I have been reading some posts about the "other" client and wanted to post my recent (and not so recent) experience with ONE (or more) of T's other clients.

A couple of years ago, my T appointment was scheduled later in the week than now. I liked it then, the time worked for my schedule and oddly, I enjoyed seeing T when my work week was almost over. It gave me a chance to get grounded and re-group before the next week.

A few months in my therapy, T's assistant called and requested I change my appointment (day AND time) to accomodate a practicum student.

I wanted to be compliant client so, I did.

BUT.

I hated it.

I didn't even realize I hated it until one of my several ruptures with T.

In anger I told T, I didn't feel I had a choice, the message being sent (certainly, being received) was the "other" client's schedule was more important than mine. I was less important. I asked for my old time back when it came available again. ( I wanted to regain some power in the situation) To my knowledge, it hasn't happened because I have never been offered it back.

SO.

Yesterday, T's assistant calls me and leaves a message. She wants me to move again to accomodate a student. WTH? Really?

I am triggered by her call .... and mad at my T. Does he not pay attention to anything I say?

I wrote him an angry note but didn't send it. Basically, it said I know I am triggered again.

I wrote, "I pay you, YOU figure it out! "

Am I being unreasonable?

Certainly NOT!! PLEASE tell him you do NOT want to switch!! It's your right!!

I have had to move clients and I know it's painful. When I'm told I have a new responsibility, like a student, who only has limited availability, it goes against my choices as well. But even where I work and in situations like this, if the client can NOT switch, then THEY have to figure it out! If it's a better day/time for you, maybe it's worth it??? Explore what they want you to switch to! If it's not, please refuse!

[Coraline]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I think it was a good move to write an angry note and another good move not to send it.

I'd suggest sending a note (or asking directly, if you can) in a very neutral way, asking about the request to move your appointment again after the feedback you gave last time that you were very upset at being asked to move it. I'd keep emotion/accusation out of it as much as possible - for example, asking "what were the reasons for..." is more neutral than "why..." or "how could you...", "didn't you think that..." etc. Then I'd give your T space to respond.

Your emotions around this seem absolutely valid. Unfortunately, I think they also give your T a possible distraction and a way to focus this issue back on you. If your question's factual and neutral, then that means your T needs to consider his decisions/actions and his reasons for them. It's also more likely that you'll find out what was really behind it. Maybe it was an oversight, poor communication with his assistant, a misunderstanding etc or maybe your T really didn't listen or didn't respect what you said.

When you've got a response, then I think you could talk about how that makes you feel. If you can hold back the anger until that point it gives you more power in the situation. Establishing all the facts before reacting is a very powerful thing to do, and it would create a pause in which your T needs to do some thinking and give you a proper response.

[granite1]

no i don't think you are being unreasonable at all i like what stormy said it may be a better time for you .check it out first and then decide.

maybe it is your T's asst that is in charge of the schedule for the T and T may not even know at first that you were contacted and asked to do this again(i know it isn't always easy to hear other possibilities ,I'm practicing looking at other scenarios then the horrors in my head)T may have just said to asst this person needs to see me can you a place to fit this person in.
i hope you will be able to express this to T and maybe work it out

[mixedup_emotions]

I can imagine this triggering yucky feelings of being less important. I do hope you address it with T and make the decision that is best for YOU. There have been times when my T has asked me to change my session date/time (as a one-off thing)....but he always puts it in a way where it's my choice and only if it is convenient/ok with me.

[Perna]

I tried not to get hung up on scheduling and location issues. I knew my schedule was very flexible for time, day, and location; I told T I'd go anywhere between the Atlantic Ocean and Ohio, Pennsylvania's border with New York down to Virginia's border with North Carolina I was working the job I was #1 to pay her out-of-pocket ($800-$1000 a month) and only #2 for the health insurance, #3 for the IRA/retirement investment and wanting to like the job was a distant #4 (it turned out to be one of the best jobs I'd ever had; was custom made for me).

When I get upset about things outside the therapy room, I try to look at them as if I'm signed up to take a class and really want that particular class with that particular teacher. I didn't consider the other students at all; who they were, why they were there, what they were doing, how much they paid for the class, if they were scholarship or I thought they belonged/didn't belong in that class.

[TayQuincy]

Why get angry at T when it was the receptionist or assistant that made the request? Perhaps T doesn't even know about it. And why get angry at anyone when you are the one who agreed to do it? It sounds like you are really angry at yourself for doing something you really didn't want to. If you really didn't have a choice, they would have said "we need to switch your day and time".

Originally Posted by Perna

I tried not to get hung up on scheduling and location issues. I knew my schedule was very flexible for time, day, and location; I told T I'd go anywhere between the Atlantic Ocean and Ohio, Pennsylvania's border with New York down to Virginia's border with North Carolina I was working the job I was #1 to pay her out-of-pocket ($800-$1000 a month) and only #2 for the health insurance, #3 for the IRA/retirement investment and wanting to like the job was a distant #4 (it turned out to be one of the best jobs I'd ever had; was custom made for me).

