[Daeva]

So I know some of you have seen my posts stating how much I dislike my current therapist (For answering her personal calls during my sessions, talking over me, forgetting my name after 6 months, etc). Today she redeemed herself completely in my eyes and because of this I decided to stay with her.

My anger over the last couple weeks has been building and it's been frightening to everyone around me, including myself. People's patience is wearing thin with me and it's putting everyone on edge. My therapist today decided to push at it and push at it and push at it, until finally I snapped and stood up and screamed at her for 10 minutes. I didn't know why I was so angry it just came a few weeks ago and it took this for it to unveil itself not only to my therapist but to me as well.

She asked me had anything, ANYTHING, at all changed in the last few weeks at first I said no, then I had to revise my statement. Because when I was 14-16 my Mother had a boyfriend who sexually abused me and my Mother knew about it and did nothing and when I went to the cops she made up alibis for him and called me a ***** to the cops. She continued to sleep with this man even after everything for years. Well he just moved in next door. So it's brought all the anger up from the past especially since I know they are still screwing around and thats been building.

My therapist said I was holding onto things which is when I snapped, and ended up screaming:

"Yeah you're ******* right I'm holding on it, that b.... made me miserable every second of the 18 years I had to co-exist with her! She had 22 boyfriends, who all but ONE were physically and/or sexually abusive to me and she never did anything but laugh. You know Why? Cause it doesn't effect her. You see my Mother doesn't give a CRAP about anyone or anything so long as it doesn't negatively effect her. But OH TRUST ME, I am going to make sure it affects her, I'm going to make her as miserable as she made me for the rest of her life until she dies alone and miserable like she deserves! And I understand that it'll make me bitter and ugly inside, but you know what? It's worth it to me, so long as I take her down with me it'll all be worth it to me, so yeah I'm going to hold onto it, I'm going to hold onto it until I can dance on her grave!"

And at the end of my screaming-rant I smashed her glass vase onto the ground, shattering it. Now I've always had a horrible temper, and every therapist I've had has been scared of my temper, one even called security on me. This one...this one wasn't even phased. The only thing she said was "Don't move you are wearing flip flops" she got a broom and swept up the vase. Then sat down and goes "I'm sure it doesn't help your birthday is coming up next week."

So I ended up going on another rant, about how my mother, when I was 13 and asking about my absent father, was mad at me for daring to ask her about who my father was, what his name was, what did he do, how they met etc. As my father left when my mom was pregnant cause he didnt want me (Not my interpretation of it, it's actually the truth he said that to my mom in front of my grandma too who also confirmed it) and I never met or saw him or nothing. He died on my tenth birthday. My mom was pissed I dared ask, then lied to me, made it difficult for me to get answers. Then when I asked if she had a picture of him she lied and said "Cameras didnt exist back then" Back then was 1990 btw. Then when I asked where he was, she laughed and goes "Oh he's dead" and just kept laughing. I was 13 and I stood up as she was laughing and had said quietly "You know when you die, I'm going to laugh." And walked away.

So I went on a rant about that too.
She just quietly took it all in, and when I got done pacing I sat down, did my breathing techniques without being told to, and ended up crying for a few seconds, she handed me some tissues and rubbed my back. And calmed me down a bit, she said she's gonna call me every other day from now on and up my appointments since she doesn't thnk I'm doing well.

But this therapist knew how to deal with my anger, and accepted it and didnt fear or hate me for it. No one else has ever done that, or ever been able to just help with it, if nothing else she stays for that reason.

So my question, out of curiousity, is how does your therapist deal with your anger?

[atisketatasket]

That's awesome she came through like that.

I haven't gotten angry like you have, but when I have gotten angry with therapists a couple have not been able to handle it. Apparently I have a piercing look when I get mad at them and they couldn't cope.

Just two of them, the rest never said anything, just accepted it. In fact they seemed to think any anger was good.

[Daeva]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

That's awesome she came through like that.

I haven't gotten angry like you have, but when I have gotten angry with therapists a couple have not been able to handle it. Apparently I have a piercing look when I get mad at them and they couldn't cope.

Just two of them, the rest never said anything, just accepted it. In fact they seemed to think any anger was good.

Yeah I also think this was how my therapist was thinking, cause she's relatively new to me and I've never expressed any emotion in front of her. Sure I've said "I felt depressed on such and such a day an this is how I felt" but she's never actually seen me in the moment. Never seen my angry, or sad, or crying before. This is the first time I truly let her in. So I think she was happy with the breakthrough of not only that but the breakthrough with my anger issues today.

