Concerned about meeting new pdoc

I hope this is the right place to post this - none of the other areas seemed to quite fit. Here's the backstory (I'll try to keep it short!)

• Last September: I went to my doctor because I'd been having trouble sleeping and frequent nightmares. She ran a lot of tests that all came back normal, then referred me to the mental health department.
• October: I saw a pdoc who... Without getting into the long list of grievances let's just say she was not very nice to me during the appointment. *She insisted I probably had sleep apnea and sent me back to my regular doctor.
• November: I had to wait a month for a sleep test and then another two weeks because the first test errored out.*
• December: Finally my doctor told me the sleep test was fine and sent me BACK to mental health, where I asked to see a different pdoc (this was a really hard thing for me to do) and was told in a letter that I would have to wait 4-6 weeks until a new pdoc became available
• January: I called mental health again at the end of six weeks and was told no such request existed and I would have to wait another 2-3 months if I wanted to see a new pdoc (this was the part where I completely freaked out and my mother had to come to my house and calm me down). On the advice of my mother and my T I began calling every other day to say I couldn't wait that long and could anything be done? Eventually I was given an appointment with a new pdoc, who I will see on wednesday.

Goodness, that wasn't short at all! Sorry.

So here's the thing. Now that the appointment is here I'm really worried and scared about it. What if new pdoc is also mean? What if she's really good friends with old pdoc and hates me already because I asked to switch, and then made a nuisance of myself calling so much? What if she's really nice, but simply won't help me and hands me off again? Last time I barely made it out of the building before I started crying and I'm worried that if I get blown off I'll start sobbing right there in her office.

I have problems with insomnia, nightmares, anxiety, depression, and ptsd - I feel like I'm barely hanging on anymore and if she won't help me then I don't know what else to do. All my PTO has been eaten up by nights when I didn't sleep at all and couldn't function the next day, my job performance has suffered noticeably and I am just SO ANGRY at them all for making me wait so long! If I'd had the flu or a broken leg no one would ever have jerked me around like this. In six months no one has given me any advice or treatment options and all I have to show for my trouble is more than $600 in bills for the tests I had to take. Why is this somehow ok just because my problems are mental???

Sorry again for the long pointless post. I don't even have a question or anything (although any advice would be welcome). I guess I just really needed to rant.

I recognise what you're doing as something I do myself. I worry about all the negative things that could go wrong. At the times I've worried about them they've been so consuming and exhausting, but they've always seemed like such realistic concerns, things that could so easily happen. I have to say that most of the things I've worried myself sick over have almost always panned out fairly smoothly!

I think my biggest underlying worry was that if something did go wrong I wouldn't be able to handle it. It sounds like that's something you're concerned about too. Leaving without the help you need or crying in the pdocs office. It's completely understandable to be so concerned, after the last bad experience and particularly when you feel like so much rides on a positive outcome. I don't have any spectacularly good advice except that I think you can do this and that it will be okay.

My T works so hard to get me to see both sides of things. This is something difficult you're facing but it might also work out well. You might see a good pdoc who really helps you. You know the reasons why you called so often. It's because you know you needed the help and you were standing up for yourself. You had every right to do that.

The part of this that you have control over is you. You can show up and explain what's been going on with you and ask for help. That's what the pdoc is there for.

I'm not going through the public health system. It can been particularly slow where I am, I believe it's over 6 months at the moment for issues like depression and anxiety. It is a frustrating process but you've taken big steps already. You know you need help and you've asked for it. You will get there!

I really do hope the appointment goes well for you too.

I would take your post above with me to the pdoc and give it to him/her to read; it is really well written and explains your position and how angry you are and worried, etc. I think it would help clarify where you are coming from and what you want/need, maybe even get an apology out of them for how long you have had to wait :-)

That's exactly what T keeps telling me. Thank you for your reply, it made me feel a lot better.

I may not bring in this exact post, but I've been writing out what I want and responses to the things I worry she's going to say. Hopefully "rehearsing" will help me to not get all flustered and teary!