What is.... the work?

The expression "to work through issues" (or similar) is used quite a lot here, and I have been wondering a bit - what does that mean, exactly? I don't do therapy in English, so obviously the words we use are different, but my therapist has never used any of the various words that mean "work" in connection with what we do, and I'm curious as to what meaning the rest of you would give to the expression.

If I were to give an explanation to what I think it means, I'd say that it means to talk about painful and embarrassing things, and be honest about them. But how are we supposed to know what things are relevant to talk about? (I asked my therapist about that, often. I never got an answer I could understand or relate to. In most - not all - my sessions I've felt that I probably talked about irrelevant stuff, but I had no way to know, or to know how I would get to any relevant issues.)

Ahem. Sorry. I did not mean to turn this into yet another rant about my failure at therapy

Then somebody - sorry, I can't remember who it was, or in which thread - posted something recently about how psychotherapy is simply talking, to begin with. That really intrigued me. What comes after the beginning? At what point does the random chat turn into work? And at what point does the work help - and in what way?

(The thread title is supposed to be a movie reference. Because I am an incurable nerd.)

Yes that word always feels like I'm being abruptly woken from a warm dream. A startling reminder of what T and I are about.

I would say feeling the emotions - finding them, expressing them, understanding them. Instead of just talk, letting anger out, sadness, rage, hurt, whatever. Then figuring out where it's coming from. Is it appropriate to the current situation? If it isn't, then where is it coming from? Why? Maybe the simple answer is that the work is ... the hard stuff.

Hmm. How, if you're not talking?

For me, the work is a variety of things. First off, there's the hard work of actually talking about things. I have a hard time with that. Then there's the work of allowing myself to feel the emotions, then express them appropriately. Like crying in front of him and not suppressing anger, stuff like that. I tend to talk from my head most of the time and I'm only just starting to be able to talk to T from my heart. Making that transition is hard.

There's also listening to my T and internalizing what he says. And then there's taking his suggestions for how to reframe things or how to change a behavior or thought process and applying it in real life.

All of those things feel like work to me.

it's all work to me...talking, feeling...even showing up.

for me, the core of the 'work' IS the relationship - being in it, thinking about it, learning from it, experiencing the ups and down, the laughter, the tears ... and yes, talking about it.

Oh, I meant in addition to talking. My experience was we talked for almost 5 months but there was little to no emotion on my part. It was pretty comfortable, actually. And then we started going back to my childhood, and talking about that, and emotions started surfacing, and I wanted to run away (but didn't), and it just got really really difficult. So to me, after 5 months was when the "work" really started.

It's a good question that you've asked ... it's made me think.

Yes! Funny how I have such a problem with the r/s that it doesn't even come to mind when I think about the "work." Of course, the T r/s is the hardest part of all!!

What comes after the beginning? Talking about things that cause emotional reactions. At what point does the random chat turn into work? When T figures out your soft spots. Which is where the talking and relationship becomes work. And at what point does the work help - and in what way? Once you have the trusting relationship they can help you complete whatever goal you have for therapy.

I think you asked a really good question. My last t used the word "work", and I of course see it all the time here. I frequently think using that word is a kind of cop out- a way around explaining what the person means. It's therapy jargon for when the therapist doesn't know how to speak common language. Now that I've been sucked into the borg though, I 'spect I've used the word occasionally. But most the time it mystifies me when people use it.

My best understanding is like yours- "I'd say that it means to talk about painful and embarrassing things, and be honest about them." I'd add it means talking about when I did something wrong that feels shameful. The time when I felt like I got somewhere in therapy was the time I admitted being angry and then feeling bad about it in my relationship with my ex-bf during couples therapy.

However, I wonder if therapy needs to be admitting to doing things wrong, or if that's just the way my t likes to do it. idk.

I'll bet it's different for everyone. For me, the *real* work involved two major components. First, allowing myself to trust my therapist. It took forever. Interestingly, from the very beginning, in response to behavior, reactions, etc. that indicated I did not trust her, she would call it to my attention.. and then say "You should not trust me. You have been betrayed so many times, that you MUST not trust. It's about survival.. about you protecting yourself. So I'm pleased that you don't trust me.. and I'd ask you to not trust me until I've earned it." There was something about her repeatedly empowering me with the right to not trust that ultimately opened my ability to trust her. But it did take an awfully long time.

The hardest work for me was the second one.. allowing myself to feel attached to her. It's kind of tied to trust, but it's an entirely different thing. That process was fraught with painfully re-experiencing old wounds.. of regression.. fear.. intense anxiety.. and she really put up with a lot. But she was determined to give me every opportunity to feel attached to her - and when that finally took hold and reached a secure, therapeutic level, that's when many old, painful experiences were overwritten with this *new* intimate, parent/child-like relationship. It changed my life.

It seems to vary between therapists also; for one t it might be doing the homework, making changes, tackling things you wouldn't before, overcoming a phobia etc. For another it might be showing up and taking part in your session

people go to therapy for all different reasons, so I suppose it can vary widely.

In the case of trauma treatment, I find it somewhat similar to the situation of a person whose broken leg was never treated and healed very croooked... and now, if the person wants to walk normally, the leg must be rebroken and reset, so it can heal properly.