Honestly now that I did all that I feel so much better. Like it's not a ball in my chest, i feel much lighters and emptier than I did before.

[Elio]

I am terrified at letting my T see my anger, mostly because the only time I've dissociated to the point of losing time was when I was angry and I punched my mother several times. My T knows this, she knows that I worry about doing this again. I've told her that I think she is breakable so she can't see my anger.

I've ranted to her in my journal and described what I'd like to do. I do give her my journal so she's seen these rants. What little she has seen she's been good with. When I bring up that I am angry, she keeps it all about me, which is wonderful. Why am I angry, what led to the anger, where do I feel it in my body. She has not taken any of it personal - at least not to my face.

We'd talked about my anger before, and I had let her know that when I say I need to leave, I need to leave. So one session, things were going along ok for the most. I had started getting more and more distant and more angry with her. Then out of no where, I gathered up my stuff, shaking so badly that I almost couldn't get my stuff in my bag. I stood up abruptly, said I needed to go, she moved back away from the door and let me leave. I came back about 5-10 mins later and asked her if everything was ok between us... and they were. She reassured me that nothing was broken, that we were ok. My session was already over so we didn't continue. I believe she would have continued with the session if there was more time and I wanted to.

I think it is wonderful how your T responded to the vase. I agree, it is something worth holding onto.

[Daeva]

Originally Posted by Elio

I am terrified at letting my T see my anger, mostly because the only time I've dissociated to the point of losing time was when I was angry and I punched my mother several times. My T knows this, she knows that I worry about doing this again. I've told her that I think she is breakable so she can't see my anger.

I've ranted to her in my journal and described what I'd like to do. I do give her my journal so she's seen these rants. What little she has seen she's been good with. When I bring up that I am angry, she keeps it all about me, which is wonderful. Why am I angry, what led to the anger, where do I feel it in my body. She has not taken any of it personal - at least not to my face.

We'd talked about my anger before, and I had let her know that when I say I need to leave, I need to leave. So one session, things were going along ok for the most. I had started getting more and more distant and more angry with her. Then out of no where, I gathered up my stuff, shaking so badly that I almost couldn't get my stuff in my bag. I stood up abruptly, said I needed to go, she moved back away from the door and let me leave. I came back about 5-10 mins later and asked her if everything was ok between us... and they were. She reassured me that nothing was broken, that we were ok. My session was already over so we didn't continue. I believe she would have continued with the session if there was more time and I wanted to.

I think it is wonderful how your T responded to the vase. I agree, it is something worth holding onto.

Ooo I think your T is pretty awesome too. It sounds like she'll be accepting of it as well. And she knows how to handle it from the questions she asks, so maybe she is the right one to work through it with. If you could trust yourself and her a bit more. Cause they do have an emergency thing to do if someone was to hurt them etc. I hope you feel safe enough eventually to deal with it all with her! It sounds like you're going in the right direction with her though

[Out There]

I'm glad your T dealt with that well - I did an empty chair exercise with my EMDR T and a tirade came out. We turn the anger in on ourselves so it's better when it comes out. I find martial arts are good for helping with this , if you punch a pillow or something you just become exhausted then the anger comes back worse - the martial artists would call it losing our centre , so it's like anger release in a calmer way ( I know that sounds weird ).

I had a lot of anger & at the beginning of therapy my therapist was frightened of me because he knew that I didn't really give a **** about anyone. (I have an almost identical past to you, although I was eventually taken into care) He almost terminated me & I had a sense that he would. I asked him if he was frightened of me & he replied.....'I'm very wary of you' He changed his mind though when I shouted at him...'yeah, just give up on me why don't you, you're just like everyone else' We've talked & laughed about it since & he said that he wanted to show me that not everyone in this world would give up on me. I too would have to just get out of the room too & my t would just sit there looking quite relaxed. Sometimes I came back & sometimes I didn't. Sometimes I just needed to pace outside. I'm nearly 4 years on now & I have a lot less (A LOT LESS) anger, although if it's needed, I can easily draw on it! Well done for staying with your t.

[Daeva]

I think part of it was that I really didn't like her, and have been wanting a transfer (only reason I haven't is cause my T quit and it took them 8 WEEKS to transfer me to this one, I dont want to wait all over again). And so if she terminated with me I'd be set. And if she didn't then it was a good sign that anger could be worked on. So for me nothing to lose in bashing her vase and screaming at her in the middle of her office with her only a foot away.

