Cancelled again :(

I am doing a tiny bit better about not constantly obsessing about when she might call me or if she is safe/alive (like I did last time.) So that is good. I know she's got a really hard family situation going on and has a lot to take care of. I know that last time she was gone, she called me a LOT more than she called anyone else...that helps to know that she intends to call when she can this time.

I admire your resilient way of thinking about the situation and about ways to help yourself cope, even while feeling so alone.

Your strenght and perserverance amazes me, SarahMichelle. I wish things were different for you. I wish your therapist wasn't experiencing such distress and disruption in her own life. I know from reading your posts that you are loyal and committed to staying with her in spite of all these difficulties. Hang in there; I'm hoping that things get back on track for the both of you!

Thank you.
I am trying.
Short on words right now.

i just miss her so much tonight
its getting hard to hold things in now
my back pain is back (most of it is psychosomatic)-- it had greatly dissipated while she was home again and i was able to talk, get things out.
we can't email her right now because her email is all backed up, since she hasn't had time to check it
she said she'd empty it out as soon as she could but i know she must be incredibly busy with the family emergency, so it could be a while.
so trying to hold everything in. private stuff. that only she knows about. its getting to big for us again

SarahMichelle, I wanted you to know I have been reading all of your posts in this thread, just haven't responded because I am not in a good place myself right now and I only want to be supportive during the time your T is away.

Just keep breathing. (really deep breaths)

((((((SarahMichelle)))))))

I hope that you're feeling better this morning. Is there anyone at all that you can talk about? I think I remember your posting that you are spiritual/religious. Do you belong to a church? Is there someone there who could be a sympathetic ear? I know what it's like having a T who is the only one who knows so much about you and with whom you feel so, so comfortable, but to prevent yourself from spiraling downward, do you think that you could find someone just to talk to? I know that you don't want to see another T but perhaps a pastor or someone else? Your T wants for you to be OK and taking good care of yourself will not only help yourself, but honor your work with her too And, it's OK if you're angry a little with her. This would be normal and you need a safe space to get this out.

Oh no, SarahMichelle, I'm so very sorry that she's gone again
It must be especially hard that her email inbox is full. Could you maybe start a password protected blog somewhere, and write all the stuff you want to tell T? Then when her email is back up and running you can send her a link with the blog's address and that way you're not both relying on email?

Sending you many hugs. I hope she's back soon xx

A blog is a terrific idea
Doing ok this morning. My husband took us to see The Lorax. Now laying down for a nap cuz my head hurts so bad.
I do find comfort in being at church and praying. I dont truly have real friends at church but some nice people are there to see on sunday.

I will try tonight to post something i need to talk about. Its hard for me, but yall are being so supportive that it helps.

I AM a little angry with her, but its not really rational. I am aware (logically) that the emergencies going on with her family are 1)not her fault at all and 2)something she has NO control over. So she cannot help it that she has to leave me to go handle her family stuff.
I do wish that her family was closer...Oh that they were at least in the same area I am in!!

There's just so much of me that feels abandoned though...and longs to have some safety and security with my therapy like she and I had when I started seeing her, and we haven't had for one year now (remember last year in March/April when I posted that she had disappeared? It was because of a huge emergency with her husband, but I didn't hear from her for like 2-3 weeks and we had no sessions for about a month.) That was so hard on me. Apparently it was just practice for when she was gone for 6 months!!

So I do long for her to just be like other T's, who are there in their office every week at the same time.
However, she is SOOOO good at what she does, and she is so good at working with trauma and DID, and we've made SOOOO much progress in 2 years that I wouldn't trade that for any other therapist. WHEN she's around, she's awesome.
And I want to stick with her-not even considering another T. She even asked me to stick by her while she gets through this hard family time, because she really wants to work with me and help us through the stuff we're going through. That helps a lot to know.

Hoping to hear from her soon by email or phone call, but, due to the nature of the family emergency she may have absolutely NO time for a couple of weeks. She SAID she will be back at the end of March...but we'll see.

Feelings are feelings, and being rational has nothing to do with it. You are angry because she isn't there and you need her. That is separate from her family emergencies.

I hope she can come back soon and be the therapist you need.

Tonight I am struggling immensely with an old issue. There isn't anything my T can do about it, as we've talked about it several times, and I'm just too stubborn to change I guess. But I want so badly to talk to her right now about it, I just want to talk to her even if all she can tell me is "Get your act together!" or "That's crazy talk." (My T is rather direct, which I love about her.) I just need ....to be not alone with myself.

What if you write to her? I mean, I realize that you cannot actually contact her at the moment. But what if you write your thoughts and feelings and save the resulting letters/messages to give her when she is back or at least available to listen by email/regular mail?

I have been... I am not sure if its helping much at the moment, but maybe I will feel better when I am actually able to GET my writings to her.