[precious things]

I really could use some words of encouragement. I spent the hour curled up in a ball unable to talk until the last minute where I started crying and mentioned csa and then pretty much told my dr. that he makes me miss the father who left me. So um yeah, I have to sit with this all day. Just feel like a freaky failure.

[Perna]

Oh, precious things, so sorry you had a really rough hour! You are not a failure, it takes time and sound like you have been very brave! Keep working, I know your dr. will help you get through this.

[Sannah]

Failure? No Way! You told him some very important words at the end of that appt. I call it a success! Sorry that you are feeling in distress, though. (Which would be expected after disclosing).

you are brave & powerful! out just outed your abusers..you gave power to yourself...all the times they might have said keep this quiet, tell no one or else...you just broke that cycle! you told!!! & you will be ok.
no one will come after you & hurt you, you will be safe.

you my friend will eventually rock the world..because you shared what happened..it is not longer a deep dark dank thing inside.

i am proud of you.

yeah it feel like you just ripped open your soul & took out a chunk but that's what it feels like to everyone who has been there. that same feeling. we have all walked down the path of hot stones. our feet got burned but we survived.

you made it thru the abuse...telling...that was hard..but you did it & now the healing will begin...it will take a while..ya gotta do the scab thing before you get to just the old faded scar but trust me YOU WILL GET THERE!

stumpy.
got the scars...took a while but finally the wounds scabbed over & then faded into dull, boring don't even worry me scars.

[stopdog]

Sorry you are feeling so bad. But definitely no failure as far as I can tell.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by stumpy

you are brave & powerful! out just outed your abusers..you gave power to yourself...all the times they might have said keep this quiet, tell no one or else...you just broke that cycle! you told!!! & you will be ok.
no one will come after you & hurt you, you will be safe.

you my friend will eventually rock the world..because you shared what happened..it is not longer a deep dark dank thing inside.

i am proud of you.

yeah it feel like you just ripped open your soul & took out a chunk but that's what it feels like to everyone who has been there. that same feeling. we have all walked down the path of hot stones. our feet got burned but we survived.

you made it thru the abuse...telling...that was hard..but you did it & now the healing will begin...it will take a while..ya gotta do the scab thing before you get to just the old faded scar but trust me YOU WILL GET THERE!

stumpy.
got the scars...took a while but finally the wounds scabbed over & then faded into dull, boring don't even worry me scars.

oh, if only I had been THAT brave. I could only manage to say that that the reason I was unable to share or speak was because of csa memories....I couldn't go into detail, just opening up that much was hard. I just want these memories out of my head and that is what I told him.

[larakeziah]

Telling about CSA was the hardest thing i've ever done and so I applaud u!!! I am on the road to recovery now and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. u now have that same chance too!!! I'm sorry ur feeling so bad right now but things will get better!!!

[precious things]

Thank you everyone- it helps. In the office I felt like such a little girl in hiding and now that I am back in my adult world, I see myself as setting the neurotic patient bar high. I cringe at my behavior in there and I cringe at the thought of telling him I am feeling attached to him.

[pbutton]

I think you did a fantastic job. It will come with time. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[mixedup_emotions]

You are finding your way. It's SO hard...and it can only be at your pace. I've been in therapy for over 3 years, and I STILL have trouble talking about these things. I find that I open up...and then shut down for a looooong time before I can do it again.

But to take the risk to be on this journey is a step that not everyone does....It's hard. And you're getting there.....

[roads]

precious things, your are making amazing "first steps." You're new here (welcome! ), & I'm a newbie as well next to stumpy and Sannah. Listen to them. They are WiseWiseWise! Two of the caring & generous members of this community you can trust. I'm not discounting pbutton or anyone else who responded (hi *waving*) but we gotta give the elders their due .
Keep posting--keep coming back. This is a good place to be, & I'm so glad you're here.
Roadie

[precious things]

The realization that I am attached or that this transference is real feels as overwhelming to me as anything else.

At our last session my dr. was dressed all casual (t shirt, jeans, very un-doctorly) and all I could think was how he seemed like a dad- it reminded me of my dad and our casual days together. I pictured us (my dr and I) doing boring father daughter things that I have missed over the years- cleaning out a garage together and then going out to lunch or something silly like that. And then the reality hit me that I am paying this total stranger to listen to me because my own father wants nothing to do with me. I know this is transference 101, right? But it hurts as much as any of the painful memories I have lurking in my brain.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by precious things

I really could use some words of encouragement. I spent the hour curled up in a ball unable to talk until the last minute where I started crying and mentioned csa and then pretty much told my dr. that he makes me miss the father who left me. So um yeah, I have to sit with this all day. Just feel like a freaky failure.

You did exactly the right thing and in time it will bear delicious fruit.

precious things, this is really hard work. Several of us are working on similar things. I know it helps me to come to this board and realize I am not alone. I hope that you are having a similar experience and feel like less of a freaky failure when you realize that there are others out there also struggling to find the words and get those memories out of there and struggling with transference issues also. Hang in there. Big hugs.

[healed84]

(((hugs))) for you!!

[confuseduk]

we're here and no-one thinks you're a freaky failure. I think you're very brave

[WikidPissah]

You're no a failure...Talking is very hard, I think you did well to spill out what you did. Sorry bout the aftermath of emotions, that is hard to deal with.

[faith1983]

I'm actually impressed! I don't have trauma such csa in my life and I find it hard to talk to my t about basically anything. Sometimes, I have to talk about talking about something for 3 or 4 weeks before I can get it out. T must laugh sometimes when we talk about talking about something for a whole month and then, I tell it, something like I had a fight with my mom when I was a teen and then, etc., etc..

My point is: YOU ARE GREAT! I would love to be this courageous! I know it's hard now but certainly a great big step for your healing.

Take care
Faith

[FourRedheads]

You are not alone! You are doing very hard work and I think you did great! I just disclosed my CSA last week to T and I understand the freaky failure feeling. You are NOT a failure! You are very brave!

[precious things]

thank you everyone. this thread has helped me maintain my sanity today. We sat through a good 35 minute silence and after I apologized for not talking My dr said something about it not being about the individual sessions but rather a process.

My hope is that anytime I turn silent I can learn to overcome it, to push through it, and just.....speak.