't under control, especially the depression end. I follow up with both t and pdoc in two weeks.

By the way, we got a new puppy, which is really helping my mood!

Bluemountains

Puppies are great

I found it "relatively" easy to journal memories - but realise this was in a detached "reporting" style - almost third person - it is being there in those memories that I cannot do with T, it is those times I dissociate.

But maybe just getting them on paper is a starting point.

Thanks for updating us on your appointments and hope the med changes are helpful to you.

SD

I'm happy for you that you had a good session. I guess I'm like soup.. I have a hard time like Soup being able to do anything more than report the incidents... what has been most helpful is when I'm able to write not only what happened but if I can write how I felt at the time...those were the most helpful journaling times..

Puppies are wonderful... what kind do you have? we have a golden retreiver..of course she is a grand old lady now....

I can offer encouragement about writing the memories! I've done it a couple of times and it has been a huge help in my healing. The first couple of times I did this was as structured exposure therapy (because I was unable to even think about what happened, it scared me so much). After a lot of that kind of processing, I was still bothered by the memories and the trauma symptoms, and we switched to a journaling type of documentation. That helped, too--I even saved the pages.

It helped me feel like it was contained--a past event that could be controlled and remembered at will, because it's up to me whether I open the book and remember. I am much more able to control my memories now, and I don't feel like they are nearly as intrusive. I also feel like I understand that what happened *mattered* and was important, but I don't feel so much like it's the most important thing about me, which it had felt like for so long when I kept quiet about it.

My advice would be to trust your T to help you decide when you are ready to take this task on, and know your warning signs for when it's time to take a break, because it is distressing to do. My T and I rationed it out to a certain amount of writing per week and agreed I would do it the night before my appointment so as to minimize my distress.

We adopted a dog from the spca-a retriever/shepherd mix. We also own a 9-yr. old shi tzu. If I could figure out how to copy an image onto the page I would.
Bluemountains

Here is another idea for journaling difficult memories. When I write about a negative experience, sometimes I focus on the things around the room it took place in. It might not work with csa, but it has helped me with other sexual issues and with abandonment issues. To do this, kind of picture you have a zoom in your memory. Zoom in on the negative memory; when it starts to hurt too much, zoom out. Are you in a house? What state? Is it spring or winter? Etc. Describe all of that; that's important. When you get a deep breathe and can try again, zoom in. And so forth.

Now, bluemountains, here is a silly childish example. I used to have a recurring nightmare that my father would seat me very high up in the air and then push me down--I was falling, screaming for him, but he WAS RUNNING AWAY! I would wake up from this dream in a panic. You know, it took until I was 45 years old for me to figure it out? I used the zoom method. As my father pushed me and I began screaming, I looked zoom. There were trees, so it was somewhere outdoors. I was almost as high as the trees so I saw them very well. I zoomed to see where my father was running or maybe why.....to make a long story short....it was a park playground. He was pushing me at the top of a slide, and then he was running away SO HE COULD MEET ME AT THE BOTTOM TO CATCH ME! Isn't that a beautiful story? I know you have difficult problems, and I am not trying to make light of them. But I hope that story brings you some kind of peace or help. Love to you.

Thank you shipping, and I don't consider your example silly. I am glad you were finally able to process it and enjoy the memory. I like the idea of going to the setting, etc. I will try this.
Bluemountains

Bluemoutains,
Congradulations on your journaling I also write alot and save everything.
I would strongly caution visiting places of trauma, as this can cause someone to be triggered and set a person back. Or someone can revisit this place of trauma and see just a building or a house and realize that they are nolonger there. I've experienced both reactions. So I am only advicing extreme caution and stick with journaling and gain confidence and self control in your healing. I'm glad that what you did brought you understanding and resolution.
Happiedasiy