T bought me tampons

... in fact, I think she bought me *all* the tampons in the entire pharmacy!

I am 29. When I was 8, my parents sat me down at the kitchen table and told me about periods. In the same conversation, they announced that they were concerned I would be too tall as an adult, so they were taking me to an endocrinologist who would put me on the contraceptive pill and induce puberty- did I agree? I did. Ha. Within weeks my body was no longer my own and I had periods which my mother was not equipped to help me with. She didn’t even have the words. She called it ‘it’. I followed her round for hours before I could even try to mention ‘it’. My peers and siblings did not even know about periods, and there was no one else to help me. The protection she gave me was inadequate and stuck to me painfully and I bled through my clothes. At age 11, I went to boarding school and tried (unsuccessfully) to conceal the fact that I had periods while sharing a room with 13 others. At 13 I spent a year in a psychiatric hospital, and no one thought to give me anything to use. I bled through pair after pair of underwear and hid them in the back of my wardrobe, to be shamefully discovered when they searched my room for razor blades. At age 15 I was in foster care and finally plucked up the courage to ask the cleaner to help me buy a bra- nobody ever had. She said yes but the foster carer kicked me out before the cleaner could help me. There was nobody to talk to and nobody ever helped me. I feel like crying writing this.

In the meantime, I developed a horror of straight sex and a phobia of penetration which makes me unable to have smear tests and makes it unlikely that I would be able to try to conceive or give birth. It also makes me unable to use tampons, which T has been encouraging me to do to make periods feel more bearable.

Today, T had a break before my session. She did what no other adult in my life ever did for me- she went to the shop, and bought me tampons. Boxes of all kinds of different ones. We spent a slightly hysterical hour pulling off wrappings and tugging on strings and debating whether my vagina would be longer than her vagina (she’s short, I’m tall). She drew hard-to-decipher diagrams which had us giggling, and at one point was standing on one leg trying to demonstrate angles. I asked her all the questions I never got to ask. When I apologised for being stupid, she said I wasn’t, and I believed her. It felt- right.

I’m still freaking terrified to try to use them. But I have a tiny bit of hope. This is more than tampons. This is making the past Right, where ‘right’ is weighty and peaceful. This is helping me take a step towards the future I so want.

A long time ago, Tree posted a song called ‘This is to mother you’. Today this part was true: “And when you need me I will do what your own mother couldn’t do, which is to mother you”. And I wanted to share it with you here because there's nowhere else in the world I can say "T bought me tampons" and be understood. Thanks guys

This is beautiful and a little bit funny.

Or was that a little bit beautiful and funny?

Thank you for posting it....I feel like crying reading it.

This was such a moving post. Thank you so much for sharing. And what an absolute angel your therapist was to take you under her wing and give you the experience you should have had growing up.

You are not alone in your phobias. I have these as well, has your Therapist mentioned why she thinks these phobias developed? I haven't really spoke to mine about it yet, i'd be interested to know why we feel the way we do?

Geez i feel all emotional after reading your post Improving.

so you are tall after all!

that was a loving thing to do for you.

that's incredible Improving, thanks for sharing

Tears welled up in my eyes. That is so touching. I'm sorry for all your pain.

mcl, do. Not. Get. Me. Started.

I am 6ft (T seems to be to be about 3ft 6, though I'm sure she must be a bit taller than that!). When I read the endocrinologist's medical records as an adult, he estimated that my height without the treatment woud have had an upper limit of 6ft 3. All that to 'spare' me a maximum of 3 inches.

It was quite a catastrophic decision in terms of its knock on effects, but I accept that my parents did their best with what they knew. I'm more angry with the endocrinologist, particularly since reading a Lancet paper which shows the treatment is associated with significantly higher rates of unexplained infertility.

Somewhat ironically, 'growth attenuation' treatment was developed in the 1950s as a result of anxieties that tall women would not find husbands. I'm a lesbian.

Asiablue, thank you for your lovely response. In terms of the causes of the phobia, I tend to drive myself a bit mad thinking about this. I'm not sure I'm going to find 'an answer'; I'm also not sure if it's helping me to be feeling like I have to 'justify' it. I have chosen for now to put the sex stuff to one side and to focus on this very specific aim of using tampons because I feel this will be more helpful in terms of moving towards my other goals. But I'm not sure how well I will be able to do this, as tampons are not really separate from all the rest of it. I'd be very interested to hear how you get on as you process this with your T.

That's a lovely story, improving. I love that your T provided such an affirming and reparative experience.

Yes, so sad and ignorant and hurtful, but now reparative and hopeful, exactly. Inspiring.

What a sad story with a good ending.

omg can i relate to this story i think it is awsome of your T to take the time to relate to you in this way to help it be ok for you.she is definately a keeper

That was such an amazing story. I'm so happy for you! Thanks for posting.

That was such a nice thing for your T to do for you! Also, don't feel embarrassed - I am scared to use tampons too. The strange thing is, I have no problem masturbating but still wont use a tampon. Sorry, that was probably TMI.

Improving, I am sorry for all those times no one was there for you. What T did is so beautiful

WOW !!!! Your T gets the T of the month award for sure!!!! She is my new hero!!!!

oh my god what a wonderful post...thank you so much for sharing this. I cried while reading it! Your T is an angel for doing that...wow im actually speechless. i would give anything to have an experience with T like that!

What an awesome T.. I am so glad she took the time to work through those things with you.. And good for you about being so open about it all!!!

Great T.

My only advice is if you can feel a tampon in the muscles of your vagina after you insert it you have not inserted it deeply enough. When that happens to me I have to remove it and insert a different one.

Your T = totally awesome. That is single-handedly the coolest thing I've ever heard a T do!

improving, this is a great story, and I have to say it's the best thread title ever in here. I am the same age as you and have issues surrounding insertion/penetration as well. My reasons are different from yours, though. Anyway, I'm very sorry all of that ****** stuff happened to you when you were growing up, and your T is awesome.

Wow, what a great story and a great T!
Bluemountains

Improving--I am in agreeance with your awesome T!

BUT, i laughed out loud picturing your T in different positions to show you how to do it.

I was afraid of tampons until my senior year of college. My mom said on the day I first got my period "This is nothing to cry about. THere is a pad in the bathroom." That was the end of the discussion, so there was no way i'd ever talk about tampons! My senior year of college my friends were all like "You've never used a tampon!"

And proceeded to buy me them and tell me how to use it/how it should feel if its right. BEST FRIENDS EVER.

Yeah, my mom was very open with us, talking about sex and puberty, but I think the age difference between us is the reason tampons always felt like this "exotic" thing to me, haha. I didn't get my period until I was almost 14, which would have made her 55 at the time. She never used tampons so why would she think to show me? Anyway I never used one until I was 26