How does your T handle your empathy for them?

So there you are looking at your T. They might grab the 10th Kleenex to wipe their noses with. Or the bags under their eyes are so heavy a porter needs to carry them. Or they tell you they lost their poker game last night. Or they tell you something quite serious. If you express concern for them, how have they reacted?
Mine generally won't look at me, stares at the wall and says nothing... ... (If he were really my friend, I would head over to him and throttle him! Gently of course!) How about you, what has your experience been?

The one time I said something, the one I see said "thank you" and then we went on. She was probably shocked. I was happy to not have the moment prolonged. In general I don't pay much attention to how the therapist is doing and don't consider it my job to say anything or to notice it in most circumstances (although I might be tempted to advise restraint or gambler's anonymous in the case of hearing about poker losses). I would be concerned about me catching something if the kleenex thing occurred.

How does my T handle my empathy for him? I'm pretty sure he wonders where the hell it is & whether or not it actually exists.

One time I was still in social mode from work & returned his "How are you?" by asking him how he was. He replied that he hadn't had much of a chance to sit back and think about it. I responded "Ah. Busy day?" and he just sat and stared at me. Which annoyed me because I don't care for small talk to begin with.

Wow, Velvet, he actually looks away from you and says nothing? That's... weird. My T was sick a couple of weeks ago and had to cancel a session for the first time in years, and the next time I saw him I asked how he was feeling and if he'd had the flu or something, and he politely told me he did have a flu-like thing and a subsequent sinus infection but he was feeling better, and he thanked me for asking. And then we moved on to other things.
The staring at the wall and not answering thing doesn't strike me as a "normal" therapeutic technique -- to me it comes across as his own discomfort.

O/T Don't care for small talk? Me too! Are you an introvert like me?

This staring bit is so rude in my opinion! You are still human beings regardless of context! Sheesh!

At least he thanked you-that's something!
You are right he is uncomfy. Or there is something fascinating on that wall I need to check out!! But he wants it both ways-he told me he appreciated (and needed) my positive feedback!

Stopdog, I agree with you on catching germs for sure! I probably would have excused myself at Kleenex two!
Ok this is where I get confused... if we are supposed to be creating a relationship with this person, how can you not pay attention to them?

I've offered kind words and she's thanked me or praised me for being considerate. A couple times I have hugged her when she was particularly upset. She accepted my empathy like any other person. The difference is that she did not elaborate further than such and such happened.

Ha!Ha!Ha! That's hilarious!!!

In my case, it's the opposite! We spent I don't know how many session discussing the fact that I'm scared to add stuff on his shoulder while he may be in an hard time or whatever. And usually, when I show empathy for him, we explore why I'm having this reaction, what does it mean, what does it make me feel, etc. so it doesn't make it akward at all

I suppose to the extent I believe in the relationship part of interacting with a therapist, I do not believe it is the sort of relationship that requires me to pay attention to how they are doing. Out of all the stuff I do not think is written in stone about what the interaction between a client and a therapist is, the one tenet I do believe is that I pay them to pay attention to me, I do not pay them for me to take care of them. I tend to believe if the therapist is sick or losing money or sleep - they need to figure out a way to take care of themselves with their friends and family and it is not any of my business.

She tells me thank you, we always talk a little about how shes doing. Makes me feel better.

[QUOTE=Velvet Cactus;! But he wants it both ways-he told me he appreciated (and needed) my positive feedback! [/QUOTE]

i would interpret positive feedback differently from empathising with a therapist. Positive feedback, for me, would be telling the therapist what was working between us or what they were doing that I found useful. That is not my understanding of empathy. For the record, mine would be even more shocked if I said something positive about the therapy Or her input.

You should try it, stopdog. Try saying something positive to her. Maybe do it on April 1st as an April Fool's joke so you can easily take it back and say "haha, just kidding" if it doesn't work out so well.
By the way, maybe we'd get along better if you changed your name to "Go Dog, Go" instead of stopdog. I like Dr. Seuss.

