Is it me or her?

Perna, it reminds me of the movie The Incredibles: "Everyone's special!" "That's just another way to say that no one is."

You're right. She hasn't said, "When you feel a need to email me, don't. Instead, why not ..."

To give her a little credit, she has said in the past, "When you are obsessing or feel like you are in crisis, you can...go for a walk (she's big on walks), write in your journal, go out with friends, do something...anything that distracts your mind. What is the truth you know? (Which is usually an insight I have had recently, or that I am worthy, or that God loves me, etc.)."

But she's REALLY big on walks.

Weird thing is, I'm actually starting to feel better. I realize I don't need T this weekend. Right now I believe I'm fine.

Ask me again tomorrow...the answer might be different.

I suggest you say to T:

OK, I get the message. No emails. But what should I do when I feel a desperate need to email you?

I guess I have to weigh in by saying that your therapist is definitely having difficulty with setting boundaries, perhaps triggered by your difficulties with understanding and enacting your own boundaries. This is not to say this is totally on your shoulders!

It's not unusal for the client and the therapist to struggle with this issue (I know you know that!) But it is HER responsibility to set the boundaries in a clear way. You just went to the session ready to work, you knew the two of you had issues related to a major rupture in your connection to work on. I get it that both you and your therapist needed to address those issues. BUT it was also her responsibility to address her concerns about setting clear boundaries.

Chopin, your therapist should have never allowed you to leave your last session without addressing the issue of emailing. It doesn't matter how she might have wanted to deal with it; it should have NEVER been conveyed through another email. This is the stuff to be addressed and dealt with "in session". It was her error that she forgot to bring the topic up before you left. Boundaries are never something to be forgotten and then decided upon and et through phone or email! There are therapists who receive twenty, thirty, fifty emails or phone calls in one weekend and they know that dealing with it over the phone or through email is not therapeutic. They need to answer or respond to the phone call or email and then say that it needs to be discussed in the next session. Simply saying, DON'T DO THIS is not a professional way to deal with the problem.

If she did forget it was an issue, her response should have mentioned that: "Chopin, I apologize for not addressing this very important issue in our last session. I want to protect our relationship and because of this I do not want you to email until our next session. At that time, you and I will discuss and firm up the healthy boundaries needed to benefit you in your therapy. I know this will be hard for you to hear, but I am willing to listen and discuss this topic with you fully at our next session. See you then!

Abruptly enacting a boundary is hurtful and intensely painful to all clients. I hope you and your therapist are able to work through this. I get the sense that she is struggling with her own issues regarding firm therapeutic boundaries.

Take care this weekend!

CantExplain is right on. I am often appalled at the number of therapist who do not give their clients any crisis plan! If a therapist doesn't want a client email or phone, what exactly is the plan for a potential crisis???? I get it that many, if not most, clients don't experience a crisis, but why would someone not plan for the possibility?

And I do believe that therapists need to assist clients in understanding and developing coping skills for difficult times (non suicidal moments). These are just as critical and important when dealing with individuals who struggle day to day to be involved and engaged in their lives.

The changing rules would bother me. But I believe in general we both get to set them - i will only see a therapist who does x so any therapist who will not, I do not engage with. If emailing is a major thing, then I would only see a therapist who would do it.

Good one! I will ask that next session.

Her shifting rules and shifting amount of self-disclosure has always made me wonder at times if she lets her feelings for me get in the way. I normally don't assume that of people, most people don't like me (then again, most people don't see my true personality)! There are other reasons that make me think that too; nothing unethical, but just make me go hmmm...). Little stuff. Like sometimes I really seem to get to her (good and bad). Kind of like she's actually really comfortable with me, then she goes, "Maybe too comfortable." Then she'll be more clinical for awhile. Also have to take into consideration what she just went through with her breast cancer, subsequent chemo treatments, heart problems, and unfinished reconstruction surgery. Her personal life may be affecting her work life, right or wrong. My personal life has affected mine before.

True. People say therapists have a lot of power and they can. But I always have in the back of my mind that she doesn't have all the power. I can fire her and she won't have my money anymore.

Therapists absolutely do not hold all the power. Don't give it to them.

sounds like she's sometimes wishy washy with boundaries. You can email, then NO EMAILS is like a slap. I use email once in a while to bring up an issue I have a hard time talking about. Email is important to me because it's where I actually say whats going on. I don't expect responses, and just want it brought up in session. I can see why your upset though. The rules need to be clear.

I think stopdog has it. You seem to need a therapist who will respond to you between sessions. Yours won't. You can keep beating your head on that wall or you can get a different therapist.

BTW, I don't like this suddenly telling you, "Oh, your clinging has made me really uncomfortable and I just haven't said anything." B.S.. She could have created a new boundary about not holding you without self-disclosing her past discomfort by framing it as what will be therapeutic for you.

