[lostmyway21]

I emailed this to T today, and now I'm unsure if I should have said anything.

"I probably have NO say, considering how much of a pain I am with emails, but I've needed to mention this for a while. When your on your phone in session, it makes me REALLY uncomfortable. It just makes my time feel unimportant to you, and that makes me feel worthless, and hopeless. I started feeling VERY hopeless today, and after thinking about it for a LONG time, trying to figure out where it started... that's where it came from. I think it's mostly because I think that YOU think you can't fix me, so I think you check your phone to see if you can help the clients you can actually help (unlike me). Probably the WRONG thinking but that's what I think every time I see you on the phone during session. It totally distracts me, and sends me for a spin. I never said this because I'm so scared of making you being mad at me. I'm sure I'm going to be super anxious that you hate me now, because of it."

Part of what makes him such an amazing T is his availability, he is always available. I don't know if I should have just shutup or what now. Cuz I definitly abuse him with emails myself. I feel like I had no place to say anything. I'm so confused. Any advice??

He hasn't said anything back...so my thoughts are getting away from me.

[InTherapy]

I think you DO have a say, or at least you should. I think your T will be glad that you brought this up. And at least now you can get it resolved!

I don't think T's should be routinely checking their phones in session. If they are expecting an emergency call or something, they should warn clients ahead of time... just my .02.

[CantExplain]

You were right to bring it up.
But it's always better to do it face-to-face if you can.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I think you DO have a say, or at least you should. I think your T will be glad that you brought this up. And at least now you can get it resolved!

I don't think T's should be routinely checking their phones in session. If they are expecting an emergency call or something, they should warn clients ahead of time... just my .02.

He went from never doing it, to doing it every session. I hate it.

[newtus]

mine does this sometimes i almost went off in one session about it. but...idk.

[lostmyway21]

Maybe I'm just being a horrible client?? I'm one of his only clients that see's him 2x a week. Maybe they need him more than I do and I'm just not good at sharing..idk.

[bipolarmedstudent]

My pdocs sometimes answer pages during session (they are on-call, after all), but that's it. They don't check their phones. I don't mind at all when they answer pages, because I know they don't get paged unless it's important.

[tkdgirl]

I think it's good you spoke up for yourself about something that was bothering you. Hopefully your T will address it next session. I don't think it's an unreasonable request. Not to make excuses but he probably doesn't even know the impact it's having on you. I wouldn't accept this from my T.

we dont really think thats very professional it would definitely bother us

[taylor43]

To me it is your time, unless it is a emergency your t should let you know ahead of time.

I would have definitely said something. He should have time between sessions to respond to his other clients....

Now don't try and think for him...just rest in knowing he cares for you and that he will reply when he can

[lostmyway21]

He hates me now.

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

He hates me now.

How do you know? Did he contact you and tell you that? I know its hard but don't use congnitive distortions... thinking for the other person... magic thinking.. whatever you want to call it. YOu won't know if he "hates" you unless he tells you that.

Thankfully my T has never done that. I would feel really upset if she did though. Even though I'd understand in case of an emergency, it would still hurt.

[pbutton]

It is your time; he shouldn't be looking at his phone. Your concern is perfectly appropriate. I would not like it either.

[BonnieJean]

I don't understand how a t could take phone calls during a session and be able to focus on the client. I would definitely say something. 'i think its good you let him know. You're feeling insecure about hi response but I'm sure he won't hate you for telling him how you feel.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

I don't understand how a t could take phone calls during a session and be able to focus on the client. I would definitely say something. 'i think its good you let him know. You're feeling insecure about hi response but I'm sure he won't hate you for telling him how you feel.

I'm feeling insecure about his lack of his response to this issue and my mention of sui thoughts (nothing with intent). I don't know what to think, tbh.

[BonnieJean]

The waiting part is always so hard and you begin to second guess whether you should have written what you wrote...maybe he's just busy. It is the end of the work week and maybe he's doing something. I suspect that he will reply as soon as he can and that he won't hate you. Can you think of something you can do that will help distract you while you wait for his reply?

