[doogie]

Going out a limb here, so be gentle.

A little history, I have csa background and I dissociate, but not DID. PTSD is my "formal" diagnosis.

When I get scared or triggered, the lights go out in my mind and I'm not really sure what happens. There is a part of me (I use the term "part" loosely) that reaches out to t in email but writes to her as a child would. Meaning not using correct grammar, talking like a child, etc. She is fine with it - has just said that when she gets those messages she knows I am scared, etc.

I told her once in T that I wanted to be "little". Her response was I can be anything I want to be in that room but I don't really know what I want to be when I say that. I think part of it is I just want her protection and caring for that little part, but at the same time I hate that little part. This is probably making no sense, and I'm sorry. I feel like there is really some healing that could go on here if I could get at what I mean when I say I want to be little. Just throwing it out there to see if anyone else relates or can help me think through this. Thanks if you've read this far.

[likelife]

I remember reading an excerpt in a book called A Shining Affliction about wanting to be little. It was written by a psychologist about her own experience of trauma and therapy, and also working as a therapist with traumatized children.

She would bring a stuffed rabbit (I think) to sessions with her T, and on one occasion her T was holding the rabbit to his chest, the way one would hold an infant. He was whispering in the rabbit's ear and soothing it, again, in the way one would interact with a small child. The author wrote that her only wish when she was little and being abused by her mother was that she could stay small so that someday, someone could care for her in the way her T cared for her bunny.

I think being little can be about being vulnerable in an innocent, pre-trauma way. Holding wonderment about the world in a way that is untarnished by the pain and fear of trauma. Trust is in there too, that the person you're with won't harm you, has your best interests in mind.

I hope you find the caring and protection you're seeking.

[Dreamy01]

Yes, I feel that way too. I want to be little with T. I've felt like this in various intensity with different ts. I'm sorry I don't have any suggestions right now but I hear you.

I totally understand. Can u print your post out and share it with your T?

[rainbow8]

doogie: I can relate and I understand perfectly. I've always wanted to be "little" in therapy but only my current T has encouraged me to talk about those feelings. She does Internal Family Systems which makes it easier to focus on a little part of me. We used to do this more last year. She would ask how old that part was, what did she want, did she know "I" was there, and what could my T do to help? Questions like that.

I was scared to death when I told my T that the "little" part wanted to hold her hand, but I did. The child part was comforted by holding hands with my T, and we still do it sometimes when I ask her to.

When I once told my T that I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and sit in her pouch all day, she liked that image. She has told me all along to accept and have compassion for all of my parts, little or big.

Since you've already told your T about that part, and she accepts "her", can you discuss it some more and see what happens? My T also asked me what that part likes to do, as a way of my becoming acquainted, in a manner of speaking, with her. Mostly I wanted my T to take care of "little me" which is a perfectly understandable desire for many of us in therapy.

I also hated that part and felt ashamed of her. I didn't want any "little" part of me feeling like I wanted my T to hold and comfort her. I think that if you let yourself feel whatever you do about this part of you, in the safety of your T's office, there can be much healing that can come from it. Good luck!

[unaluna]

We have two therapy dolls in session every time. T holds his carefully in his arm, more or less consciously, the whole time - basically, he's holding me, and I do feel it. My doll gets thrown haphazardly across my lap when I sit down and is usually completely forgotten for the rest of the session. I think that represents how my family saw me, and how I see myself. If I can ever "pick myself up" and attend to myself for even 5 minutes in a session, it will be a major accomplishment. I might have a breakdown if I did. or a breakthrough?

[CantExplain]

It says something about our society that adults are expected to be adult all the time.

There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes - Dr Who.

[growlycat]

Frankly, being an adults sucks. You have hit a common nerve!! I wish my T would just care for me sometimes instead of drilling me about what I've done this week to take care of myself.

Originally Posted by doogie

Going out a limb here, so be gentle.
I told her once in T that I wanted to be "little". Her response was I can be anything I want to be in that room but I don't really know what I want to be when I say that. I think part of it is I just want her protection and caring for that little part, but at the same time I hate that little part.

Yes. Yes. So much yes... I tell T I want to be little so often.. and so often I feel little and scared and it's so hard..

PM me if you'd like to talk. Sorry I don't have any advice.

[struggling2]

the idea of being a little kid again makes me feel uneasy. I have fragmented, vague memories from 12-15 and almost nothing prior to age 12. I just have no desire to be that uncertain, scared, fearful, timid little person who has really no say or control of what goes on in their world. Cause that's what I do remember or feel when I think about childhood. There are times where I feel "little" and wish someone of a motherly figure could re-do what I think I missed out on and I do wish T could sometimes fill that void but it's usually outside of session when I have those feelings. In session I'm hiding behind of facade...keeping calm and neutral.....