Aw I'm glad he didnt give up on you! It seems to have really helped you and I'm glad

When I let my anger come out not all that long ago she actually said I seemed possessed. Not helpful, t. I'm glad your t handled it so well.

[lucozader]

I don't think anyone should be expected to put up with people treating them in a violent or threatening manner, or breaking their belongings. I would not expect my T to tolerate that kind of behaviour from me.

In fact, he's told me that's the only reason he would ever ask me to leave. If I was physically aggressive towards him or objects in the room.

I'm not judging you for what you did. I tend to get swept away with anger and act out too. I just wouldn't judge your previous therapists either, for feeling threatened. It sounds like they had good reason to believe that you might hurt them.

I've been angry at my T recently, a lot. Sometimes he handles it pretty well. Sometimes he gets defensive. Sometimes I feel like he tries to shut me down. Which is particularly confusing, given that for weeks he tried to encourage me to be angry at him, and asked me many times to express my anger.

He tells me to breathe. But I can't breathe when I'm angry.

I so appreciate how nice it must feel not to feel judged or maligned because of the way you expressed your anger. I don't often act on my anger physically. In fact, I rarely act upon my anger at all. I internalize and stuff my anger down, though I have been physically angry in session once.

It was a few sessions into my work with my current therapist when he first introduced the empty chair technique. My therapist made a mistake, I believe, in assuming that I was either familiar with the technique or had done it in the past. He moved the chair away from its normal spot to an empty space in the middle of the room. He said something vague like, "use the chair to express that anger you have toward..." someone. Probably my mother, but I don't remember who.

So he had me get off of the couch and stood me in front of the chair. "Come on, express the anger." And so not understanding what exactly he was aiming for, I grabbed the chair by both arms and flipped it off of its legs so that the chair back was on the floor. I said something like, "I think that expresses my anger pretty well" and sat back down on the couch.

Instead of T flipping out (which I could understand given the fact that I had just flipped a chair in his office) just responded with, "okay, that helps me to understand your anger better, but that's not quite what I wanted you to do."

It was nice that he never made me feel shame about the incident. I apologized profusely and he said in the moment things like, "no, you misunderstood. I didn't do a good job explaining what I meant. It's okay. I'm sorry."

I'm not sure that would be the response now. There's a lot of transference/countertransference going on between the two of us, and I suspect that if something similar were to happen now that his response would be more in line with "please leave."

My therapist is well able to handle it when I get angry, even if it s her I am angry with.

[Lemoncake]

I grew up thinking it was wrong to be angry and I've raged at him. He's always accepted it calmly and tells me that it's okay to be angry, that not all anger is bad.

Mine doesn't like anger directed at her. She always says it's directed wrongly at her and should be directed at my parents. She says its OK to be angry at them and yet it's not OK to be angry with her.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Mine doesn't like anger directed at her. She always says it's directed wrongly at her and should be directed at my parents. She says its OK to be angry at them and yet it's not OK to be angry with her.

I was able to get around this with the concept of angry 'at' verse 'with'. So I tell my T that I am angry at her. Unless it is really her that I am angry with. It acknowledges that I am angry, I am directing it at T, that T didn't do anything to really receive it, still she is where it is safe for it to sit for the time being while it is being discussed and worked through.

I find it interesting that your statement is the opposite... angry at parents and with T. Might be a language/culture difference.

Originally Posted by Elio

I was able to get around this with the concept of angry 'at' verse 'with'. So I tell my T that I am angry at her. Unless it is really her that I am angry with. It acknowledges that I am angry, I am directing it at T, that T didn't do anything to really receive it, still she is where it is safe for it to sit for the time being while it is being discussed and worked through.

I find it interesting that your statement is the opposite... angry at parents and with T. Might be a language/culture difference.

Interesting! It could be a language thing - as in me not really understanding the difference between "angry with a person" and "angry with a person"

T thinks my anger should be directed towards my parents / at my parents in sessions / that I should be angry with my parents because of their maltreatment of me though it might not be safe to express it to my parents

Yet often I'm angry with / angry at? T indeed, (and express it) usually for things like seeing me once a month instead of our agreed upon fortnightly schedule, a phrase she used which was triggering, the fact that it's her job to care etc.

She thinks I'm displacing anger with / at my parents onto her.

ETA: I do agree often T didn't really do anything to receive my anger, that's something she says often - that she hasn't done anything to hurt me or warrant my anger.

[Daeva]

Originally Posted by lucozader

I don't think anyone should be expected to put up with people treating them in a violent or threatening manner, or breaking their belongings. I would not expect my T to tolerate that kind of behaviour from me.