Self-disclosure is appropriate only when it helps the patient, and I'll be damned if I can figure out how that self-disclosure about her past discomfort is supposed to help you. Even if I wasn't responsible because I didn't know I was making her feel uncomfortable, all that disclosure would make me feel is icky and predatory. Stuff I struggle with anyway. Not really helpful emotions especially when you're working on building a self-esteem. It seems like a really sick martyr-y way to frame it too. "I made the huge sacrifice of holding you despite hating it because you forced me into that role." Blah, blah, blah. I can practically see her hand pressed to her forehead. Co-dependent nonsense if you ask me--not that you did.

Chopin,

I think that you commented on the thread I wrote a while ago to my ex-therapist who appears to have had similar patterns to yours--no email, but sometimes emails; doing things such as holding my hand but then telling me in practically the same words as yours that she regretted doing this (which made me feel badly and the person that i am who tends to blame herself for everything, I took this as I made her, it was my fault, etc.). While you are both adults, she is the therapist, responsible for creating and modeling healthy, non-shifting boundaries. If she fails to do so, does things that she is uncomfortable with, this is not you and it bothers me that she puts any of this on you.

I caution you... I know that you have a connection with her, but you seem like me in that you need some clarification if things are said a certain way during a session and doing the deep work and your T relationship will have some crises. There needs to be a way for you to be able to have (limited) contact with her outside of sessions--with your lovely writing skills, emails might be the best? There are definitely therapists that do this and reading what you've written it seems that your ruptures with her are over this issue.

I really wish you the best and I hope that you'll go with your deep down gut.

Chopin,

I think that you commented on the thread I wrote a while ago to my ex-therapist who appears to have had similar patterns to yours--no email, but sometimes emails; doing things such as holding my hand but then telling me in practically the same words as yours that she regretted doing this (which made me feel badly and the person that i am who tends to blame herself for everything, I took this as I made her, it was my fault, etc.). While you are both adults, she is the therapist, responsible for creating and modeling healthy, non-shifting boundaries. If she fails to do so, does things that she is uncomfortable with, this is not you and it bothers me that she puts any of this on you.

I caution you... I know that you have a connection with her, but you seem like me in that you need some clarification if things are said a certain way during a session and doing the deep work and your T relationship will have some crises. There needs to be a way for you to be able to have (limited) contact with her outside of sessions--with your lovely writing skills, emails might be the best? There are definitely therapists that do this and reading what you've written it seems that your ruptures with her are over this issue.

I really wish you the best and I hope that you'll be able to hear your inner voice that looks out for you and go with what you feel deep down. I know that this is really, really hard.

When my T told me to stop emailing her, she made it quite clear that she had made a mistake.

"I thought the emails were helping you but I should have realise sooner that they weren't."

When I tried to apologise she insisted it was her fault.

And having changed her mind, she kept it changed.

This is only the second time in our relationship that she has taken back something she has given me. (The first time was when she started walking me to the door at my request, and then decided that wasn't right.)

I believe that she deliberately "gives very little" precisely so she won't have to hurt the patient by taking back. She works very hard at being stable and consistent.

I emailed xT too much until she said stop too... Sorry I know how much this hurts. I think boundaries should be sent in the presence of both parties involved.

I'm sorry I haven't been reading or responding to threads this week. I was busy with a major fun "distraction" from my therapy issues. I needed to do that for myself but I feel I missed out on so many thread and I want to catch up.

I identify with your T being wish-washy about email contact. My T is like that too, on many things. It's something I had to get used to but her good qualities outweigh the negative.

You probably know that I had an email problem because my T orginally told me I could email as much as I want and she told me she would answer all of them. She did say she couldn't do therapy via email though. It got so that her answers, somewhat brief, were frustrating for me because she didn't answer what I wanted all of the time. She wanted me to stop emailing, or email once a week. That didn't work. She tried answering me once, very briefly but I hated that.

So, the solution for me is that I can write her novels if I want but she never answers. My birthday email was an exception. It works for me because I have no expectations of answers. Maybe, since you like to write like I do, your T will let you email but won't answer you, like mine. Just an idea.

I am terribly sorry that she changed this rule for you and I hope you can adjust to it.

Well this brings the issue into focus for me.

1. I resent being treated like livestock. Is this any way to treat a human being?

2. If you're going to put me inside an electric fence, at least tell me where it is and what it's for.

I think it would have been healthier if she had been nicer.
She could have said, "I really appreciate your email but I feel it would be better if we talked in our sessions. I look forward to seeing you and discussing your feelings during our next session. Take care."
Are you sure she is the right T for you? My T does not email at all but I still feel really cared about and listened to.
Take care - your feelings are understandable.