"the work" can involve revisiting those long ago horrors one would desperately want to forget, even living through them again, learning to see one's life as it really was/is, becoming aware of one's power as an adult, many different things... all aimed at putting the memories to rest at last ,instead of having them looming over one in ever-new forms.

I largely agree with what crescent moon said so well. Trust and attachment. I would add an additional step - translating and generalizing that trust/attachment.

The work just can't happen in therapy, it has to get bigger into our own lives. Ultimately we get to become our own therapists.

I think that involves the discipline to listen to ourselves from a rational and detached place - developing the ability to, in that space, chose what we will do. OR at least be aware that we have choices.

I think this is a mindset that originates from the stable attachment and the autonomy that arises from that way of thinking.

To me, therapy is a subset of one's life process. The "work" is teasing out the subset and concentrating on it. Trains and journeys are often given as examples of process; you want to go from here to there and the journey is the process of doing it and is/is not the point. Do you concentrate on the scenery and what you see in passing or is it just point A and point B that matter?

With therapy, you are on your life's journey anyway, are going between point A and point B and there was a train robbery back there 35 kilometers out of point A and a bandit stuck a gun in your gut and made you give up all your jewelry. Or, if you prefer, you wanted to go to Helsingor from Göteborg but got stuck in Helsingborg because one of the ferries sank back when your mother was a girl and she raised you afraid of water and boats.

The work is figuring out how to mend your disconnect from Helsingborg to Helsingor and take that trip as its own subset and at the same time as part of the whole, Göteborg to Helsingor life trip.

I went to therapy because I was having difficulties with my life, about a dozen issues that I have worked on so far. The issue of today has a history so the work began with that. Talk in session about the issue, the history of how it started (therapists help with tying all of that together), let out the feelings and collect any other valuable insights from the T about all of this. Then try to change the behavior after you come up with a plan.

This is such a fascinating thread elliemay.. so many different ways to describe the mystery of therapeutic 'work'! It's so helpful to read the insights others have into how they experience the process.

And you make a really good point about the ultimate goal of generalizing the effects of our progress into every area of our lives. I forgot about that!

My therapist is overly-modest in accepting any credit for how effective she's been. I remember about a year or so ago, I had an IRL experience that brought it to the forefront. I was confronted by an authority figure IRL about something I'd written in an effort to resolve something. The other party was not really responsive and was making it very difficult. After many reasonable attempts to get it resolved, I finally got frustrated and was a little snarky in what I wrote. Anyway, when I was confronted, it was as-if what I'd done was much worse than it really was, and it was as-if it was wholly unjustified. I responded from a very calm place. I explained the background, and gave my reasoning, etc. This authority figure was initially intense and somewhat accusatory. Anyway, before it was over everything was fine. I told my therapist about it. T said "So Crescent Moon, how was it that you were able to get through that situation without becoming anxious or defensive?" Without any hesitation I responded "I think it's because I've been huddled in this room with you for three years, and no matter what I've thrown at you, never once did you respond defensively to me. It's like.. responding to conflict with genuine openness and non-defensively is the only way I know how to do it, because that's how you've done it with me for so long." That revelation startled me as much as it did her, but I've never spoken anything truer! It gave me a real insight into the magic of how it works.. overlaying a lifetime of dysfunctional modeling with healthy, caring modeling. It felt so powerful to have, without any conscious effort on my part, to respond to a difficult situation in a very naturally healthy way. THAT is therapy!

I couldn't agree more.

Now THAT is adapting the message to the audience Seriously, good image.

You put this so well - great insight! I'm just getting a glimpse of how this is working in my own therapy. It is my interaction with T that is helping so much, because he models how a healthy relationship works. The first time I became aware of this was when I spoke up about feeling a little hurt about something he said. He calmly replied, "That may have been what you heard, but it's not what I said." That really got me thinking. I'm starting to understand now just what it means when he says that the T-patient relationship is the most important part of therapy. Made no sense to me at first, but now the light is dawning.

And you mention how powerful it felt to respond in a healthy way. YEAH!!!!

during my first appointment with T (my first T) she told me it would be hard work. I didn't know what she meant. I couldn't understand what would be work, or how anything would work.

It has been work. I've had to work really hard to challenge myself and push myself (mostly outside of the therapy room and on my own). It hasn't been a process where making change has happened smoothly or easily...it's been hard work.

Here's my analogy. You have to formulate for yourself your new understandings, not just let someone else tell you about them. It's like schoolwork, homework, where you have to work out some problems "at the end of the chapter", not just read the textbook -- when you work through those problems, and only then, do you begin to understand the material (or realize you don't understand it!).

We tend to interpret our therapists in light of our most difficult past relationships - most often dysfunctional parents. For a long and painful time, I contorted nearly everything my therapist said to me as if it was coming from my parents. It can be a real rocky road getting from there - to where we can accurately interpret our therapists. A good therapist will know how to deal with it, and will stick with us while we work through that.

Sounds like you've got a good one there Just remember.. if it gets to where you are absolutely convinced that his purpose in life is to cause you pain, make sure you just keep talking. Tell him everything you're thinking and feeling. That's what helps them untangle it with you.. and when you come out on the other side.. you'll be so glad you stayed in there. It really is all about the relationship.

I wish a rich therapeutic relationship for you!

just realizing...if it's about the relationship then I am screwed.

Wikid, I never worked on a relationship with any of my therapists and I still accomplished a lot.

I agree Pachy! Applying the knowledge!