In fact, he's told me that's the only reason he would ever ask me to leave. If I was physically aggressive towards him or objects in the room.

I'm not judging you for what you did. I tend to get swept away with anger and act out too. I just wouldn't judge your previous therapists either, for feeling threatened. It sounds like they had good reason to believe that you might hurt them.

I've been angry at my T recently, a lot. Sometimes he handles it pretty well. Sometimes he gets defensive. Sometimes I feel like he tries to shut me down. Which is particularly confusing, given that for weeks he tried to encourage me to be angry at him, and asked me many times to express my anger.

He tells me to breathe. But I can't breathe when I'm angry.

I dont think i was threatening to my others T's at all. I was rather attached to them and too scared of losing them to even show them my anger i would raise my voice at times but nothing else, never at them and never full scream

[Daeva]

My first T tried to do that once, said that I was redirecting my anger, I stopped that pretty quick. Just said "No T, I'm anger at YOu for THIS. Unless my Mother magically transformed into you and did this it's not possible."

She went quiet for a moment and said "okay maybe I'm being defensive now, lets talk about this."

I get annoyed when people tell me what I'm angry about, like excuse me I'm the one angry, I'll tell you what I'm angry about.

[Carmina]

Nice to hear a story about a really competent therapist. They are gold.

[Amyjay]

Daeva I am so glad your therapist was able to receive that anger for you. That anger and rage is so warranted and I hope it was helpful for you to be able to express it. My mother also continued to sleep with my abuser for many years. She still does. I "see" your anger. it needed to come out!

[lucozader]

Originally Posted by Daeva

I dont think i was threatening to my others T's at all. I was rather attached to them and too scared of losing them to even show them my anger i would raise my voice at times but nothing else, never at them and never full scream

You said "I've always had a horrible temper, and every therapist I've had has been scared of my temper, one even called security on me."?

Sorry if I misinterpreted that.

[Elio]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Yet often I'm angry with / angry at? T indeed, (and express it) usually for things like seeing me once a month instead of our agreed upon fortnightly schedule, a phrase she used which was triggering, the fact that it's her job to care etc.

She thinks I'm displacing anger with / at my parents onto her.

ETA: I do agree often T didn't really do anything to receive my anger, that's something she says often - that she hasn't done anything to hurt me or warrant my anger.

Umm I think seeing you only monthly after agreeing or being willing to try to see you every other week is a valid reason to be mad at your T outright. Other things maybe displacing. For me the difference between "with" and "at" is literally ...

With - who did what to cause the anger (the real placement of the anger)
At - who is receiving the anger

So say your boss yells at you... you get home and yell at your kid or pet. You're angry with your boss and displaying anger at your kid/pet. In some cases, I'd say that you are validly angry with your T and should be angry with your parents, which I do hear in your words at times. I believe your T should be able to accept your anger being shown to her, thrown at her, left to sit with her -- while getting you to deal with it in a wide range of responses from accept the anger and realizing that there is nothing you can do about it in that relationship, you can do x for you all the way to discussing your anger with the offending person.

Again this is my belief that ones T should be for the most whatever we need them to be. Other people I'm sure have different takes on the role of a T and of course this varies depending on the type of therapy you are doing.

I've always had a horrible temper, and every therapist I've had has been scared of my temper, one even called security on me.?

I dont think i was threatening to my others T's at all. I was rather attached to them and too scared of losing them to even show them my anger i would raise my voice at times but nothing else, never at them and never full scream

^ If I may say so, this sounds like splitting....

I think a therapist accepting all parts of us, the good, the bad, and the ugly, can make or break a therapy.

This T isn't so good at accepting my anger (which was very mild compared to what I read on this forum), but this is because of his own unresolved issues/lack of competence.

[stopdog]

Any therapist who cannot handle anger directed at them has no business being a therapist.

[ElectricManatee]

I've been angry with my therapist a handful of times. Usually it's about something small, but it often feels really, really big. In fact I have a greater capacity to be angry with my therapist than with anybody else in my life. Sometimes I find it helpful to talk about what "belongs to" her or our relationship and what has more to do with my history or response or things being triggered within me. My therapist can hold onto it all, and I don't get the sense that she is disturbed when I am angry. I think she is secure enough in herself to not take most of it personally and to be curious and empathetic rather than defensive. I don't generally have issues with breaking things or being outwardly aggressive, though, so I'm not sure how the would handle that. I do sometimes say sort of harsh things, though.