[Chopin99]

Why T's curt response to my email bothers me:

Past factors:
1. *Reminds me of Ms. H.
Ms. H was a teacher in at my school who took me under her wing. *She took the "mother figure" role between my freshman and junior years. *She listened to my problems, tried to help the best she could, and best of all, met the need for motherly affection. *I thought I had a crush on her at the time; but looking back, if she ever tried anything, it would have*devastated*me. She spent way more time with me than she had to; her own time. *My senior year, I was a bit more confident and busy; captain of the volleyball team, editor of the yearbook, secretary of the honor society, and I became deeply involved in a new church, so our relationship ended amicably. *I thought about her on occasion since graduation. *In 2009, I contacted her via email through the school website. *She was delighted to hear from me and we began a*correspondence. *After a couple of months, we had a disagreement before she left for vacation. *I panicked thinking the relationship might be over. *I sent 10 emails in 14 days. *Apparently that was too many for her. *That relationship was irrevocably broken over these emails; in fact, she threatened a restraining order against me if I contacted her again. The whole thing, even before the rupture, was exacerbating my OCD. *I thought I was a crazy stalker. *During this time, I returned to therapy for the second time.

2. *Reminds me of B (abusive ex-boss).
The curt tone of the email reminded me of B when she was angry. *She wrote politely unless she was angry, then it was curt. *The curt emails always had some kind of hidden meaning that I was supposed to deduce and if I couldn't, then I was stupid. *The whole relationship with her was abusive. *I allowed her to control me for many years. *She was the least trusting individual I have ever met. *She was like my mother, but much meaner.

Analysis of past and current factors:
My relationship with T reminds me of the relationship with Ms. H, but rockier, and my mom, but more stable. *I worry about making mistakes with email regarding T because of the resemblance in relational style. Since January, she has mentioned referral twice and this frightens me. *I feel as if T is angry at me or tired of treating me. This makes me feel like I need to be the "perfect" client so that she will remain my therapist.*

On the other hand, I don't understand the email boundary. T once stated that it was therapeutic for some clients to be able to email what was going on with them. I would like to be able to do that. I want to know whenit crosses the line; when it asks a difficult question, when it sounds needy, when it's more than one regarding a matter? I don't understand the difference between the email I sent asking about what to do in a panic situation to which T replied and apologized for not replying sooner and the one regarding being able to continue therapy due to the bisexuality. Each asked one question.

Resolutions:
1. Talk to T and come to a compromise regarding the use of email.
2. Find out when the use of email crosses the line.
3. Discover alternatives to emailing; i.e. what to do when I feel the urge to email.
4. Discuss with T what being able to send email means to me.
5. Listen to and respect what she has to say related to the matter.
6. Recognize that the boundaries of others have little to do with me.
7. Respect the boundaries of others and develop some of my own.
8. Realize that T is neither Ms. H nor B.
9. Continue my study of the book "Boundaries".

I just want to say that you are truly inspiring. You are putting so much hard effort into this issue. If I were a t, you are exactly the kind of client I would want to work with. If your t doesn't appreciate this... well, I guess everyone has their own style, but I think you should be praised and supported, not punished.

You are being so brave to face up to this, and so honest about how you are feeling. I feel honored to be a witness to your journey. Thank you for sharing.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I don't understand the difference between the email I sent asking about what to do in a panic situation . . . and the one regarding being able to continue therapy due to the bisexuality. Each asked one question.

I think the first has to do with your actual life, outside therapy, a kind of "medical emergency," and the second is a more complex issue that needs to be discussed during your sessions as it concerns your T and therapy. She's not going to do therapy-related stuff by email, email is not therapy (because you cannot see/experience the whole person, face-to-face).

[CantExplain]

Hi Chopin!

Whatever can be obtained by courage, intelligence and hard work is yours for sure!

But alas!

I have found that there are some areas in life where these strengths just don't seem to work. I still don't understand why not, and in my heart I still can't believe it. Nevertheless, it seems to be true.

In particular, the area of human relationships seems to work on quite different lines. I just can't figure it out. If someone would only explain the rules, I'm sure I could come up with an unbeatable plan! Likewise for therapy.

Gah! I'm trying to tell you something important but the words won't come!

Good luck!

P.S.

I wouldn't dump you for sending me 10 emails in 14 days.
We both post much more often than that!

[WePow]

wow. You are working very hard on putting this all together. You are very brave :-)

[bluemountains]

Hi Chopin,
I like your resolutions! As you work with your t, remember how much you love and respect her and her plan for healing for you.
Bluemountains