lied to T today

My T has been away and I have had a hard time. I ended up dissociating a short time yesterday and again this AM. Was walking to the store at 5AM in the dark downtown. Totally unsafe but I could not stop myself and was just watching from over my body. Anyway, I also ended up doing some head banging stuff after that. Not much but I did feel a jolt of mental nothingness that was like a mini-high of blackness before a person passes out - but I didn't. I have not done that in a long time.

But I wrote my T an email and told him. He wrote me and asked how I was. I lied and told him I missed my medicine that morning. I did have to get my refills tonight but I didn't miss any. I have no idea why I lied!

I just emailed him again and told him I lied. I told him I don't blame him if he dumps me as a client. I hate myself right now. I hate PTSD. I hate DID. I also happened to see my face in the iPad outside at work in the reflection and I saw a HORRID ugly monster face looking back at me!!! That was right before the head banging! I don't even want to go past a mirror now!!!! I scarred myself! LOL !!! I don't know if I am really as horridly ugly as I saw (I might be!!!) or if it was some of the PTSD flashback stuff that was part of what was done to me when I was a child that involved me being given LSD and forced to dissociate in the mirror looking at my image and seeing it turn into a monster.

Ugg. I did the EMDR around all that junk !!!! Why is it still here !!!!!!!

A small lie is totally fine! Why did you lie? Perhaps feeling shaming/embarrassment and this is completely OK. It's so brave of you to admit right away to T that you did lie and it doesn't harm your relationship at all, but rather shows the great respect you hold for your relationship. No one is perfect, right? But the ability to admit mistakes (large or small--and this is small, I promise) is a beautiful trait.

I can't remember your out of session contact rules. Is your T available for a quick phone check-in? Would this help you?

What else besides EMDR might help right now? Sometimes it takes 4, 5, or even 10 different things to become calm. Do you have a list? Walks, calming music, art, watching a comedy, etc. I'm never quite sure what exactly will do the trick or in what order...

For now, know that you are greatly respected in this community and you are an incredibly inspirational and beautiful person as far as I'm concerned!

Thank you so much.
I have a bad phone issue and HATE to call him. So I am happy with just emailing him. I am doing my art and some other things. It just is hard. I think I was very upset with myself for dissociating after having 9 weeks in a row without splitting.

I'm so sorry! I would hope that T wouldn't dump you just for that one lie! I have told much bigger lies before. I hope everything works out!

But WePow- you've been able to keep yourself together for 9 weeks.. and the little bit of dissociation you had doesn't seem like it was too long or too bad- just kind of a momentary break of sorts. I think you've been doing really, really well with everything and I hope you won't be too hard on yourself.

You be proud of yourself for making it as far as you have without slipping.

(((((WePow)))))

WOW! 9 weeks sounds great! Remember this and celebrate it When we are in treatment and healing we will have dips and we will stumble. So now what becomes important is how we handle these moments and the "aftermath" of these moments. Focus your energy on this. The dissociation is over. How about trying to come out of the frustration/upset quicker than usual? Set a small goal that is forward thinking... And by all means, if 9 weeks is longer than usual or the last time, then dammit, celebrate that victory! We are all rooting for you!

9 entire weeks?? we are in awe of you!♥

No therapy & no therapy work is perfect.

Life happens, things fall apart a little bit.

Try to keep this in context, if you can, WePow, of all you have accomplished. Some seams came undone. You and your T will get it all together again. Nothing's perfect, but it's all fixable.

Roadie

I like what Roadie said....keep this in context. It might seem like a big falling apart, but I think what you have accomplished and overcome is a LOT bigger. YOU are bigger than this and you are strong!

9 weeks?!!

Oh boy if my T was gone that long the least of our worries would be a little lie. I would have had a total breakdown by then. I think you did amazing!

I agree!

It's like you are the spiritual leader of PC, you are stronger and wiser than you give yourself credit for. I feel no ugliness coming from your "voice" here...you are really a kind person. Admitting the lie will be valuable for therapy. But if you are ever unsafe again, just consider ringing your T, even if it is for us at PC. Want to know you are ok!!!

Well, something got triggered in there and you reacted. It's okay. I don't see this as falling off the wagon at all, just hitting a bump in the road.

Why did you lie? Oh lord, I have no idea. It's okay if you don't either. There is no way your therapist will terminate over this. No way.

I wish I could reach into that IPad and have it reflect a more accurate depiction of you. The real one, that isn't filtered through the crap that people have led you to believe. The beautiful, vulnerable and powerful WePow.

In fact, I bet there is an app for that - or should be. The mirror app that filters out all the lies we have been told to believe and shows us the real us.

I think I might work on that.

[quote=WePow;2289086]

I just emailed him again and told him I lied. quote]

Well done - see you told him the truth afterall

We Pow, you are NOT a monster.
not a monster not a monster. You are a beautiful human being, who deserved so much better. The things that happened to you were horrible things that should have never been done to a child. And you coped the best way you could, sometimes these things creep back.

Dont beat yourself up over it. I have blatantly lied to my T before as well, T's are not there to judge you, they will not react unhealthily like your family did towards you.

Shoez

SOunds like a rough patch, but you are handling it and that's HUGE. Don't believe the lies!

Elliemay - I bet you could make a fortune off an app like that!!! GREAT IDEA!! :-)

Thank you all so so so much. I am humbled by your kindness and encouragement.
My T did write back and said "No Shame" - that was it. And that was enough :-)

I know that each day is brand new. I know today is another chance for me to be healthy in the NOW.

He's going to dump someone who is honest about their short comings and difficulties, apologizing and asking for help? I don't think so!

Yeah, your new name is KaPow! You're awesome!

Your doing great WePow. You are handling it quite well. Just a little slip up, and we all have them. You took the steps necessary to improve the moment by emailing T and waking up to realize its a new day. You rock!

What a beautiful idea!

Let's make PC that kind of app.

WePow, I'm responding after the fact here, but these responses have been great!! I'm glad your T replied and you feel better. I agree that you are the spiritual leader around here on our forum!! You've always been an inspiration to me.

Cantexplain has a beautiful idea. (((WePow))) i lie to my T a teensey bit sometimes. WeP, ow you could never come close to being a monster, why did you see yourself as one? Because you lied?

(((( HUGS ))))

You were very brave, WePow, to share all of this with your T...and with us. I admire you so much.....

You are far from a monster, although it's important for you to work through the feelings behind that image....((( HUGS )))