When I get upset about things outside the therapy room, I try to look at them as if I'm signed up to take a class and really want that particular class with that particular teacher. I didn't consider the other students at all; who they were, why they were there, what they were doing, how much they paid for the class, if they were scholarship or I thought they belonged/didn't belong in that class.

I try hard not to get hung up on anything, too. Unfortunately, it's not always easy for me.

For me, I am less upset about WHO it is (or the why or what of it) and more upset about HOW it happened. If I used your analogy, it's like I signed up to take a class with that particular teacher and was given a seat in the class. Then, half way through the semester, I am told I need to give up my seat and my spot in the class for another class at another time with the SAME teacher. TWICE.

The first time was presented to me as a choice, this one was not.

Originally Posted by TayQuincy

Why get angry at T when it was the receptionist or assistant that made the request? Perhaps T doesn't even know about it. And why get angry at anyone when you are the one who agreed to do it? It sounds like you are really angry at yourself for doing something you really didn't want to. If you really didn't have a choice, they would have said "we need to switch your day and time".

I agreed to it the first time. I didn't really want to, the new time was less convenient for me but I did because, as I mentioned, I wanted to be the compliant client. Yes, I know I am angry at me and this is about me.

When I realized, I talked to T about it. He is the one who told me to stop giving my power away. So, I asked for it back when the appointment time comes available again.

This time, I do not have a choice. The voicemail message says "I NEED to move you to accommodate a student supervision."

I don't want to go to T this week. It's irrational, I know.

Stupid ME.

[anilam]

I am a student and my schedule is changing twice a year- my T knows that and every time he finds some clients who are willing to change their times for me (I do twice a week therapy).

I am wondering... If you don't want to change it why can't you just say NO?

I know my T only asks them if it's possible for them to change their time and it's OK either way. I myself have done that for some other client twice and didn't mind at all (actually I was happy to pay it forward:-).
Also I am deeply grateful to anyone who had done that for my sake.

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

This time, I do not have a choice. The voicemail message says "I NEED to move you to accommodate a student supervision."

.

I think this means that your T needs to do supervision with a T-in-training, that's what student supervision is. Which means that student-in-training has a few clients and needs to be supervised with those clients. So the student's supervision time needs to be arranged around his or her client's schedule, your T's schedule, and the student's other scheduling commitments. That's a lot of scheduling to accommodate, much more complex than just individual clients' schedules.

At least that's what "student supervision" meant to my wife, when she was in graduate school for clinical psychology. (She now does research in that field, not therapy). Maybe it doesn't matter to you if you've been asked to switch because your T needs to meet with his student for supervision (and he has probably had a long standing commitment to supervise students) as opposed to being asked to switch for another client, who is a student. But if your sibling rivalry buttons are being pushed because you think that T is favoring another client over you, as opposed to needing that time to supervise another T (in training), then maybe this helps.

It seems to me that no matter what is distressing/triggering you, it would make sense to work through this issue. It seems that your interpretation about what this situation means is really at the heart of the problem. It's not unreasonable for your T or the receptionist to ASK you to switch-- and the word "need" doesn't mean that you are being forced to, people use this word all the time to communicate all kinds of things, like "it's really important to us that this work out, we're not asking this for a trivial reason". And just because someone asked you to switch your day or time, doesn't mean that they are saying you are less important than anyone else.

Why shouldn't you be thoughtful and considerate of your T's schedule, if it is no skin off your nose? Perhaps there are other better ways to "take back your power" than making a fuss about this. If one time is reasonably equivalent to another-- and I see my T at a different time and day almost every week-- so what?

I just don't think this requires as much energy as you are putting into it. If you just don't want to do it, then call back and say you can't make that work with your schedule. You don't need to explain why or pretend that you're sorry, you can just be straight. And then talk to your T about what you heard and what you think it meant to you, and work through it.

My advice is worth what you paid for it.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by lost in termination

I agreed to it the first time. I didn't really want to, the new time was less convenient for me but I did because, as I mentioned, I wanted to be the compliant client. Yes, I know I am angry at me and this is about me.

When I realized, I talked to T about it. He is the one who told me to stop giving my power away. So, I asked for it back when the appointment time comes available again.

This time, I do not have a choice. The voicemail message says "I NEED to move you to accommodate a student supervision."

I don't want to go to T this week. It's irrational, I know.

Stupid ME.

This wasn't there when I started to write my reply.
Anyhow I'd still say no if I didn't want to move. Your time is your time- he can have stg important and move/cancel you few times but not take it from you and just state it as a fact. That would make me seriously angry.

Originally Posted by lost in termination

This time, I do not have a choice. The voicemail message says "I NEED to move you to accommodate a student supervision."

