I saw this quote on the Psychology Today website (in reference to gossip), but I have lived my life by it: "If I maintain my silence about my secret it is my prisoner... if I let it slip from my tongue, I am its prisoner." —Arthur Schopenhauer. If others know my secrets, I am at their mercy. Everyone who ever found out a secret about me, up to this point in my life, has used it to hurt me. Except my first therapist. And in my life right now, I have my current therapist and three friends who know things about me that they could use to really hurt me, but have not done so, so far (and in my own little freudian slip, I initially typed "would" instead of "could" there).

I know I'm not the only person out there with this issue. One of the reasons I love this site is because I feel less alone with my issues. So, for those of you who felt this way and have overcome it, how do you overcome that feeling that exposure = pain?

MKAC I don't have any advice for overcoming the feeling that exposure = pain but what you described here "I have my current therapist and three friends who know things about me that they could use to really hurt me, but have not done so"... this is what everyone said in my previous thread "What does trust look like?" was TRUST... so I guess maybe with time and practice and having more trustworthy people in your life it will get easier...

[Chopin99]

I think that in the initial exposure, there is going to be pain. The pain must be worked through to heal from whatever caused the pain. The pain will not last forever. That is not to say I'm not afraid of the pain. I am.

[Perna]

Schopenhauer doesn't strike me as the best role model, he seems a bit of a misanthrope:

While in Berlin, Schopenhauer was named as a defendant in an action at law initiated by a woman named Caroline Marquet. She asked for damages, alleging that Schopenhauer had pushed her. According to Schopenhauer's court testimony, she deliberately annoyed him by raising her voice while standing right outside his door. Marquet alleged that the philosopher had assaulted and battered her after she refused to leave his doorway. Her companion testified that she saw Marquet prostrate outside his apartment. Because Marquet won the lawsuit, Schopenhauer made payments to her for the next twenty years.

From: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arthur_Schopenhauer

If one tells one's secrets, they can lose their hold on us and dissipate; we don't have to use all that energy to contain them. What "good" are they to you that you protect them like gold? They are in the past and fairly worthless except as you designate them in your own mind. I **** in my pants in 2nd grade and the teacher had to sniff me out! Very humiliating at the time. So? That's not who I am now and "why" that happened is mine and makes sense to me and who I am now; you can't hurt me with that knowledge of my past.

Thanks Perna. I wasn't saying he was an admirable person: just that I identified with that quote. I guess I'm not there yet in thinking that someone cannot hurt me with knowledge of my past. There are things I did even in second, third or fourth grade that I would be humiliated if people in general knew. I cannot forgive myself for being such a freaky little weirdo.

we dont think youre a freaky weirdo♥

mkac, would you say that the issue isn't only that you're safe as long as only you know your secrets, but also that if you tell your secrets, other people might get them wrong? That's something that bothers me and is a bit of a hindrance for me in therapy. Because if that happens you'll have lost control over your secret, it's out there and you can't get it back in, and in addition people still won't know the truth.

Add to this the fact that I'm terrified of being somebody who talks too much, because if people think I talk too much they will think I'm annoying... yep, I can definitely relate to that quote, I do want to keep the secrets prisoner. And I'm very frightened of the pain.

[Perna]

Forgive yourself?! You were a freaky little weirdo for a purpose; you were doing your very best to protect yourself and help yourself grow (and did a good job of it because here you are!). You grew "crooked" and anemic because you were put in a closet to grow instead of out on the sunny porch. None of that was up to you; you just hung in there (think of the plants growing through concrete or on the side of a windswept, rocky mountain) and kept looking for what you needed to grow, locating that tiny bit of light coming in from under the door and grew towards it.

[Snuffleupagus]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Thanks Perna. I wasn't saying he was an admirable person: just that I identified with that quote. I guess I'm not there yet in thinking that someone cannot hurt me with knowledge of my past. There are things I did even in second, third or fourth grade that I would be humiliated if people in general knew. I cannot forgive myself for being such a freaky little weirdo.

I know something of the pain you're talking about. I think it just takes time and constantly retelling yourself that you were not responsible for stuff you did as a kid. Imagine kids at a playground, right, in the grades you're talking about. Would anyone in their right mind hold them accountable in their 40s for what they did on that playground? There's got to be a statute of limitations on guilt. Kids barely know where their own a$$holes are. They can't be held accountable for that sh it.

Is there a risk of being hurt when you share your secrets? Absolutely! Is there also the possibility of being loved and accepted for who you truly are with no masks? Absolutely! You have no chance at all at the latter without sharing your whole self, and what kind of shi tty, lonely life is that? That is a pain all of its own. So if you don't share your true self, you are guaranteed the pain of isolation, alienation, and the fear that no one really loves you because no one knows you. If you do share yourself you have a risk of pain but also a possibility of meaning, connection, and real love. I think the cost benefit analysis is pretty clear.

And with regard to Schopenhauer, maybe Perna's example didn't help, but it might help to know that that quote came from the same mind who believed that the only logical response to life was suicide. Schopenhauer can be fun when you're feeling cranky or depressed, but he was seriously fu cked up. You just can't take him too seriously.

[unaluna]

yeah but I really like the part where he said the person deliberately annoyed him by talking loudly right outside his door. now there's a highly sensitive person! full disclosure: I get mad at people for doing that all the time. so that kinda puts his sui philosophy into perspective for me.

[CantExplain]

I trust my T with all my secrets.

Most of my secrets are "bedroom" secrets.

I have a reputation as a show-off and an eccentric.
If my secrets were published on the internet, half my friends would think I had published them myself.

[elliemay]

I find this quote to be much more helpful actually:

If we knew each other's secrets, what comforts we should find.
John Churton Collins