[Wren_]

Humor has been something that has been an important part of therapy for me with several different therapists. I wondered how it ties in with other peoples therapy; what role it plays; if it's something that you find helpful or a hindrance.

Then this morning when I woke up and was thinking about yesterdays session I suddenly had this thought; what if T isn't really funny at all? I was reading a book yesterday about counselling and it spoke about normalizing techniques and gave examples. I identified those as things T uses sometimes; so what if him being funny is just a tool? part of therapy? and isn't real at all?

[CantExplain]

Humour has risks. If I'm not in the mood to be teased, I will receive it as hostility.

[stopdog]

The one I see recognizes my sense of humor. She tries but is not funny although every so often (once a quarter or so) she can display cleverness. Humor is tricky. It is not good if it crosses over into mockery or humiliation. I have heard (from the one I see) that humor can help people bond. She just won't get off of the bonding/attachment thing.

[Chopin99]

I don't think humor is something that can be faked or used as a "tool". Either you have it or you don't!

[Wren_]

so if they use it, they must be funny initially then ... ?

i do see it where it can be used as a tool; since often it gets used to "bring me out of myself" and as a way of trying to change my state of mind from plunged in the depths of despair to a safer level

[Wren_]

i think it can be tricky and risky also ... mostly it's worked with me because of my own appreciation and sense of humor but a few times it's had really bad results

thanks stopdog, can'texplain and chopin

I don't think good humor can be faked. My humor comes out at appropriate moments. I think humor can be so healing, can break tension. But yes, one does need to be mindful of when to use it, or it can feel hurtful.

[stopdog]

I think it can be used as a tool. But the therapist must have some skill at it and it must match what the client acknowledges as humor. There are some people, even (or possibly especially) therapists, who simply have no sense of humor at all.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

what if T isn't really funny at all?

IMO, you can't fake being funny. He can't fake saying something you find funny. You either think it's funny and you laugh, or you dont't laugh and you think, "what a doofus!" I remember the first rather snide joke my T made in session - I was like, yeah, okay, I can work with this guy!
ETA: my previous t/pdoc often asked me, why are you always trying to make me laugh? I recently realized it was an act of desperation, an act I put on for my family. now I feel like i'm doing more listening, more feeling, more caring, less joking.

[Wren_]

thanks it helps hearing they can't fake it; doofus ... exactly

it's strange the things we worry about; this was suddenly so important to know if it could be faked or not

[likelife]

I think timing is key. There are times when I love it that my T can make me laugh, and others, not so much. Usually when I'm in kind of a negative space and don't want to be pulled out of it right away.

I agree with stopdog too, that the T meeting the client's style of humor is important.

[growlycat]

It can be real AND be a therapy tool. My T said it would be nice if I could learn to enjoy gentle teasing. (My family uses sarcasm as a weapon) He has teased me in a way that felt loving, I never knew that was possible.

[roads]

I think, tigergirl, you were sensing too that if you have a sense of humor & hook up with a T who does also, this can work as a tool in therapy?

It does. I struck gold with my new T. He's got something along the same lines of weird humor that I have ... We stop mid-sentence sometimes & look sideways at each other to be sure it's okay to say what we're about to say. So far it has been.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

IMO, you can't fake being funny. He can't fake saying something you find funny. You either think it's funny and you laugh, or you dont't laugh and you think, "what a doofus!" I remember the first rather snide joke my T made in session - I was like, yeah, okay, I can work with this guy!
ETA: my previous t/pdoc often asked me, why are you always trying to make me laugh? I recently realized it was an act of desperation, an act I put on for my family. now I feel like i'm doing more listening, more feeling, more caring, less joking.

Being funny is often a way to cope with parental neglect.

[ColourBars]

Awkward moments. That's where all the humour lies.

When I first met my T, all I can think about is how our sessions kinda go how the show, "The Office" goes... just really friggan awkward.

[growlycat]

That's what she said!

I couldn't resist.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ColourBars

When I first met my T, all I can think about is how our sessions kinda go how the show, "The Office" goes... just really friggin awkward.

oh, that's interesting! i've never thought of it as awkward - but I strongly identified with it.

ya know..2 people sit in a room staring at each other for a 50 minute hour (?) & rehash crap..."i don;'t think people like me" while the other periodically nods their head & says.."how does that make you feel?"

and you don't find humor in that?

humor is essential for me. need it. have to have it. my childhood sucked. got the crap beat out of me because i was funny...& then continued to be funny..probably even more so, well just because.

it can backfire..wrong place, wrong time, wrong audience..any comic will tell you that. you gotta know your crowd. i used to give speeches to 130+ people numerous times a day & would toss in tons of humor..you tailor to the the crowd. i can make history funny..i can also talk down a crazed idiot at times by making him laugh..

my t & i laugh..at each other, at other people at others being loud in other rooms, her kids, husband, my crazy neighbor, what ever. it's a bond.

oh & not for nothing..but that thread that is labelled "2 t's"
i have been very good & strong about not posting in it: walked into a bar & one said....

[pbutton]

Humor is defnitely how I bond with my T. It's been that way since my very first session. You can act like you care, you can act like you don't care, but if you don't have a sense of humor, how can you come up with funny things to say?

[mixedup_emotions]

T and I enjoy each other's humor....although, at times, it's important to explore what surrounds the moments of humor....am I using humor to avoid more serious topics or to avoid discomfort? Most times, though, we just simply laugh and enjoy the moment when something funny comes up. It helps bring me closer to T.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by stumpy

oh & not for nothing..but that thread that is labelled "2 t's"
i have been very good & strong about not posting in it: walked into a bar & one said....

To push or not to push... a very pregnant Hamlet? I keep thinking "this should be in the gyn forum!" The brain is a scary thing

[Perna]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

so what if him being funny is just a tool? part of therapy? and isn't real at all?

The problem I see with therapists manipulating therapy and applying tools, this one "here", that one "there," is that I'm not a "thing"? When I walk into the room, believe me, you don't know what you are going to get so how can a therapist, spontaneously think, "Oh! Must apply humor here!"?

Many of us have known beginning or student therapists who appear "wooden" because, instead of listening and going with their own personality and guts, they're trying to do what they think they are being "taught", they're trying to apply tools like we're a complicated piece of machinery, and that just feels fake, to anyone on the receiving end. If you can't "tell", if something "works" (you feel better, less anxious and tense, from laughing), why care about how it comes to be?

[Mike_J]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

so what if him being funny is just a tool? part of therapy? and isn't real at all?

I have a hammer that I use, not in therapy, but for actually pounding nails, my point is that my hammer is a tool, but it’s also very real.

Just because your therapist’s humor may or may not be a "tool" that he is using, it doesn’t make it any less real. Humor isn't something you can fake.

[with or without you]

My T has a great sense of humor and she encourages mine. Once, she told me that she thought my funny, sarcastic voice spoke louder than my shy and apprehensive voice. That almost made me cry.

here's an example of my relationship with T when something hilarious happens: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=215267