Anxious about T: about a week to go

Thanks, SAWE, rainbow_rose, Sannah, SarahMichelle, tigergirl, chopin, hankster!

5 days until my T comes home; 6 until I see her. I had a negative thought, though. What if I get an email saying she and her family love it there so much that they decided to stay longer? I don't think she'd do that, but.....Or, what if someone gets sick and they can't fly? See how my mind works?

Sannah, I had most of the traits you posted: insecurity, shyness, low self worth, not expressing feelings, lack of social skills, genetics. But they, except for genetics, don't explain why I'm so anxious. I basically don't trust that things will go right, and not wrong. My mother worried, so I picked up on it. That's my cause, think. The way I'm working on that is through meditation, yoga, mindfulness, and feeling safe in therapy. Learning to comfort myself. We haven't focused on anxiety in EMDR; I think I need to.

hankster: Yes, I was in an infertility support group at the time. Thanks for asking. I went through years of treatments. I think that was when I first realized that you don't always get what you want in life, at least not at the time you want it. I'm very grateful for my children.

Im sure that wont happen, but i totally understand that fear! I get so afraif my T will not come home from her trip even tho she promises she will.

Do you ever try to tie the past into your present with the anxiety? When you are worrying about something today you can stop and remember what it was like growing up with your mother worrying and then try to see how it is causing your worry today. Spend time on it piecing it together so that you can see how A caused B. Really understanding how we got to where we are is helpful IMO. It is making the subconscious conscious and this is the way to stop letting the subconscious rule our thoughts, behaviors and feelings.

Thank you, Sannah. I'll have to try that!

Some thoughts for today:

I wish my T were back.

It's 5 days until my session. I don't want to talk to her. I just want to sit with her and cry but I know that won't happen. I won't cry but I will TELL her that I want to.

I don't want to feel jealous about her trip, but I do. I still do.

I already know the session will seem too short and then I'll be alone again.

I know it's the child parts who need her to feel safe because my adult life has gone on.

I can still "feel" her holding my hand. I don't need more. Touch hasn't made me more dependent on her.

I can't fight how important she is to me. It's a fact.

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And why would you need to fight it? Understanding it and working through it would be better I think.

Thanks, RR. I like the way you lined up those hugs.

Sannah: I would need to fight how important my T is to me because this has gone on so many years with different Ts. I do have some hope that the EMDR will work but if not, I'm finished with therapy.

I accept that I didn't get my needs met when I was little but I still can't work through it. For 6 years, almost 7, I grieved that my most recent T couldn't give me what I wanted. Before that, I went over the same stuff with 3 other Ts. I get it now. My former T said it's like my allergies. I just have to live with the discomfort.

With this T, I am experiencing what I missed. I feel safe and cared about. It hurts, though, because it's temporary and could end at any time. I don't think there is any answer for me except to accept the pain and "forget" I care so much for my T. I'm going to get hurt because she is so important to me. I have to do the EMDR and get on with it.

I guess I'm in some kind of mood tonight because I'm afraid she won't come back. I'm going to start a humorous?? thread about that. Not so humorous, but I need some comic relief. This was kind of a rant. Sorry.

that is my biggest fear. ugh trigger.

What do you mean? That there is no cure?

I am setting myself up for disappointment. I think it's my default mode. If I expect too much from seeing my T, I will be miserable. If I don't see her, I'll be miserable. I've got to switch that to something positive, reframe.

Most likely I will have my session Wednesday. I can't predict the future so I will take one day at a time. If I reconnect deeply with her, fine. If not, I know it's hard missing so many sessions the way I did. One thought remains constant. My T cares about me.

2 more days until my T gets home!

((((((((((((((((( rainbow ))))))))))))))))

Patience and faith that you will work through this eventually.

Im glad for you. Youve almOst made it

(trying to be visible )

Yes...I am petrified that I will never get better, that this is as good as it gets and that I am wasting time chasing something that will never happen.