turmoil

My brain is twisting and turning and I know I need to make some kind of huge change in my life. I used to be a CPA. I had a breakdown 6 years ago and couldn't hold a job, so I went on disability. I started T and PDOC and meds and had many hospitalizations. Since then I've been through a bunch of med changes and a few t's. I've been seeing the current one for a year and a half. I just can't seem to move forward. I am so lonely, and the days are long. I hardly ever leave the house.

So something's got to give. I need to get back to my life somehow. I keep thinking I need to stop meds and T. Like that will somehow get me back to where I was. I just can't do all this anymore, I feel subhuman, like I am wasting my life trying to get better. So frustrated with this roller-coaster that I am stuck on. I want to get out of the mental health system. Thing is that I don't know if I will crash and burn if I try it. I don't know if going off meds will put me back where I was or send me off into oblivion.

The easy answer is talk to t. I can't seem to explain this to him, I don't really want to. I guess I am just writing here to vent, to have the thoughts out and someone hear me. A shout into the cloud.

hey I am kinda in the same boat, except for being old and not so cute! are you stable? ie on your meds? I would say don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. why not find a volunteer position for a couple of days a week, and if that works out okay you remain stable, then after 6 months or a year (or whatever the commitment they wanted), you can contact SSA and get on the Ticket to Work program. I had a thing of being cool for a while (like 2 years) then freaking out, and the cool periods started getting shorter and the freaking out times got longer.

thanks hankster. I have been looking at volunteer opportunities for a month or so...I am so afraid to commit, what if I screw up or get wacko...arg. No, I am not really stable, but I don't want to keep trying different meds either. I want to do the whole road to recovery thing but I am stuck in wacko land.

Could you take some CFP courses online (distance learning), look at moving over to that profession very slowly? You could then get private clients maybe:

http://www.cfp.net/become/programs.asp

I've been sort of thinking of doing that, both for "fun" and to be of help to myself and others.

hmmm....that's very interesting perna. I could screw up and fix it if I am doing it from home and not freak so much.

Thanks for posting-no words of wisdom, I just related to your struggle-I am so glad people are here to help encourage you and give you some suggestions. Keep putting one foot in front of the other-you will find your path (be it a new one or the one you are currently on) Peace

The more "normal" things you do the more "normal" you are going to feel. Of course you are going to need therapy to work out the issues that arise while you are trying to do "normal".

It's great that you are thinking about going back to work!
I would just say don't rush it. Better to have a part time job than a job you are not ready for.

One other thing: Make sure you get a good boss! A good boss is more important than good money, good hours or a good job generally.

A bad boss would be dangerous right now. In fact, don't ever accept a bad boss for the rest of your life.

Just my arrogant opinion.

One of the things that the mental health system is very very good at I think is convincing us that we are worse off than we think we are.

I mean, part of that is required to actually get us into treatment and help that part of us that actually needs treatment.

However, if we aren't really careful, and land in the hands of really highly trained, good providers, our self determination can really take a hit.

I ask you to only consider the fact that you might not freak out at all if things didn't go as well as you'd hoped on the first shot at it.

You likely can handle the stresses just fine.

You've got the skills and now you have the will to use them.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Your treatment team is still there, to help.

I say go for it.

Cool for you!

Yes, I like this very much. When I try doing things I feel like I am on an alien planet. Everything is stressful and scarey. I want normal.

Yea, I have had enough of those. Not sure I am ready to work though. I do really like the idea of something part time, but maybe volunteer work.

I just learned of an opportunity at the local wildlife rescue. It ain't accounting...which is good for now. And it's animals not people, really good.

A therapist can help you get there. Go out and try a "normal". Of course it isn't going to fit perfectly. Go back to T and explain what you did and how you felt trying to do this "normal". Analyze it with T, get out your feelings about it, get good feedback from him, come up with a strategy, go back out and try this "normal" again - and repeat. This is how I got better at everything that I have improved in my life.

I hope it gets better. I understand not seeming able to explain it. I want to explain it and I cannot figure out how to make it more simple, clear and concise, and the therapist still seems clueless.