Well how bloody rude! I don't understand whether this is from T or his receptionist, but whoever it is needs a lesson in interpersonal effectiveness. Their current method is likely to aggravate people and make them even less likely to give them what they want.

Please speak to T about this. I'm glad you feel like standing up for yourself.

You mention that this is "triggering." Personally, I think your level of anger is not really appropriate to the current situation. It may be your feelings were triggered from the past, and your anger is really about things that happened in the past, maybe a loss of power?

I don't have a standing appt with my T. He teaches, supervises other Ts, travels a lot on other projects, etc. That's the way it is. I never know when my next appt will be until the end of the session - a week if I'm lucky, maybe almost 3 weeks. That's just the reality of the situation. He does his best to get my in once a week because I've told him it's very important to me. I have a choice to accept this erratic schedule, or find another T. I choose to stay.

Your T has other clients besides you, and they're all important too. I would bring this up with him and tell him just how angry you are, and how it makes you feel. This could be an opportunity to learn something. Sorry you're feeling so frustrated and I hope you can resolve this soon.

[stopdog]

Is it possible to tell him you cannot come at any other time? Ithink it is sort of wrong of the therapist to leave it to the assistant rather than discussing this with you in person. Is it forever or just one week?

Originally Posted by ListenMoreTalkLess

Maybe it doesn't matter to you if you've been asked to switch because your T needs to meet with his student for supervision (and he has probably had a long standing commitment to supervise students) as opposed to being asked to switch for another client, who is a student. But if your sibling rivalry buttons are being pushed because you think that T is favoring another client over you, as opposed to needing that time to supervise another T (in training), then maybe this helps.

It seems to me that no matter what is distressing/triggering you, it would make sense to work through this issue. It seems that your interpretation about what this situation means is really at the heart of the problem. It's not unreasonable for your T or the receptionist to ASK you to switch-- and the word "need" doesn't mean that you are being forced to, people use this word all the time to communicate all kinds of things, like "it's really important to us that this work out, we're not asking this for a trivial reason". And just because someone asked you to switch your day or time, doesn't mean that they are saying you are less important than anyone else.

Why shouldn't you be thoughtful and considerate of your T's schedule, if it is no skin off your nose? Perhaps there are other better ways to "take back your power" than making a fuss about this. If one time is reasonably equivalent to another-- and I see my T at a different time and day almost every week-- so what?

I just don't think this requires as much energy as you are putting into it. If you just don't want to do it, then call back and say you can't make that work with your schedule. You don't need to explain why or pretend that you're sorry, you can just be straight. And then talk to your T about what you heard and what you think it meant to you, and work through it.

My advice is worth what you paid for it.

First, thank you ListenMoreTalkLess. It does make perfect sense and I wish that all of me could see it logically. Immediately after the message, I knew I was triggered. I purposefully did NOT respond because I feared I might cancel my appointment and avoid the conversation. It has NOTHING to do with the person being a practicum student, student with supervision or just another client.

I am not jealous of T's other clients. Although, I can understand why some might read my post and intepret it differently.

I think it has more to do with me left with the feeling this is a no-win situation. I know this isn't accurate. I would be switched from a Wednesday afternoon to a Monday @ 8:30. I work full time so any changes are difficult for me.

Originally Posted by stopdog

Is it possible to tell him you cannot come at any other time? Ithink it is sort of wrong of the therapist to leave it to the assistant rather than discussing this with you in person. Is it forever or just one week?

I agree and yes, it is possible.

I think THIS is part of my problem, especially since we have had MULTIPLE conversations about the last time it happened.

It would be permanent.

[elliemay]

I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. I would feel the same way you do. If their proposed time doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work for you.

I can be very very passive aggressive in situations like this. I freely admit that, but maybe you can use this new appointment fiasco to get your old time back.

Tell them you would be happy to switch times to your old time slot....

Also, be sure that you don't take "no" for an answer from someone who really can't give you that "no".

Who is the boss there? The therapist or the receptionist.....

[bluemountains]

Would it have been better if the t had contacted you to explain the situation? If so, perhaps during your next session, you could talk with your t about this. What I understand that you are saying is that it is frustrating because it seems that your scheduled time isn't valued as a time that is important/costly to you.

I understand your frustration concerning scheduling during work time. In my job, it is hard to schedule time off because I have to make lesson plans and have my students question where I go during this time. Also, I have to ask off in advance and once a substitute is hired I have to take the time, cancellation or not. I have no "sick" days left, so every time I'm off, it comes out of my paycheck.

Bluemountains

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

You mention that this is "triggering." Personally, I think your level of anger is not really appropriate to the current situation. It may be your feelings were triggered from the past, and your anger is really about things that happened in the past, maybe a loss of power?

Maybe? Definitely, I am triggered by my not-so-recent-past, my recent past and even some current experiences.