[jenluv]

I called T last night (evening, actually). I was upset, said that I was hesitant to call, but could T please give me a call back. It's the first time I've reached out like this specifically asking for a return call.

T hasn't called.

Now, I know there could be a million and one reasons why T hasn't returned my call, or even emailed. I'm not curling into a ball of angst/despair.

So I sent T an email a few hours ago. It was a good email. Tempered, but specific. H thought it was very good.

I haven't heard from T. I told T in the email that I was specifically contacting T tonight (as opposed to tomorrow) because I know T doesn't respond to emails, much less phone calls, over the weekends and I hoped he'd get back to me before the weekend.

I didn't intend for it to become this -- but this has become sort of a laying out of the fleece.

But does it need to be? It feels that way, but objectively, healthily, does it necessarily become a test?

Wanted to get your thoughts on it if you would, please?

Oh man stuff like that bothers me SOOOO much!! It sounds like you're handling it much better than I would. Probably T hasn't had time to check messages or email, because something came up, or maybe T doesn't feel good. Maybe wait another day or two...see what happens and maybe you can leave another message for T to call again?

[Mike_J]

Well there could be lots of reasons, my mom sort of freaked out on my birthday when she called my cell, then my home number and couldn't get in touch with me. Turns out I was at the movies with my cell phone off.

I often don't turn on my computer at home to get emails, and if you called his cell then it might be turned off or out of range, and could haven't gotten around to checking his voice mail.

[jenluv]

It's possible that something happened to his phone or he went out of town unexpectedly, but not likely.

About a month ago I sent him an email on a Friday evening. I big, please respond email. When he got back to me on the following Tuesday he said that he had received my email on Friday. So I know he gets the email or message in a timely manner. I mean, as a therapist would you go 24 hours without checking your voicemail and/or email?

So part of me wonders if he dicking around with me because my mother was narcissistic and I'd been dicked around with a lot in my life. It's definitely a cognitive pattern that I struggle to correct.

But what if the lack of contact IS intentional? I know people here have asked that question many times over in relation to their own Ts. It's crazy-making.

And add to that -- this last session T was trying to get me to acknowledge that my "take" on some of the things H does could/are actually correct and that I should trust myself when I sense that something is "off." In fact, the pendulum swings the other way too often -- I'm so afraid of my perceptions being tainted by my background and ingrained patterns that I usually don't trust my gut/intuition.

So you have him working with me to trust my gut/intuition -- and then I'm left hanging, in a sense, by all of this. And I try to be reasonable about it and ask him for a reply, partly because I need to prove to myself that he is NOT gaslighting me. So if he calls or sends a brief email I can say, "Okay, okay, your perception WAS off this time and he really is who he says he is. You can start to trust that now."

And then maybe everything I've just written above is part of some cognitive distortion that I'm (shamefully) not aware of.

Ugh!

[stopdog]

Has he said he will respond to emails in a certain period of time? Did he tell you why he waited so long the last time? (perhaps I am confused about whether he received the last email on friday but did not respond until tuesday). I think it would be best to clarify the email/telephone call situation with him before making conclusions. I know it is not easy to be waiting on them.

[jenluv]

Good questions stopdog.

His policy on returning emails is "I will return emails as I am able." He hasn't specifically stated a policy on returning calls, though I imagine it's very similar to the email policy.

Yes, he did receive the email on the Friday I sent it. He did not respond until Tuesday after I sent an email asking to confirm our appt. time. He confirmed it and said "I got your email on Friday . . ."

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by jenluv

Good questions stopdog.

His policy on returning emails is "I will return emails as I am able." He hasn't specifically stated a policy on returning calls, though I imagine it's very similar to the email policy.

Yes, he did receive the email on the Friday I sent it. He did not respond until Tuesday after I sent an email asking to confirm our appt. time. He confirmed it and said "I got your email on Friday . . ."

So it would seem he has a pattern of taking several days to respond. He may not respond outside of normal business hours which may mean tomorrow or Monday. Is it upsetting you more this time than last time?
I think you may need to talk to him to get a clearer idea of his idea of timely response versus your idea of timely response.
I do realize it is not easy to be waiting on the therapist to respond. I have an expectation that the therapist will respond within 24 hours except on weekends or some unusual situation (arbitrary perhaps - but mine nonetheless). The point of this being first the parties have to know the time frame for each other and then decide whether that time frame is reasonable for each of you.

[jenluv]

Yes, because I was specific about my need for him to be in contact with me, my shame and humiliation at having to ask for contact, and my reticence to do so in the first place. It feels like the more specific I am about my need for contact (and I truly don't ask for it lightly) the longer it takes to have that contact.

[stopdog]

I think (and this is not particularly pleasant but it will mean you are not at his mercy) you need to have the specific discussion with him about it and then decide what you will do if an arrangement acceptable to all parties cannot be worked out. The hard part is also that you are still waiting for him now.

[Wren_]

ugh i hate it when i start thinking .... that at some level it's a test because then i start wondering if that's what i was doing initially and second guessing my intentions only as you said you were wanting to reach out when you needed your T; and now you are waiting on that response - all perfectly legitimate thing to do and were done outside of any "testing agenda". as you've said there are lots of possible reasons for the delay in response; still hard waiting though for you and i hope you hear back soon. I don't think your T is deliberately holding back on you because you let him know how important the contact was or how hard asking was

[jenluv]

stopdog -- you are right in that this needs to be addressed, again.

tigergirl -- thank you for your response. I like how you were able to collapse it all into I was trying to reach out in a time of extreme need and nothing else. I don't think he's being deliberate by not contacting me -- except perhaps to stick to his boundaries. It sounds like I need to parse out even more what he means by "I'll respond as I am able."

[Dreamy01]

I would be worried and upset by this too. It brings up all sorts of painful feelings when T doesn't respond to contact.

I also feel that you would benefit from discussing this with T at the next session. I did this myself recently and it was extremely difficult, but paid off as now I'm more clear where I stand. Even if your T states that he won't reply to all emails and calls at least you will know.

I always worry about a T's personal safety as well as feeling rejected so just knowing that T might not get back to you and that doesn't mean anything is wrong could be helpful.