I can almost see the gears turning, and T redrawing the frames in the air, when I show empathy. I see him thinking, oopsie, how much did I show, how much more should I show, how much do I let her give? So even in my trying to take care of him, he clearly demonstrates he is taking care of me, that my needs come first.

i barely even look at my therapist during sessions, so in that way i don't pay attention. but you can still get a vibe if your T is off their game for a day or whatever...from tone of voice, or maybe how they react to what you're saying, or they are more silent than usual..etc. a few years ago my T had to cancel our session at the last minute because her college friend was killed suddenly She is in her 50s...so you know, they must have been friends for a long time. I felt SO horribly, and didn't want to go back to therapy because my problems can't even begin to compare to that. I went back the next week very reluctantly and nervous. I told her I was so sorry for what happened, and it was awful. She just said "Yes, it really is," and thanked me.

That was it. She seemed fine otherwise--so she must have a good support system. I've noticed over the years that around that time is when I may have a session where it doesn't feel quite right, and i think "oh, well this is probably a hard time," and then move on.

When I called her over the weekend at one point, I came in and apologized or something about bothering her over the weekend. She said "Don't worry about bothering me--that isn't your job." I guess she is right, but I think I am so used to worrying about everyone's reactions to me, that it feels unnatural.

I don't know, she is kind of old. I wouldn't want the shock to kill her.

I did not realize we did not get along. I just thought we approached this stuff differently.

How about Stop Dog Stop. I like Dr. Seuss too:

Stop Dog, Stop.
You cause others to want to Pop
When into threads your dismissive avoidant tendancies drop
Stop Dog Stop

T has had a few deaths in his family since I started seeing him, he's messed up his back, a few colds, etc. I guess he handles empathy just the same as anyone would. We talk about it for a couple of minutes perhaps and then move on.

does it really matter if you pay T to pay attention to your needs? do we not naturally have empathy for others? do you know smile at a stranger who seems sad? feel sorry for a coworker who lost a parent? you needn't be close to your T to care that she, as a fellow human, is in pain.

LOL I like it! Actually I considered asking you about "Stop Dog, Stop" or even "gocat" instead of "stopdog" but Dr. Seuss won.

I probably would not know about the therapist or a stranger. I don't usually think about whether strangers (and I count therapists among them) are sad or not - there is nothing I can do about it and it is none of my business. I do not wish them ill. Plus the question is how does a therapist handle your empathy for them - even if I did have empathy I am unlikely to show it - it is not any of my business. I don't like it when strangers presume to know if I am sad or whatever or intrude upon me if I am- it is none of their business - why would I try to inflict upon them something I dislike?

Plus I did say I did not want to accidentally kill her.

Once t seemed to be having a rough day and I asked if she was okay. She said "don't even ask" which to me kind of confirmed my observations and didn't put me off. I understood she wouldn't express her needs to me but I felt a bit of a connection somehow. Normally, when I express concern about what she has to go through with me she says "I can take care of me and I can help take care of you."

My T knows I'm generally an empathetic person. If I ask her how she's doing, she'll usually tell me the truth (good or bad). When I ask her about her health (since she has a lot of health problems), she'll tell me, but she usually reminds me pretty quickly that we're there for me.

I think I was kind of quivering and cried a little. My T said, very sincerely, "thank you for your empathy." It's not like it was deliberate on my part. I felt empathy, rather than chose to express it.

I do appreciate your wicked-smart sense of humor!

You, know..I am not really sure that there has been much of a chance for empathy. We come in and asks how I am doing, and I always don't know what to say.. Bad, but how are you? lol. One time, he was running particularly late for our session. Once the session started he aplogize for being so late, but said that it had been a crazy day in their office, and he ran down stairs to the fending machine to get food, before he passed out.. LOL.. I said, well that wouldn't be good.. And that was about it.

I suppose as we see each other for a longer amount of time, there will be more chances to offer nice words, etc.