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by BonnieJean

The waiting part is always so hard and you begin to second guess whether you should have written what you wrote...maybe he's just busy. It is the end of the work week and maybe he's doing something. I suspect that he will reply as soon as he can and that he won't hate you. Can you think of something you can do that will help distract you while you wait for his reply?

He's never not responded right away in 6 months of seeing him. I'm either really angry that he made me promise to tell him when I have sui thoughts, and then he ignored me. OR really scared that something happened to him. I can't get distracted.

[unaluna]

I didn't see a mention of sui thoughts in your email to him, just that you think now he's upset and that you think others can be helped but not you? actually I think it's a very good, dump all my scary feelings out on the table email, one to be proud of, rather than upset about. feeling hopeless is a valid feeling we all have. feeling that someone else is more valuable, that someone else comes first, someone else is more important. it's scary to talk about those disappointments, and even scarier to say, I need to feel like I come first when i'm in here, so do I or don't I, bub? (disclaimer: i can only say that NOW because T has told me a million times that I do.)

[rainboots87]

I think it was necessary to address the issue if you wanted to see a change. And there could be any number of reasons he hasn't responded, he might not have access to his email right now, he might be busy with something personal, etc. etc. I wouldn't jump to conclusions. And regarding the original issue, it is inappropriate for him to check his phone in session like that. I've never had a T check their cell phone in session except once to check the time when her watch broke, and they've all ignored a ringing office phone without taking their eyes off of me. Only once my current T told me upfront she might get an important call she would have to answer, but luckily that didn't happen. Your session is your time and no one else's.

[lostmyway21]

Originally Posted by hankster

I didn't see a mention of sui thoughts in your email to him, just that you think now he's upset and that you think others can be helped but not you? actually I think it's a very good, dump all my scary feelings out on the table email, one to be proud of, rather than upset about. feeling hopeless is a valid feeling we all have. feeling that someone else is more valuable, that someone else comes first, someone else is more important. it's scary to talk about those disappointments, and even scarier to say, I need to feel like I come first when i'm in here, so do I or don't I, bub? (disclaimer: i can only say that NOW because T has told me a million times that I do.)

The mention of sui thoughts was in a separate email. Thanks for validating my feelings.

[eclogite]

You emailing him and him checking his phone are two separate issues. If he hasn't said anything about emailing or defined a boundary, then it's not an issue. You and he are not in a two-way relationship. You get to complain and fix whatever you'd like. If something is too much for him, it's on him to mention it and work through it with you.

I had a problem with a book my therapist had on her shelf. It was triggering and made me sooo uncomfortable. Unconnected, I turned from a full-paying client to a sliding scale client. I worried that she didn't try as hard with me because I wasn't paying as much. I didn't feel like I deserved to complain about the book. The two have nothing to do with each other (and of course she doesn't treat me differently because I pay less).

I would think, though, that there are some other reasons he might be checking his phone that don't have anything to do with you. Maybe he knows someone close who might go into labor soon. Maybe his clock's battery is dead so he needs to keep track of time in a less subtle way. Maybe he's worried about kids... doing.. something? I don't know, but it seems much more logical that it has nothing to do with you.

That said, I think you're totally in the right for saying something since it bugs you. The book thing wasn't that big of a deal for me, but she made a big point out of wanting to do anything she could to help me feel more comfortable, and that book made even a tiny improvement and it was in her control, she was going to do it.

[nicoleb2]

I would be very upset if my t answered her phone or checked messages or anything like that during session. It is time that is supposed to be focused on helping me, not anyone else. You were right to let your t know that it is upsetting you

[lostmyway21]

I'm having major anger issues towards T today. I take our promise to contact during sui thoughts seriously, but apparently he doesnt. It made those thoughts 100x worse last night, and now I feel like I never want to tell him when I'm feeling like that again. I don't trust him. Heck I don't want to talk to him anymore. I don't want to go to session Monday. Maybe he solved my email impulsiveness. All he had to do is make me hate him.