[lostmyway21]

So today's session was really emotional. We went for a walk. The first thing he brought up was what happened yesterday. The 20 emails and the freaking out about being abandoned. He didn't understand, that after he reassures me once why I ask him for it again. I had to explain, that I stay worked up for hours sometimes. He then had to explain how our relationship is different than all the other ones that I have been in. That NO matter what I tell him, he will not abandon me, he will only get me additional care. He explained to me that I need to stop comparing him to other people that have abandoned me, because he has given me no reason to think he will. He also explained why I need to take risks in trusting people even though it's really scary to me. BUT overall he understands why I struggle so much, and it's something we will continue to work on together.

The second half of session I brought up the moving down to one session a week. I asked him why that's progress and why I couldn't just stay at two? He told me he wouldn't be doing his job as my T if we weren't trying to progress towards seeing him less. I immediately starting getting edging and anxious and he saw it and asked if I was okay. I said no. He started explaining to me that once I was healthier I would need him less, but assured me it wouldn't be for a long time. I asked if he saw a lot of patients twice a week, he said no. I was a bit surprised to be honest. He asked me if I was wanted to see him twice a week forever. I didn't lie. I said I would see him five times a week if I could. He told me I can't rely on him that much. I kept asking him why. Sometimes he didn't have an answer. I started getting really upset, so I put my hoodie on, and he told me to take it off. (it's my way of shutting down.) he kept explaining to me why I needed to eventually see him less but I started to dissociate and he saw it. He kept asking if I was listening and I said no. Then I starting crying and he asked why I was upset or worried and all I could get out was I was scared about losing him as my stability. He said that's why he wants me to form other healthy relationships, and he won't leave me on my own until I'm stable, and that I can ALWAYS email and come back if I'm struggling.

Then we went back to the office and I sat down. He said I looked sad, and he started talking and said he was frustrated that he couldn't get through to me to make it better. Then I fell apart. He told me all he could do is promise he won't abandon me. He wrote it on one of his appointment cards and gave it to me before I left.

I'm really drained. I don't know if that makes much sense. I just needed to get it out. Sorry.

[WikidPissah]

(((lost))) do something nice for yourself tonight, you've had a rough session.

[InTherapy]

It makes sense.

Your T sounds really great. I think all you can do is give it time.

[BonnieJean]

Feelings of abandonment are very hard. I can understand why you feel drained.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

Feelings of abandonment are very hard. I can understand why you feel drained.

It's the hardest issue for me with him. It involves a lot attachment, and transference issues.

[granite1]

i can see from what you have said that you T can be very reassuring.wnd that he is trying to tell you he isnt going to abandon you and he has faith in you that you will at some time be able to be stable and be able to develop relationships other then with him.i bet it is hard to see now but do you thnk you could trust him a little in this..also i agree do something nice and calming for yourself tonight .you did good

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by granite1

i can see from what you have said that you T can be very reassuring.wnd that he is trying to tell you he isnt going to abandon you and he has faith in you that you will at some time be able to be stable and be able to develop relationships other then with him.i bet it is hard to see now but do you thnk you could trust him a little in this..also i agree do something nice and calming for yourself tonight .you did good

I know I SHOULD trust him (he HAS earned it the last few months) and I see he gets upset when I don't, but it's really hard to trust anyone.

[granite1]

believe me i know that it is.and it causes so much pain and heart ache when you want to to bad and you just cant seem to no matter what is said and done

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

(((lost))) do something nice for yourself tonight, you've had a rough session.

Hm I've never found a nice way to deal with my emotions after a difficult session.

[taylor43]

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))) take comfort knowing he will not abandon you. I am so glad you have a caring t and i hope you will take gentle care of yourself.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Hm I've never found a nice way to deal with my emotions after a difficult session.

I hear that.

[carla.cdt]

after a difficult session, I always liked to get a new book and a new scented candle. Sit down on the couch with a comfy blanket and soft pyjamas, light the candle, smell and read.
just an idea that worked for me, after I accepted that I deserved it.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by carla.cdt

after a difficult session, I always liked to get a new book and a new scented candle. Sit down on the couch with a comfy blanket and soft pyjamas, light the candle, smell and read.
just an idea that worked for me, after I accepted that I deserved it.

What a great idea! I'm still struggling to get balanced. Maybe that will help.

[WePow]

((((Lost))) I get it. Boy do I get it.