Bringing a parent to therapy?

I spoke with my T yesterday (who I've been seeing around 10 months now) and she raised the idea of having my mum phone her, or maybe bringing mum with me to session...

I don't know what to think. Our discussions in therapy often come around to my mum, as she left when I was 12 and I've had a somewhat rocky and turbulent relationship with her. We get along now, for the most part - but I feel that's only because we don't see much of each other. She does support me in ways - ie: she paid for my car and keeps it on the road, she shares my horse with me.. But I get little from her in way of emotional support. I know she loves me but sometimes she can be so volatile, angry, and thoughtless in the way she speaks to/treats me that I don't feel it.

My T has become something of a maternal figure to me (reading the boards here I know a few of you feel that way) and I realise I've always looked for mother figures/strong female role models.

Take just yesterday, I had a massive panic attack and found myself curled up on the floor being repeatedly sick. I called my mum - mostly to make arrangements about the horse, I know not to ring her for comfort - and she ended up shouting at me, despite knowing I wasn't well. I was in a hell of a state, so I ended up ringing my T - who talked to me, soothed me, distracted me, and suggested things that might make me feel better. She even managed to make me laugh. You see what I'm saying.

Now my T wants to meet my mum, to try and work with her and get her to see I need support.. I have two main fears:

1. My mum will be completely lovely to my T - present herself in the way her friends see her, not revealing the ugly side and temper I know lurks underneath - and my T will start to take a different view of the things I say and the way I relate to her.

2. Mum WILL show her ugly side - towards T - and I will be mortified. What would I do if she started getting all up in her face or pinned her to a wall?!

Both fears may be a little irrational - though probably not so much as you might think! But, another fear:

3. Mum will punish me until the end of days for what happens in that room. She doesn't know I talk about her in therapy. She doesn't know I have this big problem with her. And, I really don't want to hurt her feelings. Would this just open a huge can of worms for us?

Now, I do trust my T, and I trust in her ability - that she can 'handle' her - otherwise I wouldn't even be contemplating it. On the one hand I think my T is so skilled that she may be able to help me and mum have a better relationship, communicate better.. But then on the other hand I know my mum! I almost don't want to bring her in to what I have with T - I don't want her to poison it somehow...

Sorry, long rambling post...

Anyway! Have any of you ever brought a parent to T? (Or would you?) what happened? And was it a positive or negative experience?

Any thoughts?

Oh my girl! Yes, I brought my mother in. And change came from the most unexpected direction: when I heard my mother answer a question T asked her about me. All of a sudden, I saw how she felt about me, who I was to her. T didn't even catch it. Didn't matter. I don't even remember anything else from the session. I know my mother had an agenda and did not want to give anything up, but this question took her by surprise ("Hasn't Hankster been a good daughter to you?") and she showed her hand: "Daughter??" Whatever our relationship was, it wasn't "mother-daughter". And if the women's movement has shown us anything, it's that what we call things matters.

So I say, do it. It can be an awesome learning experience. Just stay in the moment, have no expectations, try to treat your mother like a stranger in group therapy (for the most part), and let your T lead.

The fears you have make sense to me. I think I'd have similar ones, though mine has grown out of the yelling part in old age. I can't imagine her agreeing to it anyway. I'm curious that a t would agree to do this with people since it seems like the t would naturally be a bit on the side of the child (you) since you've been talking to him for longer. (Not that the t wouldn't have other good reasons for being on your side as well.) I know t's work with families but guess I thought the child would have to be a child still. Sorry I don't have any advice but good luck if you try it.

I can understand your fears of bringing your mom to therapy....however my opinion is that you should try and bring her in....I don't think that T will discredit you on what you've said about your mom if she is on her best behavior....I would think T would be expecting her to be, right? Anyways T has a relationship with yOu not your mom.

My T wants me to bring my father in and I have the same fears....unfortunatley my father doesn't want anything to do with talking to my T :/

I think all of your fears are valid. I brought my mom to one session with T many years ago. The best thing to come of it was that my T got to see--and I got to really take in--how little my mom actually hears me even when I'm being very direct. My mom doesn't know me and doesn't want to know me because she'd rather go with the idea of me that she has in her head. That didn't change, but I did see it more clearly and it was really powerful to have T see it too because then I couldn't as easily dismiss how painful my relationship with my mom really is. It was a turning point for me despite the fact that my mom and our relationship didn't change.

