I e-mailed a story to my T last week, and he called me on Saturday to tell me that I am not an awful person. That my gross story did not horrify him except to the extent that he felt badly for me. He assured me I am doing the correct thing by finally telling, and I was not just "gratuitously exposing him to grossness for no good reason," (my words because that was my anxiety about telling him). So. He said I could call and ask for help during the week because he understand that I was going to have some anxiety and second guessing about finally telling.

BUT, he is out of the office the first part of this week. I have his cell phone number, but I feel calling it would be way too intrusive, particularly this late at night. I left a message with his answering service, but he may not be checking messages while he's out. I now also have his e-mail address, but I told him that I was only going to use it to send the story. He had specifically told me before that he didn't want me to e-mail before I asked about it only for the purpose of sending the story.

I have a meeting with my daughter's school tomorrow, and an important document that HAS to the Clerk of the Supreme Court of my state tomorrow. I cannot concentrate. My heart is pounding and I am periodically vomiting, followed by getting a nosebleed. This has been happening since Friday. So . . . not doing that well. Don't know if this counts as a crisis or not such that I should ask to talk to the emergency on call person. I'm not going to hurt myself. I just cannot sleep. or concentrate. or work. or sleep. or not vomit. or sleep. Did I mention I cannot sleep? I am really tired.

[stopdog]

This counts as a crisis. Call the on call person. If you have a document due that you cannot get an extension on and you cannot concentrate enough to work on it = crisis.

Also causing physical symptoms nose bleed, vomiting! I'd call him.

[stopdog]

Right, the physical symptoms too. Those are cause for on call person too.

[granite1]

MKRC you are in complete emotional termoil.it doesn't seem like you are able to function if you cant get your work done.i hope you were able to call them.how are you doing now.

I'm a little better this morning, thanks. It's been weird since I sent him the letter about my "stuff." On the one hand, it's a relief. He knows; he's okay with me still; he's still telling me I am "the opposite of gross." On the other hand, HE KNOWS!! Which apparently makes me sick. The nightmares stopped the same night that I sent him the story, and I slept well that night, but the next night, the anxiety kicked into high gear and although I didn't have nightmares, I didn't sleep well either.

I did work on my brief last night and got most of it done. And it was apparently boring enough that I got a few hours of sleep.

I did not call the crisis, on call person, because I figured they would tell my T that I called and that would be too embarrassing. Bad enough that I need HIM! I definitely don't want to need some generic T I've never met. You get that, right, stopdog?

[unaluna]

You're not having a reaction to your new migraine meds? Occam's Razor, ya know.

I only took them for a day and a half, hankster. Could they still be in my system? If anything, they seemed to make me sleep more. I wasn't sure if it was the migraine stuff that helped me just zonk out that first night, or the relief of telling. Now that you mention it, maybe it was migraine stuff that helped me sleep that first night! If it wasn't so expensive, I would just take some more tonight and see if it helped me sleep.

ETA: thanks again, hankster! I did not realize until you mentioned the medication that there was another bright side to this, in addition to the nightmares stopping. That horrible migraine is gone also. I don't know if the medication just fixed it, or what, but the month plus long headache has been gone since Friday also. I took the medication Friday and Saturday morning and haven't taken it since.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I did work on my brief last night and got most of it done. And it was apparently boring enough that I got a few hours of sleep.

I did not call the crisis, on call person, because I figured they would tell my T that I called and that would be too embarrassing. Bad enough that I need HIM! I definitely don't want to need some generic T I've never met. You get that, right, stopdog?

I do get it. And I am glad there are good uses for some of the boring parts of the law.

Ugh. Now that it's daylight and normal business hours, it's even harder not to call him. I'm just sitting here mentally going, "CALL ME CALL ME CALLMECALLMECALLME!!!!"

I need to set that sequence of "smilies" as my mood. Except copy and paste it a few times, because it cycles.

and then it starts again: but I cannot put them all because the stupid system limits you to 12 images. bleah.

I called and left one message. That's all I should do. He knows I feel sick, literally. He'll call me when he has a chance. I need to just not be such a big baby about this.

[Snuffleupagus]

Pretty sure you're the only one that would characterize this as being ”a big baby.” I think it's called ” having a normal amount of massive anxiety after processing major trauma for the first time in your life.”

Maybe cut yourself some slack, huh?

[autumnleaves]

Yes, I agree snuffleupagus! MKAC, I think your reaction is completely, completely understandable and normal.

Originally Posted by Snuffleupagus

Pretty sure you're the only one that would characterize this as being ”a big baby.” I think it's called ” having a normal amount of massive anxiety after processing major trauma for the first time in your life.”

Maybe cut yourself some slack, huh?

I'm really pretty sure I'm not the only one who would refer to my thoughts as being a big baby! Lol. I can think of at least three people on this board who would be equally upset with themselves for being this needy. (I'd add a smilie here but can't figure out how to do it on my phone!)

Thank you all for the support though. I really appreciate it very much and it really helped me get through the day.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I'm really pretty sure I'm not the only one who would refer to my thoughts as being a big baby! Lol. I can think of at least three people on this board who would be equally upset with themselves for being this needy. (I'd add a smilie here but can't figure out how to do it on my phone!)

Thank you all for the support though. I really appreciate it very much and it really helped me get through the day.

I would never call you a big baby. And cutting yourself some slack could be a good idea. This is with full knowledge I do say I am a big baby at the first sign of a hint of a thought of neediness. I sit down or walk the dogs until it goes away. (and there would be a smiley here except I hate those little blinky things - I rarely know which one means what).

Thanks stopdog. I knew you wouldn't call ME needy; but I was equally sure you would be upset with YOURSELF if you were reacting to a disclosure the way I am right now. I think you and I are both accustomed to having self control and a certain amount of emotional distance from people. This therapist has really screwed with both of those for me.

The plus side I guess is no one can tell just by looking at me that I am upset. I went to lunch yesterday with a friend and mentioned how anxious I was and she was shocked.

[Snuffleupagus]

Oh, hell, I'd berate myself too. But it sure wouldn't be merited--just habitual.

You're doing amazing, brave work, MKAC. What's actually merited is pride.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I was not just "gratuitously exposing him to grossness for no good reason," (my words because that was my anxiety about telling him).

Gratuitous is one of my favorite words, as is gross. Great alliteration in this sentence!
How you put smilies in from your phone is, you spell them out. It stinks! Some of them are easy to remember. then if you edit a reply you should see the spellings?