I think you have a rock and a hard place to consider; either you say, "no" and wonder what might have happened or you say "yes" and might get a "bigger" mess than you had before.

I would look at the two women and which you'd rather be like/trust and go with that woman; if you want to protect yourself and mother and keep the relationship as it is, say, "no" but if you want to "shake things up" and see if you get lucky and/or T, by knowing more might be able to help you more, say "yes"?

My t has made the offer a few times over the years, but I haven't taken her up on it. For me, it was mostly the idea of "contaminating" the safe place of the therapy room with my mom. I love my mom, but we have an enmeshed relationship. She feels she can dictate and judge what I think and feel. Therapy has been a safe place from all that.

My reason is really more of an emotional one rather than a logical one. Logically, I know t would make it work out okay.

Does my post make sense to anyone but me?

Best,
EJ

That makes a lot of sense to me EJ, very eloquently put! This is how I feel, I just couldn't find the words to express it, but yes, I fear my mum will contaminate my safe place, contaminate what I have with T... Your relationship with your mom sounds kinda like mine

THIS is exactly what I meant. I love how eloquent people are on here, I truly do. In my case, my T didn't hear what I heard, just because he didn't KNOW my mother, but he asked the one magic question that changed - clarified - everything.

Rock and a hard place is right.

I choose T. T is the better role model, the more balanced, the healthier woman. The more open minded and nurturing and kind... and T has never given me any reason/excuse not to trust her, mum has. But...

It's funny you use the word 'protect'... I guess I do want to protect my mum, as I do love her and I don't want to hurt her... but, I also have the feeling of wanting to 'protect' my T from my mum - it occurs to me that my lovely T has done nothing to deserve what could turn out to be an ugly encounter!

Thanks for your perspective

I will continue to think.. maybe I need to speak more with T about it.

Great post, thanks for this. This is a problem I have with my mum also, she just doesn't 'hear' me. It occurs to me that my mum doesn't really know 'me' that well either, and I'm really not sure if she wants to. I'm not sure my relationship with my mum will ever change, whether she agrees to talk to T or not, and a lot of what my T has previously said to me about my mum is more about me accepting who she is and the relationship we do have rather than wishing/hoping it was something else...

Hee, I think maybe I already do treat my mum like a stranger in group therapy

I think my mum very much sees our relationship as 'mother-daughter' -- but she has a really twisted view of what that should be. She believes mother-daughter relationships by their very nature are turbulent and violent and crazy love/hate, that they can't be any other way. That's how her relationship was with her mum. Sometimes my T talks about her (altogether different) experiences with her own daughter, and I just die.

my T says that my mother views love as being like that - eww, I can't even say it, I think I mentally block my ears and go la-la-la-la when he talks about it. I just say NO! I think it's a 2 yr-old's no. I won't have her probe me like that - and yeah I kinda wonder what I mean by that. ETA - it was a one-off when I took my mother. If you REALLY want to do something with her, maybe a couples' counseling with a different T? Don't risk polluting your space with T. You have good enough awareness of what's going on, and what mum's abilities are.

You are SO brave for being able to even think about having your mum talk to your T. Amazing!!
I would NEVER in a zillion years be able to do that. Wouldn't even consider it. However, my T does not want to ever meet my parents, either--she'd probably punch them both out.

The first therapist I saw when I was in my 20s kept telling me to bring my mother in when she would come to visit me (my mother is now deceased so it does not come up). My response was always horror. The therapist did not have to ride back home in the car with her. Or spend the next several days being alternately sobbed, berated and raged at for making the therapist think she was a bad mother. It still can give me nightmares.

I would NEVER do this. I read my T an email from my mother. That is proof enough of her total manic strangeness. I felt exhausted after just reading the email. I'd have to sleep for 3 days if I brought her to therapy. And the repercussions in my relationship with mom would be neverending. It would just be wave after crushing wave of uncomfortable conversations. Just thinking about it makes me shudder.

Sounds like your T will support you regardless of what lies under that stone - I'd have a look if |I were you.

my mother writes me letters now from time to time - I bring those in to read, I usually can't open them at home.

Oh man, the even THOUGHT of bringing either of my parents in to see my therapist is horrific! Eeeeew